This is a two-part post. You might want to read part 1 first.
4. Don't rely on your teenager's therapist for all your support:
This a very stressful job: parenting a teenager who is beginning or perhaps well on his way to having a drug problem. You will be faced with expert manipulation. You need all the support that you can get. Allow that your teenager's therapist is one important slice of the pie of support that you need. Next, make sure that you are in a good support group and that you get to know some other parents who have similar struggles. There you will find the big slice of the pie.
Next, use family members, private therapists, school counselors, clergy and Probation Officers. Have a list of emergency phone numbers and use that list when you are feeling down. It doesn't have to be a true emergency- just a bad-day-I-feel-horrible emergency. Likewise, be there for other parents because you will find that when you "give it away-you keep it." (12-step saying). You may want to work a 12-step program and find support there. In the end, your teenager's therapist is only one source of hope and strength; therefore, if you receive what you interpret to be criticism from your teenager's therapist it doesn't tend to be as overwhelming.
5. Try some of what your teenager's therapist is advising, but try it on your terms:For example, we hear this one a lot:
Teen: Carol says you have to work your own program!
What's going on here? It must be important because we hear it often. It usually is accompanied by:
Teen: You need to back off and let me work my own program.
If we hear it all the time, let's take a closer look. Parents have had a teenager who has been out of control, using drugs, have had their emotional apple cart upset for the whole family. Once things are stabilized and the teen is more or less abstinent or even serious about recovery, the parent finally has the luxury of dealing with some of the feelings that have been on the back burner. It's been compared to Post traumatic Stress Syndrome that people who have been victimized or perhaps been to war. Later, when they are in a safer spot, they have all these issues. Additionally, parents are naturally fearful of a return to horrible way things used to be. The combination can cause overreactive parenting. Take a deep breath. Everything is not an emergency and micro-managing a teen in every regard, can sometimes make things worse.
Does that sound like a contradiction? I think it does sound like one because if you have ever been to a PSST meeting, you will know that we are "Ball Control" people. We believe that good tight parental supervision is one of the main ingredients to helping your teenager make good decisions. We recommend that if you don't trust that your teenager is going where he says he is going, doing what he says he will do, and spending time with approved peers, etc., then keep him home. That is micro-managing; however it is all done with an eye towards safety from drugs and alcohol. In other areas, you can back off and let your teenager make mistakes.
For example, does your teen want a GED instead of a High School Diploma? You may feel strongly that he needs a High School Diploma. This is one place where you can back off and let your teen make mistakes, if indeed that is a mistake because it certainly is not one for everyone. Education is important but it is an area where you can let your teen make a decision provided that he is really going to pursue his GED, pass it, and go onto some other sort of post-high school educating. Probably there is no loss in this for your teen but their may be big loss in it for you as a parent. Where's your day to see your teen walk the stage? Still, if you micro-manage this one, which has little or nothing to do with drugs then it may be counter-productive and cause resentment. There has to be some area where your teen can make big decisions about his own life.
For example, does your teen want to date someone that you disapprove of? Perhaps the reason that you disapprove has nothing at all to do with alcohol or drug abuse. OK, this might be a good time to not give advice. Let him make his own mistake. Rule of thumb: If it has to do with drugs and alcohol- keep good tight parental supervision. If it has to do with anything else- back off and let your teen make his own mind up and learn from his mistakes and from his successes.
Teen: I broke up with Chelsey.
Mom: You did! But I thought she was the best thing to happen to you? She is so sweet!
Teen: I knew you'd say that. I expected you to jump me over this, but it's my life.
[Pause]
Mom: You know, you're right Bill. You know me so well; you knew I would be disappointed, didn't you?
Teen: Yep. I know how you are.
Mom: Well, I'm taking Carol's advise on this one.
Teen: What do you mean?
Mom: Your therapist told me I need to back off. It's your life isn't it?
Teen: Yep.
