Lori- Part II- Parent Baggage Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, May 10, 2007

We parents have collected some baggage along the way, some serious baggage. And as our teenager proceeds into a recovery lifestyle as an adult, we must face our baggage. Like our teenager who has proceeded into recovery, we too must recover from our baggage, and let it go.

As parents of drug addicted teenagers, we have been through plenty. There have been numerous ups and downs, which were crushing on both ends. We have made decisions regarding our children that parents should never need to make, coupled with unbearable heartache. And no one understands unless they have been there too, so we certainly are not surrounded by support. In fact, we can’t even discuss these issues with just anyone. We had to seek out some support and be with other parents in the same situation, yet still be cautious over what we discussed with whom. Just finding someone that would understand, let alone provide good advice was difficult. So this has been a rough ride for us.

And it has been a rough ride for our teenager too. They have been in and out the treatment facilities, in and out of juvenile detention facilities, on and off probation, in and out of hospitals, etc., etc., etc.

The ironic thing is, the times that we felt most comfortable were when our kid was locked-up. As my husband and I called it: “When he was in captivity.” What a thing to say about your own child! Let’s face it, it is the only time I knew he was safe, the only time I could really sleep at night without worrying:

“Where is he now?”
“How much heroin is he going to take tonight?”
“What is going to happen tomorrow?”
“Is tonight the night I get the call from the morgue?”
“Maybe I should start calling the morgues.”

The thoughts that have past through us in this extreme stress that we have been enduring for years are just awful! So very awful! And the exhaustion that comes with it all, it is overwhelming. God, I am so tired, so very tired!

We parents have collected some baggage along the way, some serious baggage. And as our teenager proceeds into a recovery lifestyle as an adult, we must face our baggage. Like our teenager who has proceeded into recovery, we too must recover from our baggage, and let it go.

As we proceeded through the years of dealing with our drug addicted teenager, our defenses were up, and we built a history of one disaster after the next. Will we ever stop expecting that next disaster? Will there ever come a time when we can just relax? I don’t know. However, I am learning this. As my son proceeds through all of the treatment that he has received, and begins his new life in drug recovery; as my family begins to rebuild itself with my son, I have trouble letting go of my baggage. When things are going well, I am still expecting the next disaster. Surely, it will come sooner or later. It always has in the past. Why will it be different now?

Well it may be different now. As our teenagers have been learning to deal with their addiction and starting their life in recovery, the disasters have come less often and they are less severe when they do. And they themselves are learning to deal with the disasters. In drug recovery, they have a support system and they are learning how to live there, because they must live there forever! I tell my son now, that it is no longer sufficient that he is clean. He must be clean and be in the recovery lifestyle, because if he isn’t, his relapse is just a matter of time.

So are things so different now? And how do we as parents deal with this uncertainty?

As our child emerges from the drug rehabilitation process, they will be adults responsible for themselves. In order for them to stay in drug recovery, they must assume complete responsibility for themselves. So, we as parents now take a back seat and allow them to function independently within the recovery lifestyle. Not that we won’t be a part of their lives. Not that we won’t see them falter, if they do. Not that we will not take the opportunity to push them in the right direction if they get off track. However, our drug-addicted teenager is now an adult in drug recovery. The uncertainty of what may happen next may never go away. However, it surely diminishes the longer that they are in recovery and the more responsibility they assume.

So how do we free ourselves of this baggage? How can we now deal with this new adult without showing the anxious desperation of the past? How do we stop looking at the moments that we share with our now adult child as a prelude to the next disaster and stop viewing every situation by seeing our glass as half empty? You know ---- he may be doing just fine now, but sooner or later I am going to get the rug of life jerked out from under me one more time. I am going to find myself collapsing from within as I, once again, must make these very difficult choices and confront his drug addiction. Sure as shootin’! --- There will be one more time when my world sinks in on me!

But why can’t we see our glass as half full? He is doing well; has been doing well for a while. Sure he has had some slips, but he recovered by working his support system. His attitude is better than ever. He has plans for a productive future and prepares for that future. We are having good times as a family. He laughs with us, and willingly involves himself in family responsibilities. I have no reason to believe that he is going to search for drugs today; that the birthday money that I give to him now is going to be spent on drugs. I really have no reason today, to believe that. But God knows, it is hard to eradicate this high anxiety state that we all have been in for years. But only God knows what will be tomorrow. We don’t.

