Once upon a time there was a group of teens who hung out together, smoked dope together and generally enjoyed each other’s company. They would teach each other the ins and outs of drug dealing and swore loyalty to each other to defend themselves against others engaging in the same lifestyle. One place they liked to hang out at was Miss Betty Boop’s apartment. Now Miss Betty was a bit older, used and dealt a little but generally got her money through being a sex worker. Her little kids were a sorry sight who often had little food in their bellies. The teens felt bad for the little kids and would give them whatever they had to eat and sometimes would take them to a nearby park and push them on the swings.
One day, Miss Betty was distraught because some man up the street had ripped her off in a drug deal. She goaded the teens to do something to help her get her money back.
Well being young men, full of themselves and with their minds buzzed from the weed they were smoking, they had sympathy for her plight and listened to her goading them into doing something to that bast*rd. One young man had access to guns so he went and got them, and for safety’s sake, they discussed that he probably needed some ‘deputies’ to accompany him to get the money back from this man up the street. They figured they could do this a little later when they were just a little bit more stoned, since as chivalrous as they were, they still had just the little bit of a nagging thought that somehow this was not a video game.
Just then one of the young men got a phone call from his mom telling him to come home, his newborn baby niece had just arrived for a visit and didn’t he want to see her? The boys all knew that that mom was crazy and would show up at each of their houses till she found him to drag him home if he didn’t leave right away. So with high fives and the standard goodbye of the group “be safe” infused with more feeling than he had ever meant it in the past, he went home.
Later that evening, shots were heard in the neighborhood. Something went wrong terribly wrong with the boys’ mission. The man met them with his own gun. At the end of the brief encounter the man was injured, one teen lay shot in the back and the other two teens were on the run, dazed and confused over how something that seemed so straightforward, could not have gone as planned.
The injured teen died in the hospital. The man was treated by the judicial system as a robbery victim without consideration that he too had done plenty of robbing and destruction of others’ lives. The two other young men were caught, thrown into the adult system (age does not matter with some crimes) and were pitted against each other so they would rat on each other. Well the younger of the two was the more impulsive and unpredictable of them. No one would be surprised if he didn’t have at least ADHD if not some other mental health conditions, but no matter, he got life for the death of his friend. The older young man has a few years of time to do, but will come back to a community that knows he sold out his friend to save himself.
The family of the dead teen does not feel justice has been done, they were just glad the courtroom fiasco was finally over. Nothing can bring their boy back and there is no joy in knowing their neighbor’s boy has been locked up for life.
But what about that boy who went to see the new baby? This story is a lot for him to think about. He could have played any of the roles in this tragic tale, if not for a crazy mom who never was off his back. Now as he sits in a residential D&A rehab program, he has to make up his mind about what to do with his life and how he is going to handle the complex community dynamics that resulted in the destruction of the lives of his friends and their families and that continue to ripple throughout the whole community. Like a stone thrown into the water, the waves from that day continue to keep the water’s surface unclear. What will he decide to do in that pond? Will he focus on his life or will he allow himself to get entangled into the chaotic lives of others in the community again? Fortunately where he is now, he has plenty of time to think, and professional help with the thinking process. Crazy mom is grateful indeed.
(Photographer: Simon Howden)
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A Harsh Tale ~ Written Anonymously
Posted by:Sally--Monday, April 25, 2011
Reflections on Addiction by Wilma
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, April 21, 2011
This hasn't been the best week for our family so I'm feeling a little down.
I watched an episode of "Army Wives" tonight and there were two quotes from the show that I wanted to share as I've been feeling them both this week. Other parents may have felt this way at one time or another.
The first was a father talking to one of the soldiers in the show about his son who died in combat. He said: "I won't pretend that he was the son I wanted
The first was a father talking to one of the soldiers in the show about his son who died in combat. He said: "I won't pretend that he was the son I wanted
but now that he's gone I'd give my life to have him back."
My son isn't "gone" physically but he's not the son I used to have before drugs and alcohol. That son is gone and I don't know if he will ever be back. I miss the son I could talk to without wondering if a lamp will be flying through the air or punching a hole in a door because he's upset or walking on eggshells and avoiding him so that there is a little peace and quiet in the house. I know we can't turn back the clock but the other day I saw a mom walking with her toddler and started crying in the car wishing for those days back. I miss those days of closeness with my son when we were innocent of this new life we have of drug addiction. Today I would give my life to have his back.
The other quote was Roxy talking to her alcoholic mother " you're my mother (for us - son, daughter, child) I could never not love you but I can't have you in my life anymore, I can't."
I hate that I feel this way but for today that is how I feel. I'm hoping it goes away, things change, but right now I can't live like this anymore.
