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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
PART 3 Here is the next part of a mom’s missing memories. Lori shared this in 2008. Her story touches all families of teenage addicts. Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - by Lori "He had to let go of his teen years. His drug addiction didn’t allow him to be a teenager and he had to accept that he could not recapture those teen years. They were gone forever... ...I once asked my son about the years he spent doing drugs and if he considered writing down some of his memories so that others could understand. He said that he couldn’t, because he can’t remember much. And after a few days of thinking about this comment, I began to realize how sad this statement is, so very sad. His teen years, that should have been some of the best of his life, can be capsulated in the simple statement, “I can’t remember much.” …"
To continue with Lori's story, use the link below or click on the title of this post above:
Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - Part 3 of 6 - by Lori
Each week I will post the next entry or you can link to them through the PSST blog.
Thank you Lori - This helps us understand and cope. We are just now going through this realization ourselves at this time.
Rocco
As everyone told us he would, our son David returned home on Sunday night, after being gone for a total of 10 days. We were relieved but very cautious - Mel and I had made sure we were mentally prepared. All week long we discussed what would be the best thing to say, or not say, when he finally walked in. We agreed that on the first evening at least, we would remain calm, would not get into any deep discussion, and make sure we told him we loved him. We were going to do this no matter what mood brought him in the door. When he walked in, he strode by me quickly, my sense being he was afraid of what I was going to do. What I did do, was call him, make him come to where I was, and gave him a bear hug that I held on to for a while. He hugged back. Then the same thing with Mel. We told him to get a shower, get something to eat, and we'll talk soon.
That said...a counselor we have worked with at Gateway said to us "I can always tell when I am getting somewhere when the kid starts behaving like the possessed girl from The Exorcist - They will try several ways of fighting you (the Exorcist) until they (the possessed) are broken down and are ready to be repaired". I thought that was an apt analogy, so I didn't get overly excited when our son was pleasant and reasonable in our first round of discussions: our talking points were: what did you learn from this, do you understand how and why things got to this point, do you understand as a result, that further consequences will occur? No one yelled, no one argued, he was calm, and seemed to understand what we were saying. Again, Mel and I made sure to add how much we love him, and that anything we do in regards to him is about keeping him physically and emotionally safe so he can grow up and have choices in his life.
The next day, the demon started to rear his head. He couldn't get out of bed, didn't want to go to school, wouldn't go to Gateway, announced that he was going out, he couldn't possibly stay home all day, it was beautiful out and he was bored. I put my foot down. Still didn't yell, but went over again the reasons he had gotten himself into this jam in the first place. He started to scream "I shouldn't be in this at all...all I had was a little weed for personal use, and the cop could have let it go, but NOOOOO, he has to get ME, and everyone else got away!!"
I said " first of all, weed in any amount is illegal. Secondly, you are under age. Thirdly, the cop did what he was supposed to, thankfully. And finally, you are blaming everyone else for your situation except for yourself! You need to learn that you control your choices, and therefore any consequence, good or bad that comes with it, is something you have earned". After much back and forth on this note, he finished "You guys are @$$holes!" I decided to use a little what I learned in PSST. I got into his physical space, leaned towards him and agreed with him.."we may be @$$holes, but we are @$$holes who love you and care about you more than any human on this earth!" The phone rang - it was his PO telling us we have a detention hearing for him tomorrow at Shuman. More to come...
(Clipart from Clipartheaven.com)
We've discussed this a lot at PSST meetings and lately this issue has come up a bit for me dealing with parents outside of group. Some of our posts on preparing for and dealing with home passes are buried deep in our blog. I'm going to attempt to unbury them by placing links on this post. The first one is Home Pass from Institution: 10 things to keep in mind. In re-reading this, I realize that there are really eleven things to keep in mind. The comment at the end brings up #11, which is sex during home passes! Don't think it can't happen. The next post is entitled Preparing for a Six-hour Home Pass. This is a little introduction to an earlier post followed by a link to our original role-play from 1997. If you don't see the link there or if you want to skip straight to it click original role-play.
I just noticed that the original was written almost exactly three years ago! In fact, the role-play mentions an Easter Visit.
I hope you all had a Happy Easter. I also wish all of you to have either (1)the best ever visits with your teenagers or better yet, I wish that (2)you all learn important stuff about what's going on inside that teenager-head!
In a way a home pass with your teenager is like lifting the hood of your car and checking the oil. When we see that we are a quart low (or sometimes two) we feel bad. Nevertheless, it's really good that we looked under there isn't it? The things our teens do and say on home passes are often indicative of what they are really thinking. Sometimes we can even see what they intend to do after discharge. We need to know. Sometimes it hurts, but it's always better to know than not to know. Sometimes we leave them in treatment longer because we hope they can either find the quart of oil they need, or better yet, just have the oil and the filter changed.
Also, while they are in inpatient we hope they will find "the miracle." However, we are not always aware that by not allowing them to manipulate us on a home pass we are providing treatment ourselves. When we stand firm on our talking points or when we stand up to them, look them in the eye, and say something like:
"No, not this time- this time we do it our way. And while you're in treatment, we hope that you come to understand that things at home are going to be different when you return."
Bam. Boom. The parent(s) who do this have just delivered perhaps a more effective treatment than the teenager got all week in the rehab. Rather than compare effectiveness of treatments it would be better to point out that the treatment administered by the parent compliments and enhances the treatment administered by the rehab.
In other words, the teenager who just got his "chain rattled" because he could no longer manipulate his parent on a home pass is now primed for treatment at the rehab. On the other hand, the parent who is still afraid to upset his teenager or is afraid to have a "bad visit" has confirmed to the teenager that it is still the teenager who is all-powerful. That all-powerful teenager is going to have a difficult time making good use of the treatment at the rehab. Instead, we are going to hear, "he's not ready."
Think about it. Why should he change? He is still powerful enough to scare his parents even though he is in inpatient isn't he? This teen will cruise though treatment knowing that when he comes home he'll still be the one-in-charge.
We had eleven fa mily members in attendance at this meeting. There were so many issues going on for these families that we ended up talking and helping each other for two hours and fifteen minutes before we realized we did not even take our break. 
One regular mom quoted Alexander Pope and said hope springs eternal... and this is true.
Hope springs eternal in the human breast: Man never is, but always To be Blest. - Alexander Pope
Our HOPE is OUR BLESSING!
We will work through all of this and we will continue to fight the good fight.
Ethyl was there and brought some inspiration. (Read the post about her daughter Lucy who is now in the Navy). I was pleased that our other son, I will call him Frodo, came along to shed some light on how a sibling feels and lives with the fact that their home is in turmoil because of a teenager's addiction with drugs.
At any rate, we took our break when the meeting should have ended and then Rocco and Frodo and I had to go but I heard that several parents stayed on to do some great role playing.
Thanks again to our fearless leaders, Lloyd, Val and Kathie who we enjoy spending our Saturday's with to learn how to be good parents to children who have addictions.
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Here is a small update on Emily written by Emily's mom. Life is unpredictable and tough, just when you think you have got a hang of how it all works, it changes. I know your heart is broken, mom, but hang in there Here is a quote that helps me at times. "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."
-Ernest Hemingway
I encourage any readers who have a bit of wisdom or a thought on this to post it.
