Parent Group 5-12-07 Wexford. Role-play"Why can't I smoke cigarettes?" Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, May 13, 2007

On 5-12-07, PSST was attended by seven parents and one younger guest family member. None of the parents wanted to role-play. Every one's teen seemed to be pretty stabilized this week and people wanted to "stay under the radar." Just when I thought the whole role-play thing was dead, the guest bravely stepped up to the plate. She is the sister of a teen but at PSST she played a Mom. Boy, she hit a home run. Then, others wanted to be involved. It was a fun one after all.


The thing about the cigarette issue is that it is very controversial to even try to stop your teen addict from smoking cigarettes. "Don't even worry about it," many people say. "Would you rather have your teenager smoking Crack or smoking cigarettes?" And one parent shared that his doctor has told him that the next generation of ADD drugs will be nicotine-based so don't worry about it. Teens are simply self-medicating.

Another factor that people point out is that it is very difficult to enforce a no smoking rule. For example, Gregory Bodenhamer, author of BACK IN CONTROL and PARENT IN CONTROL, states repeatedly that if you have a rule- enforce it. If you can't or will not enforce a rule- don't have it.

A third consideration that some people espouse is this: "they have given up everything else- don't take smoking away from them too."

The fourth argument is that recovering people seem to smoke heavily. Therefore, all addicts will be exposed to smoking in or outside of 12-step meetings. Therefore, it is unrealistic to expect them to not smoke when they are exposed to so many smokers on a regular basis. Also, after-meeting activities, such as eating at Eat N Park will also expose the recovering addict to cigarette smokers.

However, there are people that see things differently. For one thing, if your child is not 18 years of age, it is not legal for him to smoke or use other tobacco products. Are parents supposed to buy them for their underage teenagers too? And if so, does that send the teenager a poor message?

A second thing of course is that smoking cigarettes is also dangerous and can kill you. Albeit, much slower than most drugs, but still it is a life-threatening habit.

A third argument for not allowing your teenager to smoke is that his self-image is tied up with the smoking cigarettes, the abusing drugs, and breaking the law. It is important that the teenager begins to see himself differently, i.e., as a law-abiding, nonsmoking, and drug free person. They believe that this not smoking can help the teenager to begin to see himself in a more positive light.

I think that this issue is also stated powerfully by Bodnehamer in PARENT IN CONTROL.

"Q: I don't really want my teenage daughter to smoke, but of all the things parents have to watch out for, smoking seems like a minor vice. Shouldn't I prioritize the rules I want her to obey and concentrate on enforcing the most important ones?

"A: Yes, you should prioritize the enforcement of your rules. But stopping your daughter from smoking should be high on the list of prohibitions, not just because smoking is unhealthy but also because it is a gateway behavior associated with serious drug and alcohol abuse, early sexual activity, truancy, and dropping out of school. Smoking also serves as an identity badge for high-risk kids to identify one another. Even if your daughter isn't misbehaving, many high-risk kids will be drawn to her because she smokes. And the more she associates with poorly supervised children, the greater the risk that she will be socialized into joining their destructive and dangerous behavior."

We can see the different sides of this issue. It has do do with the age of the teenager, the values of the parents, and the whether or not the parent has the willingness and the ability to enforce a non-smoking rule. If possible, it is a very good idea to stop your teenager from smoking. The following role-play demonstrates an approach to enforce a no smoking rule. Nothing should be implied that parents who allow older recovering teenagers to smoke tobacco are wrong. Each parent must choose the approach that is right for them in their circumstances for their teenager.
The following role-play is inspired by the several that we did in group. This approach tries to demonstrate how parents can choose to make a rule about not smoking, and then weed though the manipulations of the teen and enforce the nonsmoking rule.

Son: Dad, I heard that when I get out of rehab, you are not going to allow me to smoke.

Dad: That's right Son.

Son: Well, gee Dad, when we're you going to tell me this? I'm supposed to get out of here in a four to six weeks! We're you going to wait until I was home?

Dad: Good point Son. I wasn't sure when the right time was to talk about these rule changes. I think you are right. We should talk about them now. [Moving chair up closer- strong eye contact.] Let's talk about all the rules or just about the no smoking one if you like.

Son: That's bull shyt Dad! You and Mom said when I turned 17, it was up to me. Well, I'm still 17! You can't change that rule! Everyone at NA smokes! What, am i supposed to be the only one in NA that doesn't smoke? My sponsor said we have lost enough. He smokes cigarettes and says that it's the only vice he has left! Some people in NA think smoking cigarettes can even help you stay clean! You said that you would do ANYTHING to help me stay clean! Guess you were just full of shyt huh?

