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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Please join us on Saturday, October 3rd at our Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg from 9 - 11 a.m. as we announce this year's Allegheny County Parent of the Year.
We all know that each and every one of the parents who regularly attend PSST are real-life Parents of the Year, but only one family can be officially recognized at the annual awards ceremony. The Parent of the Year is selected for their acts of bravery in addressing their child's drug use and/or criminal behavior, demonstrating non-enabling parenting skills, and for being a role model to other parents.
At the PSST meeting, there will be cake, of course, and a very special guest speaker who will talk about his experience in the justice system and his life in recovery. We hope all PSST parents, old and new, will be able to attend.
The official award will be given at the Family Court House, located at 550 Fifth Ave., Pittsburgh (the Old Allegheny County Jail) on Thursday, October 8. The event starts at 6 p.m. (try to get there at 5:30) and runs about 2 hours. Please come if you can and support our PSST Parent of the Year and to hear their personal story.
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Our Son is in Jail
Posted by:Jenn--Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Narcotics Anonymous tells us that continued drug use is a
sure-fire path to institutions, jail, and/or death. Our son Dylan is continuing to follow that dangerous
journey.
After 4 years of spending a high percentage of his time in
juvenile placements, it appeared that Dylan was trying to turn his life
around. He expressed interest in going
to college. He spent 6 months in ¾
housing and accepted his 6-month clean tag with pride. Unfortunately his 2 separate attempts at college
failed, due to drugs (alcohol, marijuana) and poor choices for friends. And now, his most recent actions have landed
him in the county jail for assault and attempted robbery. We expect that he will serve some prison time
for these felony charges.
How are we reacting to Dylan’s actions?
After our initial shock, we were left with strong feelings of
disappointment and sadness that he would make such choices, choices that are so
completely foreign to our family’s values and beliefs. We are so grateful that no one was badly
injured or killed. We still love Dylan,
and will help him when he gets out of prison, but only if he commits himself to
making serious lifestyle changes.
Are we obsessing over what he did?
We refuse to drive ourselves crazy by obsessing over what he
did, why he did it, and how much time he will spend in prison. As one of our PSST parents said at a recent
meeting, we are not distancing ourselves from our son, but instead, we are
separating ourselves from his actions and his drama.
Did we post bail?
Dylan is
angry with us because we are not willing to post bail. The judge said
that he would require Dylan to live at home if he were out on bond, but if
Dylan keeps the same circle of friends, as well as his adventurous spirit and
lifestyle, it would put significant strain on our family. We know that following our rules just isn’t
part of Dylan’s current playbook. We believe that he would skip bail to avoid doing prison time (he ran away from juvenile placements twice), leaving us stuck with a huge bill.
Did we hire a lawyer?
After much
deliberation, and talking with many people in our extended support group, we
decided to hire a lawyer. The charges
against Dylan are serious felonies. A
public defender would probably do just fine, but we feel more comfortable with
a private lawyer of our own choice, who will keep our family’s best interests
in mind. We know that there will be consequences
for Dylan’s actions, but we’d like them to be as fair and reasonable as
possible.
Are we sorry that Dylan is in jail? Do we worry ourselves sick every night about
his safety?
No, instead we are grateful that he is safe, because at this
time in his life he is a danger to himself and to others. We know where he is. He is safer in jail than he was on the
streets. Dylan is fun-loving and
generous and intelligent, but he also thinks that he is street-smart and (of
course) invincible. He has no idea how
naïve and impressionable he really is.
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As part of the annual Allegheny County Juvenile Probation awards ceremony scheduled for Thursday, October 8th, a new Parent(s) of the Year will be announced. Will it be a PSST parent this year??
The awards ceremony begins at 6pm, and lasts about 2 hours. It is held at the Family Court House, 550 Fifth Ave., Pittsburgh, PA (the Old Allegheny County Jail) on the second floor. In addition to various awards presentations, there will be a keynote speaker for the event. Speeches from the Parent(s) of the Year and the keynote speaker are always well worth the investment of time. Hope you can make it!
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If an addict relapses, does that make him/her a failure?
Science says NO. In fact, research
shows that relapse rates for chronic diseases such as asthma, high blood
pressure, and diabetes are very comparable to those for drug/alcohol addiction. Just as patients with asthma and diabetes
relapse, by failing to take prescribed medication or engaging in behaviors that
are risky in light of their disease, so do drug addicts.