Mom: And if you need advise I'm sure you can talk this over with your sponsor or with your friends. Because I like Chelsey, I wouldn't even be a good person to discuss this with.
Teen: Right.
Mom: Well, honey I'm sure you're making the best decision for you right now and I know you'll make the right decision in the end. If that relationship isn't right for you then get out.
Teen: I'm just surprised that you said that.
Mom: What did you expect me to say?
Teen: Oh the usual- that I'm a quitter and that I really need to stick with it if I'm going to give it a chance. I'm just surprised that you didn't say all that.
Mom: Yes me too. But you know all that stuff I was going to say about how if you only treated her better, blah blah blah- who needs to hear all that crap! I think your doing fine.
Scenario 2:
Teen: Mom, I'm going to drop out of school- I want to get my GED.
Mom: You're kidding!
Teen: Nope.
Mom: You know that a High School Diploma is better?
Teen: See, I knew you'd jump me over this.
Mom: You did?
Teen: Yep
Mom: So, you anticipated heavy disapproval from me, huh?
Teen: Of course.
Mom: Have you thought this though?
Teen: Yep.
Mom: Have you discussed this with anyone?
Teen: Yep.
Mom: Who?
Teen: My counselor, my sponsor, my Probation Officer and my friends.
Mom: OK, good. I'm glad you thought it through.
Teen: What?
Mom: I'm glad you have given this some thought.
Teen: Really?
Mom: Yes. It's a tough decision and I just want to know that you have thought it though. How will you get the GED?
Teen: I am signed up for night classes at the GED prep center. They will pretest me and when they think I'm ready I'll take it.
Mom: Good. And after GED?
Teen: I want to go to Not High VO-Tech. They have a great Electrician Career program and later I hope to get into a Union.
Mom: OK, I see you have really studied up on this.
Teen: Yep.
Mom: Is there anything I can do to help?
Teen: Just don't ride me about it.
Mom: OK- you're right you don't need that.
Teen: Really?
Mom: Yep, I need to back off. You're therapist said so too the other day didn't she?
Teen: Yep.
Mom: Well, maybe she's right. I'm going to try that.
Teen: Who are you and where is my real mother?
[laughing]
Our teenagers are at a point where they require more independence. The presence of the drug and alcohol issues make it necessary to exert parental control, but when we see that they are making good decisions about drugs and alcohol, about who they associate with, about where they go etc., then we need to find windows of opportunity to back off and let them make their own mistakes. Let's trust that in the end our teens, if they stay off the juice, will make good decisions although they won't do it just like we want them to do it. That's OK. That's better than OK- that's helping our teenagers to grow up but grow up without substance abuse.
The thing to keep in mind is when you are able to take the therapist's advice, let your teen know you are doing that. That helps to take the wind out of your teenager's sail when he wants to drone on and on that you "never take Carol's advice." You can take Carol's Advice about many things. Some things won't feel right and you are not going to take any advice that you feel undermines your position of authority especially when you feel that your teen is in danger.
Still, remember that power works best when you don't actually use it. Once again, it sounds like a contradiction but it really isn't. We want to keep our kids off of drugs. When that's going well- back off. When that isn't looking to good, jump in with both feet and mix it up. If it doesn't have to do with drugs, back off. If he wants to go to a party where there will be drugs and alcohol, maybe that is not a good place to back off. If, on the other hand, he wants to spend 200 bucks of his own hard earned money on a frivolous cause then back off. Let him make some mistakes. Just don't let him hurt himself.
If you have had this kind of trouble, please leave a comment. If you are a professional reading this, you may have a different slant and please share that with us as well. Perhaps you have more to say on this subject then you care to write in a "comment." Then, by all means, send your post to sallyservives@gmail.com. or lloyd.woodward@alleghenycourts.us.
