PSST Meeting Recap - March 12 - Wexford
Today's meeting was led by PSST power couple Cheryl and Jim, assisted by Val Ketter from Juvenile Probation, and Kathie T from Wesley Spectrum Services.
Absent in body only (attendance to this meeting was via text to Val) was Lloyd Woodward, at home healing up. Lloyd, we missed you and hope you will be with us next meeting at Mount Lebanon United Methodist Church!
Cheryl and Jim started the weekly update with a progress report on son Andy. He is still in his half-way house doing well...he was voted "Peer of the Week"!! He is currently a "level 2", and his medical situation is being monitored. All is well at this time, and all of us pray that it continues to be so!
Daisy's son Ozzie came home from placement. He has been gone for about 6 months, and Daisy feels "like he never left"...I am sure that is a common experience for many parents when their kid comes home after a long time out of the house...re-entry is difficult. Ozzie is really testing Daisy to see if in fact she has changed, and if he has any power at home any more. Daisy is using her best PSST techniques as much as possible. As a matter of fact, before Daisy could respond to one of Ozzie's requests, he said "and don't use that 'I'm not comfortable' stuff...that's PSST!!" Little pitchers have big ears...the darlings. Daisy, what you are going through now is tough, but all of us at PSST are here to support you....You WILL get through this tough period!
Michael, Max and Mel's oldest, decided to try life on his own and moved out of the house a week ago. It was an amicable decision; Michael wants to live on his terms, not having to follow house rules. Max and Mel said "if that's what you really want to do, we won't stop you". Currently he is couch surfing, not attending school, but very responsible at work, which he loves. In fact, all he really wants to do is work so he can sometime soon get an apartment. He keeps his parents posted by text messages, although they are becoming less frequent. Max and Mel are waiting and watching, hoping that sometime (sooner rather than later) Michael has an epiphany that will help him figure out what he really wants and how to obtain it, in a safe way. Michael knows how much he is loved and that he is welcome home anytime, as long as he follows house rules.
Rocco and Sally's Cisco is at a "different level with his addiction", according to Rocco. Cisco has been more honest lately, even admitting to having broken house rules, which resulted in a lock-down, and him missing a family reunion. Rocco and Sally have seen maturity in Cisco; he wants to buy his own cell phone, and rebuffed Sally's offer of help. His anger, once a huge issue, has been well under control. The family really likes Cisco's counselor, who has advised family counseling NOW, before Cisco comes home; this will aid in a smoother transition when it is time for Cisco to come home - after being out of the home almost 2 years! Rocco and Sally, you guys are The Little Engine That Could!
Kitty is cautiously optimistic regarding son Carlyle's imminant discharge from his rehab. She says, "last year at this time, I didn't see my kids at all; now I'm out in Aliquippa 3 times a week"! Her older son, Cat, is also at a half-way house on the same campus. Kitty knows that although things seem good, her son knows how to push her buttons, and vice-versa. Kitty has been dealing with her older son's addiction for several years, so I will call her a veteran, even though she has only just started coming to PSST meetings. She has managed to "detach with love" from her 2 kids, and has made taking care of herself a priority. We all have to learn how to do this, and most of us agree, it is one of the most difficult things we have to do. Kitty, any advice would be most welcome!
Angela's daughter Samantha was just discharged from her RTF after being there for 90 days. She continues there to finish high school as well as a partial program. Samantha wants to go back to her home high school, but that is out of the question.
Angela has given Samantha back her phone, as well as monitored use of the computer. She is under house arrest. It is difficult and stressful being home with this teen; it has been a struggle every day, according to Angela.
Her husband will be out of town for a week, and the prospect of going at this alone is frightening...she needs "Chuck Norris to move in"!
Angela, I think you and Daisy ought to meet for coffee! On a good note - Angela overheard Samantha talking on the phone to one of her "old" friends that was one of her main contacts. She told him "I won't be talking to you for at least 90 days."
She got that one right!