It is common for addicts to relapse, and it may happen multiple times. Literature about addiction tells us that the
best way for an addict to avoid relapse is to understand what his/her personal
triggers are, then try to avoid or minimize those triggers, while reinforcing
new recovery-focused behaviors. Common triggers
are emotional stresses (such as frustration or anxiety) and being around
people/places/things that remind the addict of using. If an addict has already relapsed, s/he may
need help to accept what happened as a temporary setback, to view it as an opportunity
to examine what triggers caused the relapse, and to put renewed emphasis on
treatment (such as support group meetings or therapy).
Click here for an article published in
everydayhealth.com that gives excellent advice to family members on how to
support the addict who has relapsed. One of my favorite quotes from this article is Hold addicts accountable for their recovery from the relapse, just as it was important to hold them accountable for their addiction in the first place.
Click
here for an article in Psychology Today entitled “Why Relapse isn’t a Sign of
Failure” that discusses how drug-related cues can lead to relapse. The author also explains how being in
recovery creates new habits/triggers for recovery, and how Over time
the addict subconsciously dissociates the cue from the past reward of using and
associates it with the new reward of sobriety.
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Give your weekend a powerful start! We will be OPEN for our regular PSST meeting in Wilkinsburg on Saturday, Sept 5th from 9-11:30am. There will still be plenty of "weekend" left to enjoy with family & friends . . .
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Click here for an insightful blog posting about one family’s experience with their son’s
heroin addiction, titled “7 Truths About My Addict That Took 5 Years To Learn”.
Although the family clearly went through
many years of heartbreak, the good news is that their son has been clean and
sober for the past 5 years!
Below is a synopsis of the father’s “seven truths”, but I highly recommend that you read the blog posting to get the full effect of his insights.
Parents Are Enablers
I Cannot Fix This
My Addict Is A Liar
My Addict Is A Criminal
Others Don’t Want Them Around
Life Will Not Be The Same
Homelessness May Be The Path He Chooses
A sample from the author's commentary:
I once wrote a letter to my son about using drugs. I used the analogy of him standing on the railroad tracks and a train (drugs) is blasting down the tracks and blaring its horn but he hears nothing. I told him it was my job to knock him out of the way and take the hit, that’s what fathers do. I understand now, I was wrong. All that would do would leave me dead on the tracks and he would be standing on another set of tracks the next day.
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Apartment Hunting
Posted by:Jenn--Wednesday, August 12, 2015
My 19-year-old son Dylan is looking for an apartment, and is
hoping to share with a friend who is 20. Both of them have juvenile
records - neither has any credit history – and both have spotty work histories
at minimum wage jobs. Neither of them has a car, so they need to be near
public transportation. Dylan plans to get a job, but does not have one
yet. His friend just got a full-time job at a fast-food restaurant.
Both of them drink & get high (marijuana), but seem to be functional – they
don’t live with me, thank goodness.
I suspect that many of you have had experience with your own
children leasing apartments, and I’d love any tips from you. I definitely
don’t want to co-sign for a 12-month lease. Do you have suggestions/warnings? (And
wouldn’t you just love to be their landlord?)
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Following are
excerpts from Lisa Frederiksen’s interview with author Barbara Cofer Stoefen about
her experiences with her daughter's drug use.
Click here for Lisa’s full interview with Barbara.
Having a child in the
throes of addiction is to experience profound grief. . . . We lose what they used to look like, smell
like, we lose their health, we lose their companionship, we lose the pride we
once had in them, we lose the very essence of them… because they truly have
become someone else. Also, parents are often the target of a great amount of
wrath coming from their addicted child, and it often feels we’ve lost their love
too. But maybe most important of all is we lose our dreams for our child… our
hope for their future. Because we doubt they have a future. And we lose all of
these things over and over and over again. It’s like a wound that never heals
and continues to split open.
So the family lives with daily grief, with daily loss. The
family also lives with constant upset because of the havoc someone in the
throes of addiction can wreak on others. There’s often middle-of-the-night
phone calls, angry rants, demands, interrupted holidays, and of course the
criminality that often goes hand and hand with addiction.
Oh, and there’s drama. Lots and lots of drama.
Barbara’s recommendations
for families of addicts:
1.
Know they didn’t cause
it, can’t control it, can’t cure it. (Al-Anon slogan)
2.
Get support. We can’t go
through this alone.
3.
Work on their own
recovery. The person with the addiction isn’t the only one with problems.
Everyone in the family needs to do their own part to heal.
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Developed by the Partnership for Drug-Free
Kids, the Marijuana Talk Kit helps parents have meaningful, productive
conversations with their teens about marijuana use. Click here to view the talk kit.
Inside the Marijuana Talk Kit, you will find:
·
Facts about marijuana
·
Why weed is still risky for teens
·
Ways to talk with your teen about marijuana
·
What you should - and shouldn't say - when talking with your teen
·
How to respond to your teen’s questions and arguments
·
Resources to help
To be added to their email list, or to make a
contribution to support similar community awareness aids, please visit the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids.
