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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Tips on Visiting your
Child in an Institution, especially when he/she suffers from depression
We had a great meeting on August 10th and
enjoyed a couple of new faces. The new faces sounded like veteran PSST parents,
and as Jenn said, "Sounds like we can all learn a lot from what you two
have already learned."
The theme of the meeting was highlighted by a
father whose son is about to transition from psychiatric inpatient back to a
halfway house that he had formerly completed. The experience of going in to see
your teenager in some sort of placement, and walking out again feeling like you
accomplished nothing, that your visit didn't do any good, and that maybe you
have left your teenager more depressed, more upset, or generally speaking just
worse off than when you started the visit was something that many parents can
relate to.
As the meeting went on, it was clear that each
parent had a contribution to this subject, and if we could put it all together
it would make a great post.
I did a role-play with the father who got us all
started on this, but as has happened before, I realized after I got started
that there were others in the room who could do perhaps a more effective
role-play. One parent especially jumped in to do the same role-play and she
just stole the show with her empathy, non-judgmental attitude and strong
acceptance of wherever her son was with whatever. At one point the father
playing the teenager said:
Teen: You don't have to visit
me in here, there's nothing we can say or talk about that helps so just don't
feel like you have to come here.
Mom: Oh, I intend to be here
with you, it's OK if we don't talk. I'm good just being here with you.
Teen: You're just here
because you feel like you have to be here.
Mom: I'm here because I want
to be here. I need you in my life as much as I hope that you need me in yours.
Teen: So you just come here
to make yourself feel better.
Mom: I need you to be in my
life. It's really that simple. I love you. I'll always be here for you.
As always, this is not verbatim only because I
didn't write it down or record anything.
As people started throwing tips out, even to
the final comments, I realized that this is what PSST is all about. People were
saying "this works for me" or "I find it helpful to keep this in
mind." Here are some of the ideas:
1. Give yourself permission to allow for periods
of silence, even if they don't feel comfortable. Don't feel like you have to
fill up every minute with noise.
2. Don't go in with the idea that you are going
to fix things. Just be there and let trained professionals play the fix-it
role.
3. It's OK to say "I don't know what to
say. I know this is awkward."
4. Be prepared with a game. Elizabeth
suggested a zany game called "Would you Rather . . . ?" that you can
buy at a place like Walmart or a bookstore. Other options are chess,
checkers, board games, or card games.
5. Use affirmation. In this case
especially, the young man reached out for help, he didn't try to hurt
himself, he didn't relapse, he was still alive etc.
6. Don't ask Why? Just throw that word out of
your vocabulary when you go to visit.
7. Remember, you can't joke a depressed person
into not being depressed. Yes, you can sometimes get a depressed person to
laugh, but when the joke is over, the depressed person is still depressed. Yes,
if laughter comes up spontaneously that could be just what the doctor ordered,
but don't go in with a list of jokes. The problem is that it could be
interpreted as you not taking this whole dangerous situation seriously.
8. When talking with your teen, try to
brighten the environment by allowing your teen to face the windows, so that
he/she can see outside. If permitted, take your teen for a walk around
campus while you visit.
9. Sometimes a letter can be a good way to
communicate your feelings with your teen, when in-person communication may be
too difficult, or when you really want to emphasize a point. Your teen
will have the letter to read & re-read on his/her own time.
10. If your teen is receptive, reminiscing
can be a good way to re-live some of the good times you've shared as a
family.
11. Sharing old photos can be a great
way to start a conversation.
12. Don’t try to force teachable moments
into each visit. Your teen is already experiencing the negative consequences
of his/her actions.
Our teens are sensitive and sometimes they reach
a heightened sense of awareness towards criticism. For example, we may
think we are helping or even re-framing by saying:
Parent: Boy, I guess you really need to start making better
decisions, huh?
However, being in a fragile place and perhaps
already feeling quite badly about how things turned out, i.e., being back in
some sort of placement or inpatient, the teen might feel like hey, if you just
came here to rub my nose in it, don't even bother.
So, the hostile response to this little
statement might be:
Teen: Oh do ya think? Duh!