Just when I thought I could breathe a little easier, the walls came crashing down yet again. Emily AWOL'ed from her RTF, went to the nearest grocery store, stole some Nyquil and drank almost the whole bottle until she was found by the RTF staff. Even after nearly a year away from home and in the system, her cravings are obviously still strong. I am devastated. Her Consent Decree hearing is scheduled for May 3rd. This means that the charges from last year that would have been dropped, should she have successfully completed treatment at the RTF, will now go on her Juvenile record and the new charge of shoplifting will also be added. This is what I did not want for her or her future. She really did herself in this time. The sad thing? She still blames everyone except herself. She still has no remorse and takes no personal responsibility for what she did. I am furious with her. When will she stop playing the victim? When will she want to get better? EVER? I am furious. I have stopped taking her calls and have no intentions on visiting her until I see her investing in working toward making some positive changes within herself. God only knows when that will be.
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 Rocco was thinking of Emily's mom and Emily's Progress and we both thought these words of wisdom were apropriate.
Protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question.
PROTECT OUR DOUBTS
Protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question.
And in order for this to be possible...
Protect our decisions, because Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES, and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse.
And in order for this to be possible...
Protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and Action, share a little of the love we receive.
And in order for this to be possible...
Protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way of praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or our circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and perseverance.
And in order for this to be possible...
Protect our enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heaven and to Earth, to grown-ups, and to children; it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing.
And in order for this to be possible...
Protect our "us"; Because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and feel enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory.
Amen
Paulo Coelho - Brazilian lyricist and novelistIn 1996, Coelho founded the Paulo Coelho Institute, which provides aid to children and elderly people with financial problems. In September 2007, Coelho was named a Messenger of Peace to the United Nations.
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Hi, it has been a while since I filled you in on our family and how we are progressing. We are changing (for the better) and I feel that y'all have been such good friends and confidants as you listened to my stories.... From the emotional Roller Coaster I rode when Cisco relapsed to the declaration that The Spell Has Been Broken! Well, we are at the crossroads once again. Cisco will soon successfully complete his stay in the Gateway YES program. We are so proud of his progress. It certainly is a natural 'mom thing' to want him home and want the memories of his actions to fade away like a bad dream. Never the Less, addictions don't easily go away, addictions are deceitful, cunning and baffling. It took me three months to process that he is not yet ready to come home. He is not yet strong enough to master this deceitful, cunning and baffling enigma.
Cisco had another three hour pass on Saturday; Rocco was out of town on business so I trekked out on my own to see him. Well, I wasn't completely alone, I took The Beagle with me. The Beagle is good company for a long drive but I will make a mental note for next time not to share my happy meal with The Beagle because he does get car sick.
Cisco and I walked in the park and talked about many things. He was respectful and introspective. We talked about some things that really matter. Like what he needs to do to stay clean and how often he feels like using. Cisco wants to get a job and finish his GED so that he can take some college courses. He is talking positively about moving on to Liberty Station (an adolescent halfway house).
Cisco is not as self-centered as he used to be. Because of his placement, he has not been able to see his 89 year old grandpap since January. He wants us to tell grandpap where he is so that grandpap can see him. He is afraid grandpap just thinks Cisco is not visiting him because he doesn't care about him.
Cisco's probation officer said we have a court date coming up soon. I asked him if he foresees a problem with getting Liberty Station court ordered. Lloyd feels that the public defender will fight it and may get Cisco riled up about going there. Let me tell you one thing for the record. I am ready for a fight with any ol' P.D. It took me some time to process that Cisco needs more help but now Rocco and I have both come to the conclusion that he does. We have all worked too hard to get Cisco to where he is today and I am not going to drop the ball now.
I will keep you posted. Thanks for listening.
Our younger son, David, is 14 1/2. He was always a kid with lots of nice friends, kids with involved parents. Even as he moved from elementary school to middle school, the friends he chose always seemed to have a home with a parent who was paying attention......
With a cell and house number I could (and did) call. He played lots of sports: was on 2 baseball and 2 basketball teams. Was the star pitcher. Was a pretty good golfer. He was a "sought after playmate" according to teachers. He was always having friends over, meeting them at the field for games, going to summer camp, ect. All parents whose homes he frequented told me what a great kid he was - always a pleasure and always welcome. School was a slightly different matter; he was diagnosed with ADHD as a young kid, and as having mild dyslexia in about 3rd grade. Because of this, school was always difficult & stressful. I have had hired tutors for him for after school support since 1st grade, and he always responded well to them, and did better because of them. Homework was always a hassle, for the aforementioned reasons. Because of these issues, and because of David's older brother Michael's poor experience with the public high school, we decided last year that a boarding school would be the best option for David's high school. We planned to find one that provided built in academic support for his learning needs, and some built in behavior modification for his somewhat oppositional demeanor. This is still in the works...
Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure, Part II
My husband Mel, son Michael and I were sitting at dinner one night at the beginning of this school year, last fall. David was to be home for dinner, but was late (again) - he had been not coming home for dinner more and more lately. He also had a new crew of friends that Mel and I weren't too thrilled with. They were from a different neighborhood, and from homes that suddenly didn't have numbers that anyone would hand out. The parents didn't seem to care if they met me or knew who I was. We had been talking to David about this, and tried to encourage him to reconnect with some other friends, while understanding a teen's need to try new people, and not be told with whom they can hang out. The phone rings. It's Officer Jones saying he has David in the squad car, that he was high, that he had confiscated marijuana from his possession. I drove to the exact house in the exact neighborhood that I knew this took place. Was told we would be receiving something in the mail. Took David home, screaming my lungs out at him all the way - not the best choice, I now know, but the only thing I could think of at the moment. We grounded him. Took away his telephone. Forbid him to hang out with these undesirable friends...we did our best to sit on him, punish him, limit him socially. David didn't seem to be as rattled about this incident as I expected he would be. So my plan was, when we got something in the mail, I would jump in and make sure he got what he deserved. It seemed to take forever, but finally something arrived that happened to have Val Ketter's name on the letterhead. BINGO. I called and said "I need help with this kid -- he needs to be rattled - can we get him a PO or something, so he understands the seriousness of this situation?" And, that is how I found PSST. Not long after, Val hooked us up with David's PO, Larissa. Larissa is a tough woman, who made sure David knew that it would take her very little to send him to Shuman, which thankfully frightened him. She made David sign a contract to go to rehab at Gateway, to attend school, and to get periodic drug tests. He signed.
Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure, Part III
David went to one-on-one counseling for D & A at Gateway as instructed. He did not stop smoking Marijuana, as his test results clearly showed, so he was referred to the Adolescent program, 3 days per week, 3:30 - 7pm. He started skipping school with these newfound friends, hiding in my basement, breaking in through the basement window when they couldn't get in the house. Smoked pot in the house (out the window), left evidence around. I had him taken to the Magistrate for skipping. He was disrespectful to him, and was therefore given a double fine. Lost a text book for $100. Stole money from us. His accumulated debt, which started with fees incurred by the first incident, now hovers around $1000. We have given him lots of opportunities to work it off, but he refuses. Refuses to be grounded by us ("I don't care, I'm leaving anyway"). He has not played a sport, not even skateboarded. Doesn't want to go to camp this year. His oppositional behavior has become more pronounced, not adjusting his attitude for teachers, principles, magistrates and certainly not his parents. At Gateway, his THC counts rose. He is now considered "Partial", 3 days per week, 3:30 - 9pm,. Refuses to go to AA/NA meetings, which are required. On Wednesday the 24th, David informed me he was suspended from school the following day because he did not attend his after school detention (which, by the way, he received from accumulating several lunch detentions, those received because he either talked back to a teacher, disrupted the class, refused to pull up his jeans, etc). I said he was officially grounded at that time through the day of his suspension. He said "no I'm NOT" , and jumped out of the car (not before asking me for money, to which I said "no") and slammed the door. Mel and I attended the family meeting at Gateway anyway, even though we knew he wasn't going to be there, and discussed with the group our situation. Everyone in attendance - the therapists and other kids said, "he needs to be kicked out of the house, the locks changed, and not allowed back in unless he is willing to follow house rules." He simply hasn't had serious enough consequences to shake him up. Mel and I were ready - we had enough.
Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure: The Final Showdown
With the help of the PSST group and the very brave parents who came before us - along with the guidance and help of the great people at Gateway, we had our final showdown, last Thursday, March 25th. We could never, ever have done this without knowing others who have been through it as well, and lived to tell the tale.
David "came home for a shower" after staying out Wednesday night, even bringing with him his most egregious friend. We stopped him in his tracks and said - "We cannot tolerate your behavior and lack of cooperation any longer. You are no longer allowed in the house unless you plan to follow the house rules. Otherwise, if you go, be prepared to stay out. We are changing the locks today. If you break in, or try to break in, we will call the police". He left.
Even though we feel confident that we did the right thing, the best thing for him in the long run, we are sad, worried, and unsure of what to do next. We haven't seen nor spoken to him since last Thursday. We are hoping that he tires of running from house to house, and will want to come home. I am looking forward to some much needed support from anyone who has been there, done that - as well as talking it out this coming Saturday.
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While we have no magic words in Parenting Skills, we do have words when used with a certain approach, can work like magic. Consider the word "NOW." If we mean it when we say it and if we are prepared to remain in our teenager's face when we say it (without yelling about it) we can see a dramatic shifting of power.
Here's the basic idea: if we can do something to get our teenager's behavior where we want it, without punishing and without bribery or inappropriate rewarding, then we are way ahead of the Who's In Charge Game. For example, your teenager has dirty dishes in his room. You have asked him over and over again to bring the dishes down and it's always the same response: "OK, in a minute." But the minute never comes. As a parent you are getting angrier and angrier and you fear that bugs or rodents might make a move on your teenager's room and of course infest the whole house.
Of course, you can threaten to take his cell phone or his Halo video game if he doesn't clean up his room but then you are into punishment. Of course, we sometimes need punishment in order to hold our teenagers accountable; however, it is much better if we can hold our teenager's accountable without punishment. One way to do this is by saying and meaning the word NOW.
So, how does it work? When you spot the dishes and glasses in his room walk in and confront him by saying something like this:
Dad: Son, I need these dishes and glasses carried downstairs.
Son: I'll get it later Dad, I'm busy playing this game [substitute watching this show or texting this girl].
Dad: [Dad moves in closer to his son so that he is about a foot away but he keeps his voice low and calm and he has good strong eye-contact] Not later Son; I need you to do it now.
Son: I said I was busy Dad I'll get it in a minute![Son is getting a tad louder at this point]
Dad: Regardless, Son I need this carried down now. [Dad is using strong eye contact and now he is narrowing the gap, only about 10 inches from his son now and as he leans in to confront his son you can feel the power. When we did the role-play in group we could all feel the power. You might call it the Power of Command.]
At this point Dad is committed. He must stick with it until the dishes are carried downstairs. He has invoked the sacred word, "NOW" and if he invokes this word and then does not see the task through, then the word may never work the same for him again. It's magic will wane.
Therefore, DO NOT USE THIS WORD unless you really mean it and are prepared to drop everything and stay with your teenager until task is accomplished. No threats are necessary and in fact, threatening at this point might be counter-productive and cause unnecessary resentment.
Threats are overkill. Likewise, once a teenager carries the dishes and glasses downstairs do not follow that up with a lecture or with a punishment. It does not help at that point to say, "See wasn't that easy, don't you wish that you just did that on you own without me having to point it out." That' s sort of rubbing the teenagers' nose in it if you will, and it is now much more gracious to say, "Thanks Son, I appreciate that." Once the teenager has carried the stuff downstairs you are free to give him some positive verbal reinforcement.
The reason that threats and punishments are not necessary is that the Dad has one huge advantage over the teenager. The teenager really really wants the Dad to go away so that he can resume his texting, TV watching, or game playing. Dad, on the other hand has nothing better to do at the moment except stand there and get close to his son's face and keep repeating:
Dad: I want that carried downstairs now Son.
Son: Why? Give me one good reason that crap has to be carried down now.
TRAP ALERT: Yes you have a million good reasons for wanting that stuff carried down right now but don't give him anything other than that's just the way you want it done. That's it. Otherwise, he will debate you endlessly and probably win.
Dad: I need you to carry that stuff down now Son. It's time for carrying not for asking questions.
Son: Give me one good reason why now?
Dad: You need to move that stuff now Son- that's the reason.
Son: That's not a reason.
Dad: Nevertheless, you need to carry these plates and glasses down to the kitchen now, Son.
A parent tried this technique recently and it worked brilliantly for him. He used it with the glasses and plates and food accumulating in his teenagers room, other chores like garbage that needed taken out, and even having some of his clothes returned that the teenager had "borrowed." Teenagers will usually comply with the demand for "NOW" once they realize that the parent is not going away until the task is completed.
Another benefit: using the NOW word and having your teenager comply means that you are the dominant in-charge adult at your house. Now your teen will have accepted that. The more you do this kind of thing the more you establish yourself as the boss. This means that you now speak with the voice of someone who is in charge. More important issues like curfew, drug abuse, hanging with old friends, and disrespectful behaviors are going to be easier to approach because you now speak with the voice of authority. Does that mean these issues won't come up? Of course not. These issues will continue to come up but now you as a parent have the dominant stance and that's going to give you the edge. You are the big dog.
Consider the other way: You nag nag nag your teenager to bring those cups downstairs. He says "OK later," but he never does it. The dishes stack up until one of two things happen. Either all your dishes are now in your teenager's bedroom or you go in and take them downstairs for him. Either way, he is in the dominant position of power and you are in the submissive position. Now you get bigger issues such as curfew, drug abuse, and hanging with old friends.
You tell him that he better straighten up and fly right. Why should he listen to you? You're the same parent who was not strong enough to get him to bring his dishes downstairs so there is no way he is going to come in when you say. He is the big dog of the house now and he knows it.
Who ever said "don't sweat the small stuff" wasn't working with defiant teenagers. It's important to sweat some, but not all, of the small stuff. It keeps you eating out of the big dog dish so to speak.
So get between your teenager and the TV he is watching. Take the cell phone he is texting on if that is going to get his attention. Stay with him until he gets off his butt and takes that garbage out. Sooner or later he will do those things just because he doesn't want you to pull the do it now thing on him and that's when you know two things. One: you are the one in charge. And two: you are teaching your teenager responsibility.
I'm going to write more about other ways to keep your dominant position of power in the next continuing post. Stay tuned for Who is the big dog part-two.
If you've tried this and it's worked for you-please leave us a comment about it.
PART 2 Here is the next part of a mom’s missing memories. Lori shared this in 2008. Her story touches all families of teenage addicts. Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - by Lori "When dealing with a teenage drug addict, you will find many typical teenage events that never happen and many memories that will never be. And regardless of how much we try to force them to be, they still will never be. And there are still many more memories that are painful and we would rather forget…"
To continue with Lori's story, use the link below or click on the title of this post above:
Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - Part 2 of 6 - by Lori
Each week I will post the next entry or you can link to them through the PSST blog.