Dad: Son, is it necessary to speak that way at me and swear?

Son: I'm pissed off Dad! You really snuck this one in on me! This was never part of the deal when I went to rehab! I'm supposed to kick drugs in here. No body said anything about cigarettes!

Dad: Nevertheless, it is hard for me to discuss things with you when you when you raise your voice and swear. [Moves up chair closer but lowers voice to a bit more than a whisper.] It makes it hard for me to hear you.

Son: I don't care. [He says he doesn't care but he lowers his voice to say that.]

Dad: Look Son, I'd love to talk with you about this- but it's unacceptable to speak in that tone of voice and swear like that. Stop it please.

Son: OK [rolling eyes.]

Dad: Here's the deal. You ready? Can we talk now?

Son: Yeah- say it go ahead - say it.

Dad: I've changed my mind about a few things. One of them is smoking. It is a new rule- no smoking tobacco and no use of tobacco. It is unhealthy. Stop it.

Son: But I just told you- everyone does and it will help me stay clean.

Dad: Regardless, don't smoke. You have quit while you are in here- so don't smoke when you come home.

Son: Is this all about control Dad? Is that all this is about? You just want to control me, right? There is no other reason really is ther?

Dad: Look, there ARE other reasons. But there is one thing wrong with all the reasons.

Son: Yeah, they are phony.

Dad: Well, the one thing wrong about them is that you won't be impressed by any of them. In fact, you will believe that they are phony.

Son: No kidding cause they suck!

Dad: Well, yes I'm sure from your point of view they do suck.

Son: Dad, nicotine helps me.

Dad: Nevertheless, Son-I'm not changing my rule.

Son: What else are you changing? Do I get food when I come home or did you take that away too?

Dad: Nice try- I'm glad you haven't lost you sense of humor Son.

Son: You know you can't stop me. And it doesn't violate my probation either. I just have to follow my Probation Officer's rules and he didn't say anything about not smoking.

Dad: Oh I don't know about that.

Son: What you mean?

Dad: Your Conditions of Supervision state "A parent must approve of all activities and plans." Well I don't approve of smoking. I spoke to your PO and he said that it will be a Violation of Probation if I don't approve of it.

Son: Oh sure. [rolls eyes.] You think he is going to jack me up to Shuman (detention center) if I use tobacco! That's a joke Dad!

Dad: Well, we won't be doing that Son.

Son: Then, how you gonna stop me? You can't stop me!

Dad: It's a rule. I will enforce it. I'm not sure this is a good time for you-or for us- to discuss consequences.

Son: Like what? Don't go all "we can't talk about this now," tell me!

Dad: For one thing, you have your Permit to Drive now. If you smoke-no driving.

Son: That's stupid.

Dad: Regardless, that's the deal. Oh, and there's more.

Son: More?

Dad: Yes, you see I won't trust you when you first get out of the rehab. We've talked about how trust will take a while to build. In order to trust you I have to see how your going to do - what your attitude is, you know, after you are released.

Son: So? My attitude it great. I just don't like your "new rules-thing." You act like you are a dictator here- like you're a little king. We live in a democracy Dad! We should vote!

Dad: Your attitude is fine right now. You just heard somethings you didn't like. I mean that if you present a negative attitude at home, try to sneak cigarettes, have a chip on your shoulder about all these "rules," then it will be harder for me to learn to trust you.

Son: You never trusted me. You will never trust me. You don't even love me! It's just your ego Dad, that's all that matters to you! It's just a game of control the drug addict to you! (looking angry.]

Dad: Ouch! Sorry you feel THAT way! Regardless Son, you said you wanted this information, that now was a good time to talk about all this. Well, I think you're right. I don't want to keep you in the dark about all this. I want you to know how things will be.

Son: Well you said there's more? What more? What could be worse than that?

Dad: Well, if I don't see responsible behavior from you, I won't want to grant any privileges you might need. So, if you persist on smoking, I can't really stop you- but it will do no good to complain about the consequences. OK?

Son: Fine! Is this meeting over? Cause I can't stand meeting with you. You really kill me with these rule-changes!

Dad: Sure. I'm done. Do you mind if I just say one last thing?

Son: [groans] you love me- quit throwing that stupid stuff at me. I'm not retarded!

Dad: Oh boy! You know me SO well. [laughs.] Nope THAT is one thing we don't have to worry about! You are definitely not retarded! Thanks for your honesty in this one- good luck with it! [Puts arm around Son's shoulder, Son tries to move away, but he is not fast enough at first, then he pulls away.]