Or the response might be silence, and nothing
said after that is going to get the teen to share anything about how he is
feeling. Or maybe the teen perceiving that he is being attacked might strike
back with:
Teen: Oh you really make good decisions huh? Well 16 years
ago when you decided to have another baby you screwed up!"
When a teen is in placement it's probably better
to go in with a line more like:
Parent: Don't beat yourself up.
or
Parent: You are really hard on yourself. You know being in
here I'm just going to guess that it's hard to remember all the good decisions
you've made.
Teen: Like what?
Parent: Well, you know, like the way you brought up your school
grade in Chem, or when you decided to get some counseling, or when you picked
that funny card for Mom for her birthday. Or when you told your sister
that you liked the Onion Surprise dish she made for you and we could all see it was
pretty bad! You know I could go on and on but what's the point, it's only
natural that you feel bad right now and that's OK too.
Teen: You don't know how it feels to be in a place like this.
Parent: No I definitely do not. I mean, sure I've made my
share of lousy decisions so I get that part, but I do not know what it's like
to be in here. Want to tell me about it?
Anyone with additional
thoughts, please add them as Comments to this post!
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Two years ago we thought we had
lost Andy forever. His lifestyle had hit a concrete wall and there seemed
to be no end in sight beyond prison and eventual death. After six years
of addiction, 13-18 placements (we lost count) & permanently removing him
from our home, TODAY we celebrate the most wonderful anniversary of our lives
as a whole family unit.
A post from Andy on 8/8/2013
"Today is something I always dreamed of and knew
was possible, but never thought would come. It's been the biggest up and down
emotional roller coaster but given the chance I wouldn't change a thing that
has happened thus far. Everyone I've come in contact with whether I love, hate,
or have no feelings for, have helped me more than you know. Today we celebrate
2 years without a drink or drug."
Who would have thought that "Just For Today" would
string so many days together?
Have faith fellow PSST members - there are some amazing miracles
that can happen.
Cheryl, Jim, Andy and The Three Stooges
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Most people appreciate positive feedback. They want to know that they are special in some way, that someone recognizes their strengths, and that they are appreciated for who they are and what they do. But as parents of difficult teens, we may struggle with how to compliment our kids. Why is that? Several reasons come to mind:
With some creative thinking, you CAN give your teen positive, honest affirmation without losing any personal power. Try some of Lloyd's Best Affirmations on for size, and see if they work for you. Your teen may not be willing to show his/her appreciation for what you’ve said, but you might be surprised to find out that he/she is secretly pleased. (By the way, these ideas can work when interacting with adults too.)
- “What you did took a lot of guts. You are
really brave!”
- “You are really loyal to your friends.”
- “You have always been so good at reading me.”
Which might be followed by a comment such as “You’re right, I would never
let you drive the family car if you are still smoking weed.”
- “You are SO creative. I can always count
on you to have a lot of ideas on just about any topic.” If your teen is
adopted, you can add, “You probably get that from your birth mom/dad, because
I/we (the adoptive parents) just aren’t that creative.”
- “I am impressed! You really handled your
disappointment in an adult way.”
- “You never mince words. I always know
where I stand with you.”
-
“Good question! You always have such great
questions. I wish I had such great answers.”
-
“You know, you really surprised me!”
- "You’re not a wishy washy person. You
mostly know exactly what you think you should do, and boy, once your mind is
made up, you stick to it no matter what ANYbody says!”
- “You stick to your principles! Even though
there might sometimes be serious consequences, if you think you’re right, you
follow through.”
- “And then I notice that when you get
consequences for your decisions, you accept it like a man. You don't
complain and blame other people.”
- “You have a good heart. If someone needs
help, or even if someone needs protecting, you're there for them!”
- “Basically, people who don't know you might not
notice, but underneath your hard exterior, you’re a really good dude!”
- “You know me so well. I think you know
what I'm going to say before I even say it (kid will agree 99% immediately). That's why I don't need to keep repeating
myself as much as I do (another big agreement), so if you catch me being
redundant, let me know, OK?”
o When your teen stops you and calls you on your
redundancy, ask him to finish what you were going to say.
o If he/she is at all close, affirm again with
"That's excellent! You are so right. That's the main point, and I think my other
point about (blah blah) wasn't as important as what you got out of that!”
o Alternatively, “You cut right to the heart if
what I was saying, but I like the way you said it better!”