What to do when your teen beats you up with words from his therapist? Part II
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, August 25, 2010
What to do when your teen beats you up with words from his therapist? Part 1
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, August 25, 2010
1. Have a one-on-one chat with the therapist. It is not sufficient at this point in treatment, and by that I mean any point in treatment where you feel undermined, to just have a family session. There are things going on in your family session where the therapist is busy maintaining a rapport with your teenager (which is of great import) and therefore, may not be able to focus entirely on what you are saying. Therapists naturally look for compromises but what you need at this juncture is for the therapist to hear something like:
Mom: I like the strong relationship you have with Henry, but I have to tell you that I feel undermined.
Therapist: You do? Can you tell me more about that?
Mom: Well, you told Henry that I overreacted to the whole incident yesterday; now that's all I hear from him when I'm trying to confront him, "Even Carol says you overreact Mom! You know what Carol said, I've been working my program longer than you've been working yours! I've started step two and you haven't even started step one in your NARANON program. She said that you need to back off- I need to make mistakes- and you need to work your program and quit trying to work mine. If you would Just Listen To What Carol says Mom" and I want you to know that he yells that last part at me.
Therapist: I didn't know he was going on like that.
Mom: Oh yes, and now everything I say, to him, is just an "overreaction" and I find it difficult to continue to supervise him because, lets face it, you have Expert Status with our whole family. What you say to him is a close to what God might say (in his mind) so let me ask you, how do I compete with that?
Therapist: Well, it's time to back off and let's see how he does.
Mom: OK, look. I've had him in three inpatient programs, he used marijuana only two weeks ago after being released ten days from the third place. He is highly manipulative and I'm really not comfortable with the 'let's see how many mistakes he can make.' Frankly, I've been down that road once to often. I want to hold him accountable for the little mistakes, so that hopefully, I don't have to hold him accountable for the bigger ones.
2. Find something that the therapist says that you can believe in and let your teen (and his therapist) know that you have taken the therapist's advice. This is the old throw them all a bone approach. In other words, don't be oppositional and be against everything the therapist says. If there is nothing the therapist says that you can get behind, then maybe you have your teen in the wrong program. If she is telling you to work a 12-step program of recovery on your own, maybe you should consider doing exactly that. If she advises you to do more "self-care" type of things, hey that's always good advise for all of us. Let your teen know that indeed you are making recommended changes. Much of these changes do not undermine your parental authority and some of it strengthens your position as parent.
3. Don't get into a debate over what the therapist said. That is very tempting, especially when you know that your teen is quoting his therapist out of context or in some way misusing what was said. The temptation is to believe that if you can "fix" his thinking on that subject that he will fall into line. The problem here is the same as the problem with all debates with teens. You can't win. Period. Don't even try. And even if you did win the debate this one time, just imagine that you might not win the next one and by then a "precedent" will be set. Rather than debate, just say, something like:
Teen: And my therapist says that you need to back off and work your own program.
Mom: Yes, and she has told other parents that too. Nevertheless, I need to know when, with whom, and where you will be going tomorrow and we need it all written down so that I know your schedule. Do not deviate from your schedule except in a true emergency and if that happens, call me.
Teen: You're treating me like I'm 13! This is exactly what Carol told you not to do!
Mom: Yes, well regardless, I need to know when, with whom, and where you will be going tomorrow.
Teen: Why don't you just listen to Carol for once? [getting louder and sounding angry)
Mom: [leaning in and lowing her voice- talking slow- strong eye contact] You're right. Carol's wonderful and she is a good therapist for you. I'm glad you have her. I'm not doing it Carols' way right now. You can take that up with her tomorrow at Outpatient. Now, I need to know when, with whom, and where you will be going tomorrow and one of us needs to write it down.
If you have had this kind of trouble, please leave a comment. If you are a professional reading this, you may have a different slant and please share that with us as well. Perhaps you have more to say on this subject then you care to write in a "comment." Then, by all means, send your post to sallyservives@gmail.com. or lloyd.woodward@alleghenycourts.us.
