1. PSST for today I will not yell at my teenagers. If they yell at me, I will take an inch of their space, lower my voice, talk slower. I will deescalate not escalate.
2. PSST for today I will make it my business to find part of what my teenager says that I can agree with and tell him that I agree. PSST for today I will PSSTwist that agreement to my own talking points.
3. PSST for today I will not reward any behavior that I would like to extinguish. If my teenager is pushy, loud, or manipulative when he asks for something the answer will be NO. When I see behavior I like I will pay attention and find a way, not always a material way, to reward that behavior.
4. PSST for today when my teenager harasses me repeatedly to give in on something that I already said 'no' to, I will tell him that I get it that he just 'needs' to keep asking. I will invite him to ask me as much as he wants right now, and get all the harassment over with. "No, but ask me again," I might say after each harassment.
5. PSST for today I will remember that when I'm saying 'No,' power words such as 'Nevertheless' and 'Regardless' are my best friends. They keep me on track and help me not to be distracted from the real issue.
6. PSST for today I will not argue with or 'debate' my teenager.
7. PSST for today I will try to really listen to what my teenager is saying. I may not agree, but it is my job to show him that I pay attention to what he says.
8. PSST for today I will try to present situations or problems to my teenager designed to help me build new trust. I know that people change, and when my teenager starts changing I want to be their to support him and ready to allow more trust when it is earned.
9. PSST for today, if I do not believe that my teenager can be trusted to go where he says he is going, to do what he says he is going to do, then I will tell him to stay home where I can supervise him. I will let him know that by accepting this gracefully he is starting the process of trusting again.
10. PSST for today I will not keep secrets for my teenager if it is significant to his recovery or his probation. PSST for today I will remember that secrets keep us sick.
11. PSST for today I will hold my teenager accountable. I may hate to be the bad guy, but PSST for today I will remember that my teenager needs me to be his parent, not his friend. PSST for today I will remember that when he is older hopefully we can be friends.
12. PSST for today I will remember to set a good example. PSST for today I will remember that my teenager may defiantly refuse to do what I tell him but he will never fail to imitate me. PSST for today I will model an adult who is like someone that I want my teenager to grow up to be: honest, law-abiding, caring and able to be free from substance abuse.
13. PSST for today I will model an adult who is able to pursue happiness, which may include having interests and hobbies that I feel passionate about, a career that I am proud of, or friends that I care about. PSST for today I will let my teenager know that I am more than just a parent and that even if my teenager is in placement or inpatient, life for me goes on.
14. PSST for today I will try not to ask my teenager "Why." PSST for today I know that I will get more information from him by asking him questions like, "What was that like for you," What would it be like for you if", "Tell me about how that whole thing happened." PSST for today I will remember that open-ended questions are more effective and help me get to know my teenager better. PSST for today I will remember that "Why" tends to make people defensive and makes teenagers shut down.
15. PSST for today I will use good strong body language, direct eye-contact and say things like I mean them. PSST for today i will mean what I say and back up what I say with actions.
16. PSST for today I will place safety as my first priority. PSST for today, I will remember that drugs and alcohol kill and PSST for today I will take whatever actions I deem are necessary to keep my teenager safe.
17. PSST for today I will remember that taking some action is better than taking no action. PSST for today I will allow myself reasonable time to make a decision, time to ask for suggestions from people whose opinions matter, but within a reasonable time I will make a decision and take action commensurate to that decision. PSST for today, I will remind myself that teenagers don't listen to what I say, they listen to what I do.
18. PSST for today I will allow myself the freedom to change my mind, especially if new information is available. "Oops, Sorry but I'm just going to change my mind about that."
19. PSST for today when my son is frustrated and tells me to "go away or I will lose it", I will respect his need for some personal time & space. However I will also assert myself by saying "You're right, it would be better to talk about this later."
20. PSST for today I will strive to be consistent.
21. PSST for today I will try to remember to compliment my teenager when they do something right. We sometimes get so wrapped up in our personal resentment / fear that we forget that they are trying to improve themselves.
22. PSST for today I will accept, maybe even embrace, that my child who is an addict hates me (for now) - I know that I am doing the right thing and I can wait for them to thank me at a later date (if ever) - For now I know they are alive.
23 PSST for today I will take my time to give my teen an answer. If possible I will consult with my spouse (even if they are a step-parent) or someone I trust before I give my answer. They will need to learn to be patient and not expect an instant yes or no.
Please leave a comment especially if you can add to this PSST for Today ideas.
3 comments:
Thanks Lloyd,
I don't have anything to add but it helped me to read this today. Now if I can just remember what to say and do when I need it!
Wilma
PSST for today when my son is frustrated and tells me to "go away or I will lose it", I will respect his need for some personal time & space. However I will also assert myself by saying "You're right, it would be better to talk about this later."
PSST for today I will try to remember to compliment my teenager when they do something right. We sometimes get so wrapped up in our personal resentment / fear that we forget that they are trying to improve themselves.
PSST for today I will accept, maybe even embrace, that my child who is an addict hates me (for now) - I know that I am doing the right thing and I can wait for them to thank me at a later date (if ever) - For now I know they are alive.
Combining #7 and #17 - PSST for today I will take my time to give my teen an answer. If possible I will consult with my spouse (even if they are a step-parent) or someone I trust before I give my answer. They will need to learn to be patient and not expect an instant yes or no.
Rocco
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