- “You have a great sense of fair play! If
you feel something’s not fair, it really bothers you. I've noticed not
only when you think you’re not being treated fairly, but when you think someone
else is getting a raw deal, you try to fix it if you can!"
o Used when your teen is stuck on the "it ain't fair" game.
o When he/she persists, it opens up talking points about "You're right, life isn't fair" or "You're right, I'm not trying to be fair. I'm trying to keep you safe, and I'll do just about anything to keep you safe!"
- “You hide it sometimes, but you have a very
sensitive side and things people say can bother you. I think it’s the
creative artist in you, because I've read that artistic people are sometimes
very sensitive.”
o This might lead your teen into saying, "Yeah, that's why when dad said I was lazy, it really bothered me. I mean yeah, I didn't clean up my room for three weeks, but I was doing other stuff. It wasn't 'cause I was lazy!"
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Letting Go
Posted by:Jenn--Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Letting Lenny Go - by Roxie For several years now, I have prayed and yearned for this concluding chapter in Lenny’s brand-new life. The idea of Lenny being out of placement, off probation, graduating from high school, and being clean and sober is like a fairy tale that came true. My fairy tales are comprised of make believe hopes and dreams, and unusual imaginations interjected with inner optimisms. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s time to let Lenny go. Roxie holds steadfast to the fairy tale of a successful life for Lenny consisting of no drugs, no alcohol, and a great relationship with his mom.
Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities describes our current circumstances exactly: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.” As a parent who wants the best for my son, I find myself in the age of foolishness daily. Although I’ve learned the steps, know the rules, and could give advice to other parents, it is hard to heal myself.
On a positive note, Lenny has been officially off probation since July 22nd. It was a few days later than expected due to a judge dragging his feet. It was the first time I enjoyed the judicial system slowing down to a snail’s crawl; hoping that Lenny’s probation papers would get lost like they do on TV crime dramas. This is reality, and I expect Lenny and Roxie to relapse. He will use while I look away, cry, and attempt not to enable. With knowledge of my reaction ahead of time, I hope to handle the situation with knowledge garnered in parent groups. It may not work out that way, though.
Lenny has verbally declared his new-found independence with a smirk, and boldly stated the following:
1. He will smoke weed for a long-overdue celebration of being free.
2. Occasionally he will go to a Christian teen group (not AA or NA) to acknowledge the girls, not to acknowledge his clean and sober time.
3. In addition to being employed with the number one person on his “no contact” list, he plans on obtaining another job set-up by one of a myriad of girls whose names I do not know.
4. Save money for a vehicle to help with his independence in growing into an adult; making sure that the designated driver “only drinks a beer or two, and no weed.”
Although the above statements are Lenny’s, of course I have beat myself up as his mom. I realized after three years that the system has poured information into my son like sand in an hour-glass vase, with a hole on the bottom left side. I imagine his coping skills oozing out while I’m watching how beautiful he is on the outside. I know I am not alone in this experience. These rules are written for me to follow, and I pray that they will help us as parents.
1. Let go of your teen’s co-dependent hand. It was great when Lenny would hold my hand tightly while in Noah’s Ark at Kennywood Park. He’s rocking his own boat now, so I’ve had to let him go but remain the life preserver only when asked or prompted by an emergency. If you remain in the water with your resilient teen, you may be the one who drowns.
2. Love from afar. Part of letting your teen grow up and make mistakes is loving them from afar. Of course hugs and encouragement are necessary to nurture and mature, but do not smother them for fear of their unknown future. Each time I hug Lenny I don’t want to let go. Yes, it is scary. God (or whoever you deem as your Higher Power) has taken care of you while your child was in placement or a juvenile facility. He is still there to help you love them in a non-codependent way.
3. Don’t take a remorseful guilt trip. I pre-packed my luggage before Lenny was off probation, ready to go on a non-productive joy ride to unhappiness. Do not allow hurtful words from your teen to sear your already fragmented heart. Ignore them. The words can become part of your subconscious and you eventually begin to believe their hurtful lies. I have been called a bad mother so many times that I accepted it, but eventually removed it from my thought patterns. Remember that your teen is acting out and trying to hurt you because they are still hurting. Take your rightful place of authority in the family and acknowledge that you are the driver. You will designate what trip to take, while your manipulative teen is just along for the ride.
