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| Do as I say or the hairdryer gets it! |
Excerpt from post: At this point Mom has to decide. Is she going to take this opportunity to instruct her son that she did not lie, that while she likes saving money that the real reason that she took the phone is exactly what she told him that it was, i.e., that he had restricted calls on his phone? If she does go down that path now there is hardly any turning back. This will become the new issue and the first issue may never be addressed. If she falls for that, then her son has successfully manipulated her away from the real issue.
It feels to the parent like the most critical intervention is during the anger stage. Indeed, it is a critical time, e.g., if a teenager is realizing a benefit to the tantrum then the parent has reinforced this behavior. So, if a parent gives in once the teenager begins his anger episode it can be very difficult to reverse this behavior because it has been historically reinforced; however, it is not as well understood that the the time of remorse is an excellent window in which to address this behavior. This posts attempts to highlight the importance of the remorse phase of the cycle.
Son: Mom, I want to know why you decided to take my phone off of me.
Mom: We discussed that.
Son: But you lied! You said I misused it but really you didn't want to pay the bill anymore.
Mom: You misused your phone by calling unapproved peers.
Son: I told you that was an accident but you just wanted to get rid of my phone. If you would have told me the truth I would have still been mad, but what I'm really mad at is your lying to me- why do you have to be a lying bitch?
Mom: OK, that's it- this discussion is over.
Son: No it's not [grabbing a hair dryer of mother's and throwing it at the wall] why are you always lying [yelling].
Mom goes for phone and dials 911 and immediately asks for an officer to keep the peace. Teen begins to calm down while officer is on the way. He is remorseful. He says it is mostly (but not all) his fault. He asks for another chance. He begs her not to call the police. He promised her that she won't be sorry if she doesn't tell his PO, his father, his therapist, or whomever is involved with his case.
Before we continue on with this role-play (hold that thought) lets examine some current ideas on this:
"Harmful Adaptations to Anger and Abuse: Walking on Eggshells. The most insidious aspect of abuse is not the obvious nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism or other demeaning behavior. It's the adaptations you make to try to prevent those painful episodes. You walk on eggshells to keep the peace or a semblance of connection.
"Women are especially vulnerable to the negative effects of walking on eggshells due to their greater vulnerability to anxiety. Many brave women engage in constant self-editing and self-criticism to keep from "pushing his buttons." Emotionally abused women can second guess themselves so much that they feel as though they have lost themselves in a deep hole."
These excerpts were taken from Compassion Power.
I realize that this website is not about parenting per se; nevertheless, I feel that this cycle of abuse remorse between adults is revelant to what happens between parent and teenager.
Keeping this eggshells analogy in mind, let's go back to our example above. At the point where the teenager turns remorseful, the parent is going to feel relieved. Crisis managed. Now the child is being nice. Now the parent wants to reinforce this behavior and therefore relaxes with the idea that the crisis is over; however, this may be as important a time to manage the crisis, with the idea that you are now setting the stage for the next crisis to be managed. Now is the time to use your PSST powers to good advantage.
Son: Mom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I just got mad cause you know you don't always tell me the truth.
Mom: Excuse me? You make it sound like it was my fault that you blew up and broke my hair dryer and called me names.
Son: No, it's not your fault. It's my fault. I'm so sorry, [looks like he could cry if you look at him to hard]
Mom: Look, honey, I agree with what you first said, this was your responsibility. Whether you liked the way I said it or what I said, you are responsible for your feelings and your behavior. So, I'm with you- yeah you're sorry about that and I really feel that. Boy, that was a huge screw up.
Son: But I said I was sorry! You're not going to tell my PO are you? [Starting to get fired up again. A lot of times this is where the Mom backs down realizing that she doesn't want him to revert to the "bad teen" again so she starts her "walking on egg shells." But this mother knows that she has a window of opportunity here and she is not going to squander it.]
Mom: And I agree that you are sorry. I would be sorry too if I had acted like that and I agree that your PO will be very disappointed b/c you just talked to him about doing this kind of stuff.