Thank you Lori - This helps us understand and cope. We are just now going through this realization ourselves at this time.
Rocco
Here is a letter from just one of the many parents who is so thankful to have found the help and dedication she needed from Kathie of Wesley Spectrum, Val & Lloyd of PSST and Lynn from Act 53. We will call her "Ethel" and her daughter "Lucy". (Click play button on black scree to view video.)
From: Ethel PSST Parent
To: Judge Kim Eaton Subject: A heartfelt thanks, Kim
Date: Thu, Oct 22, 2009 10:58 Pm
Attachments: Numerous pictures of Lucy at Graduation and in Navy uniform.
Hi Kim, I hope this can be one of the success stories that make the sometimes-depressing job of presiding over Family Court worth it.
Permit me to thank you. And share. And gloat a little (as a mom).
Lucy graduated Navy Boot Camp a week ago. Had I known the Navy would do in 8 weeks that which I could not do in 18 years, I would have relaxed a little more over all those years. LOL.
Please count us as a “success story.” That never would have happened without so many wonderful people in the Allegheny County Court system.
It was a rough, difficult 16 (or so)years.
You were the first one- who took me on as a client, who believed in my story. And then gave me an affordable way to do this. I never heard an attorney say, “You know this system by now and can handle it on your own. You don’t need to rack up more attorney fees.” Very grateful for that.
Then Lynn Redick from Act 53: Years later, when the fall-out of our divorce really set in, and Lucy went off the deep end; she saved our lives.
Lloyd Woodward, Juvenile Probation Officer extraordinaire. His Boss Val Ketter- they saved our lives. They started the Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST).
And especially Kathie Tagmyer (family therapist) from Wesley Spectrum. There are no words to express my (and Lucy’s) gratitude for how she has helped. She is now working closely with Lloyd and Val with PSST.
All four of them have gone above and beyond the call of duty for me and so many other parents and their children. If there is any award they can be nominated for or more importantly, any funding PSST can receive to help them do their wonderful work, please let me know. I would go to any length to see that they are recognized for what they do. I could also muster dozens of other parents to do the same.
All of you brought this family through some dark days.
Now for the good part: Lucy graduated Navy Boot Camp last week. She is firmly and happily ensconced in Gulfport MS training to be a Seabee. She is a sailor through and through. It is astounding to me that only 2 years ago; this was the daughter who would put cigarettes out in her palm to see if she was drunk enough.
I have always believed a picture is worth a thousand words. I am attaching 2: one before and one after. The first is the day she is leaving for Boot Camp. The second is Navy Boot Camp graduation day. I wish I had a photo from the really dark days- pre Act 53 and rehab. It was much much worse.
You, Lynn, Kathie, Lloyd, and Val will always be carried in my heart. If there is ANYTHING I can do to repay this gift, let me know.
BTW, Lucy’s father also came to her graduation. He was actually tolerable. Without Kathie’s intervention, I don’t think he could have been there for her.
Ethel
 The resoluteness and mindfulness of the parents as they spoke about their teenagers this Saturday was so inspiring to me. I think one particular single mom taught me about tough love and made me realize that I was feeling sorry for myself and my son in our situation. The firm love and dedication of another couple was so apparent that I left the meeting with a new outlook.
As always the meeting helped me tremendously. I wish all parents with issues were there to experience it. Eight parents attended and we were lead by Lloyd, Val and Kathie. After we got an update of each family's situation we learned and laughed with some role-plays.
We were made aware that April 20th is "GET HIGH DAY". Also, on April 17th Jim Musiol from DTx will speak at our Mt Lebanon meeting. He will inform us on what kids do to get a negative reading on drug tests. Parents who attend PSST may purchase drug tests from Jim. These are very accurate drug test used by many agencies and will be sold at a reasonable price. Check out the website http://www.1stepdtx.com/
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We like bumper stickers. The other day we saw one that read:
“Real Men Don’t Ask for Directions”
Sally laughed at me for laughing at it. Well just let me say that if I ever do get LOST, I will ask for directions. Regardless, until I have crossed more than one state line or burned an entire tank of gas, then I am probably not LOST. I feel that I am going exactly the way that I intended to. I will circle around for hours, while saying things like, "Hey, I know we’re in the right neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11" and "Hang on, it looks like I've found a new way to get there." I will even admit that a few weeks back I “found a new way to get there” while ignoring my GPS.
This tendency has been labeled as a stubborn thing, a pride thing, a “lack of trust” thing, a childish thing or a macho thing.
Whatever it is, it is definitely a “Man Thing.”
About a year ago I had to admit that we were totally lost. We were in desperate need for new directions on how to navigate this whole teenage addiction thing. We have been attending PSST meetings since then. We have learned some new skills, taken back control of our lives and have our son on his way to recovery. We have met a lot of caring and concerned people, both professionals and our fellow parents.
Something that we have both noticed though is that the parent that is attending the meeting is typically the Mom. And that is okay. Nevertheless the meetings usually have about 4 or 5 women to each guy. In addition to the case of the Single Mom there are probably other reasons for the Dads not making it in; work, appointments, younger sisters and brothers to care for and, from our very own experience, not wanting to leave our son and our home unprotected. Hopefully this shortage is not a stubborn thing, a pride thing, a “lack of trust” thing, a childish thing or a macho thing.
We would like to have a few more good men attending our PSST Meetings on Saturday morning from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. You are cordially invited to sit in, discuss, contribute, consider some ideas, ask questions, express your point of view and help develop some innovative solutions.
Maybe you can even (shudder at the thought) pick up some new directions.
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Reducing Risk: Understanding the Adolescent Brain Wondering why teens and adults don't see eye to eye? This free conference may help.
Searching for better strategies to protect adolescents?
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Training conferences will be held in four locations : April 7 (State College), April 14 (Stroudsburg), April 20 ( Westmoreland Co. Community College ), and April 23 (Clarion).
For additional details or to register, go to: www.tobaccofreeallegheny.org
The Pennsylvania Department of Health Division of Tobacco Prevention and Control, the Bureau of Drug and Alcohol Programs, and the Department of Education, Division of Student and Safe School Services are jointly sponsoring this training, which is endorsed and supported by the Student Assistance Program (SAP) Interagency Committee.
Participants will receive a copy of the National Institutes of Health (NIH) curriculum series: The Brain: Understanding Neurobiology through the Study of Addiction and related evidenced based materials, as well as a copy of Pennsylvania ’s 100% Tobacco Free Schools Toolkit. Included with the NIH curriculum is a CD Rom containing lesson plans and other materials for use in the class room.
Conference Faculty:
· Cele Fichter DeSando, MPM is the director for prevention at Addiction Medicine Services, Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic (WPIC), UPMC as an author, and national conference presenter with more than 25 years in the field, Ms Fichter-DeSando is an oft- requested trainer on addiction-related topics.
· Marge Modro, MS, CPS is a Commonwealth of PA approved Student Assistance Program trainer for Addiction Medicine Services, WPIC, UPMC. Ms Modro is certified as a Pennsylvania prevention specialist and holds national certification as a crisis management trainer and receives high praise for her evidenced-based trainings.
· Susan Tarasevich, Ed.D is a nationally recognized leader in the design, implementation and evaluation of Student Assistance Programs and is a Commonwealth of PA approved Student Assistance Program trainer for Addiction Medicine Services, WPIC, UPMC. Dr. Tarasevich is sought after for her expertise in the strategic application of research-based principles.