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If synthetic marijuana is sold in stores, it can’t be all
that dangerous, can it?
New research from Children’s National Health System Synthetic
has shown that synthetic marijuana, known as K2 or Spice, decreases the flow of
oxygen to the heart in teenagers and can cause serious heart complications.
Decreased oxygen levels to the heart can have serious consequences in youth,
from shortness of breath and chest pain to the pediatric equivalent of a heart
attack.
“Synthetic marijuana is unacceptably readily available for
purchase by children and puts them at risk of serious health issues including
cardiac damage,” says Dr. Berul, a nationally-recognized pediatric heart rhythm
expert.
Click here for the full article.
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Miracles DO Happen
Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, July 12, 2015
Click here for an uplifting story posted recently in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette “Mission
Mahi food truck serves up more than tacos”. An alcoholic who also also became addicted to
pain medication, his life spinning out of control, Jimmy Woods had a spiritual
experience in rehab that gave him a clear focus on his own recovery. In April, he opened a food truck business
selling his signature fish tacos in the Pittsburgh, PA area. In addition to serving tacos, Jimmy is also
happy to share his recovery story. His
main goal is “to give others hope and a safe place to talk and not be judged.”
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Thanks to Lorraine for sharing the following story. She has maintained clearly defined boundaries with her son, refusing to enable his (former) drug-related behavior, and continuing a healthy relationship by encouraging appropriate activities.
My son moved to Miami when he was first on his own. He was almost 21. Immediately before that, he was at First Step Half Way house. He was having some level of success with regard to drug use, in that he was functioning, but he was still using. He was not yet convinced to come completely clean. That sometimes takes awhile.
He was attending Allegheny Community college, transferred his credits to Miami Dade Community, and continued at Miami Dade when he arrived in Miami.
I did not give him any money for rent. I never co-signed anything. I did make the mistake of having a joint bank account with him since that saved him money in checking account charges, but after the issues with banking fees due to him using his debit card when he didn't have any money in his account, I removed my name off the account within 6 months.
When he finished Miami Dade within a year after arriving in Miami, he was accepted into University of Miami for a 4 year degree. At that point, I co-signed a school loan, because that was the only way he could continue to University of Miami. At this point, with his success at Miami Dade Community college, exercising a level of responsibility for himself in Miami, maintaining a full time job as a server in a restaurant, I felt that he deserved this chance to get a 4 year degree at University of Miami. However, even though he was functioning well, he was still using. I did co-sign that loan with some level of expectation that I would be paying off the loan myself.
He still lives in the Miami area. He just turned 29 and has been completely clean for 3 years. No drugs, alcohol or tobacco. He works as a computer programmer and earns a fair salary. And he is in the process of paying back his school loans.
And I still do not give him any money for anything. And I still would never co-sign anything. As he has his successes, I will buy him things, which is mainly related to his athletics. He participates in triathlons, which is an expensive sport. And I will indicate to him that the reason I buy him whatever it is I am buying him, is due to his success in staying clean. I make sure he understands the association between me buying him expensive things for his sport and him continuing to stay clean.
When he first went to Miami, he had his issues with his drug use and we were at the point in our relationship that we could discuss such things. He once told me, "Mom, The only thing that works is having $100 in your pocket and having to choose between a bed to sleep in and drugs." I still keep reminding myself of this statement to this very day .... years later.
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PSST on July 4th? YES, of course!
Let's celebrate our INDEPENDENCE - from enabling, from being fearful, from being manipulated! (See the helpful post below for more information on parents' rights . . .)
Come to our Saturday, July 4th PSST meeting in Wilkinsburg for the perspective, friendship, insights, and shot-in-the-arm that we all need to maintain our sanity.
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PARENT RIGHTS
1. I have the right to be safe in my own home. No matter what I say that someone might not like, I have the right to not feel physically or verbally threatened in my own home. I have the responsibility to see that others in my home feel safe.
2. I have a right to be treated with respect. I have the right not to be yelled at. If you need to tell me something, take care how you speak to me or I won't be standing around listening. I have the responsibility to treat others with respect.
3. I have the right to take care of my own needs. My needs are at least as important as my other family members. I have the responsibility within reason to help others in my family take care of their own needs.
4. I have a right to speak my mind. If some people are going to find me judgmental, intolerant, or whatever, I will remind myself that they have a right to speak their minds too.