Son: Mom he's going to drag me off to Shuman! Is that what you want? I wouldn't have got so mad at you if you hadn't lied to me. Now your going to have me sent away but you know I can't being lied to [crys and sobs].
Mom: OK, you know what, I'm just going to give you a chance to get yourself together- we'll talk about this when you get a grip on it. [Mom gets up and is ready to exit the room.]
Son: I'm stopping! [starts to raise voice again] God it's like you punish me for crying! I'm just expressing my feelings like my therapist told me to do.
Mom: You can do that. And if you need a moment to compose yourself that's just fine honey.
Son: Well, he said cause you gave me too much information when I was growing up, you know told me stuff about bills and stuff that I didn't need to know, that now I have trouble when people don't level with me. You should just tell me the truth or just don't tell me nothing but don't make something up.
PIVOTAL JUNCTURE: [At this point Mom has to decide. Is she going to take this opportunity to instruct her son that she did not lie, that while she likes saving money that the real reason that she took the phone is exactly what she told him that it was, i.e., that he had restricted calls on his phone? If she does go down that path now there is hardly any turning back. This will become the new issue and the first issue may never be addressed.
If she falls for that, then her son has successfully manipulated her away from the real issue.
For this example, our mother decides not to debate this one but to stick with the primary issue- i.e., (1)him being 100 percent responsible for what he did, and (2)what he is prepared to do to see that this doesn't happen again. This is the window to deal with this and if while you are addressing this he has another blow up- oh well, at least you showed him that you're not going to be intimated and start walking on "egg shells."
Mom: OK, [The teen has stopped crying- without that there was no point in continuing- it's just too powerful an effect when a man cries and we don't want to reinforce that behavior by giving him attention.] You don't need a moment to compose yourself?
Son: No. I'm fine.
Mom: Good. I see you are fine. Good job. Now, thanks for listening to me I know that you are upset and this isn't easy for you either.
Son: It's not. I just think we need to communicate better. We need to do what my counselor said and work on this together cause there's things you do that push my buttons and I push your buttons too.
Mom: I agree we certainly need to do that. We are always ready to set each other off aren't we? I'm glad you brought that up because what really sets me off is when I think I hear you saying that this breaking of my hair dryer and name calling is partly my fault. Yes, that really pushes my buttons and frankly I'm worried about how you are looking at this.
Son: What?
Mom: That I could be responsible in whatever way because you broke my hair dryer and called me a bitch. That is not something that I'm willing to share with you. You think I lied and that somehow kinda justifies you breaking my hair dryer and calling me a bitch. I don't buy that.
Son: But even my therapist says...
Mom: [moves in and lowers voice talking slowly] I'm not willing to take that responsibility from you.
Son: But it takes two of us
Mom: Yes, I agree that it DOES take two of us to have an issue and like I said I agree that we are both good at pushing each other's buttons- regardless, when you start breaking things and calling me names, I can't own that one.
Son: Well, it was 70 percent my fault but I still say it was 30 percent your fault. You shouldn't have lied to me to begin with.
Mom: I agree with one big thing you just said.
Son: What?
Mom: 70 percent and 30 percent equals 100 percent and you're right it is important to see who owns that 100 percent. Nevertheless, when you start with the throwing things and calling names no matter what i've said it's 100 percent your part now buddy. That's completely unnaceptable and dangerous!
Mom: And another thing I agree with is that as long as you believe that this is partially my fault that you become violent and out-of-control, your unnacceptable behavior will continue. This is not the first incident like this and from the looks of things it won't be the last incident. You are going to continue to repeat this mistake until you take responsibility and do what you need to do to stop it.
Son: But my therapist says that this happens because you always gave me too much information.
Mom: Your therapist is right honey, I gave you way to much power when you started acting out-of-control and I'm stopping it right now.
Son: What?
Mom: I tried to tiptoe around you trying hard not to say the wrong thing so that you wouldn't explode. That was wrong and you can tell your therapist that I can admitt that today.
Mom: I know I've been afraid of waking that angry beast inside you and I'm done with that now. I don't cause you to act that way, I can't control you when you get angry and I'm going to try to stop acting like it's even partially my fault. From now on when you are out-of-control, and hear me, I don't care if I lied to you ten times in one day! It's your responsibility to own this behavior and I won't allow you to pull me into it like that. I didn't call you names. I didn't break your stuff. You did that to me and if we don't get somethings straight here your going to continue doing stuff like that.