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My son isn't "gone" physically but he's not the son I used to have before drugs and alcohol. That son is gone and I don't know if he will ever be back. I miss the son I could talk to without wondering if a lamp will be flying through the air or punching a hole in a door because he's upset or walking on eggshells and avoiding him so that there is a little peace and quiet in the house. I know we can't turn back the clock but the other day I saw a mom walking with her toddler and started crying in the car wishing for those days back. I miss those days of closeness with my son when we were innocent of this new life we have of drug addiction. Today I would give my life to have his back.
The other quote was Roxy talking to her alcoholic mother " you're my mother (for us - son, daughter, child) I could never not love you but I can't have you in my life anymore, I can't."
I hate that I feel this way but for today that is how I feel. I'm hoping it goes away, things change, but right now I can't live like this anymore.
Wilma, A PSST Mom Talks About 'Pharm' Parties
Posted by:Sally--Thursday, April 21, 2011
We talked a little about prescription drugs and our kids at the last PSST meeting. Last week I read an article in Readers Digest December 2010-January 2011 entitled Little.Legal.Lethal. about kids taking lethal combinations of prescription drugs and alcohol and how they think its safe since the drugs are legal. A small town had three deaths in the space of a couple of days and it was kids combining stuff like methadon, klonopin washed down with beer and dying.
Prior to reading this article I had heard about kids having "pharm" parties where the kids bring anything they can find from the family medicine cabinet, toss it all together and take random pills swallowed down with alchol. Very scary behavior. After learning about this practice we started locking up all of our prescription and non-prescription medicines. When my son was in 7th grade and there were alcohol incidents with a couple of his friends we started locking up any alcohol in the house. Those are steps we took but I know not all parents take those steps. Just recently our son was at the house of one his best friends (where we have told him he wasn't allowed to be), we got him out of there, and a couple days later text messages back and forth with him and friend told the story that the plan was to drink at that house that night. The dad was clueless (maybe) about who was at the house at the time. Anyway, I though other parents would be interested in the Readers Digest Article.
Thanks.
Wilma
We appreciate this information that Wilma, our astute PSST mom found. She sent us the following link titled: The Killers in Your Medicine Cabinet. Just click on Killers to go to the link.
Farewell and Good Luck to Lloyd's Intern ~ Rebecca
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, April 19, 2011
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| ~ Thank you ~ As I finish my internship with juvenile probation, I want to say how much I appreciate everything I have learned from Lloyd, Kathie, Val and all the parents of PSST. Initially a little unsure of how a social work internship with juvenile probation would work, I am now convinced it is the best choice I could have made. Working with Lloyd and Kathie, I have seen innovative approaches to working with a tough population in need of both intensive and compassionate services – teenage addicts and their families involved with the juvenile justice system in Allegheny County. I discovered a hopeful place where parents meet to hone the skills that help them take back the power balance in their families, and ultimately work to help their children learn to save their own lives. I saw the potential for our teenage clients to turn their lives around, and also the tragic consequences that the destructive disease of addiction can have on people’s lives. This year I felt privileged to be part of a team that is dedicated to preserving and restoring the lives of troubled adolescents and their families. I worked closely with two exceptional people who have changed the way I see my work and my career. I knew from previous experience that Lloyd was an unusual and talented probation officer. Seeing his deep passion for his work, and his commitment to his clients, and his endless creativity, I can see why his colleagues, clients, and families respect him so much. Lloyd has mastered the art of communicating with and respect for the idiosyncrasies of the teenage addict’s mind. He is the “teenage whisperer.” Kathie’s work with her clients, and her hope for change is never ending and my respect for her drive and determination to never to give up on a young life is immense. I also want to thank all the parents who I have met at PSST. The way you face daily challenges head on, with humor, grit and tenacity, is inspiring. I will take with me a much deeper understanding of the issues families face as they struggle to cope with children with addictions, but also of the hope that can be found in the shared support of parents gathered at PSST meetings. To everyone, Lloyd, Kathie, Val, Jocelyn and Justin, the parents from PSST and the young men and women on probation who struggle daily to fight their addictions, for your generosity in sharing knowledge and your experiences with me, thank you. Rebecca |
You can't outrun teenagers.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, April 10, 2011
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| What's this have to do with it? |
Stop running first of all, unless you can make it safely to a room with a good lock where you can get a few breaths. Turn, face your teen and make a very big agreement...
Mom: It doesn't matter what I do you're NOT going to let this drop. [Using strong body language but keeping safety** in mind also]
Teen: No, you lied about this.
Mom: Yes, I'm the evil witch of the west and as soon as you've had your say, I'm going for my broom and I'm getting the heck out of here for a while.
Teen: Will you be serious??!!!
