Wow, how difficult this life of parenting an addict can be sometimes – and how differently the difficulty can arise. Just when you think you are managing – something knocks you down and you must struggle mightily to get back up.
Today my child told me – again – that she can’t believe that I am doing this to her.
She’s thought and thought about this, and she can’t imagine doing such a thing to her child. She doesn’t know how, as a parent, I can live with myself, imposing these legal problems on her. She cannot even think about these legal issues – or talk to anyone about it – because it increases her anxiety so much.
She has come so far, and is not using now. In fact, it is only when she thinks about what I have done to her with these juvenile charges that she thinks about using. And this is clearly my fault. She is setting me up for the responsibility if she uses – and causing me to think about the next time she uses right now. And if she disappears from my life – which she plans on doing as soon as she can – well, it is my fault too. And she hopes I have a good life without her in it. Because she won’t be!
And to the extent that I hope we can work together to resolve our differences – I can forget about that – it simply is never going to happen!
I try to live and to keep my life manageable – one day at a time – but today – after this conversation – my life doesn’t feel manageable at all. And all I can think of is the future – and the past. About how many mistakes I’ve made, and about what I should have done, how strong I should have been, what I should have said – and how that would have made today different.
I know that looking back – what I should have done and shouldn’t have done – will get me nowhere.
And I know that looking forward – what life will be like, whether she will use, whether we will ever be a family again– will get me nowhere either.
But what I know can’t stop the spinning in my head. What I know does not take away the immediate feelings of despair.
I am grateful that I have my fellow PSST parents, and the probation staff and counselors to support me, and I know I will get beyond today’s feelings. But, oh, how difficult this life can be sometimes!
A Mother's Pain - by Joan, a PSST Mom
Posted by:Jenn--Thursday, June 23, 2011
Where’s Wendell’s / Wendy’s Stuff?
Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, June 23, 2011
Where’s Wendell’s / Wendy’s Stuff?
DON'T FORGET TO CHECK BACK FOR NEW PLACES POSTED BY PARENTS
When our kids were growing up we had fun reading the “Where’s Waldo” books. You probably did too. Well, we are going to put together a collection here but in true PSST fashion we will use the pseudonyms of Wendell/Wendy for our friend Waldo.
Finding Waldo must have helped them develop some of their cognitive skills. One of the more common things I hear from parents of teenage users is “Our kids are so clever at concealing their supplies and their paraphernalia. If they could put their ingenuity and knowledge to good use they could be very successful at whatever they wanted to do.”
I remember two such moments.
- The first was in the fireplace clean-out box. I found a bong stashed there for safe keeping [I wondered if he even remembered that he stashed it there].
- The second was a more eye-opening experience. In one of his more clear thinking and honest moments our son pulled his boxing gloves off of the hook in his room. He reached inside and pulled out a pipe. He handed it to his mom telling her “I knew you guys would never look in here.” This was after we had turned over his room looking for stuff.
HERE ARE A FEW OTHER PLACES POSTED BY PARENTS
- Under the trash liners (I keep extra in there) in the garbage can in his room.
In between the cushions and the arm of the couch or chair. In any pillow or part of a couch with a zipper.
Violet
- Beaver had a VCR in his room and the clever lad took the side off of it, and hid things in there. I only found this after he had been in rehab and I wanted to find the things I had missed in the first 30 go arounds.
He also hid his stash inside his piggy bank. Very clever because when you'd shake the bank it would still jingle.
Our last name isn't "Cle(a)ver" for nothing!
June
- You are so right about if our kids would ever put their know-how to good use. My daughter's hiding places were in a hole in the wall covered with a poster, inside a smoke detector and in a box of Tampons
Nar-Anon Mom
- [this is a short version - see Wilma's complete comment below]
Here is what I've found: Weed in an empty marshmallow bag in a hassock in his room, weed in a baggie in cargo shorts pocket in the laundry basket, baggies with weed residue in a cup on his computer desk.
Found on the floor under his bed, tobacco from cigars in empty video game cases and empty (Why didn't he throw it away? Who knows. I would never have found this or known he was getting high from this.) sleeve of Coricidin cough and cold in a watch case.
