A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53 - PART 2
PEBBLES HAS HER DAY IN COURT by Betty
Pebbles' mom, Betty, sent this follow up to her previous post.
To see the original post click here: A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53
Pebbles hearing was on Monday. She did decide to attend. And we all went together as a happy family.
Pebbles has already spent 28 days at Gateway and (1) whole day at Pyramid. They MADE me pick her up since she refused to eat and has a eating diagnosis they did not want to be responsible for.
So Abraxas was there and spoke with her and Barney and me. It sounded as if they they had a wonderful program for girls that Pebbles could benefit from.
Unfortunately, they did not accept her either because of her history of cutting and she has scars on her arm. So as we went in to see the judge Act 53 had no recommendations to give him.
Since then we did press charges so that after she did her rehab stay she would then have a probation officer to answer to for a longer period of time. She was handcuffed and taken to Shuman to be held until the probation office can find a place to meet her needs.
We were in shock!
I have recovered better than Barney.
Barney is very afraid she is going to be placed with a Wards facility. Barney is a police officer and deals with a particular one in our area that he is not impressed with to say the least.
Our older daughter was put in Wards Independent living (which meant at that time, living independently in your very own apartment that she picked out). She was not supervised AT ALL. She did not attend school, get a part time job, see a therapist, go to NA, or have even one "mandatory" urine test. The apartment was a party place for teens. She left when she caught it on fire.
I think giving them an apartment is no longer part of the program options. Thank God, at least I hope not.
It looks as if they are looking for something more for severe mental issues with an element of D&A. Something I have not prepared myself for.
My husband wants to drop the charges before she ends up in something he doesn't want or have control of. I guess I would rather keep the charges and have her come home with an ankle bracelet and on probation.
And then we can continue to live in our made up asylum.
How could this go so wrong?
A Parent Asks for Advice on Act 53 - PART 2
Posted by:Rocco--Friday, March 09, 2012
Bam Bam's EHM is Off Again, On Again - By Wilma
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, March 04, 2012
A lot can happen in a week (have I said this before?). Bam Bam was reaching the end of his EHM sentence and getting very antsy. He was bugging us to call and find out if they were coming on Friday 2/24 to bust him loose. I told him to call himself which he did, though I don't know how many times he may have called. He was also pestering his P.O. The day before the BIG DAY we had our weekly meeting with Bam and his P.O. about rules and expectations following his release. Bam Bam WAS NOT happy when P.O. told him he is not to associate with people actively using (though I don't know how we can prove this point) and he was not to be found hanging out at Eddie's house (the known social hosting house where anything goes). Also told he has to follow his court ordered curfew and some other stuff. He told us all that he was just going to use the next day as Eddie is his ONLY friend and he just can't give him up! This is NOT FAIR! Bam Bam had his stormy, I'm not listening to any of you look on his face. We tried talking to him about how well he's done, doing good in school and that he is going to be pretty busy anyway what with the community service he hasn't started, some school commitments and looking for (and hopefully getting) a job. Bam Bam was having nothing to do with this. I thought for sure when the p.o. left something was getting broken or he would run. Drug tests were good and before the P.O. left our Service Coordinator from another agency came to the house. Since Bam is on probation the service coordinator has to meet with him every 14 days. Since he was not happy with our p.o. meeting he was not cooperative with svc coord so nothing was accomplished. I again thought after she leaves something is getting broken but miraculously there was no property damage or any physical altercations. Friday arrives. I am at work where I get very sad news about the death my cousin. Then I come home where Bam has the bracelet off and EHM has picked up the monitoring device. He is ready to split. His court ordered curfew (from the JUDGE) is 11:00 friday and saturday and 9:00 sun-thursday. Well, he comes home at midnight Friday and calls Fred after midnight on Saturday to pick him up. His interpretation of his curfew is midnight on weekends and 10 on school nights. what courtroom was he in? I also had seen on his facebook page announcing a party at another questionable house for Saturday night. Bam is having a great weekend now that he is a free bird. You might say just tell him to stay home but I can't physically control him and he doesn't listen. We will have to see what he does with the rope he has.