Part-two of this post continues here.
Permission was granted to use the above graphic for one year from Mark Parisi
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Summary – PSST Meeting Augaust 21, 2010 Mt Lebanon
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, August 23, 2010
We had another good turnout at this week’s PSST meeting at OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES in Mt Lebanon.
Lloyd and Kathie led the meeting. We had 9 conscientious parents – 7 tenacious moms, 1 very determined mom/grandma and 1 concerned dad representing 8 families (Notice that we only had 1 dad – We'll talk more about that later).
Each of us had a chance to talk over our own issues and circumstances.
We listened, coached and encouraged each other on ways to take back the power in our homes and how to deal with our teens in various stages of their recovery.
We talked about our teens that are currently in an inpatient recovery program, how they are doing and where they can go when they complete the program. Some teens in recovery cannot return home directly. The people and places may be too strong of a trigger for them to relapse.
We had a mom’s thoughts on how her teen did on his first home pass from his inpatient program. It is good to have some chores and activities planned out for a home pass. It is best to have a clear understanding with your teen ahead of time as to what your expectations are (if possible put them into writing before they come home).
We had a mom whose son is just out of an inpatient program and was rethinking her decision to let her son "hang-out". Instead of being home at 10:00, as agreed, he phoned her at 10:00 to let her know that the ride he expected did not show up and he would find another way home. She now wants to know where he really was and to make sure that he understands that he needs to be home at the agreed time. He cannot wait until that time to start planning how he will get home.
Our teens don't seem to understand that we as parents are also going through a difficult recovery process with them and we have real “triggers” that set us off.
Not knowing where they are, not being home on time and twisting stories around are just a few of these triggers.
Each time we have one of these episodes our “Trust Factor” drops back to Start All Over Again.
We listened to parents of teens that have relapsed or turned to alcohol and how they handled the situation. A mom of a teen who used alcohol explained how she did not over-react. When her son asked her if she was mad or disappointed with him she surprised him by saying that she was not actually mad or disappointed. Instead she explained to that she would like to see him use the tools he has learned in rehab to move forward in his recovery.
This led to a discussion of using / not using the word “disappointment”.
In most cases it is okay to use “disappointment” to express a “What I am feeling” statement to your adolescent as opposed to confronting them with a “Man, did you ever screw up this time” accusation.
As an example let’s say that you left them a note to do the dishes and to take out the trash while you were out. When you return home you find the dirty dishes on the counter and the trash still in the can. Instead of browbeating with “I see you screwed up again!” try “Geeze, I am really disappointed that dishes and the trash are still here.” Assign a feeling to yourself as opposed to a indictment of them. It is really hard for them to give you an argument on how you feel.
And feel free to throw in an “I guess you won’t have time to go to the movies (watch your favorite show, get on the computer, visit your friend) tonight.”
And then for the grand finale try the “Do it now” approach (but only if you have the time to stay focused until they actually do whatever it is you need them to do). Even if your child can give you a good excuse (not likely) for not doing what you asked them to do, reply “I understand, never the less, let’s 'Do It Now'!” If they don’t react immediately repeat “Do It Now!” as many times as needed. For emphasis you can pull the plug on the TV, the DVD player, the computer or take away the phone followed by another “Do It Now!”
“Do It Now!” is one of the best PSST Power Phrases.
One of our moms gave us a new PSST Power Phrase - “We will talk about that later.”
This is a great way to keep a “discussion” with your child on track. If you are talking about their current issue or situation and they bring up a past issue, or otherwise switch the subject, try to remember “We will talk about that later" and continue with the original subject.
We also had a mom who had stood up in court and asked the judge to allow her son to come home. She felt that he had turned a corner in placement and had set some clear goals. The judge agreed to let him to come home on an electronic monitor to reconnect with his family and work toward his goals. Remember to always make sure that the judge or hearing officer clearly understands what you want for your child. They will generally work with you. When your son or daughter gets themselves into a closely supervised situation it can be a great opportunity to exercise the power position by exerting more authority. The more you do this the more routine it becomes for them and for you.
