The "Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop" Feeling
As Andy continues in his current court ordered placement, Cheryl and I are very pleased with his progress. His letters home are very upbeat, containing good news for the week…and also very neat penmanship. He was chosen to participate in a SMRC, where they visit and help with taking elderly residents at the local senior care facility to church on Sundays.
Andy’s weekly five minute phone calls are very pleasant. He’s very polite and positive. During this week’s call he had several pieces of good news: he was selected as the program's “client of the week”; he was selected to participate in the L.E.A.P. (Leadership Experiential Adventure Program), he is about to receive his Level 2 and he is taking the SAT's on Saturday.
After four plus years of some ups and mostly downs with Andy, all of this good news should be a parents’ dream come true (and we are happy for him), but why can’t I shake the nagging feeling that I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Andy’s past track record is to be on his best behavior for about three months before going into a self destruct mode. We have gotten our hopes up so many times in the past, only to have them dashed when his behavior “crashes and burns” in self sabotage.
Will we, as parents who love him unconditionally, ever get back to the point of trusting our son? Trust that Andy is telling the truth? Trust that he is clean and sober? Trust that he is obeying all laws? I feel guilty for the self defense mechanism that I’ve developed to guard against the hurt of behavior let down and lawless activity. Will these emotional callouses ever be removed and let us live a family life with some level of normalcy?
We certainly hope so, but there’s that damn other shoe!
Andy’s weekly five minute phone calls are very pleasant. He’s very polite and positive. During this week’s call he had several pieces of good news: he was selected as the program's “client of the week”; he was selected to participate in the L.E.A.P. (Leadership Experiential Adventure Program), he is about to receive his Level 2 and he is taking the SAT's on Saturday.
After four plus years of some ups and mostly downs with Andy, all of this good news should be a parents’ dream come true (and we are happy for him), but why can’t I shake the nagging feeling that I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Andy’s past track record is to be on his best behavior for about three months before going into a self destruct mode. We have gotten our hopes up so many times in the past, only to have them dashed when his behavior “crashes and burns” in self sabotage.
Will we, as parents who love him unconditionally, ever get back to the point of trusting our son? Trust that Andy is telling the truth? Trust that he is clean and sober? Trust that he is obeying all laws? I feel guilty for the self defense mechanism that I’ve developed to guard against the hurt of behavior let down and lawless activity. Will these emotional callouses ever be removed and let us live a family life with some level of normalcy?
We certainly hope so, but there’s that damn other shoe!
2 comments:
Jim & Cheryl,
I know exactly how you feel-I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop because it usally does. And I hate feeling that way. I don't know if the callouses will ever go away but like you hope that we can somehow have some kind of normal life back.
Take care.
Wilma
We're waiting for the miracle too. Funny, how important waiting is no matter how you look at it.
Ironically, even after the "miracle" happens it only natural to still wait for the other shoe to drop. I think Ken S had the right of it when he commented in group that, "this is the new normal."
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