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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
(This article was originally posted 3/29/2010. It's just as appropriate today!)
I don't know why what happens inside cars are so important. I just know that what happens inside PSST cars is very important.
The car is an intimate place. We are all crowded together. And we don't usually just get mad and walk away, although that can happen. Usually we are committed to remain together until we reach our destination.
Unless we own guns, the car is the most powerful thing we own or operate. It is a deadly piece of equipment. The car is the most dangerous place to which any of us go. Therefore, the dog who takes control of the car-situation is, in fact, the dog that is in control.
It doesn't just mean the dog who is driving, but it does mean the dog who is "driving things." That dog is in control of not only the car but also he is the leader of the pack. Otherwise, why would he be the one in control when we are at our most dangerous and in someways intimate place? Instinctively, teenagers know this.
Think of a pack of dogs. Suddenly they are in danger. They are attacked by enemies. Who takes charge of things when the pack is in danger? Exactly.
Now think of your family. Who gets mad and starts arguments in the car? Who controls the car radio? Who controls where he sits or where other people sit? Be honest. Far too many times we adults abrogate that "dog-in-charge" role to our teenagers. They call "shotgun." They choose that to which everyone will listen. They choose the car-time to pick arguments, almost as if they know how vulnerable the adults are since they will sometimes do anything to NOT argue in the car.
For example, how dare you try to control your own radio? Who do you think you are? Don't you know that music is important to your teenager? Don't you know that only he, not any other other family members, understand music? Don't you know that your teen just HAS to hear that song again. I mean they really care about it don't they? You on the other hand can hear your NPR or old-people music anytime you are in your car! You don't have to listen to it now, not when they need to hear that one song!
Part of what is going on is that we are all crowded into a small place. If you crowd dogs into a small place there is a good chance that the pack hierarchy will be evident real fast.
Here's the thing to consider. Whoever is the Top Dog when they get out of that car - that dog is going to act like they are the Top Dog everywhere else too. This is a good and a bad thing. It is a bad thing because our teenagers are more aggressive when it comes to calling Shot Gun, controlling the radio, and starting arguments.
However, it is a good thing because once we understand how important it is, we can control our own car! Especially, we can control our own car if we are driving. How? Easy! We have a secret weapon in the car, one that we probably very rarely use. It's call the Brake Pedal and it's on the floor right next to the accelerator!
We can use our secret weapon anytime to demonstrate that we are indeed in charge of our own car. We can stop arguments just by stopping the car (pull over first of course) and calmly stating that "we won't be going anywhere until things are quiet in here." Just let them know that it needs to be quieter in order for you to operate the car safely.
The first or second time you do this it might take five or ten minutes for things to settle down and for the other family members to "get it" that you are in charge of your own car. Once they "get it" they will settle down real fast. If there is one thing teens hate, it's just sitting still in a parked car along the road. They hate it ten times more than you hate it.
Of course, there is going to be some sulking once things quiet down. Sulking is important. It's actually a submissive posture and so TRANSLATED the sulking means: "Oh, so you're in charge now? Great. That sucks." It means you've won for the moment. You've established that you are in charge; all too soon the sulking will pass. Allow yourself to enjoy the small victory, don't allow yourself to be consumed by guilt that you had to exert a little leadership and pressure on the teens. It will pass soon and you will remain the Top Dog of your car if you consistently apply your secret weapon.
By the way, it really is not safe to argue in the car anyway.
As to the radio, you may not need your secret weapon for this. Just turn it off. Say something like:
Mom: No, not right now. [Turning off the radio.]
Daughter: I HAVE to hear that one song! [Turning radio back on.]
Mom: No, not right now. [Turning off the radio.]
Daughter: MOM! I have to hear that!
TRANSLATED: "I am in charge here, not you!"
Mom: No, not right now. [Turning off the radio.]
TRANSLATED: "You just think you are in charge- but you are mistaken- I am in charge."
Once you start this battle you must win. You must win it everytime. Otherwise don't even start the argument because if you start to do battle and then you give in- you have just agreed that they are the Top Dog. Better to act like you don't care about it if you are not prepared to win.
If necessary, and usually for the radio it will not be necessary, you have your secret weapon that we already discussed. Just pull over and state that the car won't go until the radio is off and it better stay off!
Be the Top Dog in your car and you will find that your pack still thinks of you as the Top Dog when you are not in your car. Afterall, if you can control the MOST DANGEROUS situation, you can control the other situations. If you can't then you'll be treated as though you are not the Top Dog. You might even be seen as the puppy-dog driver.
Continuing: Next Part III on how to be the Top Dog.
Read More......
