As you may recall, the Top Three that have been previously posted on this blog are (1) Lying, (2) Guilting and (3) Doing Good Temporarily. This time half the teens thought that the Third Most Effective Manipulation was Defiance. The teens were not necessarily referring to the same type of Defiance, but rather there were several types that seemed to fit under this general category. The other half maintained that Doing Good Temporarily was still the Third Most Effective Way to Manipulate.
The several types of Defiance that the teens brought up are as follows:
1. No matter what your parents say, just do what you want. For example, if they tell you to stay in, make sure that you go out. This teaches parents who is in charge. If they can't do anything to stop you, they probably will quit trying to tell you to stay in because it is just a battle that they are going to loose anyway.
2. Let your parents know that if don't get your own way on something important, that you don't know if you'll be able to keep it together. You might just have to flip out- start yelling, throwing things, trashing the house by putting holes in the walls, etc. This over-laps somewhat with the second most effective way to manipulate because as you do this you will let your parents know that it is completely their fault that you are "loosing it."
3. Make threatening statements. This one is similar to #2. Threaten to run away. Threaten to get high. Threaten to break the law if you have to, to get money, when they won't give you any. Threaten violence towards your parents. Threaten to hurt yourself. Threaten that if they insist on not letting you have what you want, you will be the most depressed person in the world- and of course it's all their fault.
Sometimes the threat of violence is direct but often it is implied by the way in which you communicate, e.g., yell, clench your fists, or mutter under your breath so that your parents can hear certain violent words. For example, your parents may hear some of your words but not all of them. It might go something like this: "Blah blah blah f******** blah blah b***** blah blah kill someone blah blah ****-you-up blah blah." This way if you get confronted about what you are saying, you can claim not to have been speaking to your parents or claim not to have meant what they thought you meant. Similarly, if you can keep the threats "implied," then later it is easier to deny that you have actually made threatening statements.
The bottom line is that even though your parents may not want to address what's going on- what's happening is that you know that your parents are afraid of you or are afraid of what you might do, either to them or to yourself. They know they are afraid but they might not want to admit it. That's your ace-in-the-hole because as long as they don't want to admit it, they really can't do much about it.
So what can a parent do in the face of defiance? First, pay attention to what is going on. You may need the help of a therapist or other concerned party to help you sort out just how your teenager is using defiance to stay in control.
Once you figure out how your teenager is using this technique the Second Step is to admit it. For example, if your teen refuses to stay home when your ground him, then admit that he is outside of your control. Without this admission, it is impossible to move towards any solution. If your teenager threatens violence whenever you attempt to wake him up in the morning and you are not willing to put yourself in that position, then admit that he is failing at school because he is outside of your control.
The Third Step is to realize that doing nothing is doing something. When you do nothing to address the situation, you passively approve of your teenager remaining outside of your control. You approve of them not attending school. You approve of their continuing drug abuse.
The Fourth Step is to try something different. There is a saying in 12-step that addresses insanity: "Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results." Or, "If you do what you always did, you get what you always got." For example, you might involve others in the situation. Contact a School Guidance Counselor and disclose that your teenager has been operating outside of your control. Don't keep this a secret. Take a positive action after consulting with school professionals, therapists, probation officers or in some cases, police.
There is more to say on this subject. Stay tuned for more on this post or look for a follow-up post soon. In the meantime please leave a comment if you have had anything similar to this happen to you, and especially if found any solutions.
Parent Survival Skills Training: parents helping parents take back control!
The Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part I.
Approaches To Dealing With Teen Lying: Part II.
Guilting the Parent: Part III.
Doing Good Temporarily- Just to get privileges back- Part-IV
Doing Good Temporarily- Just to get privileges back- Part-IV
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