Phyllis Zitzer
Public Health Program Administrator
Division of Tobacco Prevention and Control
Bureau of Health Promotion and Risk Reduction
Pennsylvania Department of Health
625 Forster Street Room 1032 Health & Welfare Building
Harrisburg , PA 17120-0701
Phone: 717-783-6600 Fax: 717-214-6690
Email: pzitzer@state.pa.us
www.health.state.pa.us
During a recent visit with our son at Gateway YES he expressed his unhappiness that his addiction had cheated him out of his teenage years. We strongly agreed with him. We as a family had lost what should have been some of our best memories. A few years ago PSST parent (who we know as Lori) was compassionate enough to post the story of her teen's drug addiction. She wrote about the consequences of his addiction, not just his consequences, but the whole family's. Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - Part 1 of 6 - by Lori “I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family... ...I still need my son to be 9 years old, because I am still waiting for all those teenage things that have yet to happen. I am still waiting for a relationship with my teenage son. Helping him with high school projects, driving him to school because he missed the bus, talking about his friends, a girlfriend, seeing him at school events, helping him pick a suit for the prom, having those special moments with him when everyone else has gone to bed, hanging his senior pictures by his sister’s, talking to him about who to invite to his graduation party and watching him grow into a man. I picture myself spending time with him talking about life, talking about what he wants from life, spending weekends with him visiting universities, and watching him begin to realize his dreams. I am still waiting for those moments. And I continue to search my memory for these events, but they never happened. How can he be 21 years old?"
To start Lori's story, use the link below or click on the titile of this post above:
Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - Part 1 of 6 - by Lori
Each week I will post the next entry or you can link to them through the PSST blog.
Thank you Lori - This is a big help to us. We are just now going through this realization ourselves.
Rocco
A lot was accomplished at the PSST meeting at Trinity Lutheran Church in Wexford this past Saturday. We had eleven parents show up; three of which were new to the meetings. As they told their stories about their teenagers the regular attendees understood well. We also had congratulations for one parent who we haven't seen in a long time. She came to tell us the good news about her son. He graduated from college and has been in recovery for a few years now. Val, Lloyd and Kathie enlightened us with their practical knowledge and helped us through some rough dicisions with their genuine concern.
The role plays really sharpened our ability to deal with our teenagers. They were played out well by several parents. We went over the following techniques: NeverTheLess/Regardless, I'm NOT Comfortable with That, Ask Me Again Ask Me Again. We learned to agree with something the teenager is saying and then twist the conversation around to what they need to hear. One mother in her role-play used the very effective "I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe." routine. We learned also how important our body language is when speaking with our teens.
Rocco and I attended the PSST meeting and then we moved on to Gateway YES to pick up Cisco for his first three hour pass. Lloyd commented on Rocco and my dedication in attending his PSST meeting on the same day that Cisco had a pass. Heck, Rocco and I were there to be empowered. Once again, we were! We used most of the techniques listed above in our three hour visit with Cisco. The visit went well. I will have to get you caught up on Ciscos's story when I get a chance. All is well, hope to see you at the next meeting.
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One of our roleplays featured a parent saying something to the effect of: "Yes, I did report you to your PO and I'll bust your a$$ again to keep you safe from drugs." This was very powerful. This is a talking point that PSST encourages parents to use. See some of our other talking points by clicking on the Talking Points brochure (Ken) on the right side of this post. You can access it in both Word and PDF formats. 1. I will do anything I can to keep you safe. 2. I will not keep secrets for you. 3. I will call the police, your PO, the school, neighbors, your friends parents, or anyone else I think can help me keep you safe from drugs.
These are a few of the messages that are on the Talking Points brochure. Another parent in group mentioned something like, "If you walk out that door I'm going to be on the phone with every parent of each of your friends and I'm going to tell them that you don't listen to me, that you continue to do illicit drugs, and that they should really take a good look at what their teens are up to." This was not a roleplay, but this is what she actually told her teenager who was trying walk out the door. He didn't go.
Also, Lori was at our meeting. This is her pen name and if you would like to read some of her writings on our blog, Rocco just reprinted the first of a six part series that Lori wrote a while back. Also, you can put "Lori" in our search window in the upper left hand corner. One of the things she said at our meeting in response to a parent who was asking "Why did my teen say ______?" Paraphrasing her response: "Your teenager just wants to manipulate you. You take what he said seriously and respond in a thoughtful manner. Meanwhile, as you are talking to your teen, all he hears is "Blah, blah, blah" and what he's thinking is "How can I get 20 bucks off this bi!@#." It was a funny moment.
At one point Lori was telling a new parent that she needs to be more concerned about her teens drug problem than she is about the possibility that he might have a juvenile record. Of course, at PSST we agree with that; and yet, we appreciate that parents are concerned about the possibility of a juvenile record.
Val pointed out that Consent Decrees carry no Juvenile Record and that teens with Misdemeanors can have their records expunged just by going downtown to the Family Court House and signing a piece of paper. I think this is a good subject for a separate post. At the least we should add that to the Should I get My Teen a PO post.
 Contributed by an anonymous single mom
When I first realized that drug testing was going to be yet another part of my single-mom job description, I really wanted a do over, because well—yuck.
I’m still waiting for my “17 again” reprieve, but I did figure out a way to use the past even if I never get to revisit it. Here’s what happened:
In the beginning, I thought that the whole "single mom of a teenage son" situation meant that this new opportunity for life experience would be too weird to handle properly. Then I remembered the good old days when my biggest problem seemed to be my plumbing. What I learned from that mess was about to serve me in fresh ways, back then my plumber had me use green dye tablets to see if the water from my toilet tank was migrating to the bowl. You can imagine my joy when I realized that I could use food coloring, leftover from cookies and craft projects, in much more inventive ways. And you know what they say; it really is good to create new memories with your child.
So, here’s the process: I turn off the water to the house first. It’s an old house, and I’m the only one who knows where the valve is. I do this for two reasons. First, I eliminate the flushing and refilling problem. Second, I do not want to get him mad when he inevitably isn’t as interested in this version of family time as I am, but I do know that he’ll want to get a shower eventually. So I tell him, “I can turn on the water as soon as you fill the cup,” as if I won’t have the ability to find or move the water valve until the cup gives the missing skills back to me. Perfect.
I flush the toilets after turning off the valve to remove as much water in the tank and bowl as possible. That’s probably just overkill. Like the Chicago River on St. Patrick’s Day, one flush by your offspring probably isn’t going to get rid of all that green. But I digress. Just like any plumber would tell you, coloring toilet water only requires a few drops in the tank and bowl of every toilet, which makes me grateful for my more modest circumstances and limited number of bathrooms.
So, I hope that if the going gets weird for you, you can use this handy tip to make family memories you’ll never forget either. Note, if you get bored, change colors. Just think of what you could do on President’s Day even in a 1 1/2 bath home. Or maybe there’s a scrapbooking opportunity here. I haven’t thought it through.
Comment From The Editor:
Thank you for the very interesting idea for the single moms in our group when they need to give their teenage son a urine drug test. A.) Locate the main water valve and turn it off. B.) Place 3-4 drops of food coloring in each toilet bowl and toilet tank. C.) flush the toilet(s) in your house to empty the tank D.) Be prepared for an unhappy teenager who will cooperate only because you promise him the use of the shower. E) If you get a positive reading on the test; seek the help which your son needs. Sally
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Emily has earned many off-campus visits with me, has had 2 successful day passes at home, and may have an overnight visit this weekend or next. She is up to level C now and doing fairly well in RTF. She still involves herself in others' business and is still overly concerned with the "fairness" of how she is treated compared to the other residents and often gets in trouble for voicing her feelings or acting out inappropriately in response.