Posey's son Thor had decided to leave the house about 3 weeks ago. It has been very stressful as she didn't know where he was. He suddenly showed up again; he failed a drug test at his alternative school, and Posey was called to pick him up. Thor said he wanted to come home, and Posey, being a good PSST-er, said "if you want to live here, you have to follow the rules". He slept in his bed - not the sofa or the basement - for the first time in a long while. Posey, are we living parallel lives? Am I your doppleganger? Michael liked to sleep on the sofa too....
Francoise and Brigitte have their hands and hearts full of son Pierre. He has just started his inpatient program, and prior to this, they were unsure as to whether or not a PO was needed. As we often say in PSST, the kid will show you exactly what he needs; they practically ask for it.
A while ago, Francoise and Brigitte removed Pierre's bedroom door as a consequence. Before going to inpatient, in a defiant move, Pierre proceeded to smoke weed in his bedroom for all to see - no doubt he was telling his parents "in your face, Mere et Pere!" (though not said that nice, and probably not in French).
This left no doubt in anyone's mind that a PO will be necessary upon Pierre's discharge.
Now, there is much anxiety, because when they tell him this, he will no doubt become enraged. This is true, but Francoise and Brigitte have something important on their side; they are telling this tough news to Pierre while he is in patient. This is the best atmosphere in which to give difficult news to a difficult kid; the parents will be supported and protected, and Pierre will get the help he needs from his counselors when they see how he reacts and acts out.
Many of our kids are the "perfect patient" when they go in patient. The counselors report "what a great kid! He is really cooperative!" and don't see what we see at home. It is important that they have a true understanding what the parents are up against; all the rants and raves and knocking down chairs while they are in a facility HELPS your situation, and actually helps them get the help they really need...don't fear it!
F & B, we are looking forward to hearing the outcome of this showdown. We have all been there and done that, and will continue to be there for you, too.
The Kramdons joined us today, and as always had interesting stories to share.
Ralph gave kudos to Lloyd..he apparently predicted that older son Norton, who ran away to his birth family out of the country, would make contact in 6 months. Well, it was 6 months and one week that Norton emailed Ralph saying "dad, I want to come home".
Lloyd was then dubbed "The Oricle Of Juvenile Probation", and "A Sage" (none of this, by the way, is good for Lloyds head..).
All jokes aside, the Kramdons knew, even as Norton pulled on heartstrings, that this could be just a cry for money and not a real desire to return. Norton has legal issues; if he were to really come back, he would be on probation, dealing with court, fines, and possible jail time.
In his email Norton suggested that Ralph "fly down and meet" him, another signal. The Kramdons stood tough and refused to enable. If Norton really wants to come home, face his charges and make amends with his folks, he will find a way to get home by hisself, without help from Ralph and Alice. A painful, but very wise decision by the Kramdons.
On a happier note, son Ed continues to do well at home and school. As any normal teen, Ed is ready for more freedom, but Alice and Ralph are dubious. There needs to be more action on Ed's part to earn back their trust. Ed is trying to figure out how he can do this - more phone calls to check in for a start. The Kramdons reward these efforts by giving him "little nuggets of supervised freedom".
Jenn and Brad's son Dylan was recently released from an acute mental health program. They have been having family based counseling which seemed to be going well.
After returning to his home school, he "blew up" in class; all were in agreement when the decision was made to send Dylan back to the alternative school where he just left - he also has friends there which made it easy for him.
On the short break between the two schools, Dylan "had to celebrate". He became out of control and manipulative; When his parents showed up to get him at the appointed time, he said "I'm not ready yet, come back at 2 a.m.".
Wisely his parents said no. As luck would have it the police were called to the home of the party where Dylan was. There were underage kids drinking, and no adults present. Dylan was released to his parents, totally un-phased.
A magistrate hearing was set up, in part to "scare Dylan straight" - one would think a small taste of the legal system would frighten most teens. Not so in this case (I had the same situation with my younger son! Read Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure Part I & II)
Dylan announced "I'm not going to listen to anyone, I am doing whatever I want, I can't commit to any rules".
