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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
The "Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop" Feeling
As Andy continues in his current court ordered placement, Cheryl and I are very pleased with his progress. His letters home are very upbeat, containing good news for the week…and also very neat penmanship. He was chosen to participate in a SMRC, where they visit and help with taking elderly residents at the local senior care facility to church on Sundays.
Andy’s weekly five minute phone calls are very pleasant. He’s very polite and positive. During this week’s call he had several pieces of good news: he was selected as the program's “client of the week”; he was selected to participate in the L.E.A.P. (Leadership Experiential Adventure Program), he is about to receive his Level 2 and he is taking the SAT's on Saturday.
After four plus years of some ups and mostly downs with Andy, all of this good news should be a parents’ dream come true (and we are happy for him), but why can’t I shake the nagging feeling that I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop?
Andy’s past track record is to be on his best behavior for about three months before going into a self destruct mode. We have gotten our hopes up so many times in the past, only to have them dashed when his behavior “crashes and burns” in self sabotage.
Will we, as parents who love him unconditionally, ever get back to the point of trusting our son? Trust that Andy is telling the truth? Trust that he is clean and sober? Trust that he is obeying all laws? I feel guilty for the self defense mechanism that I’ve developed to guard against the hurt of behavior let down and lawless activity. Will these emotional callouses ever be removed and let us live a family life with some level of normalcy?
We certainly hope so, but there’s that damn other shoe!
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I want to share this well-written essay with all of you. This young man at first declined to write this essay pointing out to me that he really just needed to focus on himself, not on anybody else. I ask to consider doing it as a favor to me and then he was happy to do it. I think he put some real thought into this assignment, which was "What advice to you have for parents who are struggling with teenagers who have a drug problem."
I think it is better to read this in his own handwriting, so I am putting four links in this post, one to each page of this young man's essay. By the way, I did not discuss with him what he would write. This is all his own thinking and put in his own words.
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PSST for Today
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, November 04, 2011
Reading the quote of the week "Just For Today" made me think of something similar. PSST for today.
1. PSST for today I will not yell at my teenagers. If they yell at me, I will take an inch of their space, lower my voice, talk slower. I will deescalate not escalate.
2. PSST for today I will make it my business to find part of what my teenager says that I can agree with and tell him that I agree. PSST for today I will PSSTwist that agreement to my own talking points.
3. PSST for today I will not reward any behavior that I would like to extinguish. If my teenager is pushy, loud, or manipulative when he asks for something the answer will be NO. When I see behavior I like I will pay attention and find a way, not always a material way, to reward that behavior.
4. PSST for today when my teenager harasses me repeatedly to give in on something that I already said 'no' to, I will tell him that I get it that he just ' needs' to keep asking. I will invite him to ask me as much as he wants right now, and get all the harassment over with. "No, but ask me again," I might say after each harassment.
5. PSST for today I will remember that when I'm saying 'No,' power words such as ' Nevertheless' and ' Regardless' are my best friends. They keep me on track and help me not to be distracted from the real issue.
6. PSST for today I will not argue with or 'debate' my teenager.
7. PSST for today I will try to really listen to what my teenager is saying. I may not agree, but it is my job to show him that I pay attention to what he says.
8. PSST for today I will try to present situations or problems to my teenager designed to help me build new trust. I know that people change, and when my teenager starts changing I want to be their to support him and ready to allow more trust when it is earned.
9. PSST for today, if I do not believe that my teenager can be trusted to go where he says he is going, to do what he says he is going to do, then I will tell him to stay home where I can supervise him. I will let him know that by accepting this gracefully he is starting the process of trusting again.
10. PSST for today I will not keep secrets for my teenager if it is significant to his recovery or his probation. PSST for today I will remember that secrets keep us sick.
11. PSST for today I will hold my teenager accountable. I may hate to be the bad guy, but PSST for today I will remember that my teenager needs me to be his parent, not his friend. PSST for today I will remember that when he is older hopefully we can be friends.
12. PSST for today I will remember to set a good example. PSST for today I will remember that my teenager may defiantly refuse to do what I tell him but he will never fail to imitate me. PSST for today I will model an adult who is like someone that I want my teenager to grow up to be: honest, law-abiding, caring and able to be free from substance abuse.
13. PSST for today I will model an adult who is able to pursue happiness, which may include having interests and hobbies that I feel passionate about, a career that I am proud of, or friends that I care about. PSST for today I will let my teenager know that I am more than just a parent and that even if my teenager is in placement or inpatient, life for me goes on.
14. PSST for today I will try not to ask my teenager "Why." PSST for today I know that I will get more information from him by asking him questions like, "What was that like for you," What would it be like for you if", "Tell me about how that whole thing happened." PSST for today I will remember that open-ended questions are more effective and help me get to know my teenager better. PSST for today I will remember that "Why" tends to make people defensive and makes teenagers shut down.
15. PSST for today I will use good strong body language, direct eye-contact and say things like I mean them. PSST for today i will mean what I say and back up what I say with actions.
16. PSST for today I will place safety as my first priority. PSST for today, I will remember that drugs and alcohol kill and PSST for today I will take whatever actions I deem are necessary to keep my teenager safe.
17. PSST for today I will remember that taking some action is better than taking no action. PSST for today I will allow myself reasonable time to make a decision, time to ask for suggestions from people whose opinions matter, but within a reasonable time I will make a decision and take action commensurate to that decision. PSST for today, I will remind myself that teenagers don't listen to what I say, they listen to what I do.
18. PSST for today I will allow myself the freedom to change my mind, especially if new information is available. "Oops, Sorry but I'm just going to change my mind about that."