Lloyd originally created this post on March 14, 2012. The topic of how to deal with your teen using your car while s/he is not behaving responsibly (using drugs, for example) is one that resurfaces regularly in our parents' group meetings. This article provides some excellent insights on how to address that problem. Jenn
We have talked at PSST many times about the "Agree with One or Two Things First" technique. This is the technique where you look for things to agree on when you are discussing a contentious topic with your teenager, instead of automatically looking for the reasons why your teen’s reasons, expectations or demands are irrational (or even downright ridiculous). Finding a way to agree with our teenagers can help to defuse a potentially explosive situation, reinforce our boundaries, and model adult behavior, while taking steps to build greater intimacy with our teens.
A PSST mother once offered me the best reason why more parents don’t adopt this technique more readily. "I want to be genuine. This doesn't feel genuine."
That's right. This approach will not feel genuine. In fact, let's face it – it feels phony. I don't have a good response for that one.
Any approach that is new will feel phony. The only thing that is going to feel genuine is the same old approach (and I might add, the same old approach that has NOT been working). Add to that the fact that the "Agree with One or Two Things First" technique purposely leaves some things out of the conversation until later, which of course adds to the feeling of being phony.
Keep these 3 things in mind:
1. Keep to your boundaries. Don't mislead, don't over-agree. Just agree
with a "slice" of what your teenager is saying and don't offer too
much agreement if it would take you outside of your comfort zone.
For example, if he is excited about
getting his license at age 18, and is pressuring you about letting him drive
your car, agree that being 18 is a BIG deal. Agree that driving is really fun. Agree that having a license and not having a
car to drive would be really frustrating. Agree – if you believe it – that he
will eventually become a good driver
If you're not sure about that last one,
then don't offer it. Be careful however not to agree that he needs to have access
to a car as part of growing up, because unless you agree with that, it's not
only phony but it's misleading and deceitful.
2. When you are pressured to give an
answer – give one. That is the perfect time to not pull any punches. If you
stick to your boundaries, what could be more genuine?
Teen: So, you're saying that as soon as I get my license, you’ll
let me drive your car?
Mom:
Well, I'm not comfortable saying that.
Teen:
Well that's what you and Dad have been promising me for months!
Mom:
We have?
Teen:
Yeah, you said that I could get my license, and then I could drive your car.
Mom:
You are right, we did agree with you that once you turned 18, you could get
your driver’s license on your own. We
knew that you wouldn’t even need any help from us to do that.
Teen:
So, that means you'll let me drive your car, right? After all, what good is a license if I can’t
even drive?
Mom:
Yes, I see you're point and it's a good one – if I agreed with you that you
could get your license when you turned 18, then why wouldn't I want to let you
drive my car?
Teen:
Yeah, exactly!
Mom:
I'm sorry. I think I misled you. But I'm really happy that you are bringing
this up so we can talk about it. I think it's important for me to be clear with
you about this.
Teen:
OK? So? What? Tell me already!
Mom:
I have a little problem with this part.
Teen:
What?
Mom:
You're not going to like my answer because it's not the answer that you are
looking for, and we know that it's a big challenge for you to hear an answer
that you don't like. A huge challenge especially because this driving thing is
going to be so important for you.
Teen:
I knew it. You were just lying! You were never planning to let me drive your
car at all. There's no sense in us talking about this anymore.
Mom:
Yeah, this is going to be a tough one for you. Let's talk about it later - good
idea.
Teen:
I already know what you're going to say anyway.
Mom:
Yes, I've noticed that.
Teen:
Noticed what?
Mom:
You're very good at predicting what your dad and I are going to say about
things. You know us really well and even when we don't want to come right out
and say something, maybe because we fear that it will upset you- you still do
an excellent job of "reading" us.
Teen:
See, I knew you wouldn't let me drive your car.
Mom:
You're right. And you probably know
exactly why we feel that way too. I bet
none of our reasons would surprise you.
In summary, try to think of the
"not genuine" issue as being more an issue of timing. You're just
giving him the same information while you continue to agree with a lot of the
stuff that he is saying- but your boundary is that you are Not Comfortable with him driving
your car just because he got his license, and that does not change.
3. Buy some time for yourself.
You don't have to know exactly what to say as soon as your teen pressures you.
Teen:
So, I can drive your car as soon as I get my license, right?
Mom:
Wow! Good question. I'm not sure what to say about that one.
Teen:
What does that mean?
Mom:
Well, you just surprised with that question, that's all.
Teen:
Why? I’ve been telling you for months, that as soon as I turned 18, I was going
to get my driver’s license. So of course
I need a car to drive!
Mom:
I wasn't even thinking of it that way – I mean with you disappearing from our
house for days at a time, being truant from school on a regular basis, and not
testing clean on your drug tests, I just didn't even think that was something
you’d be expecting.
Teen:
Well, that’s ridiculous! Why would I
even get a license if I can’t drive your car?
