Once we got the morning thing straightened out we suddenly had a homework problem. After my nephew's ball game he came home with us and refused to do his homework. For one thing we told him we wanted it done before he got a night time snack. He started yelling and it was obvious that he was yelling to be noticed and in an attempt to intimidate us. We tried to ignore him. He got louder and louder and came into the kitchen and started slamming his hands on the table. That's when I reached my limit.
I took him by the shoulders and asked him if he would settle down or else would he like to go upstairs with me. He immediately got louder. So I took him upstairs. He is a big boy. I'm not sure my wife could do it this same way although I didn't so much carry him as I did just inch him up the steps to the bedroom.
Once in the bedroom he continued to scream and yell even louder. He also tried to get out of the bedroom but I was standing by the door. When he tried to squeeze past me I just hugged him. He was angry and told me to get away from him. I reminded him that he was coming to me- I wasn't coming to him- I thought he must want a hug.
He kept yelling that he was hungry. I reinterated our stance- no homework- no snack. He tried to turn the TV on. I reinterated our stance on that- no homework- no TV. I told him to go to bed and I would get him up at 5:00 AM to do his homework. I could see that he didn't like that.
His primary manipulative strategy was to yell me into submission. I kind of egged him on a little in that regard. I pretended that I couldn't hear him and I ask him to speak up because I know he is oppositinal defiant to the point where me telling him to yell louder is going to make him want to not yell. He yelled pretty loudly for about 20 minutes. Then he started to cry. Why so sad I asked him, after all, he got his way- he didn't do his homework. He said he wanted to do his homework now. I said, "Well, ya, but how do I know you won't come downstairs and start yelling again?" He assured me he was done with the yelling, he just wanted to do his homework. He appeared all yelled out and his whole demenor had changed. He was no longer trying to yell me into submission but he was wishing that he could have got that home work done.
This is the difference in my book from punishment and disclipline. I only want to use enough power to get his behavior within limits. That's all. If I was trying to punish him I would have sent him to bed or made him stay in his room a certain lenth of time "so that he could learn a lesson." I think he did learn the lesson. The lesson was that his yelling doesn't work. So, I told him he could come downstairs whenever he felt that he could controll himself and I went downstairs.
Five minutes later he came downstairs. My wife did homework with him. Only took 15 minutes. Then he had Chicken Nuggets, one of his favorites. I made small talk with him. He seemed to bear no resentment. He declined desert and said that he was very tired and could he go to sleep. We said sure brush teeth and go to bed but remember that you will get up and go to school on time in the morning. He said he would. And he did. The next morning was no problem at all.
Our nephew seems to have two different personalities. He is the sweetest most polite kid around or he is angry, defiant, and intimidating. He snaps between the two instantly. Our goal is to reward the first one and either ignore or restrict him on the other.
One of the things that I did not do was try to yell back at him. It was not necessary and the resentment that would creep into the relationship would be intense. If you find that you are yelling at your child to control him, read this article: Researchers Have Shown that Yelling at Kids Can Have Long Lasting and Detrimental Consequences.
Just wondering if any parents reading this blog can think back to when their child was 8 years old. Had the trouble already started? Was he demanding, pushy, and intimidating in order to get his own way? Leave us a comment about that please.
I see a connection between these kids at from 8 to 10 years old and the teens that they grow into. At some point they learn that they can get what they want by defiance and intimdation. By the time they are 12 and start to experiment with drugs they are already well on their way to being almost impossible to handle.
Note: the image is from licensed CreataCard Software.
Nephew Part II. Punishment verses disclipine (and Homework.)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 15, 2009
Nephew off to school on time (or When bribery wins the battle but looses the war!)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, May 12, 2009
He throws a temper tantrum. He passively resists. He begins to scream and hyperventilate. He is big for a Second Grader and he just puts up a heck of a fight. Yesterday, I had left for work and my wife struggled with him and finally got him to school late.
We talked with his mother. She says the thing that works best is to tell him that if he gets ready for school, there will be some special treat after school, like going somewhere that he likes. Apparently, this often works with him; however, it does not always work or else he would not have attendance and tardiness issues.