4. Affirm Yourself. Look in the mirror daily and say, “I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I can do all things through Christ (or my Higher Power), who strengthens me. There is nothing that I cannot handle today. I will make all negatives – positives. “ You actually have to learn to re-love yourself, because so much of who you are has been given away to raise your teen. Sometimes, I feel like I have nothing left that even resembles Roxie. Yet, I know I am deep inside there ….. somewhere.
Those above statements are so easy to write, but so difficult to incorporate into my own life. I have snapped at Lenny saying, “I cannot wait until you leave,” and “don’t expect mama to visit the County Jail.” Those words can become self-fulfilling prophecies and I need to turn it around ….. quick. Yes, I am scared of ‘our’ future. If I was not afraid of him leaving, I wouldn’t be saying hurtful things to him. It is all bravado, no bravery, and timid love shown by demonstratively opening the front door; with my right hand leading the way like Vanna White indicating the letter ‘Y’.
Although A Tale of Two Cities ends in such chaotic utter tragedy, Roxie and Lenny will be OK. Putting a spin on the Dickens tale for our success is “the best times are yet to come, things are never as bad as they seem, we will learn from our mistakes and share our knowledge, and don’t beat yourself up for being human”. A Tale of Two Lives, Lenny’s and Roxie’s, I hope will have a happy ending when he finally decides to leave home.
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September First
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, July 23, 2013
"I'm going to stop using drugs and seriously work a recovery program starting in September. I just want to have one summer where I don't spend any time in placement. September First" These are the words we heard from Cisco last summer. I'll start September first, I'll start September first; these words became his mantra. September first came, Cisco died that day, and September first went.
Rocco and I are grieving, reminiscing, memorializing and picking up the pieces. We lost someone that we will never be able to replace. Our dreams and hopes for him have been dashed, however, he will live forever in our hearts.
I often think back on PSST and how that group became such an important part of our life. I recognize how important and special the help was that our family received from PSST and Lloyd and Jerry and Kathie and Val and many other special professionals. I recognize how very, very lucky we were to have had the expertise of these caring and ultra-dedicated individuals. The struggle was painful and our loss was great, however, our PSST guidance gave us strength and wisdom for this journey. I am certain that our lives would be in a worse condition now if we had not met and learned from these dedicated individuals. The lessons we learned from PSST are still in our minds and hearts and are still helping us today.
We have memories of Jerry mentoring Cisco. I can see Jerry intently listening as Cisco talked about his life and his plans for the future then when Cisco was through talking Jerry quietly and wisely guided him. He helped Cisco see a clearer picture of reality. We appreciate Jerry's wisdom.
Lloyd answered emails and phone calls about our concerns at all times of the day and night. He was always there for us. Rocco and Lloyd tirelessly searched for Cisco several times when he ran. They did not give up until they found him each time. Whenever there was a serious problem Lloyd would show up in record time. We appreciate Lloyd's dedication and his wonderful sense of humor.
Kathie was the idea person and the planner. She gave us hope and valuable insight. Her kind manner is blended with a no-nonsense approach in dealing with drug abuse. She has always been available for all of us. We appreciate her so much that we wish we could clone her! Wouldn't it be nice to have at least 10 more Kathie's?
Val's strong leadership was quite evident as she diligently planned what would be best for Cisco and family. We appreciate her quiet determination and strong, sincere guidance.
If he would have survived the night, we do not know what Cisco would have done on September First.We want to imagine that he would have gone into recovery. We even have some evidence that points him in that direction. We recently ran into a good friend of his that does not use drugs and supported Cisco the times that he was in recovery. She told us she had not seen Cisco for a long time but that Cisco contacted her the day before he died and wanted to meet with her on September first. Maybe he had a plan. Just maybe he was seeking out non-drug using friends so that he could be in their circle and begin anew.