Monday the whole family attends the funeral and then I take Bam to his outpatient appointment where afterwards I dropped him off for practice. He doesn't come home until 10. He again gets clear instructions from his P.O. on what his curfew is. Tuesday he is just not feeling well so he goes to school late. When I get home around 5, however, he is much better and planning on going to the basketball game. Fred gives him $15 for the occasion. The game starts 8-8:30 and curfew is 9:00 why bother going? It's also at a different school. And I know that he isn't really interested in going to watch a basketball game and most likely has other plans. Well, Bam says, the judge said he doesn't have to follow curfew for special occasions and this is a special occasion. Hmmm, I don't think this is what he meant. I text the P.O. who confirms THIS IS NOT an allowed activity and he sends a very clear text to Bam and forwards to me what is allowed. Bam leaves anyway with an unknown driver and Eddie. Later Fred gets a call to pick up Bam on the road Eddie lives on. Bam said the unknown driver dropped him off in front of Eddie's house but he didn't go in and started walking home. Does he think we are that stupid? Wednesday Bam is just too sick to go to school but I tell him he has to go to to his psychiatrist appointment otherwise he will not be able to get his medications so he goes. While in the waiting room he is on the phone making plans to chill with Gordon. I tell him he is not chillin with anyone-he didn't go to school he goes home. After the appointment we aren't even in the car yet and the argument begins. Then he switches his story to he has to meet with a group member to work on his project. I tell him I don't believe him, he starts yelling that I called him a liar (which I did not use that word). Meanwhile, I am driving across town in rush hour traffic hoping we don't kill someone if he gets really mad and grabs the stearing wheel. I'm exhausted from the week we've been having and start crying. That gets Bam worked up. I tell him to just stop talking but he can't. He gets even madder when I won't pick him up something at McDonald's. By the time we are almost home I can't take it anymore and drop him off in the neighborhood he says his group member lives but I KNOW doesn't. Says he'll be home by 6 (it's 5:15). He is in the neighborhood where the party was on Saturday. When he isn't home after a few hours I call the project partner's house and there is no answer. Then i call the party host's house and ask if Bam is or was there. Lo and behold he had been there but isn't now. The mom and his friend aren't there either, supposedly. He gets home late again.
Here we are, the next Thursday, Bam Bam is too sick to go to school so Fred takes him to the doctor. P.O. has let him and me know that he is not under any circumstances to leave the house beginning thursday through the weekend. The message was very clear leaving no room for misinterpretation. bam bam tells me the DOCTOR said he could go out after a couple days. Now, he has just been diagnosed with the flu, is still contagious and is suppossed to getting as much rest as possible. What? I tell him P.O. says no way and he has already been informed of this. I text P.O. to let him know Bam Bam is again making his own interpretation of the rules and of course making his own rules. Bam is really p!$$d so he takes off in shorts, t-shirt and can of chew. He stays out for five hours before returning home at 10:30. I check the activity on his cell phone on the carrier's website and can see he is calling and texting his friends. Interesting, I thought he only had one-Eddie! Now its Friday again and Bam Bam is either being placed on EHM (phone calls) or spending the weekend at Shuman Resort. We would have to transport him to the detention center and as I didn't feel we could safely pull this off Bam Bam is once again on house arrest, this time for two weeks. I really felt that spending the weekend at Shuman would have made an impact on Bam Bam, demonstrating to him that we, none of us, are playing games. However, as a wise person once said, he will get another chance.
Wilma
More Things I Wish I had Known...
Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, February 28, 2012
THINGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN
- From The Bridge to Hope
CLICK HERE TO CONNECT TO "BRIDGE TO HOPE" - A Weekly Meeting of Families Affected by Substance Abuse or go to: bridge2hope.org
The “Bridge to Hope” group is a support group for those impacted by the addiction of a loved one. The Bridge to Hope Family Support Group’s mission is to educate and support families confronted with substance abuse and addiction, so they will know they do not walk alone.
THINGS I WISH I HAD KNOWN...
“…I had known I wasn’t alone through all of this and that there was a good support system out there. When I reached out and had a chance to talk with others I realized I wasn’t going crazy.”
“…I had listened to that little whisper from my heart that told me my child was using drugs.”
"…I hadn’t convinced myself that this was “just a phase” or adolescent “right of passage.” That I knew how to distinguish between normal teenage behavior and drug related behavior.”
“…I had understood that no matter how much I loved my child, how much I cried, how much I hurt, how much I bribed, how much I punished, I couldn’t make my child stop using drugs.”