Also, a Texas Hold'em tin that had the SMELL that weed had been in there at some time. A clay pipe was hidden under a hat on his computer desk. His dad busted him making a home-made bong. Bam said it was a whistle and unfortunately Fred believed him. [Of course he would - this is a Classic Case of Parental Enabling]
Wilma
Other parents have reported finding stuff:
- taped to the inside of dresser tops or taped to the bottoms / backs of drawers
- taped to the bottoms of beds and inside mattresses / box springs
- inside musical instruments and their carrying cases
- inside VHS/CD/DVD cases
- taped to the top of a door
- One of the most mentioned hiding places is in their shoes [look inside of the sole or the tongue]. We also understand that you can buy shoes with compartments already in them.
Of course you can go onto the internet and find a whole lot of information on these and other hiding places but what we are looking for here is for you to tell us the clever places [or sometimes not so clever places] your teen has hidden their stuff..
Please respond in the comment section below or send your response to sallyservives@gmail.com
Below are some examples from the fine upstanding responsible "friends" on the internet:
Here is one from our "friends" at Wiki-How called “How to Hide Stuff in Your Shoes”
“Shoes aren't high on the list of places people look for hidden stuff, so hiding things in your shoes can keep them safe. These instructions will work whether you're wearing the shoes or if they are an old pair of shoes that you are just keeping.”
Here is another example from more of our "friends" at Yahoo Answers:
“...if your bed is in the corner against the wall hide it in that corner since most parents look around while your asleep they don't want to wake you up. also try hiding it in a jacket in your closet since it’s not cold anymore use that jacket in the back of the closet an hide your stuff in the inside pockets. DON'T hide it underneath your mattress or your drawers! Also if is a small item try out your shoes....that's another good place. Now the last place and trust me its the best place..well 2nd best place its in the walls...in your closet on top towards the door cut out the sheet rock and use the frame of the door as the floor to your hiding spot. make sure you clean up the mess if you decide to cut out the wall. THE BEST PLACE also is in the air condition vent! keep a screw driver in handy an don't forget its up there when your parents decide to clean the air ducts"
Here is another example from even more of our "friends" at YouTube titled “4 of My Greatest Stash Spots”
The video suggest using cameras, using speakers [all electronic equipment is good], using cases for i-pods [or any plastic case] noting that odors will not get out and here is a good one, that I admit that I would not of thought of, hide stuff in the hollow tube that supports your bicycle seat.
[Editor's Note: Don't you wish that these "friends" that run these sites would come out from hiding under their rocks in their cyber-world and explain, in person, what type of public service they think they are really providing?]
Here are a few more [unedited] suggestions from other web sites written by some actual ‘Subject Matter Experts':
- … behind my coin holder on my dash. Its broken so you can just pull the whole thing out and behind it is a perfect spot for my pipe. The cops would never look their (not that I would know about cops searching your car) but I dont know if a K-9 drug dog could find it. That hasn't happened yet.
- …in various appliances and objects. I have a really old tv in my room that I can take the back off of, and in the space I can fit my pipe, bag, and lighter. I stopped using that because it became a hassle to unscrew it every time I wanted to smoke. I've also hidden bags in flashlights with no batteries in them... just make sure your parents won't ever try putting batteries in it. Another good thing to do is tape your bag to the top of your fan if you have one if you don't use it too much.
- … personally, Like battery compartments on boom-box's.
- … i stash it at the back of this ally under this 1 huge weed patch... another grat place is in an old coat pocket in your closet that you like never wear.
DID WE MISS ANY HIDING SPOTS? LET US KNOW.
An N.A. Anecdote - Donated by Ralph
Posted by:Sally--Monday, June 20, 2011
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He descended a bit more and shouted to a man on the ground, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man on the ground below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and about 80 degrees West longitude."
"You must be a sponsor," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me, I believe, is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've probably delayed my trip."