Here's the problem with bribery. It reinforces bad behavior. If you are yelling, screaming, and generaly being a pain and I come up and promise you something nice, then you are going to learn that if you yell, scream, and be a pain that you will be rewarded. Remember: kids are smart. They can figure things out much better than we give them credit for. My nephew has figured out two important things.
Now he is in Second Grade. Imagine him with 50 more pounds and two extra feet. That's what we will have to deal with when he is a teenager. He will be much harder to get to school then.
We passed on the bribery. Not going to happen. He has to go to school because it's the law that he go to school every day and because we have to get to work. We aren't promising him anything special for doing what he is suppossed to do every day. We know he can get up and get ready and go to school and that's what we expect.
Here's what I did last night to prepare him for going to school on time. I picked him up at his Grandparents. In the car I told him that tomorrow he was going to go to school on time. He said he wasn't going to go to school on time. I replied that he would certainly go on time and that we would make sure of it. He wanted to know why we would do that and I told him that was a good question but sorry I don't have a real good answer- it's just the way it is. He got rather mouthy and informed me that he hated school and he didn't see why going in on time was important. I agreed that sometimes school sucks.
Before he got out of the car I asked him to help me check my Child Care Locks on the door (I sometimes call them Shuman Locks I explained to him because I often take Juveniles to Shuman Center in the my car and I put these locks on so that they can't escape.) By doing this he could see that once I put him my back seat, he was not going to open the door and jump out.
Once we got inside we had a talk. My wife and explained to him that she had to go to work early and that I was going to be the only one home in the morning with him. I told him we could wake him up very early so that he could have time to get ready for school and that, regardless, we would be leaving on time.
He paid attention. His had a look of incredulousness on his face, as though he found the whole thing unbelievable. Then, my wife and I (we had already come to understanding between the two of us) asked him what did he think would happen if he refused to get dressed for school?
Later, when he was in the bathtub he began screaming and yelling. Nothing in particular, just screaming and yelling. We figured he wasn't drowning as long as he was making all that noise and we pretty much ignored it. I think he was attempting to intimidate us by showing us what he was capable of if we crossed him. Think of a gorrila beating his chest just to show the other apes that they better not mess with him. Also, at this point if we were to have insisted that he stop yelling he might not have quit it. It could have turned into a pointless powere struggle.
Morning came around. We woke him up early- no problem and no water necessary. My wife put his clothes on a chair by the front door and she left for work. I made breakfast- french toast- one of the few things I can make. I called him for breakfast and he yelled, "I'm coming I'm coming you don't have to keep calling me." I gave him a cheery "that's good, I'm glad to see you're up and coming downstairs." He asked for seconds and that was no problem.
After that everything was incredibly easy. I didn't expect it to be easy. I thought we were going to have a showdown, one that I was sure I would win, but it never happened. I promted him to brush his teeth when he was in the bathroom. He already had. I came downstairs to tell him it was time to get dressed but he already was dressed. In fact, he was standing by the door waiting for me. He was ready first! He had no more questions about why we had to go to school on time- he had accepted that that is just the way it is.
We had a nice early morning chat in the car on the way to school. Nice talk. No beligerance. Just nice talk. We were early for school arriving at 7:33 AM. I chatted with the School Social Worker who was standing outside when I dropped him off. I gave him a big hug and told him I loved him. He said he loved me too and that was it.
Will it be this easy every morning? I doubt it. Did we get lucky? Sure we did. But you know we were prepared to get him to school on time. We had a plan. We told him what the plan was and he believed that we were dead serious. I think having him help me check to make sure the Shuman Locks worked helped him to see how serious we were about it all.
If he needed to be put in the back seat of the car with his clothes handed to him, it probably wouldn't have happened twice. I would have also put the seat belt on him and while he could take it off again, I was planning on contining to put it back on so that we were driving legal. If at some point he agreed to get dressed I would have pulled the car over and allowed him to take off the seat belt and get dressed. And I would have been careful not to lecture him about it too, just to accept that he was now ready to get dressed; however, we would have already been out of the house and down the road a bit before that happened. Once out of the house we were not going back into the house but rather we would continue to school as best we could.
The other thing we told him was that if this turned out to be an ongoing problem we would get him up earlier and earlier each morning to allow the time necessary.