19. PSST for today when my son is frustrated and tells me to "go away or I will lose it", I will respect his need for some personal time & space. However I will also assert myself by saying "You're right, it would be better to talk about this later."
20. PSST for today I will strive to be consistent.
21. PSST for today I will try to remember to compliment my teenager when they do something right. We sometimes get so wrapped up in our personal resentment / fear that we forget that they are trying to improve themselves.
22. PSST for today I will accept, maybe even embrace, that my child who is an addict hates me (for now) - I know that I am doing the right thing and I can wait for them to thank me at a later date (if ever) - For now I know they are alive.
23 PSST for today I will take my time to give my teen an answer. If possible I will consult with my spouse (even if they are a step-parent) or someone I trust before I give my answer. They will need to learn to be patient and not expect an instant yes or no.
Please leave a comment especially if you can add to this PSST for Today ideas.
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Dealing with O.D. and Death 
Someone very close to us just lost a cousin to an overdose last week. This of course brings mixed feelings of sorrow and anger, of release and guilt, of "I told you so" and of "why?" Many of us at PSST have been touched by the death of someone due to an overdose, an accident while under the influence or by suicide.
It makes the assertion "Well, it is only marijuana / alcohol / K2 / whatever... " ring very hollow.
Following is a condensed version of an article on Death by Overdose by Dr. Abraham Twerski. Much of what he says can also be applied to dealing with a loved one's addiction.
As Dr. Twerski notes: There is a mixture of intense anger and guilt. Why did he/she use drugs? Why didn’t he/she accept help when it was offered? How could he/she have done this?
To read the entire article click on the title below:
Reacting to O.D. by Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski
"It is natural that when one has lived to a ripe old age and passes on, that the grief can be assuaged by sharing memories.
It is totally different when parents mourn the loss of a child. This is a disruption of nature, and the pain is profound. Even when the acute pain subsides, the wound is never healed."
It is much different when the death is the result of a drug overdose.
It is not unusual for mourners to feel some guilt. They may think back at some harsh words they may have said toward the departed person, or not having been as considerate as they might have been. But such interchanges are part of normal living, and these guilt feelings generally evaporate. Sometimes psychotherapy may be necessary to assuage these feelings.
It is much different when the death is the result of a drug overdose.
There is a mixture of intense anger and guilt.
Why did he/she use drugs? Why didn’t he/she accept help when it was offered?
We drove ourselves into deep debt to pay for treatment. How could he/she have done this to us?
Then there is the guilt.
Why wasn’t I a better parent?
Why did I put other things before the welfare of my child?
Why didn’t I notice that my child was depressed?
Why didn’t I seek help earlier?
These and similar feelings torment the survivors endlessly.
These feelings are difficult to overcome. As powerful as logic may be, it is weak when it confronts such intense emotion. But on the other hand, logic is the only tool we have.
After forty years of treating addiction and writing on the condition, I must admit that I don’t understand addiction. Like many kinds of pain, it is a phenomenon that exists but defies our understanding.
No one starts life with the goal of becoming an addict.
It happens in dysfunctional families, but it also happens in families where there is no apparent dysfunction. Invariably, parents of an addict feel responsible, and much more so when there is an overdose.
Yet, with few exceptions, parents are well-intentioned, even if they did not practice ideal parenting techniques (whatever these may be). We try to do our best, but our best may not be what the child really needed, yet we had no way of knowing this.
Our culture preaches that everyone has a right to pursue happiness, but there are so many obstacles to achieving it. Youngsters who feel deprived of happiness, and who have the immaturity of youth may resort to chemicals in the hope of finding the elusive happiness.
When Nancy Reagan launched the program, “Just Say No to Drugs,” some researchers interviewed young people for their reactions. One 14 year old girl said, “Why? What else is there?”
This is an indictment of a culture that has failed to teach youngsters that there is more to life than getting high.
We may try to place blame for an O.D. death, but there is really no one to blame, not the addict and not the family.
Guilt can be constructive when one has committed a wrong, because it encourages a person to make amends and set things right.
When guilt cannot serve this purpose, it is a destructive feeling. As limited as logic is, one should realize that beyond making amends and avoiding hurtful behavior, there is nothing to be gained by wallowing in guilt.
Anger, too, can be constructive if we are angry at wrongdoing and injustice, because such anger may motivate us to try and prevent injustice to the extent we can.
But when anger cannot be productive, it is foolish to harbor it.
The wise King Solomon said, “Anger rests in the bosom of a fool” (Ecclesiastes 7:9).
You may not be able to avoid feeling angry, but there is nothing to gain by hanging on to it.
There is very little one can say to comfort those who grieve an O.D.
Perhaps all one can say is that acceptance does not mean approval. Accept the pain, because there is no choice.
Do what you can to make today and tomorrow better for yourself and others.
Stop trying to make yesterday better. It can’t be done.
Copyright © Rabbi Abraham J. Twerski. All Rights Reserved.
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"Boy, 13, Ill From Synthetic Marijuana Dies PITTSBURGH -- A western Pennsylvania boy who became ill after smoking synthetic marijuana (spice) and had a double lung transplant has died. A 13-year-old, died Thursday morning at Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh at UPMC. The boy smoked the fake marijuana out of a plastic PEZ candy dispenser and suffered chemical burns to both lungs as a result. He was put on a respirator in June and had a double-lung transplant in September. Gov. Tom Corbett signed a law outlawing such substances a few days after the boy smoked the substances. The ban took effect in August" WPXI TV Thank you Gov. Corbett for enacting this law. This family will NEVER be the same. Parents, if you are struggling with a teen abusing substances or even suspect it, come to the next PSST meeting 11/5/11. You will find help and support from a team of professionals and seasoned parents. You won't regret it!
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