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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
PART 4
Following is the next part of a mom’s missing memories. Lori shared her story this in 2008. It touches all families with teenage addicts.
Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - by Lori
"...There have been many times when I did not understand the actions of my son’s counselors when he was in placement. I felt the need to intervene. Surely these people don't know what they are doing! However, I always stopped myself and asked the question, “Whatever I did, did it ever work?” Regardless of how much I want to believe that I really did know what was best for my son, the answer to this question was always a resonating, “No!”
Since he started his drug use at the age of 13 until he was forced into placement by the courts at 17; what I was doing WAS NOT working. In fact, it helped the addiction process to continue...”
To continue with Lori's story, use the link below or click on the title of this post above:
Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - Part 4 of 6 - by Lori
Each week I will post the next entry or you can link to them through the PSST blog.
Thank you Lori - This helps us understand and cope. We are just now going through this realization ourselves at this time.
Rocco
 PSST IS LOOKING FOR A FEW GOOD MEN
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will open the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. I will jiggle some wires, check the fluids, tighten some screws and possibly replace a filter but…
“Because I am a man I will not admit that I can't fix it!”
Because I am a man, when I purchase an appliance, piece of furniture or some other gadget I will not pay one dime more for it to be assembled. I will take it home and scatter the pieces, force and bend the parts, enlarge the holes, question the intelligence of the designer, cuss at the infernal thing but…
“Because I am a man I will not read the instructions!”
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together but…
“Because I am a man asking for assistance is out of the question!”
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after either hypothermia or heat stroke has set in but…
“Because I am a man calling the AAA for help is not an option!”
 About a year ago I, a man, had to admit that we were totally lost. We were in need, big time, for some directions on how to plot a new course for this whole teenage recovery thing. We've been regularly attending the PSST meetings since then. We've acquired some new skills, taken back control of our lives and we have our son on his way to recovery.
We have been able to accomplish this on account of the support and encouragement of a lot of caring concerned professionals and fellow parents.
One thing that we have noticed is that the parent that is usually attending the meeting is the Mom, and that is okay. Nevertheless if we could get both Mom and Dad involved with the meetings a lot more perspective could be added to the group. This would be the case for Single Dads also.
In addition to the case of Single Moms we know that there are other reasons for the Dads not making it in; work, appointments, younger sisters and brothers to care for and, as in our very own experience, not wanting to leave our son and our home unprotected.
Hopefully this shortage of Dads is not a stubborn thing, a “lack of trust” thing, a pride thing, a childish thing or a macho thing.
If you can make it, we would like to have a few more good men attending our PSST Meetings on Saturday morning from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m.
You are cordially invited to sit in, discuss, contribute, consider some ideas, ask questions, express your point of view and help develop some innovative solutions.
 So let's go guys! C'mon in and join us.
If you're struggling with teenage drug abuse and you want some advice on a new approach, we can help you "find a new way to get there."
Our meetings are open to all parents, including Dads, who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. There is no charge or commitment.
Maybe you can even (shudder at the thought) pick up some new directions.
Read More......
 It was a beautiful spring day at the Trinity Lutheran Church in Wexford Saturday. Outside there was a lot of work going on restoring and fixing up the landscaping from a rough winter. Inside there was a lot of work going on at the PSST meeting restoring and healing parents from the distress and difficulties caused by addiction. We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is a great example of how they have been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
Val, Kathy and Lloyd were there as well as 6 parents. We were glad to have one supportive alumna checking in, a clued-in parent returning for a second round and a concerned first time parent. I remember being a bit overwhelmed at our first visit but I am very thankful that we came back.
We did some role plays:
- A teen wanting his parents to commit to a promise that he would be out of his program in no more than 90 days.
- A mom setting up a plan with her and the P.O. to reel in her out of control teen.
- A mom explaining her plan (accompanied by the P.O.) to her out of control teen.
We talked over not being distressed when we need to be the “Bad Guy” AGAIN. In fact, we want to be the “Bad Guy” because it gives us, the parent, the power. Or to provide a better connotation we like to say that it lets your teen know that there is a “New Sheriff in Town” and lets them know that we are taking back the control.
We went over the cell phone thing.
- “I want to know where my child is” VS “They lie. You don’t really know anyway.”
- “I check their call history and text messages” VS “They know. They erase what they don’t want you to see.”
- “They will need to reach me in an emergency!” VS “They know how to reach you anytime they 'need' anything. All of the kids they are with have phones.”
We noted that the phones are not cheap, that taking the phone away is a good consequence and that the phone essentially becomes just another piece of drug paraphernalia. To act quickly and save money you can call the phone service provider and have their service suspended.
Remember you as parents have the right to confiscate stuff from your minor child. When you take things away from your teen (i.e. cell phones, X-Box, computers, drug paraphernalia and drugs) lock it up. Better yet take it out of the house all together – to someone’s house that you can trust or, if necessary, to the police. I had a special file drawer in my office for my son’s “stuff” (I bagged and tagged it and alerted my Admin Assistant in case someone else found it).
DO NOT destroy or dispose of your teen’s drugs or drug paraphernalia. You are not PROTECTING them, you are ENABLING them.
Val and Lloyd explained that you can have charges on file without immediately setting a hearing date with this evidence. You can then use these charges and the possible hearing as a major consequence for your teen if they refuse treatment.
PLEASE NOTE: They also clarified for us parents with a child that is about to turn 18 that these charges will remain Juvenile Charges for 6 months.
Then, as strange as it sounds at first, we were coached as parents to AGREE WITH YOUR TEEN. Find some little thing in your discussion to agree with them. This will totally throw them off track and allow you to take back control of the conversation.
Teen: “This program is totally bullsh-t, you and that P.O. just want to keep me locked away!”