Maybe we just got lucky and dodged a bullit today. Maybe not. But think about how if left to his own devices, this young man might grow up to have serious problems. As long as he is able to decide if and what time he is going to show up at school he is going to have way too much power. Remember the Oil TV comercials? The one where "You can pay me now or you can pay me later?" That's the way it is with going to school on time problems. Take care of it now- or it's going to be harder to take care of it down the road. And by then you don't just have real dirty oil, but you got serious engine problems too.
Bribery: more reading.
Happy Mother's Day! And Enabling with Cell Phones, Computers, Cars and Money!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, May 10, 2009
We have posted this before and in honor of Mother's Day I wanted to post it again; although now we are sending you to another web page that still is able to feature this funny creative version of the William Tell Overture. Enjoy. Truly a Mother's Job is Never Done. Even when your kids are well grown into adulthood. But then again, I guess that's more by choice than anything. Mothers Everywhere- why not really take a day off? You deserve it! Also, for an update about our last Wexford meeting on 5-9-09, click "read more."
We had a nice turn-out: eight parents, three more experienced group members and five newer members. The three more experienced group members injected hope into the room as all three had gone through some very dark times and never expected to get to the "other side" of this teenager drug problem so successfully. The parents who are still struggling had much in common as they shared about defiant and sometimes violent teens still vying for power and in several cases, obviously still abusing drugs.
We talked about how defiant teens are trying to use fear to gain power. The reason for that is that they have no real power otherwise; they are not educated, not very well employed, and not financially able to provide for themselves. Also, they usually feel very little remorse for the terrorizing that they do to their families. In their minds, the parents deserve to be terrorized because they keep interfering in their lives and because they refuse to give them everything they want.
One situation that we talked about is the parent intent on showing their teen that they are not afraid. But we asked, why not be afraid? If your teen has threatened your life for example, who would not be afraid? Therefore, take precautions. Consider safety at all times, and yet, find a way to stand up to them.
It's not so important to not be afraid. In fact, sometimes it is precisely because you are afraid that you are taking the steps you are taking, e.g., having a Police Officer present when you explain to your teen that you are taking his cell phone, that you are filing a charge with the authorities, or that you have had it and you have decided not to allow him to terrorize you any longer. Or if not a Police Officer, a Counselor, a neighbor, a relative. Of course, if you are lucky enough to have a Probation Officer for your teen, then he absolutely needs to be included, but often parents can accomplish much without having a Juvenile Probation Officer in the mix.
Remember, your defiant teen wants to do two things. First, he wants to make you afraid so that he can have the power that he wants. He wants what he wants and when he can get what he wants- that's power. Secondly, he wants to keep the fact that he is terrorizing you as much a secret as possible. The last person he wants to know about this is the police or his relatives, or family friends. He is counting on you to keep it a secret. So don't. Let him know in no uncertain terms that from now on you will broadcast to significant others his use of unacceptable and sometimes criminal tactics. As Ken often points out, sometimes the significant others includes the parents of your teenager's friends. Do they know what your are dealing with as far as aggressive behavior and drug abuse goes. What impact would it have to call each of your teenager's friends parents and tell them, "We just wanted you to know that we are having problems with our son; he is threatening us and we suspect strongly that he is abusing drugs!"
If you are allowing your teen to regularly threaten you without consequences then you may be passively helping to create a criminal. Even though you believe that he does not mean it, some kinds of threats are criminal. Other kinds of threats are not. If he is threatening to hurt or to kill you- bingo- that is a criminal act and in that case you may wish to have a local Police Officer explain to him the possible consequences of that behavior. You do not do your teen a favor by over looking it.
Of course, many will reply to this line of logic that it is different for them because their teen is "Dual Diagnosed." Consider that each teenager of the eight parents that attended our last meeting had a Dual Diagnosed teen (mental health problem plus a drug abuse problem.)
These are the tough teens; however, allowing the Dual Diagnosed teen to manipulate you with fear is not recommended. At some point, you have to stand up to your teen regardless of their psychiatric condition. Should you refer your teen to have a psychiatric evaluation? Of course. Should you follow recommendations of a psychiatrist and try to have your teen take prescribed medications? Of course. In the meantime, however, it is dangerous to let your teen see that he can manipulate you with fear because if he can attain that level of power in your family, it is likely that his substance abuse issues and his mental health issues will continue to grow. If you are trying to have your teens mental health issues addressed but he continues to abuse drugs, good luck. Probably that is not going to work. As long as their drug abuse continues the prognosis for effective mental health treatment is not good.