She has been put on Lithium by the psychiatrist at the RTF, which I initially was originally very apprehensive about. I mean, that was a drug they used in Mental Hospitals! How could they put her on that? But, I have noticed a remarkable change in her since being on it, so who am I to interfere? I also hate the idea of "substituting" one drug for another which is how I view it, personally. However, I am not a doctor nor a Behavioral Health professional, nor an addiction professional, so I am letting them take charge here, and stepping out of their way, which can be difficult for me to do as a single mom who always calls the shots.
Emily is in school at the RTF and continues to struggle. But she is putting forth the effort towards her classes. She is still overly social with the boys and gets up and leaves class whenever she gets bored or overwhelmed, to pass notes to the boys or just to walk around the halls. They are working on ways to combat that. One way is to have her earn free-time on the school's computer where she can do her photography and other things except go on-line. Another thing we all agreed on was that if her behavior for the week was really bad, then I would cut my visit short that weekend. We did that 2 weeks ago and I only stayed for a couple hours. That seemed to hit home.
Emily has her Consent Decree hearing on May 3rd. That is when it expires. They are only good for a year. On May 11th, Emily will have been gone for a whole year. It is hard for me to comprehend that. A year! I still miss her. I do. And it has taken a long time, but the pain of not being with her has been replaced with a sense of relief that she is NOT home doing drugs, having boys over the house while I am at work, trashing the house, or breaking the law. I really didn't expect to feel this way. The first few months, I cried myself to sleep every night and wrote to her a couple times a week. There was such a hole in my heart. I was lonely for my daughter. I missed her smell, her pretty face, her singing in her room, us snuggling together, or watching movies on Friday nights. But I came to realize that those were the few good times we had, and the bad times were more prevalent. When your child is away, you tend to glorify the good times because you miss them, while forgetting the bad times. I have found it necessary to remind myself of the bad times, to keep myself in check, as well as to keep HER in check.
She still tries to play the victim. I do not accept that at ALL anymore. I did at the beginning because Emily was a victim of sexual abuse as a small child. But, I cannot keep doing that because it doesn't help her. It gives her an excuse to not succeed. I can't let her do that anymore. She will never make any real progress if she keeps believing she is a victim. Until she stops playing the victim and takes her recovery into her own hands, and allows the professionals to show her how, she won't get better or heal.
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How nice it was....We had a great turnout of parents and professionals in attendance. There was a whopping turnout of seventeen (17) parents. Some were familiar and others were brand new.
Val and Lloyd and Cathy were there as usual but we were also fortunate enough to have two professionals from C.I.S.P. in attendance. They were Marvin Randall and Ron Bell. Marvin heads up the Community Intensive Supervision Program which services the Wilkinsburg, McKeesport, Garfield, Homewood and the Hill District. It was good to see some new faces for even though all our stories are similar they are not the same and new wisdom is always conveyed.
I was introduced to a single mom who has some insight into "How to Drug Test Your Son" (It can prove embarassing to give a urine test to an adult son and she had a simple way to make sure the test speciman was his!) Look for her post which may be coming soon! Because of the full room we had time for only one role-play but we role-played it two ways. (One) With the teenager being in control and using the GIMME THREE STEP METHOD, NEVER THE LESS/REGARDLESS & I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT methods (two) With the teenager being out of control and using the WE ARE GOING TO BE NICE ENOUGH TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE ARE GOING TO HAND YOU OVER TO THE JUVENIAL COURT SYSTEM method. We had a newbee play the out of control teenager and he "brought down the house"! Bravo to him. In summation, my fellow-mom who sat next to me stated that "Our kids may always be manipulative" and yes, they probably will, therefore we must always and persistantly continue to keep the power in our homes. Thank you PSST for showing us the way to keep the power.
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Sometimes You Gotta Break a Few Eggs to Make an Omelet! For new visitors let me explain that one year ago Sally and I were about to crack. We had an addict for a teenage son (we call Cisco). We had tried various forms of counseling, out-patient therapy and 12-Step Meetings for three years and it was not working. In fact Cisco was slipping deeper into the world of drugs and becoming more and more out of control. We were not only considering Act 53 (involuntary commitment of minors into drug and alcohol treatment) for him but we were seriously beginning to ask about how we could make Cisco a Ward of the State. We didn’t think we would ever get our lives or our home back in order and we were not sure how much longer Cisco would survive. He had already overdosed twice by age 16.
In our search we found PSST and have been regularly attending PSST meetings for ten months. They have guided us to professional resources for assistance for our son and for ourselves. We have also connected with a lot of other parents having very similar experiences with their teenagers. There are other very good Help Groups in the area (you can find links to some of them on the right side of the page) but we have found this group to be the one that suits us best.
Please consider attending a PSST Saturday morning meeting if for no other reason other than to VENT your feelings with others that understand what you are going through. You will be reassured, as we were, to see a number of parents nodding in agreement as you tell your story. Within a month or so of attending the PSST meetings we found an amazing thing – Sally and I regained our ability to laugh again. This was a big turning point that we weren’t sure we would ever reach. We, as well as our son, still have a way to go to on the road to healing (with some speed bumps, some usual and possibly unusual detours and plenty of potholes ahead) but we now have our GPS set for Recovery.
On the left side of this page you will find directions to the PSST Saturday morning meetings. On the right side of this page you will notice some links titled “Recommended Posts” and “Key Role-Plays”. A lot of these are based on discussions in the PSST meetings and address subjects and topics common to parents of addicts. They go back to 2001 and contain a lot of experience and wisdom.
One that I have keyed in on several times is “Breaking a Few Eggs” from March, 2007.
The post goes into how we as parents of addicts tend to “walk on eggshells” to keep peace and order in our lives. Our tiptoeing at least provides us “the perception” of peace and order in our lives. Just for the record, let me clarify that I was the one that thought that this was the better approach. Sally learned early on to be a little more direct and frank with Cisco and tended to “stomp on eggshells” to make sure she got her point across to him.
Cisco, like most addicts, needed to be the one in control. He would "play nice" with us as long as it got him what he wanted. But whenever challenged he would get loud, agressive and agitated. This had the effect that he wanted. We sympathized, reassured, apologized, commiserated, comforted and encouraged him just as all good parents do.
To put it into one simple phrase – We Enabled him.
To paraphrase the previous post: …all of our apologies, statements of love, and determination to “understand” were seen as a sign of weakness by our teenager. He played along of course. He understood this game well. The name of the game is “How Many Ways Can I Make This MOM and Dad’s FAULT?
In the last 10 months Cisco has been arrested, voluntarily entered inpatient treatment, violated probation, visited Shuman Center and juvenile court a few times, been on house arrest for a month, successfully completed an Intensive Outpatient Program, attended a lot of 12 Step Meetings, relapsed, gone into a second inpatient treatment facility and has matured quite a bit. He is scheduled to take his G.E.D. this month and is beginning to think about his future. The drug induced fog is starting to lift and Cisco is beginning to “get it.”
During this same time Sally and I, with the help of PSST, have been going through our own recovery process. The abuse and chaos of the last few years is settling we are regaining real peace and order in our lives. But NOT by “walking on eggshells” this time around. Sally and I now “get it” too.