Mom (leaning forward for emphasis): “You’re right honey (Pause for the 'Huh?' effect). Nevertheless I will keep you locked away as long as it takes to make sure that you are safe and stay clean.”
Remember our two favorite words NEVERTHELESS and REGARDLESS. Try to get BUT totally out of your vocabulary. Or as one of my favorite people loves to always remind me “Everything you say after the word BUT is BS.”
 Once again, I think we all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers. This is a great example of how they have been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing a lot of you at our meeting next Saturday, April 17 at the PSST meeting at the Outreach Teen and Family Services located in Mt. Lebanon at 666 Washington Road (free parking in the back lot).
Guest speaker Jim Musiol of 1 Step Detect Associates (DTx) will explain drug testing, what our teens use to disguise results and get negative readings on their drug test and parental awareness of 4-20 Day. You may purchase drug tests from Jim. These are accurate drug tests used by many agencies.
Parents that attend PSST meetings receive a very reasonable price of:
$1.00 per drug test and $3.00 per 3-stick drug test – Alcohol Test will also be available.
Remember there is still Hope at PSST.
Sometimes I think we adults are pretty oppositional. We can't seem to allow that our teenagers might be right about anything, at least not at the point where we are feeling defensive. However, one of the keys to setting up a good working relationship with your teenager is to agree with him often. Even when you really don't agree with the meat of what he is saying, you can always agree with the potatoes or the greens.
Why is it important to agree with each other? Agreements are the thread that ties us together. It is not our disagreements that bond, it is our agreements. Without that bonding, the disagreements could tear us apart.
In addition, your teen expects an argument. When he finds instead that you agree with something, with anything that he says, he is disarmed. Think of it as priming the pump, setting the table, or oiling the squeeky door. Think of it anyway that you like, but think of it often and use it!
Another way to look at it: Is the glass half full or glass half empty? We disagree with something that our teenager said, e.g., "I don't think I can make it back by curfew tonight Mom!" Immediately, we disagree and we want to argue that "you better get back by curfew tonight or else you're not going and if you go and don't get back in time, then you're grounded buddy!"
Ironically, we might have also been concerned that he would not have made it back on time. If he has had trouble making it back on time recently, then that alone could have made it easy to agree that this might be a problem; however, we choose to argue. If that is the half empty glass where is the half full one?
Son: I don't think I can make it back by curfew tonight Mom.
Mom: I was thinking the same thing. [this is "joining phrase" that implies agreement. We are agreeing that we are thinking the same thing.]
Son: You were?
Mom: Well, you have trouble with the curfew recently, you don't agree with the curfew, and tonight your plans sound a bit complicated.
Son: Yeah, and you know, I don't feel like getting grounded when it's not really my fault- and I'm being honest about it, you know?
Mom: I just think it's good that you are thinking ahead.
Son: Right. You aren't going to give me a later curfew even though I'm being honest. You just don't care. You got that brainwashing thing going on where you went to a few classes and now you think you know everything. What I think doesn't matter to you anymore.
Mom: I'm glad you brought this up. [A standard good thing to say- we can always agree that it was a good thing to bring up.]
Mom: But I agree with you that I'm not going to give you a later curfew. I mean, you know me very well, and I guess you can predict pretty easy what I am and what I'm not going to do. You're smart like that or else I'm just easy to figure out.
Son: What are you talking about I agree with you? We don't agree on this at all!
Mom: That's true- we disagree about the curfew. But we agree that with what all your trying to do tonight you won't make it back on time.
Son: Right.
Mom: Yes, I think that shows maturity on your part, you know, to even bring it up.
Son: So, you don't care if I stay out later?
Mom: Oh yes, I care- I'm just still glad that you brought it up.
Son: Can I stay out later?
Mom: No.
Son: Why not? Just give me one good reason?
Mom: You don't think there is one good reason for me not to let you stay out later.
Son: No I don't [glaring.]
Mom: I admit I don't have one good reason that will convince you.
Son: SEE!
Mom: Nevertheless, I am really not comfortable with you going out at all tonight- I agree with you- you won't make it back in on time- just stay home.
Son: I thought you said it was good to bring it up!
Mom: It was.
Son: But I got screwed.
Mom: In a way, yes, you did.
Son [glares ]
Son: OK, I'll make it back tonight on time.
Mom: That would please me but how can you be so sure?
Son: I'm not going to go with Todd. I'm going to go with Gina. She has to be back the same time I do so if I go with her I know I'll make it.
Read more about this parenting technique in an earlier post from November of last year: "I Agree"
Also, we have posted about the power of agreeing, twisting the agreement, and falling back on "nevertheless" and "regardless" in this post: "Gimme three steps, won't you gimme three steps, gimme three steps towards the door..."
Note: Some of our teens are Oppositional Defiant perhaps.
Read More......
PART 3 Here is the next part of a mom’s missing memories. Lori shared this in 2008. Her story touches all families of teenage addicts. Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - by Lori "He had to let go of his teen years. His drug addiction didn’t allow him to be a teenager and he had to accept that he could not recapture those teen years. They were gone forever... ...I once asked my son about the years he spent doing drugs and if he considered writing down some of his memories so that others could understand. He said that he couldn’t, because he can’t remember much. And after a few days of thinking about this comment, I began to realize how sad this statement is, so very sad. His teen years, that should have been some of the best of his life, can be capsulated in the simple statement, “I can’t remember much.” …"
To continue with Lori's story, use the link below or click on the title of this post above:
Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - Part 3 of 6 - by Lori
Each week I will post the next entry or you can link to them through the PSST blog.
Thank you Lori - This helps us understand and cope. We are just now going through this realization ourselves at this time.
Rocco
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