"Well," said the man on the ground, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect other people to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
- anonymous NA member
My Date with the Drug Detection Dog - Wilma, a PSST Mom
Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, June 16, 2011
My Date with the Drug Detection Dog
As I have posted on the blog my (newly) 17 year old son, Bam Bam, is in an adolescent inpatient recovery facility. A few weeks ago we found out that he would probably be getting a home pass. Bam Bam was REALLY anxious for this to happen.
I wasn't sure if this was because he missed being at home, missed his dog, (us??) and all that was familiar to him - OR - did it mean that he had some hidden stash he didn't want me to find.
I decided that before he was back in the house again I needed to know.
My local police department does not have a drug sniffing dog [When I called them, the dispatcher said I was the first person to ever ask her about drug sniffing dog and thought it was a good idea.]
So I called the Allegheny County Police who told me they only had an explosives dog. The officer who answered my call sounded a little suspicious when I asked about the drug detection dog but relaxed when I told him what I needed it for.
I tried the sheriff's department but got stuck in the "punch 1, punch 2", you get the drift and never got to talk to a person.
I mentioned this at a PSST meeting and Deputy Jessica (aka DJ Jess) gave me the number for "Scent-Tech" Detection Canines. I called them and got an appointment for the day after Memorial Day.
When I called for the appointment I was asked if I wanted a marked or an unmarked car. I chose the unmarked car as I have an extremely annoying neighbor and wanted this visit under the radar in case the nebby neighbor was home. Two men accompanied the adorable black lab who would be searching for controlled substances in my home. I had a couple of tins that had suspicous smells I had found on my search of Bam's room and one of the men confirmed they smelled like weed had been in them at one time.
The search started with my son's room and that is where the team spent the most time. They moved on to the rest of the house and also searched outside.
They didn't find a hidden stash.
I had mixed feelings about this. One part of me was hoping they would find a nice size stash that I could add to my evidence locker. While another part of me was so relieved that there were no drugs hidden in some corner of my house that I never would have found but Bam Bam would have taken out of hiding at the first opportunity.
The owner told me they usually do searches of facilities and I think I may have been their first parent to call for checking the house before a child comes home from inpatient recovery.
For anybody interested the cost was $150 and well worth it.
I wondered if I should of had the marked vehicle come and drive around the neighborhood like an ice cream truck (and maybe paid extra to cruise past a certain house!) if it would made any of the teens a little nervous! Might have given some parents something to think about, too.
Scent-Tech Detection Canines can be reached at 724-203-9226.
Scent-Tech, Inc. works with Labradors as Bomb, Weapon and Narcotic Detection Dogs, and currently has 8 active detection dogs, working in this field
Wilma
Preparing to Launch Bam-Bam - by Wilma, a PSST Mom
Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, June 16, 2011
"I have seen the future, and it's very much like the present, only longer" ~ Woody Allen
Preparing to Launch...
...5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - Wait, I am not comfortable with that!
I apologize in advance if I start to ramble...
We found out yesterday that Bam Bam is most likely going to be discharged from Bedrock Manor in a couple of weeks. And this is prior to his ACT 53 hearing. Apparently, this is how it can be. I haven't called the ACT 53 coordinator yet to discuss this latest development even though I know he can't stay there forever.
I was devastated. I was hoping for at least 90 days. His counselor feels he has made so much progress and that if nothing negative happens she is recommending discharge to home before 4th of July. I said I didn't feel comfortable with him coming home yet. Fred (continuing to hone his enabling skills) agrees with whatever the facility recommendations are and won't argue with them. She asked where I thought he could go so I mentioned a half-way house, Glade Run, self-referral to Outside-In,(anywhere but here)! I'm open to suggestions.
Unfortunately we don't have any relatives that would be able to take him for a month or so. She didn't think Outside-In was an appropriate place as he would be just finishing the program at Bedrock Manor, the 1/2 way house was a possibility and she wasn't sold on Glade Run. Our HSAO service coordinator was also at this meeting and she will help also with the next step. The counselor's recommendation is that Bam Bam come home, we will have a written plan with the rules, referral to SHORES for D&A and possibly re-open MST.
I said that I Would Not go back to the way things were BEFORE.