Breaking eggs does not make us bad parents.
We now are dealing with Cisco being placed in a halfway house before returning home. We presented it to him and he didn’t like it. We felt bad but we got over it. Cisco did very well controlling his anger but still tried his best to “guilt us”. We felt bad again, but you know what? We got over it again.
To borrow from the post again: “…we can break a few eggs. In fact, we can break a few on purpose. Why? Because we come to understand that our child’s well being is not fostered by the whole “tiptoe around the eggs thing.” Furthermore, our teenager is not the only one that needs to express a few feelings! As parents, we need to express some things too!”
We realize that if Cisco is going to believe that we have truly changed, then we better show him some of these changes while he is still in placement.
We need to take risks in order to have any chance of helping our teenager make good decisions.
We need to be strong, take-the-bull-by-the-horns parents, who do not shy from confrontation.
“We need to break a few eggs.”
Hope These Books are Helpful to You.
1.How to Tell When Kids Are in Trouble with Alcohol/Drugs - Hazelden/Johnson Institute - ISBN # 1562461427
2.Parents, It's Not Your Fault - Beverly J. Skogland - ISBN # 0894865501
3.Acceptence-A Way to Serenity and Peaco of Mind - Vincent P. Collins -ISBN#087029072x
4.Recovery of Chemically Dependent Families - Hazelden/Johnson Institute - ISBN#0935908390
5.Detachment - The Art of Letting Go While Lilving With an Alcoholic - Evelyn Leite - ISBN# 0935908021
6.Chemical Dependence and Recovery, A Family Affair - Hazelden/Johnson Institute - ISBN# 0935908005
7.The Dynamics of Addiction - George A. Monn MD - ISBN # 0935908382
8.The Family Enablers - Hazelden/Johnson Institute - ISBN # 0935908099
9.Choices and Consequences, What To Do When a Teenager Uses Alcohol/Drugs - Dick Shaefer ISBN # 0935908420
10.Addictive Thinking - Abraham J. Twerski MD - ISBN # 1568381387
11.Codependent No More - Melody Beattie - ISBN # 0894864025
12.Beyond Codependency - Melody Beattie - ISBN # 0894865838
13.Alcoholics Anonomous -Big Book - Alcoholics Anonomous World Services, Inc.
14.Adult Children of Alcoholics - Janet Woititz - ISBN # 1558741127
15.It Will Never Happen to Me - Claudia Black Ph.D./MSW - ISBN # 1568387989
16.Under the Influence - Ketchum - ISBN # 9780553274875
17.Beyond the Infuence - Ketchum - ISBN # 0553380141
18.Boundaries, When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life - Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend ISBN # 0310247454
19.The Selfish Brain - Dupont - ISBN # 1568383630
(Please Click on Above Title to link to another post about reading material.)
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The Spell Has Been Broken - Part Two
One has to Repeat Breaking the Spell every day. Your teenager will keep guilting you and tugging at your heartstrings and doing whatever he/she can do to be in control. So even when you state: The Spell Has Now Been Broken; it is something that has to be worked on every day in order for it to stay broken. I can feel the frustration in some of your comments and believe me, I've been there.
As you know in my last post, Cisco did not want us to stay for the Saturday visit and we left after 5 minutes. I did great on Saturday but on Sunday I had to remind myself to stay busy and not dwell on missing him. I did that and it was not easy but I am getting better at it each time. We went to see him on Tuesday because he called and asked if we were coming. He was a little more receptive even though he was still unhappy about the possibility of a half-way house for his next step in recovery.
When I asked if we should come out to visit this coming Saturday he said 'No, I am always in a bad mood on Saturdays, but maybe if I get to go to an N.A. meeting this week I'll want company.' So he left it open... I think he wants to see us but he is struggling because he is losing control of us.
Rocco and I talked about it. He is allowed a phone call tonight (Friday). If he calls tonight and asks us to visit on Saturday, we will go. If not, Rocco and I are going shopping for a bike rack so we can enjoy bicycling this spring; provided of course, there is an END to WINTER!
I'm sure it is very hard to be a single mom and to go through all the drama that happens with an addict but please look at the positive side about that. You do not have to agree with anyone about any decisions. You get to call all of the shots. It is nice to have someone to lean on during these troubles but when there are two parents involved both have to work hard to "be on the same page".
I like the comment about - becoming aware that your teenager has taken control - awareness is the first step in getting the control back.
Here are some suggestions of things to do to keep busy and therefore be less focused on your teen. a.) take a credit or non-credit class. b.) plan a mini vacation. c.) throw a small party. I am having a 'We Want Winter to Go Away' Party. d.) Learn something new. e.) Volunteer at your local hospital, school or church. f.) If you are single, go out on a date. g.)If you are married, go out on a date with your spouse. h.) Look up a friend who you lost contact with, then reunite. i.) I encourage you to write a post for this blog, it is very helpful to put your feelings down and your thoughts in order. Use a pen name, no one will know who you are and I bet ninety percent of the people who read this are in the same boat and will understand. I know some of the above suggestions will only work while your child is in placement, such as b.) go on a mini vacation. You can't do that and leave your teenager at home, for goodness sake. You don't know what condition your house will be in when you get back home. Just do whatever you can do, whenever you can do it, to keep your life as normal as possible. Addiction is a family disease it does affect the whole family. Hang in there.
I have to get to work now but next time I will compile a list of good reading material.
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There seems to be a general concensus among the mothers of addicts that I have met; they confess that they are enablers. It seems that it is not just in our feminine make-up but society itself that expects it of us.
Cisco knows I am a softy and why shouldn't I be? He is my son and I love him and want him to be happy......So far, he has been in treatment at Gateway YES for 30 days. We had his ISP meeting this past Wednesday. One of the subjects that came up at this meeting is the question of his aftercare. It is natural that when one sees their child working very hard at a program and doing all that he should be doing, being calm and polite and loving. Reading and studying and praying and working on the 12-steps carefully one step at a time; it is natural to wistfully sigh and say aaaww I want him to come home and do just this at home. Cisco wants to be home so bad and he will be happy. Rocco will be happy and I will be happy.
Will he work his program as well at home? You suddenly recall an incident or two of when your teenager was using drugs and this ugly mental image is your saving grace.
The spell is broken. You realize that you must focus on one particular objective. You know your child needs to stay clean and sober, hopefully forever. You know that you don't have enough experience to draw from so you rely on the experts whose care he is in to recommend whatever treatment they see most fit for your son's recovery.
Cisco wants so much to come home. And I knew that it would be suggested he go to a halfway house called Liberty Station after his stay at Gateway YES to help ensure his success. I opted not to visit him the day before his ISP meeting so that he did not have a chance to beg me with those big, sad, brown eyes. Maybe even beg me to insist to his P.O. and therapist that he should be home with us. I am very fortunate to be married to Rocco, he understood this and did not mind going to visit Cisco on his own. They had a nice converstion and Cisco asked him about coming home but did not plead or beg etc. Hhhmmm, funny how he doesn't plead with Rocco as much.
When we walked into the meeting on Wednesday, Cisco gave me an ink drawing which he made in memory of his grandma, my dear mom who died two years ago. It was carefully drawn and very beautiful so he had me crying before the meeting even started. Cisco was very prepared for the ISP meeting and presented himself very well. He did not like the mention of Liberty Station but we explained that it is not for certain but it is likely that he will go there. He said he will go if we tell him he has to. Toward the end of the meeting I thought it would be easier to stay in control of my emotions if I flip over the beautiful drawing which reminded me of my mom. I flipped over the paper and saw the words......... push me away.