I heard a quote the other day, by Joe Farrell. He is a jazz musician and has been since the ‘70’s. He said, “I don’t really care if my glass is half full or half empty. I am just happy to have a glass.” And even though he probably meant this as a joke, I find it very profound. We cannot change the past and we must stop dwelling on it. We cannot let the anxiety and nightmares of our past destroy our future with our child. Our child is in recovery now and doing well. Maybe not perfect, but well and he shows more promise every day. We must shed this excess baggage that we have collected over the years of dealing with our drug-addicted teenager so we can now enjoy our adult child. We must stop looking at our glass as half empty.

However, we shouldn’t be unrealistically optimistic either, because he may slip. So I am not so sure we can look at our glass as half full either. As my husband has said, “Don’t get too low on the lows, but don’t get too high on the highs either.” Don’t expect your child to be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. And there is no cure for this disease of drug addition. It is something they must live with forever. And with all diseases, they maybe some set backs. However, if they stay in drug recovery, they can work through their times of weakness and maybe it wont involve a relapse. And we must have some faith that they will do that.

So, let’s stop worrying about our glass being half empty and lets us not be consumed with speculation that our glass could be half full. We must be ready to be happy in order to enjoy the good moments that we now are having with our new adult child. We must be happy just to have a glass.

What can we do now to help our now adult child to stay clean, to stay in the recovery lifestyle? It is hard to accept the fact that there is little left for us to do. Our teenager is an adult now. We must allow him to assume responsibility for his own recovery, even though he may make mistakes. We have done basically all that we can do. However, I think there are still a couple of things that we can still do.

One thing I do is reward my son for living the recovery life style. If there is a spiritual retreat that he wishes to attend, I will pay for that. If he needs a ride to or from college on selected days, we will provide that. If he wants a gym membership, I will give him that. If he wants to do anything that is consistent with recovery, I will try to provide that. However, I keep the rewards to a reasonable level and not to the point that it makes life too easy for him. He must make an effort himself to maintain a positive life style, because that is what makes it worthwhile for him. He must have some ‘skin in the game’. My son has confessed to me that he is afraid of relapsing if life is made too easy for him. He must be responsible for providing for himself in order to stay clean.

I am a major Bon Jovi fan and you can listen to their new soon-to-be-released single on their website. It is called, “(You want to) Make a Memory?” And I think we need to make a few with our recovering drug addicted child. So another thing we can do is to allow these memories to happen. And with our baggage, this needs to be a conscious decision, to let go of those anxieties and enjoy their company. We must give ourselves permission to be happy. The moment is good and there is no need for anxiety at this moment. It is really okay. We are now having some good times together with our son, and I try to stop the desperation of the past from sneaking to the surface and spoiling these moments. I sure hope that these moments are fun for him also, that his family is important to him. I absolutely hope that he is no longer willing to throw his family away for his drug addiction.

I don’t know if my son will ever relapse again. And I do not know what will stop him from doing so. However, I think the happy times that we are now having gives him a reason to hold onto his family. That the times we spend together at the house, on vacation, going to the movies, celebrating birthdays and holidays, etc., will create happy memories for him. And I will not take that from him. I will work through my excess baggage and enjoy the moment. For maybe the memory that we are creating at that moment, maybe the memory that pops in his head if he weakens, and makes him stop, turn around, and come home.

It maybe naïve to think that a simple memory can go toe-to-toe with the force of addiction. But I do not know what else to do. But I do know this. My son enjoys his family now, and we are enjoying him. After the years of dealing with his drug addiction, after years of heartache for everyone, he is once again a member in good standing with the family. And we are having fun. He laughs with his sister, he actually asks advice of his father, he helps his grandmother, and he calls me often, just to talk. He plans family things, such as cookout on the deck, and he does the cooking. He helps with the landscaping of our house, even though he no longer lives with us. He wants to be with his family. And it has been such a long time ... such a very long time … since we all have simply enjoyed each other. Like the prodigal son that has been gone for so long, he has finally come home. And I will not allow my baggage to bubble to the surface and take that away from my family. I will not allow my baggage to take that away from my son; and I will not allow it to take these good moments away from me. Haven’t we all lost enough?

As in the words of Bon Jovi,

“Hello Again, it’s you and me.
Kinda always like it used to be.

How’s your life, it’s been awhile?
God it is good to see you smile.

Do you want to make a memory? “


Of one thing I am sure, these memories that we are creating now, they will give us strength to deal with whatever more his drug addiction may throw at us. And I hope that these memories will do the same for him.

So when my son is visiting and he suggests that we play a round of cards, I drop what I am doing and say, “Sure.” As we are ‘beating the pants’ off his father and sister, I pause to take in the smile that is across his face. And as I pray that we are creating a memory that means something to him, I can feel myself begin to be lifted from the ruins of his drug addiction. So I take a deep breath, let it all go, and allow myself to be happy.

For at that moment ------ I have a glass.