Another mom was concerned about her younger son. She has already experienced her older son’s recovery. While she has no proof that her younger teen is using she has red flags or triggers popping up. He is not doing well in school and doesn’t seem to care about anything but his music and his band. Choosing a career as a rock performer of course brings up visions of inordinate drug use. Whether this vision is real or perceived it is something that can give a parent a few sleepless nights. We talked about how some teens really do get into their music and want to try performing and have a hard time focusing on the “Real World”. What we can do is to remind them that they need to focus at least part time on reality while they are pursuing their dream of becoming a star. And if possible go and watch a few of their performances (wear earplugs if necessary). While you may not enjoy the music you may enjoy the fact that others enjoy your teen’s performance.
Our children will rarely pick the same goals, careers, life’s partner or life’s path that we would choose for them. As long as they are clean and sober and not harming themselves or others try to celebrate their choices with them.
We did not get time to try any role plays but we had a lot of very good discussion and beneficial exchange.
Thanks to Lloyd and Kathie for taking the time to be there. Thanks to everyone for all of the pie, cake, donuts, plums, candy and especially the homemade nut rolls.
And of course our thanks to OUTREACH TEEN AND FAMILY SERVICES for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday September 4 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg.
A SPECIAL REQUEST: We would like to get a few more good men to attend our PSST Meetings on Saturday morning from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m.
We do appreciate that you have other commitments on Saturday mornings but if you can make it just to one meeting a month it could make a big difference for you and your troubled teen.
Any and all Dads, Step-Dads, Granddads, Uncles and Big Brothers that are dealing with difficult teens are welcome to join us.
MEN; consider yourself cordially invited to sit in, discuss, contribute, consider some ideas, ask questions, express your point of view and develop some innovative solutions.
Maybe you can even (shudder at the thought) pick up some directions.
C'mon in and join us. There is no cost or commitment.
Our meetings are open to anyone who is serious about making a difference in their children’s life.
Help Teens Stay off Drugs Video (posted for Mary Hackett Challburg)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, August 22, 2010
Please help our dedicated and passionate group in the fight against drugs. Please re post on your wall. Every donation will help reach pre-teens, teens and families learn about drug abuse!!!!! Addiction affects 1 in 4 people....... Please help save a life.
This is a not-for-profit project of passion for many dedicated people to helping teens with drug addiction and helping them before they use/abuse or become addicted...trying to raise $5,000 to put together a viral music video...hard hitting and geared to keep kids off drugs.... Email Mike Wittlin if you want to help with this very serious cause (
Mike Wittlin of Mike Wittlin Productions (Motion Pictures/Television/Broadway is a Lebo Alum and a genius.... A premiere of the video and a VIP party will be held for all those who donate to our much-needed cause. I do not like asking people for money, however, this cause is very near and dear to my heart. If this video helps one teen or one family it will be worth it. Please help save a life......
Thank You in advance!
Sincerely,
Mary
Let's hear from the readers. Let us know you're out there please.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Saturday, August 21, 2010
How often do you check the blog?
How long have you been following PSST?
What area of the country or the world are you from?
What is your favorite thing about the meetings or about the blog?
Can you tell us one thing that you have learned at PSST or from this blog?
Do you have a favorite post?
How did you find the blog?
What would you like to see changed at the meetings or on the blog?
Do you have an adolescent who is troubled or who is using drugs?
Are you a professional in the field of Drug and Alcohol or counseling? If so, can you say what type of work you do?
If you are not from the Pittsburgh metro area would you like to see a PSST in your area?
Other comments?
Remember, you don't have to answer all the questions (but I would like to know what part of the country or world you are from.) Just let us know you're out there. Thanks for your support.