Mom: I'll try- go ahead have your say.
Teen: What?
Mom: Obviously, I can't outrun you can I?
Teen: I want to go out and I need money. You promised to give me some money and I need it today.
Mom: No. Not going to happen today.
Teen: You promised.
Mom: Nevertheless.
Teen: You are a bitch.
Mom: OK OK this is going on long enough I think. Tell you what.
Teen: What
Mom: [continuing with very strong body language," taking an inch" of her teenagers' personal space and keeping safety** in mind] why don't you tell me exactly what you think of me, and don't hold back this time, OK?
Teen: I just did [glaring].
Mom: OK, well I want to give you the last word, OK?
Teen: You're standing too close to me!
Mom: You're right this is too close! [Not backing up] and this meeting has gone on way too long!
Teen: Well, back off!
Mom: You're right, I need to back off, I'm getting entirely too fired up- now why don't you just tell me what you think of me, get if off your chest, no more holding back, and then have your last word about this money thing and this not leaving the house thing because you are grounded Mister. Now go ahead, I'll shut up and I'll back off, to what, how's this is this good distance for you?
Teen: Yeah.
Mom: Go ahead, have your say.
Teen: What, why are you doing this?
Mom: Obviously, I can't outrun you and you follow me around not letting this thing drop so you have apparently more things you need to say- so lets have out with it and be done with it now.
Teen: You said I could have money and I could go out. I already told you Robert doesn't get high anymore. You're not listening to me I told you all this.
Mom: OK, you're absolutely right, you know what's going on here?
Teen: What?
Mom: You are doing a good job of being crystal clear with me about how you see things. You think I'm a liar and apparently since I refuse to give you money today that I was going to give you, you think I'm a thief of sorts too I suppose.
Teen: Sorta yeah.
Mom: Well, I'm not doing as good a job AS YOU ARE of being crystal clear. Very good. Let me try to do better, OK?
Teen: What?
Mom: I...am...not...giving...you...any...money...today. I've...changed...my...mind. I...know...you...don't...agree...with...my...reasons. Never-the-less...you...are...grounded...until...further...notice. Now...is...there...any...part...of...that...that...is...still...muddy...or...unclear?
Teen: No
Mom: The fact that you think me a liar, thief, and a bitch does not change the fact that I've changed my mind. Is that clear?
Teen: [glares]
Mom: Just for the record, any time I'm NOT comfortable with your plans I will change my mind.
Teen: Just yesterday, you said you were starting to trust me!
Mom: Yes, and that was true yesterday.
Teen: So, that was a lie?
Mom: No, but you want to believe I'm a liar, so go ahead and believe what you like. You don't want to understand my reasons, we already had this discussion. It's too complicated apparently. We'll talk about it when you've calmed down.
Teen: I've calmed down.
Mom: You have?
Teen: Yes.
Mom: So if I tell you why again, you won't argue, debate, and stalk me through the house until you badger me into changing my mind back?
Teen: Yes.
Mom: Yes what?
Teen: Yes, I won't follow you around anymore.
Mom:And you won't debate?
Teen: I'll try.
Mom: Good, THANK YOU! I'm not comfortable with you hanging out with Robert again.
Teen: But he's clean I told you!
Mom: You're debating.
Teen: OK OK, I won't go out with Robert can I still go out and have the money?
Mom: Absolutely not.
Teen: Why not?
Mom: I'm sorry, but for one thing I don't give money and privileges to young men who call me bitch, liar, thief and follow me around the house arguing when I clearly wanted to end the conversation. No, I'm afraid that I'm just NOT comfortable with THAT. But you know, you have surprised me today.
Teen: How? [still glaring].
Mom: You're usually the one who wants these meetings to end. But today I'm trying to end it and you just seem like you want to chat all day!
Teen: Up yours! [walks away].
Mom: [thinks: if I move quick I can make it too my broom stick and get the heck out of here!]
**Keeping safety in mind means that if you've been hurt by your teenager or if you have reason to believe that "taking an inch" of their space will lead to violence,then don't do that particular thing; however, it is still strongly recommended that you don't give any space to your teenager by backing up when you're doing this. That would show fear and showing fear can also incite teenagers to violence. Be safe. If you believe that you are not safe in your own home talk to someone about a Safety Plan and see if there are changes that you can make to increase your safety. For example, you might invite a local police to your home to inform your teenager about how easy it is to file assault charges and what the filing of those charges would mean. Always remember that calling 911 and telling dispatch operator that you need an "officer to keep the peace" is a good way to increase your safety in your home. If your teenager believes that you will make that call, then he may be reluctant to start violence.
As pointed out in comments by Anonymous more information about safety can be read at When Teenagers Harrass Parents.
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