“…I had understood that taking care of myself was just as important as helping my addicted child recover. I had to get better so the cycle of enabling could be broken.”
“… I had understood that addiction could occur in any family. It is not just something that happens in dysfunctional families. Being a role model or even a great parent role model is not enough to stop the disease of addiction.”
“…I had known the huge impact this disease would have on my entire family; and I had taken steps to make sure everyone got the help they needed earlier rather than later.”
“…I had understood how very important it is to have everyone who is supporting a child’s recovery (all parents, family members, church, school and others) on the same page.”
“…I had understood that there is a strong spiritual component to recovery from this disease; that church can be a significant resource for my child and my family. Churches have experience dealing with other addicts in the congregation and they can help us understand that recovery comes from faith in a Higher Power.”
“… I had been able to let go and let God sooner. Recovering from the impact of addiction in the family is a process that takes time and is different for each person.”
“…I had known and really understood what terrible lengths my child would go to (lying, stealing, running away and much worse) to obtain drugs. Valuables needed to be removed from my child’s grasp before the family heirlooms ended up in the pawnshop never to be seen again.”
“…I had understood the difference between encouraging and enabling. Enabling resulted in spending upwards of $10,000 on heroin over the years.”
“…I had known I was enabling my child to use drugs when I lied for him and protected him from consequences. Addiction is a situation of opposites where your heart will rule your decisions instead of your brain. You are not helping your child by protecting him from the consequences of his actions no matter what your heart tells you.”
“…I had known that someday I would feel good about my child being in jail because he is safe and not using drugs.”
“…I had paid attention to the warning signs: dropping grades, withdrawal from sports and school activities, disappearance of old friends (the “good kids”), new friends who had first names but no faces or last names, increased secret phone activity, sneaking out, etc.”
“…I hadn’t convinced myself that this was “just a phase” or adolescent “right of passage.” That I knew how to distinguish between normal teenage behavior and drug related behavior.”
“…I had known more about the drug situation in my community and school. As parents, we are ignorant of the drug problem with a capital “I”. We have to educate ourselves about street drugs, their potency and symptoms of use, as well as the potential for abuse of prescription or other medicine that we may have in the house.”
“…I had listened to the clues I was given by teachers and the school principal. I think many people knew or suspected about my child’s drug use before it was acknowledged at home.”
“…I had understood that drugs are literally everywhere including churches, schools, recovery meetings, rehabilitation centers and places of employment.”
“…I had known that even when I tried to make my child safe by “grounding” them that drugs could easily be “delivered” to the house.”
“…I had understood that no matter how much I loved my child, how much I cried, how much I hurt, how much I bribed, how much I punished, I couldn’t make my child stop using drugs.”
“…I had known that treatment was not a one-shot deal and not a cure.”
“…I understood what a really long process recovery from addiction is (years not months) and that after abstaining from drug use it takes them a long time to catch up with their peers intellectually and socially even though they want so much to be normal.”
“…I had been aware that all recovery meetings are not the same and I had to shop around to find the right program for my child.”
“…I had never given up on my child. Recovery takes time. “Just for today” are watchwords. What a difference two years makes! There isn’t any good reason to give up hope.”
“…I had challenged the educational professionals at school more. There is a truant officer at some schools to support efforts to keep your child in school but you have to ask. There are alternative education programs at some schools but you have to ask.”
“…I had questioned the doctors and the experts more. Addiction can masquerade as depression. I think the age of the child is an issue in treatment. Techniques that work well with a 23-year old may not be appropriate for a 13-year old.”
“…I had known about Act 53, a government funded program to involuntarily court order a child into treatment without a criminal record.”
“…I had known that drug tests could be manipulated.”
Are You A "Balloonatic" ? - by Jessica
Posted by:Sally--Monday, February 20, 2012
BALLOONATIC - The overwhelming feeling that addiction issues have filled your home like a Macy's parade balloon.
Recently I was asked by our wonderful Wesley Spectrum Family Therapist, Jocelyn, to draw a picture representing Herman's "size" relative to the other four rabbits, Roger and myself in our family circle.
It was then that I realized that Herman, who is now "out" about having no interest in working his recovery program, is significantly larger in size than the rest of us.
The image of a huge Macy's parade balloon came into mind, because he completely fills up our home presently, making everyone else seem so small and unnoticeable, not to mention difficult to navigate around in our daily lives.
