The Conversational Best Practices of Roxie and Lenny - written by Roxie Posted by:Jenn--Monday, December 10, 2012

The Conversational Best Practices of Roxie and Lenny - written by Roxie

Lenny, my 17-year-old twin son, has been dibbling and dabbling in drugs and alcohol since age 13. To my surprise, he was leading a double / triple life outside of my happy home. Just a sidebar - one’s definition of happy may not be the same as one’s children. Apparently, happy to me meant boring to Lenny. As Lenny’s mantra goes, “You know what happens when I get bored, don’t you?” Was that a threat or just an in-Roxie’s-face demand to keep him purposefully occupied so he will not hang with his homeboys and get high? Both.

To help Lenny redefine what true happiness should be, we have embarked on weekly counseling sessions together at his halfway house. My reluctance took months, for I thought it would be an hour of wasted time with my uncooperative kid and a counselor explaining the meaning of co-dependency. To my wonderful surprise, it has turned out to be one of the most significant, positive experiences involving Lenny and myself.

In the first meeting, I noticed a small white board next to the counselor’s chair with eight rules of conversational engagement that Lenny and I had to follow during our session.    I was awestruck. It was as though I was discovering a new form of hieroglyphics. I experienced what Oprah would call an “aha” moment. I have named these rules Conversational Best Practices. The rules are so simple, yet tantalizingly untied to my unruly tongue.

1.     Avoid interruptions. Instead, wait for the person to pause, or ask if it is OK to speak.

2.     Avoid talking for more than a minute.

3.     Avoid saying, “no” when someone asks for something. Instead, tell the person what you can do.

4.     Avoid rolling eyes or using negative facial expressions.

5.     Avoid swearing, shouting, sarcasm, or statements that are hurtful.

6.     Avoid talking about past problems or weaknesses. Instead, suggest solutions and alk about strengths.

7.     Talk about things you want. Do not give criticisms about the negative attitudes you dislike.

8.     Speak in a soft and conversational tone of voice.

Lenny and I are both amazed at how well these rules are working in our counseling sessions. I would recommend them for everyone. Unfortunately, I realized that I use none of these at home. My inside voice is only used in the bathroom. I roll my eyes and snap my neck while I let my sarcasm soar. An example of Roxie’s frustrating conversational attack on Lenny’s dad would be, “Your parental involvement with your family is so minimal that you carry around the family picture that came with the wallet!” Those type of non-cursing statements are also used while my hands are on my hips; vocalizing with an outside voice. Swearing is non-essential; point well taken and unmistakably understood.

Lenny showed empathy and concern during his last home visit with me. “Mom, you are a completely different person talking to me at the counseling session than you are talking to Daddy and my sister at home.”

Indeed. Although it is not part of the rules, I was literally speechless. In my uncomfortable silence, he repeated the statement.

I told Lenny that I would start using the rules at home, without telling his dad and twin sister. It would be an experiment to see if they notice how I have morphed into a kinder, gentler Roxie. Lenny promised to hold me accountable on his home passes.

In the interim, I will update my husband’s wallet with a new family photo.