Son: Now I'm getting mad again- you're making me feel mad again.
Mom: Fine! Deal with it. Now what, you going to break some more of my stuff? [moving in closer lowing voice] Want to call me a bitch again? Do you think I'm lying to you now when I tell you that if you start breaking stuff again I'm calling the police back and I'm probably getting the same officer who was just here. But if that's what helps you calm down...
Son: That's not necessary. I'm just mad again is all.
Mom: OK, enough talk. Let's wrap this up. I agree your sorry.
Son: I am.
Mom: That's good. Well, I'm going to give you a chance to prove that one- I need the basement cleaned up - a really good job- I am grounding you until that's done. Also, the phone is finished now and you can be sure I'm not lying about that!-
Son: You said you were taking it for a week!
Mom: Yeah but I'm the one whose sorry now, cause I'm sorry but I'm confiscating it until further notice and we'll see if you can learn to control your temper before I even consider returning it.
Son: But you said...
Mom: I agree with you I'm a big liar then. And I change my mind sometimes. Does that help? I lied about taking it for a couple days cause now I'm taking it until further notice. I will also need your game system and TV taken out of your room.
Son: What! What am I going to do here?
Mom: I don't know- but you said you were sorry so I guess we both can still agree on that one. When you call me a bitch and throw my stuff then it doesn't matter what a big liar I am- it's your responsibility. You have to deal with it and if you're as sorry as you say then you won't complain about the consequences. What you did was wrong, dangerous, unacceptable, and I refuse to keep that kind of behavior secret from your PO You can call him and tell him or I will.
Mom: One last thing. I'm glad you can talk to your therapist and I think he is great. When you see him this week, please talk to him about developing a plan to help you stop this cycle of anger-remorse. Nothing will be returned to you until I see that you are prepared to take responsibility for these unacceptable outbursts and do do something to see that you stop them.
Mom: That's it. We're done. This meeting is over.
Son: You don't believe I'm sorry.
Mom: I told you that I do believe you're sorry, but I suppose you think I'm lying about that too.
Son: Kinda I do, cause if you believed I was sorry you wouldn't do all this.
Mom: Oh I think you are sorry. I just think your even sorrier now that I've given you these consequences and I think that if this anger- remorse behavior continues you might find that you are even more sorry. Please understand this part: NEVER call me names. NEVER throw my stuff around.
Son: I won't.
Mom: And that hair dryer costs like fifty bucks so you need to add that to what you owe me.
Son: How am I supposed to pay that? I don't have a job!
Mom: Listen, good job listening. This was a huge confrontation and you heard a lot of stuff that upset you- but you didn't call me a bitch again and you didn't break anything else. That's a start. Don't worry about getting the TV and game system out of your room tonight- I can grab it tomorrow while you're at rehab-We'll talk later [gives hug but teen tries to not return it and walks away.]
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3 comments:
Thanks for the great post. We have been in similar situations many times and were always releived when things finally calmed down and just wanted the situation to be done with and hope it didn't happen again which of course it did. We always tried to avoid another blow up so of course we were always walking on egg shells. Now I just have to remember what to do the next time.
Thanks Wilma. Just keep in mind what the real issue is and deal with that first. After you feel you have really addressed that you can move to a secondary issue; however with some teens it's really better to deal with one issue at a time. Save the secondary one, in this case why you took the phone in the first place, for the next conversation. Really, he understands why you took it.
He is creating a major distraction so it's not really as though he doesn't know, he is just using his talents to sow confusion so that in the midst of all the fireworks he can maintain his power.
Remember you don't have to do it all yourself Wilma. You have a team of people. We are your chess pieces. Move us around the board as it makes sense to you.
Great post, Lloyd! We have two explosive kids in our house and we are the poster children of walking on eggshells AND being outfoxed by their manipulation tactics. I'm sure we'll have PLENTY of opportunities to practice a better way though... Thanks so much.
Brigitte
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