 When I go to sleep at night - I rarely dream. However, the week after Cisco died I saw Cisco ever so clearly in my dream. He was looking at me with a huge, beautiful and most important of all - peaceful smile. He had on a very clean, white T-shirt; his head tilted ever so slightly and he radiated happiness and freedom. He said not a word but his presence told it all. The shackles of his addiction were cut loose.
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Eminem Comes Clean About Near-Death Overdose
- By Jon Wiederhorn | Stop The Presses! | June 28, 2013
"My name is Marshall. I'm an addict," says superstar rapper Eminem in a scene from " How to Make Money Selling Drugs." the Matthew Cooke documentary
The 40-year-old rapper recounts his brush with death in an interview. He remembers being rushed into hospital in critical condition after a night of binging. "I don't know at what point exactly it started to be a problem. I just remember liking it more and more," Eminem says in the film. Instead of checking into a high-profile rehab clinic, Eminem quit drugs on his own through a rigorous detox program that left him literally incapacitated.
He says he found strength in his role as a father to overcome his problems. "I'm looking at my kids and [realizing] I need to be here for this."
"My name is Marshall. I'm an addict," says superstar rapper Eminem in a scene from the Matthew Cooke documentary How to Make Money Selling Drugs.
Eminem has been pretty open about the fact he was once addicted to prescription meds, including Vicodin and Xanax, addressing his drug problems on his 2009 album Relapse and 2010’s Recovery. But in How to Make Money Selling Drugs, he talks about how severe his addiction was and how he nearly died.
Like most addicts, Eminem started as a casual user, then as his problem deepened, he was in denial about how severely impaired he had become. "When I took my first Vicodin, it was like this feeling of, 'Ahh.' Like everything was not only mellow, but [I] didn't feel any pain," Eminem says in the film. "I don't know at what point exactly it started to be a problem. I just remember liking it more and more. People tried to tell me that I had a problem. I would say, 'Get that f****ing person outta here. I can't believe they said that s*** to me. I'm not out there shooting heroin. I'm not f***ing out there putting coke up my nose. I'm not smoking crack."
During the documentary, Eminem tells Cooke that he started mixing pills, including Xanax and Valium. His problem peaked when he mixed too many medications and overdosed; he was rushed to the hospital just in time for doctors to save his life. "Had I got to the hospital about two hours later, I would have died," he says. "My organs were shutting down. My liver, kidneys, everything. They were gonna have to put me on dialysis. They didn't think I was gonna make it. My bottom was gonna be death."
A month after Eminem came out of the hospital he relapsed, reports MTV News. The only thing that stopped him from downward-spiraling into oblivion was his determination to be a responsible father to his biological daughter Hailie Jade Scott, and two adopted daughters, Alaina ("Lainie") and Whitney. "I'm looking at my kids and [realizing], 'I need to be here for this,'" he says in the film.
Instead of checking into a high-profile rehab clinic, Eminem quit drugs on his own through a rigorous detox program that left him literally incapacitated. "Coming off everything, I was 24 hours a day for three weeks straight," he says. "And I mean, not sleeping, not even nodding off for a f***ing minute. I had to regain motor skills; I had to regain talking skills. It's been a learning process; I'm growing. I couldn't believe that anybody could be naturally happy without being on something. So I would say to anybody, 'It does get better.'"
In addition to the confessional interview with the rapper, the movie addresses the nation's war on drugs and the government's outrageous costly drug programs, the effectiveness of which are the subject of intense debate. Throughout the film, Cooke interviews dangerous drug dealers, as well as activist celebrities like Russell Simmons and Woody Harrelson, ex-cops, and the victims of allegedly wrongful drug-related arrests.
How to Make Money Selling Drugs opens June 28 in Los Angeles.
Copyright 2013 Stop The Presses! Copyright © 2013 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved.
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Relapse at the Rubble Home
– written by Betty
Tuesday evening I went
to play BINGO with a fellow PSST mom who has been working hard at getting me
out for some fun. I am also trying to follow
the advice of Barney and Pebbles to "get a life", other than focusing
on Pebbles and her recovery. As you may know, Pebbles returned home recently from 10 months spent
in either Shuman, residential treatment centers, drug rehabs, or a few weeks
here and there of psychiatric hospitals. It has been a year of some major
accomplishments and setbacks, to say the least.