I also think it is fair to say that an addict who sees no need to be in recovery in order to stay clean, is very much like a large parade balloon; both are full of hot air/gas, and can float out of control do damage without controls in place.
That being said, I started to do some thinking. I found the similarities with guiding a giant helium parade balloon and coexisting with an addict not working a recovery program remarkable.
To guide a Macy's balloon:
50 to 100 volunteers who have had extensive training (because some balloons are more difficult to handle than others) are required. It would be more than helpful if we had 50 to 100 volunteers, but we have six; Roger, the various therapists, one very experienced, strong (wind tested) P.O., Lloyd, and me. I think this group might exceed the power of 100 volunteers, or at least we tell ourselves so.
You must be at least 120 pounds. For our balloon, you must have strong intestinal fortitude. No light weights could handle this stuff.
You must be in good health. This is another important requirement for our balloon. Thus the need to attend support groups like PSST, along with the other various ways to keep your self physically, spiritually, and mentally healthy. I took up running, because along with the obvious mood and health benefits, it is almost impossible to cry and run at a good pace. It works for me.
Now on to planning for the parade route.
For the Macy's parade, a few team leaders are required. A police officer marches along with each balloon. Once again, the similarities are striking. We also have two leaders, Roger and me, and our P.O. marches along with us. In handling our Baby Herman balloon, we have become almost invisible. Let's face it, how many people actually notice the balloon handlers?
Typically, handlers are dressed up in outfits that coordinate with their balloon. Much like the losing of oneself when you only see yourself as the parent of an addict who is headed for relapse. So the handlers/parents hold onto the ropes and guide the balloon, while trying to prevent a mishap. Many accidents happen, your balloon could collapse, and then you find the need to carry it. Your balloon could also crash into a building or injure a handler or an innocent spectator.
Of course true "Balloonatics" are not discouraged or dissuaded by this. We set up guidelines or contracts to help keep the balloon, the handlers, and the spectators safe.
Our Baby Herman "balloon" is one of the more challenging types. He carries around him, the atmosphere of using, think Pig Pen from the Peanuts comic strip.
It consists of:
1) denying the need to go to 12 step meetings, making excuses for why they are not for him
2) fantasizing and reminiscing of his glory days using, and thinking about using in the future
3) desperately waiting to reconnect with old using friends and go to old using places. Any new friend possibilities are discarded as "losers"
4) Addict mentality, the lying, over confidence,defensiveness, mood swings, and self centered point of view - think "dry drunk"
Eventually Herman will relapse. We cannot predict when, but given his lack of working any recovery program, we know a big windy rain storm is headed our parade route.
We Balloonatics will continue to hold onto the ropes, trying to prevent an accident, and guiding Herman as he works and goes to school. This is the best we can do as far as preparing him for his "discharge" from our home in 189 days. As seasoned balloon wranglers, we have a contract in place. We may find ourselves letting go of the ropes sooner than 189 days, if our rope burn gets unmanageable.
Nature VS Nurture - by Wilma
Posted by:Sally--Monday, February 13, 2012
Nature vs Nurture?
And I found out recently that Bam had found one of his brothers on facebook. At first I didn't recognize the name. What caught my eye was this boy mentioning placement and tagging kids he had known in placement so I thought that maybe this was someone Bam had met in placement. then I noticed the hometown linked it with the kid's name and put the puzzle together. And this brother was busted for his involvement in knocking off a convenience store with a gun and had posts about being high. And he is only 16 years old. We have not had physical contact with the birthfamily in about 13 years. So here we have two brothers, not raised together, but both with substance abuse problems, placements and crime. Bam was picked up for shoplifting once and not charged but I suspect that wasn't the first or last time he just hasn't been caught again. But I know that in my own biological family we have had alcoholism, suicide, crime, mental health problems. So even if Bam was my biological child we still had our own skeletons in the closet. I think I was (am) a good mother and did the best I could. I feel that I nurtured him gave him unconditional love, stability. I know i'm not perfect, far from it. And there are kids out there with worse environments who don't turn to drugs and alcohol. Could I have prevented this? Probably not. I just hope that eventually he "gets" it and turns his life around. He is making some progress but I'm afraid when the ankle bracelet comes off, even with probation, he may not be able to resist the influences of his friends and his craving for weed and alcohol.
Wilma