Although Jenn and Brad have a nice relationship with the local police, who show up when needed for some support, Dylan needs more; the plan is Act 53; a wise move. Dylan does have mental health issues, but drugs and/or alcohol can easily exacerbate the situation. When the teen is clean for a reasonable period, mental health services can better diagnose and treat the patient.
For more information on Act 53 and if it is right for you, there is more on this blog. Enter it into the search bar, or look on the left to older posts.
In the meantime, Jenn and Brad, we are with you in your difficult journey. Hang in there, you are not alone.
Wilma has her hands full (who in this group doesn't, I ask?); not only is Bam-Bam not cooperative in his treatment (he refused to "perform" for his drug test, and doesn't want his parents at family night), her spouse Fred is not on the same parenting page (although he did make some delicious cookies the other week, it is not a substitute!).
Wilma decided to drug test her son herself, and he was positive for weed. Wilma rightfully wanted to ground Bam-Bam until he tested negative, to which Bam replied "but that means 30 days!!" Fred sadly chimed in "I think that's too long, too!". Wilma has had enough and wants to press charges. Val advised her to proceed with Act 53.
We noted a few things at this point. One is, there is more than one parent amongst us who has to go it alone, without the full support of the spouse. This is difficult and painful to do, but it has been done.
Kudos to Jane, who stood up in court more than once to get son Elroy in treatment. Val, who was present, praised her for the great job she did. No one means to suggest that the enabling parent doesn't love their kid. They love them a lot. They just haven't seen the PSST light!
Once you see the truth about manipulations and what constitutes enabling, you can't go back!
Another discussion ensued regarding adoption. Of the PSST parents present, several have adopted kids with issues.
Why is that so? A few responses; kids having kids who then place those babies for adoption, no doubt had issues of their own. Perhaps they were involved with drugs or alcohol, had ADD or other mental health issues, which made them more impulsive with partners and less likely to have "safe protected sex".
This isn't true in all cases, but many. So our adopted kids have some inherited biological tendencies that we ourselves never had to deal with.
Nurture AND Nature makes up a person. We all are doing our best on the nurture side of things, but as we all know there are some things we cannot change. The Serenity Prayer works well about now.
Our final family before our break was Jane and son Elroy. Elroy is doing well at his RTF. Jane is pleased but cautious, as she knows her son can say what eveyone wants to hear, although she does see some positive changes.
At the latest family meeting, George, who is another spouse that isn't always on Janes page, attended. The excercise was "write your son's obituary". The kid had to write their own, which was thought provoking. Jane stood up to read hers, and cried all the way through it like most moms would, citing the things Elroy had meant to her.
Georges turn; he said "Elroy won't be missed by anyone, or known for anything because of all his stupid mistakes". Jane was horrified - how could George be so heartless?
Suddenly all the other dads in the room were "high-fiving" George for "speaking the truth". When Elroy was asked how he felt about his dad's obituary, he thought for a moment and said "it's true". Jane thought about this and realized that her husband may have said something constructive after all; maybe he did get through to Elroy.
She went home to acknowledge a good point made by George.
Some of us parents, mostly the moms get very emotional and protective of our kids, and when some spouses jump in with a harsher tone, with no thought if it will hurt anyone's feelings, we become upset with our spouse. We hate to admit it, but sometimes that is the more appropriate approach with our kids.
BREAK TIME - We took a short break for some coffee, tea, cookies and other treats and some interesting discussions.
PLAY TIME - We did a role play about handling a son who has returned home from a few months in a Recovery Treatment Facility. Mom is finding out that old line "The more things change, the more they stay the same" to be truer than she hoped for.
Our teens returning home for a visit (especially our teens returning home for good) is a source of anxiety for most parents. It can trigger our co-dependency addiction days, even weeks, prior to them even coming home, no matter how well they have done in their recovery program. It is important to you to have a plan with a contract in place ahead of time.