5. I have the right to take some time to consider the question before I give an answer. I have the right to "use my lifeline" and make a phone call or consult with someone I trust (my spouse perhaps) before I decide. If my teen HAS to know right now then the answer is NO. When asking for something from family members I will remember that within reason they also have a right to take some time to consider before they answer.
6. I have the right to take a vacation from high-level drama. I recognize the highly addictive nature of drama and I realize that I don't have to "have" some everyday. Sometimes it's OK for me to just "pass" on the crisis-of-the day. I don't have to feel guilty just because I don't ALWAYS make someone else's problem my problem, even if it is my teenager. Likewise, I will remember that just because something is a 911 for me it doesn't have to have emergency significance for others in my family.
7. I have a right to change. The way I coped with stressful things yesterday does not have to be the way I choose to handle stress today. Generally, people don't like to see other people change, unless of course it's the specific change that they prescribed; but that's their problem not mine. It is my responsibility to remember that others have the right to change also.
8. I have the right to ask for help. I have a right to attend as many PSST meetings (or other self-help meetings) as I choose. I know that I am always welcome to the support and education that I find at PSST. If anyone tells me that I am wasting my time or that it's time I stood up and became a real parent who didn't need any help to make these tough decisions, then it's time that I told those people to please mind their own business.
9. I have a right to choose my own boundaries. I don't have to keep secrets about drugs, alcohol, crime, or violations of probation, for my loved ones. If I am NOT COMFORTABLE with something, I can say that. That's reason enough for me to not do it or not to permit my teenager to do it. Likewise, I will allow others within reason to also make the claim that they are NOT COMFORTABLE with something although of course in areas of me holding my teen accountable it is not necessary that my teen feels comfortable with all my actions.
10. I have the right to change my mind. It's a very basic right that is afforded to everyone. Yes, I know it can cause problems and some people will accuse me of being a liar. I know that if I "promise" something then I should try to follow through with that promise; however, sometimes I get "new information" and then I have to reconsider. Also, sometimes I make mistakes and I have to fix them. I have the responsibility to not change my mind in a sneaky, capricious or arbitrary way but to use new information to change my mind in as orderly and as informed manner as possible.
11. I have a right to establish rules in my house. Within the limits of what's effective and what's reasonable, I can take steps to enforce my rules. I've learned that if I have a rule that I'm either unwilling or unable to enforce, then it's better if I don't have that rule. I have the responsibility to be consistent when I apply rules.
12. I have a right to disagree with professionals involved with my teenager's case. Just because a professional is considered an "expert" doesn't mean he is right. I'm an expert too: expert on my own teenager. However, I have the responsibility to weigh carefully any expert opinion that I am afforded. I recognize that I need to struggle to be open minded and that I am not always in the best "seat" to see things objectively. IF i still disagree with the approach that a professional is taking with my child's case then I my understand that first responsibility is to discuss this with my trusted peer group. If I still disagree my next responsibility is to discuss with the professionals involved. If I still have a problem then I must inquire as to how a grievance or protest or if another avenue is offered to object, then I will follow various alternatives that may include supervisors, administrators, or judges until that time that I am more comfortable with the situation.
13. I have a right to not enable my teenager. No matter what my family may think, if I think helping is hurting then I don't have to do it. I'm not giving up when I stop enabling. I am attempting to address my role in the problem.
14. I have a right to be the parent and know that I don't really have the right to be my teenager's friend. Later, when I don't have to be the one in charge because my teenager has grown into a responsible adult, we can be friends. Until then, I'll just be the parent. Especially, if my teen is exhibiting out-of-control behavior I accept that I have the responsibility to not become friends because this limits my ability to parent effectively. It is my responsibility to be the parent first, and the friend second.
15. I have a right to pursue happiness, which may include having interests and hobbies that I feel passionate about, a career or job that I am proud of, and/or friends that I care about. I have a right to be more than just a parent; even if my teenager is in placement or inpatient treatment, life for me goes on. I have the responsibility to not become so obsessed by my teens problems that I forfeit my own happiness.
16. I have a right to be as healthy as I can be and to let my teenager(s) watch me do it. That's my gift to my family. It's my right to give this gift and whether or not they seem to appreciate it at the time doesn't matter. Eventually, teenagers imitate adults and therefore it is both my right and my responsibility to pursue a healthy lifestyle.
I know that some of these over-lap. Perhaps from time to time I will tweak this list. Please add the one's that I missed. Please comment on which one's you feel are most important in the comments section. These are rights that I've heard parents speak about at meetings.
HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY TO ALL PSST PARENTS EVERYWHERE both meeting goers and blog-readers! Hoping that the only fireworks you have to deal with on the 4th are the ones they shoot off in the sky!
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