Several times when I mentioned certain things the counselor would say that that was before and now we are going forward. We all have to compromise. I said what about property damage and she agreed that is not acceptable.
I brought up that when there is a disagreement Bam Bam doesn't go to his own room to cool off he stalks me through the house and usually punches something (though so far it hasn't been me).
Well then we can call for crisis team (they make it all sound so simple, don't they. I told her that we've tried that and it didn't work but she repeats, once more, that that was BEFORE. And so it went.
All I can think of is I will again be locking my bedroom door everyday, sleeping with my purse, not carrying money. Bam Bam will not be allowed to be home alone and I'll have to take a harder look at possible valuables that I don't want to disappear. I may need a bigger safe. At least I've had the drug dog to check for any hidden drug stashes.
Fred and I are not on the same page with everything and Bam Bam works this. Also, Fred is retired and he is the one who is home during the day and will be responsible for implementing the home program and supervision. He thought we were too hard the first time around when Bam Bam came home so this time I think he is going to be all for less restrictive measures.
And this arrangement didn't work too well BEFORE.
Prior to the meeting the facility nurse stopped me to tell me that Bam Bam's medication was changed yet again yesterday. Bam Bam is constantly complaining that his ADHD medication isn't working, he complained about the Prozac so he started a new med yesterday and was already complaining about it.
How can he be sent home if his medication isn't even stabilized???
Medications and dosages have been changed at least as many times as weeks he has been in placement. A week hasn't gone by that he hasn't seen the doctor at least once sometimes more for some ailment or other.
I'm sure he isn't the only kid that does this however this is his behavior at home and it apparently hasn't changed. Is it another manipulation??
We are assured that all aftercare appointments will be made before discharge. This has to happen because in our life BEFORE when Bam Bam was discharged from the psych hospital in December 2010 the hospital had not made a single aftercare appointment so we went home with nothing. There were no smiling faces then.
Now its time for the family programming.
There are two male speakers and we have a full house. At this meeting some kids were there even though their parents weren't. The two speakers are recovering addicts and they shared their stories with us. I couldn't stop crying.
The second speaker said that when he was in about 8th grade he felt he was on a balance beam and his "good friends" were on one side and the "using friends" on the other and he was balancing between the two groups. Unfortunately, he fell into the "using friends" group and now is on probation until 2014 and has been through many programs. He is clean and very grateful that he is alive. He added that he had many friends who are not alive due to their drug use.
I'm hoping the kids took something away from these stories especially my kid. I liked the balance beam analogy as this is where Bam Bam was after 9th grade and he of course went with the using "friends", his best "friends" now.
I know for now he is clean, however, he thinks he can hang out with the same people and not use even if they are. He thinks these "friends" won't pressure him to use again.
We had talked about one friend in particular who I know is selling drugs out of his house and the counselor suggested that "Eddie" would have to come and talk to us in person and prove himself. Right now there is now way in he!!??& that I want Bam Bam to be around this kid. We had forbidden him to see this kid BEFORE but of course we busted him hanging out with this kid anyway.
So what is the point?
I can't monitor him 24/7 and once he gets freedom back I know he is headed straight to Eddie. I would be VERY surprised if he gives this kid up at least right now.
Also, at family programming a couple of weeks ago when we were talking about driving Bam Bam tells me that most of his friends drive better when they are high! And I'm supposed to feel comfortable about him being out with them? I'm supposed to let him learn to drive?
Well, maybe he can learn to drive but once he gets his license he will have to get his own car and his own insurance. Could be he'll be driving when he's 18.
We had a discussion several months ago where I told Bam Bam that he couldn't get his permit as long as he had a positive drug screen and he told me this wasn't fair.
Just because its positive doesn't mean he JUST smoked for goodness sake!
Don't I know it doesn't matter if you test positive if you get caught by the police if you weren't actually smoking right then?
I truly believe just being in our community, at least right now, is the biggest trigger of all. He is going to have to get a job but I don't think that's likely to happen immediately. The one place that would have his "in" job is the store where he was caught shoplifting - so that is off the table.
Anyway, thanks for letting me get this off my chest.
Wilma