The tears started to fall and I asked if Rocco and I could spend a few minutes alone with Cisco.
After I got control of myself again I let Cisco know that I understood how hard it is to be in a treatment facility and we love him and do not want to push him away. Never the less we will do whatever is best for his long-term recovery. That needs to be our focus.
There are visiting hours on Saturday. Rocco and I were late getting there because we were at our PSST meeting. Cisco had been napping but they called him out of his room when we finally arrived almost an hour late. He gave each of us a hug but had very little to say except that he thought we were not coming. We tried to strike up a conversation but he said he was very tired and wanted to sleep. So our visit lasted 5 minutes and we each hugged again and Rocco and I left. It was sad. I am not going to say that Cisco was trying to guilt us, he really was half asleep. The only part of this situation that I could control is how I react. I think Rocco expected me to cry when the elevator door closed. I did not cry. I put my arms around Rocco and I said. "It's you and me kid. What do you want to do for the rest of this beautiful day?" Rocco smiled. He had many suggestions. He appreciated that I was in control of my emotions. I was not going to let Cisco get to me.
When a couple has a teenager who is an addict, the addict takes control of the household.
In our household that SPELL IS NOW BROKEN. Cisco is no longer in control. For several years we could not go anywhere without worrying. There were many special events that we could not attend. We even cancelled a small but very special trip for our 30th anniversary because of Cisco's problem. It is time to put the control back into our hands. When that elevator door closed and I let Rocco know that Cisco did not have me upset it was a huge difference from my normal reaction. Cisco was not the center of attention; Rocco was. This is my new norm. This is how it should be. The Cisco spell is now broken.
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South Hills PSST Meeting was attended by 7 parents and 5 professionals.
(Professionals are officers, therapists and directors)
After the opening announcements everyone had a chance to introduce themselves and tell as little or as much as they wished to tell about their teenager/parental relationship. There was a storehouse of information and knowledge and wisdom and laughter that was exchanged.
After a fifteen minute break we continued with two role-plays: 1.) Teenager Who Uses Persuasive Methods in Order to Get What They Want 2.) Parents Reaction when an Adult Child Wants to Come Home. We had four other suggestions for role-plays but ran out of time. They will be played out in the upcoming meetings. The other role-play suggestions were as follows: A.) I'M 18, I DON'T NEED A CURFEW. Treat me like an adult, give me freedom and let me make my own decisions. (Just keep cooking, cleaning up after me and giving me free room and board.)
B. ) How to Stop Enabling
C. ) Don't come and visit me (while I am in inpatient)....unless you change your mind about putting me in a halfway house.
D. ) My girlfriend is moving in with us mom!!
Thanks to all who attended this successful meeting. I know I walked away feeling empowered and hope you did also. The snacks were delicious and nutritious. The cheesecake was out-of-this world.
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On January 19th you heard from Rocco and he filled you in on Cisco's relapse. Cisco is controlling his anger and acting calm when we visit him at Gateway YES. He is doing eerything possible to get out and get home. He was angry with his PO and had his own ideas for his future.
Then something happened.....
He was told to write his 'Drug Use History.' He filled page after page with the drugs he used and how they affected him. When we visited him two Sunday's ago he as not as angry with Lloyd as he was with himself. He was mad that he let so much of his teen years waste away. We told him to remember the addiction just well enough to keep him from going down that path again but to forget it enough so that he could move on to something better. He seemed to understand that and slowly shook his head, yes.
He said he spends most of his free time reading and asked us to bring some books on the life of Eminen. (You know him, he is the (c) rap artist who grossed way too much money last year.) Rocco and I believe that impared reading is better than no reading at all so we set off to the library and picked up two biographies on Eminen and slipped in a mystery novel which looked interesting. Cisco read the two books he asked for and now started the novel.
We received a letter from Cisco and he apologized for all the heartache he caused us by his selfishness. He also sent us the lyrics for a rap song which he wrote expressing these feelings.
Because of the blizzard we were unable to visit Cisco this Saturday so he had some additional time to be introspective. Looking within is serving Cisco well and he now has a plan for his future. He has decided to work on obtaining a GED instead of going back to Tenth Grade. When we visited him this tuesday he said he wanted to break off ties with his girlfriend and his main priority when he gets out of rehab is to get a job and apply for Community College and not to look up all of his old friends. HE does not consider everyone his friend anymore. Cisco said that when he gets out he has the option of living at Liberty Station, which is a halfway house, or at home. Cisco said he wants to come home. At this point, I did not say anything, but when this subject comes up again I am going to ask him to think hard about this and to choose the place where he feels he will have the best chance of staying clean.
He has come to the conclusion that Lloyd is okay and really does have his best interest at heart. We have all heard that it is imperative for addicts to change people, places and things to be successful in their recovery. One can only smile when someone repeats to you all that you have been telling them over and over again but now they have heard it anew.
Cisco has been in rehab for twenty-one days. He is still calm and he is saying everything he should say. I just hope and pray he means it enough that when he gets out it will turn into action and this action will turn into a new way of life.
Sally
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So here we go again. Our son has relapsed and had yet another opportunity to visit Shuman Center (his fourth visit since October). Cisco is leaving Shuman today for the inpatient program at Gateway YES. I feel strangely disconnected. I am not angry or sad maybe a bit disappointed but not really surprised.
Cisco came out of his summer inpatient program in August and went into a 90 day outpatient program. He went back to high school to redo 10th grade and regularly attended 3 or 4 N.A. meetings per week. He hit a few bumps in the road to recovery which resulted in, as I noted, somewhere around 2 or 3 weeks total in detention and being on a home monitor for about 30 days.
Let note that Cisco has worked hard and has improved greatly since last spring. Nevertheless we keep reminding ourselves that it has only been 6-1/2 months since he began his recovery and we are still learning how to be parents of an addict. Within days of successfully completing his IOP Cisco tested positive for THC but he says that he doesn’t understand what our problem is and that his P.O. is out to put him away. With the help and encouragement of all of our friends at PSST, we kind of knew what to expect and we are sure that we are headed in the right direction. We are determined to learn more about his addiction and the Gateway Yes program and we will try to discern what will be the best moves to make for Cisco so that he has the best possible chance to get himself out of the mess he got himself into.
Even though Cisco has memorized the steps to his recovery he is not ready to comply with the program. He is not ready to accept that his addiction problem is his fault, he cannot turn control of his life over to anyone especially a “higher power”, he has a very hard time following rules, he cannot give up old fiends and old places and he has a great skill at twisting words around.
For example, he explains how even though he continues failing most of his classes at school he is doing great and will have no problem catching up and passing. He enlightens us as to how everyone at his N.A. meetings agree that there is no problem with relapsing so it is not a big deal if he does. He assures us that he needs to hang out with his old friends because they are the only ones who can understand him. He can’t understand why we freak whenever he disappears for 4 or 5 hours to “hang out”.
Also, he advises us how he is going to complete his 90 days at Gateway YES with flying colors and get right back to doing what he wants to do. He told us last night that recovery programs have nothing to teach him and that this is nothing more than a 90 day punishment. He was even detailing out how his upcoming home visits should go. He is the Energizer Bunny – he just keeps going and going.
So today we start down a new road – we will keep you updated on how this part of our journey goes.
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