It's not easy to stand up to a Dual Diagnosed teenager; however, it is not really easy to over look defiant, aggressive and threatening behavior either. If you are going to have a bad day anyway why not have one because you choose to stand up to your defiant teen?
Anther thing that came up again in group is teen cell phone use. Cell phones are considered drug paraphernalia by many parents. The texting that goes on today is more considerable than the actual talking. The biggest reason for parents to allow an irresponsible teenager to continue to carry a cell phone is "so that we can reach him." If this is your stance, ask yourself how that is working for you? Most parents admit that when their teenager doesn't want to be reached by parents he just doesn't answer the cell phone. Or if he does answer he lies about what he is doing, who he is with, and what he is doing. Your teen's cell phone may contain his drug dealer's names. Remember also that teens abuse cell phones in school. It is often not a good idea to allow your teen to carry a cell phone to school. If you think your teen is still doing drugs, pull the cell phone.
Likewise, the computer is a primary way to stay in touch with other kids that abuse drugs. Insist on having your teen register you as a "friend" so that you can view your teens My Space or Facebook page. Try to go to your teen's friends My Space or Face book. What do you see? Are they advertising drug or alcohol abuse by showing pictures of themselves drinking or other provocative things? If you think your teen is still doing drugs, pull the computer privileges.
And the hat trick of teen tools to continue a lifestyle of drug abuse is the car. Is it inconvenient for parents to take a car away from a teenager? Sure. How convenient is it for you to attend a funeral that didn't have to happen? Cars provide drugs in many differerent ways. If you think your teen is still doing drugs, by all means, PULL THE CAR privileges.
So, if your teen is defiant, violent and/ or is still abusing drugs or alcohol, then make sure that you are not doing or giving him anything that can help to enable the lifestyle that he has choosen. Sometimes we only think of money as enabling if we are giving them large amounts of it. But consider that teens tell us that they even save lunch money to buy drugs. If you believe that your teen is still abusing drugs then perhaps reconsider trusting them with any money at all. You might, for example, call the school and see if you can pay direct for lunches. Avoid actually placing any money in your teens hands if you believe that they still abuse drugs. See The Three Best Ways to Stop Enabling for more information.
Then after all these "drug paraphernalia" have been restricted, try to sit back and enjoy Mother's Day. You've really earned it now.
FREE SUPPORT TO FAMILY MEMBERS TOUCHED BY ADDICTION
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, May 08, 2009
ARC Manor is pleased to offer:
Group Topics Include:
- What is Addiction?
- The Disease of Addiction
- Addiction & The Family
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- 12-step Support
Friends and family members of those addicted to substances often do not
understand the process of addiction and recovery. ARC Manor seeks to educate
family and friends about the addiction process, while offering a supportive environment in which family
and friends can talk about their struggles and successes.
The Family Education Support Group is open to the public age 18 years or
older.
No registration or Appointment is necessary to attend.
Pa Families Inc
431 Dever Hollow Road
Templeton Pa 16259
1-800-947-4941
pafamilies@comcast.net
www.pafamiliesinc.com
Last minute update: Guest Speaker for tomorrow: Tom M.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 01, 2009
Tom M came to Eastern PSST about six weeks ago. For that meeting we had no regular members although we did have a handful of new parents who were dropping their teens off for the Education/ assessment class. We have been hoping that Tom would make a return appearance for our regular members. Tom's message of hope includes a frank and sometimes brutally honest apprasial of his previous drug problems and his relationship with his family. It can be a little rough around the edges and at times he may wander into the vernacular as he describes the way it is; however, the truth he speaks is powerful and his story is riveting. After listening to Tom you may be able to gain insight into your teens relationship with substances. You may also see a new significance to your role as parent.
On April 17th, Tom M was one of a handful of Juvenile Court youth who courageously spoke to hundreds of high school students on Fatal Awareness Day at Robert Morris College. Tom M also shares his message of recovery through his 12-step Hospitals and Institutions program.
Type rest of the post here