Mom:
Yeah, well that’s a good question.
Teen (changing tactics):
I think it would be good for me to have a car to drive.
Mom:
How's that?
Teen:
Well, if I have something to look forward to, like driving your car, I could
probably be more responsible and, you know, I could stay off drugs better if
thought you'd take the car off me anytime I tested dirty.
Mom:
Oh, so what you're saying is that if you had a car to drive, that would be the
answer to a lot of the troubles we've been having?
Teen:
Exactly. So can I?
Mom:
Oh I really don't know about all that, but what you say is interesting and I
have to tell you son, I have never looked at it that way before.
Teen:
What do you mean?
Mom:
Well, I've only thought of you driving my car as another problem-area; I've
never ever thought of you having a car as a solution to a problem.
Teen:
You can count on me! I’ll go to school
every day. I’ll stick around on
weekends. And I will definitely stop
using drugs.
Mom:
I’m so glad you understand the behavior that we expect from you.
Teen:
So, I can do it then, right?
Mom:
You want an answer right now on that?
Teen:
Yeah.
Mom:
Just like that?
Teen:
Just like that. I'm tired of having to wait all the time for answers.
Mom:
It's true. It's seems like most of the time all the adults in your life are
saying, "I'll get back to you on that one." That's got to be
frustrating.
Teen:
It is. So, just tell me already, before I get really mad.
Mom:
OK, well [moving in closer and lowering her voice.] As much as I like your
courage for even suggesting that driving my car could be an answer to our
problems, I'd have to say it would be a cold day in hell before I let you drive
my car anytime soon. Ok? That straight up enough for you?
Teen:
Why not? Give me one good reason!
Mom:
Ok. But you are so good at reading us you probably know what I'm going to say.
Teen:
You're going to say I have to prove that I'm responsible first before you trust
me with all that responsibility of driving your car.
Mom:
Wow!
Teen:
Wow what?
Mom:
You just said it better than I could. Nice going. You just surprised me again!
Teen:
I'm not stupid.
Mom:
I completely agree, Son. You are not
stupid. You know exactly what we expect
from you.
Teen (storming off): There’s no use even talking to you!
Note:
All this started because Mom said, "I'm not sure what to say." It's
OK to not know what to say all the time and while we parents feel that way a
lot, we rarely say it to our teenagers. Now, ask yourself, what could be more
genuine? Also, it's a paradoxical thing that as soon as you say, "I'm not
sure what to say about that" a response starts forming in your brain and
soon you have lots to say about that!
Read More......
In March 2016, as part of wider Administration efforts to
expand access to treatment for people with mental health and substance use
disorders, President Obama authorized creation of the Mental Health and Substance
Use Disorder Parity Task Force. The Task Force will focus key Federal agencies
on the work of ensuring that Americans receive the coverage and treatment that
they need. More information on the task
force can be found here.
The Task Force wants to hear from patients, families,
consumer advocates, health care providers, insurers, and other stakeholders on
their experiences and/or difficulties with accessing mental health and
substance use services and coverage. Share your comments, experiences, and
recommendations with the Task Force. Or, submit your comments by
sending an email to parity@hhs.gov. The Task Force will present its findings and
recommendations in a report to the President by October 31, 2016.
Read More......
The National
Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) reports the following:
- People who began using addictive substances before
age 15 are nearly 7 times likelier to develop a substance problem than
those who delay first use until age 21 or older
- Every year that substance use is delayed during the
period of adolescent brain development, the risk of addiction and
substance abuse decreases
Can making a
pact with your child encourage him/her to stay off drugs? Jim Huger, founder of Parents and Children
Together (PACT), believes that it can.
Click here to read about his proactive rewards-based approach to keeping children off
drugs.
This post is
not intended to be a recommendation for subscribing to the service that Jim
Huger created, since at this time I am not personally aware of anyone using it. Instead, it presents a concept that could be
of interest to many parents of pre-teens and teens.
Read More......
Due to scheduling conflicts, there will NOT be a PSST meeting on Saturday, May 21st in Greentree.
Please consider joining us for our next meeting on Saturday, June 4 in Wilkinsburg!
Read More......
The cake says it all . . .
Thanks for your support, wisdom and guidance over the years!
Read More......
Good Luck, Abby!
Posted by:Jenn--Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Come join us at the next PSST meeting, to wish Abby success in whatever her future brings her - she is moving to Colorado!!
Our meeting will be on Saturday, April 16, at the usual location for that date (Sts Simon and Jude Church on Greentree Road).
Read More......
Click here to read an article by Cathy Taughinbaugh about
the common mistakes that parents make when they realize their child is using
drugs. This is not a list meant to “shame”
parents! They are called “common”
mistakes because they are the kind of things that parents instinctively do, often
with the best of intentions, but sometimes unknowingly. So let’s start by identifying those actions/thoughts. By perusing this list, parents (and other
loved ones) may realize that they need to start (or stop) doing certain things,
because those actions may be hurting themselves, as well as their relationship
with their child.