Quite frankly not all recovery programs do very well in preparing parents or their child for their return home. This is where PSST comes in - come to our meetings and learn how to prepare and stick to your plan. Of course things will rarely go the way you plan, never-the-less you will have the whole group here to listen to you, support you and help you through this tough time.
So the role play was a son returning home (on electronic home monitoring a.k.a. ankle bracelet) pushing the boundaries and generally test his mom to see if he gain the power back in their home. In this role play he wants to know why he can't have a cell phone of his own (Hint: He already knows why but he is going to badger his mom about it until she breaks down)
Son: ...but mom I need a phone! I am going nuts in this house with no friends to talk to!!!"
Mom: Sorry, you know we can't do that, you know that you can't have a cell..."
Son: "Man, you sound just like that stupid P.O.! What are you like one of his zombies? I am going to flip out here mom, you can't expect me not to talk to anyone except you!!!"
Mom: Listen I know it is going to be a really tough 90 days but that's what we agreed to, it's what is in our contract."
Son: That stupid @ss contract is worth sh*t mom, that's just some bullsh*t that that goofy P.O. wants..."
Mom: "Honey I am not comfortable with you having..."
Son: "Mom! That's more of that stupid P.O. bullsh*t! That I'm not comfortable crap! Don't you remember mom, I was there the night he came and talked to the parents. I heard all of his sh*t talk..."
Mom: "Listen, I understand that you are going to have a hard time with this, never the less it is our contract and we will stick to it and that includes no cell phone."
Son: "Mom I am going to flip out here! If I can't talk to my fiends then I am going to leave! I am just going to walk out of here! This is worse than my RTF, I had it easier in my RTF! You are like my biggest trigger, if I flip out it is going to be all your fault! I would rather be back in my RTF..."
Mom: (Remaining calm) "Your right I probably am your biggest trigger and guess what you are my biggest trigger too. Like I said, we knew this was not going to be easy. It is not easy for me or you. I would love to be able to give you things that you want but you know that is my issue, enabling you. I need to stop enabling you. So the answer is no. Now listen I am going up to my room to relax. I need you to relax yourself, go watch TV, or read or something."
Mom ends the conversation and walks away.
Son: At first just standing there but then following his mom and crying: "I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't get so angry mom. But listen I just get so upset..."
Mom: Stopping for just a minute: "I understand honey, now I am going to my room and I suggest that you go to your room and calm down."
Son: "But mom don't you understand..."
Mom: "Yes honey I really do understand. Right now I need some quiet time for me."
Son: "But mom just talk to me, we can work this out mom..."
Mom: "Son, do you see this space where my door used to be before you broke it off. Let's pretend it is still there and I am closing it. Now you go back to your room and pretend that you are closing your door that was there before I took it off and threw it away and just relax for a while."
Role plays are different from reality - most of us have experienced this.
Never-the-Less don't miss out on a chance to try them. They will help you to be prepared when reality strikes. The more you practice them the better you will be, not perfect, better. Thanks to our two veteran PSST Parents Max and Ralph for doing the role play - Max does a great recovering son and Ralph does a great mom!
Thanks as usual to our PSST Pro's for being there for us and for all of the PSST Parents that made it to the meeting.
Years ago, Sally and Rocco attended an elementary school meeting on self esteem and were told: “Your child has a big advantage in their life because you cared enough to attend this meeting.”
Although your son or daughter may be in a “bad place” right now they have a “big advantage” in their life because you cared enough to attend a PSST meeting.
More than likely your teenager will not grasp the “big advantage” concept. In all probability they will resent that you go to “those meetings where you are misled by that crazy dude.” Or as our kids put it so well "You guys belong to that PSST Cult!"
NEVERTHELESS they are in a better place because YOU DO CARE enough to try to save your child's life.
We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is another great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents at the next PSST Meeting ~ SAturday March 19 at the **NEW MT LEBANON LOCATION**
Mt Lebanon United Methodist Church
3319 West Liberty Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15216
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