Here are a few examples from the list:
- Feeling
that your child’s drug use is a teen rite of passage that they will grow out
of.
- Continuing
to worry constantly about things you can’t control and making yourself
miserable.
- Feeling
guilty for something you didn’t cause.
- Never
praising or rewarding for what your child does right, because after all, he is
using drugs.
- Not
allowing your child to take responsibility for the consequences of their use.
- Waiting too
long to get outside help, because you think you can handle it.
Read More......
It's Only Pot
Posted by:Jenn--Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Today’s parents may have mixed thoughts about their teenagers' use of marijuana. They may have personal
memories of smoking pot when they were growing up, or they may have had friends
who smoked, yet all of them (well, most of them) grew up to be responsible
adults. So why don’t their children deserve
this same rite of passage, while their parents “look the other way”?
To add to this dilemma that parents face, the legalization
of medical and recreational marijuana in various states raises even more questions
about what behavior is acceptable.
Click here for an article by Dr. Jim Mastrich, who discusses the significantly increased
potency of today’s marijuana, and the implications of that for the teenagers
who are using it. Below is a quote from
the article:
High school kids who are “experimenting” with today’s
marijuana are much less likely to know how to manage the effects of such a
powerful substance and are likely to bite off more than they can chew.
Click here for an article that discusses the impact of the decriminalization of marijuana
on current attitudes about the drug. Many
experts believe that use of marijuana will increase significantly if people believe
that it’s safe for anyone to use. A
quote from the article:
People forget that marijuana can be addictive. It actually
changes the physical chemistry within your brain.
Read More......
Remember when synthetic marijuana, also called K2 or Spice, was all the
rage? And it turned out to be a hallucinogen
that was eventually banned under federal law?
There’s a new kid on the block called kratom, an herbal supplement that may
be brewed and served in drinks, or purchased as a powder in convenience stores
or on the internet. Click here to read an article from the New York Times that describes the emergence of this
new drug. Below is a quote from this article:
“Some users embrace kratom as a natural
painkiller and benign substitute for more dangerous substances that, in most
states, is legal. But its growing popularity and easy availability are raising
concerns among substance abuse experts and government officials who say it is
being furtively marketed as a way out of addiction, even though it is itself
addictive. Worse, some of those experts say, kratom can lead some addicts back
to heroin, which is cheaper and stronger.”
Read More......
AA warns the alcoholic about the stinkin’ thinkin’ that
can lead a person to relapse. But this
type of negative self-talk is not reserved exclusively for alcoholics or drug addicts. Negative thought patterns can lead the
average person to self-pitying, self- destructive behaviors. How can we escape the downward spiral? Click here to read an excellent article about
how to tame your inner critic.
The author of the article suggests an approach to achieving Learned Optimism, "where you dispute and refuse to allow negative self-appraisals to influence your decisions and actions. You, instead, will come to expect positive outcomes."
What a
wonderful message to start us out on the right path for the new year!
Read More......
Feeling
stressed out as the holidays approach?
You haven’t finished buying gifts for your family, the store didn’t have
that perfect sweater in your spouse’s size, you dropped your phone and the
screen broke, the garbage disposal ground to a halt, you already got a credit
card bill that was twice what you were expecting, you just had a big fight with your mother-in-law, and the big project you are working on at work is giving you
major headaches . . . what else could go wrong?
First
of all, just breathe.
Now,
consider the following tips, from the Positivity Blog:
1. Slow
down.
2.
Appreciate the little things instead of focusing on perfection.
3.
Give a bit of joy to someone else.
4.
Focus on what is most valuable.
5.
Just accept how you feel right now.
For
more detail about these tips, please click here.
Read More......
Good News!!
Pittsburgh's Parkway East will now be OPEN during the weekend of Dec 4-6. The closure is now slated for the following weekend (to prepare for the Greenfield Bridge implosion).
It is likely that Penn DOT delayed the closure so that it would not interfere with our PSST annual holiday celebration at the Wilkinsburg location. Thank you, Penn DOT!
Read More......
The PSST 12th Anniversary / Holiday Celebration will be held on Saturday, Dec 5, 2015 at our Wilkinsburg meeting. Invitees include all PSST parents (both current attendees and alumni), in addition to all Wesley Spectrum therapists and Juvenile Probation staff who have been part of the PSST family.
Please put the date on your calendar, and plan to join us! Feel free to bring a food item to share - in the past, attendees have brought holiday goodies, pastries, a hot breakfast/brunch item, fruit, crackers & cheese, chips & dips, etc.
Read More......
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