As I entered the front
door with no BINGO winnings, as usual, but feeling refreshed after spending a
relaxing evening with my friend, Pebbles was at the top of the steps looking
down with half-closed eyes. My first thought was, she looks high.
She asked me how my evening was, and I asked her how her NA meeting
was. She sounded funny to me and I asked her what was the
matter. She claimed she was really tired, and I knew she did not sleep
well the last two nights, so I told her to go right to sleep, because “if I
didn't know better, I would have thought you were high on something.”
I went into the kitchen
to talk to Barney and asked him if he noticed anything suspicious about
Pebbles. He said he picked her up from the NA meeting and she had
her 9 month key tag, which she offered to him. She said she was so proud
of herself and he was too. All seemed fine. But now, a little more than an hour later,
all did not seem fine. As we were discussing this, Pebbles came down
to the dining room to get a CD off the table to take back to her room to listen
to, and she was not walking steady. I asked her to walk into the kitchen,
and we knew as she concentrated hard on walking steady, and from the look on
her face, that she had taken something on her 9 month clean anniversary.
I told her, you have taken something. She
denied it, and I repeated – you have taken something, what is it, how much, and
are you safe? She started to cry and admitted she had taken some cough
medicine she bought while she was out looking for a job the day before.
My heart sank – Pebbles had relapsed.
My first response was
anger. My voice raised and I started to respond, “You told me to go have
fun, go out and get a life, and this is what I come home to???” I stopped
myself in mid-sentence. I was emotionally relapsing and falling back into
habits I was recovering from, just as Pebbles was relapsing into her drug
habit. I didn't want to react the same as I have in the past. Pebbles was already crying hard and saying, “I
relapsed and I just sabotaged my 9 months clean time. I hate myself and I
already regret it.” She didn't need me to make her feel any worse
than she already did. PSST kicked in and I told her, “Don’t beat
yourself up, relapse is part of recovery. As long as you are safe,
that's all that matters”.
In the past, Pebbles has
gotten so upset for letting herself and us down, that she has coped
with such disappointments with self-mutilating tactics that I did not want to
encourage. I said “Let's go to bed and we can discuss this in the
morning when you are more clear-headed.” I felt comfortable saying this
because she did not take such a large amount of cough medicine to show
signs of overdose. As a precaution, we
went through her room and personal belongings to make sure there wasn't any more
medicine on her. I slept in her room to keep an eye on her as
well.
She said, “Mom, please
forgive me”. I told her I already have. That is not the old me. Honestly,
I was devastated, angry, heartbroken, and disappointed, but I was trying to work my
own program and not emotionally relapse along with Pebbles. It would
not help her, and instead would only make her feel more upset. I have learned
from past regrets that it would only make a bad situation bone-crushingly
worse. We all needed to rest and prepare for the next step. Barney
left for work, and eventually Pebbles and I fell asleep.
The next morning,
Pebbles got up when she heard Barney return from work, and they talked
about what the options were. Pebbles suggested we all keep this to
ourselves and not share it with her P.O. or counselor, Rachael, and she
would just quit using drugs on her own. Barney told her we couldn't keep secrets from
them. He knew her use would not stop, but instead would only escalate and could be
life-threatening. We had to inform them. She cried – no, she
sobbed – which is what woke me up. I joined them and was grateful I
actually was able to miss out on the beginning of their conversation. She
asked if she could start calling rehabs and try to get herself admitted to one
prior to calling her P.O. and Rachael. We agreed.
Barney went to get some
sleep while Pebbles figured out the next step. I, by now, was wishing I
had a cigarette to smoke. I wanted to relapse back to smoking under the
stress of the situation. I don't know what the drug addict goes through
fighting the desire to use drugs, but I do know how difficult it is not to
revert back to smoking. Just how hard it is to simply "not pick
up". I hate it, I can't breathe, it stinks, it could kill me – but I
want it. I sat with my father as he took his last struggling, dying
breath from emphysema and I wanted a cigarette. I hate to admit this to
all of you. I am ashamed I ever started smoking (peer pressure to fit in
as a teen). How can I persecute Pebbles for relapsing? As hard as
I am struggling right now, I can't imagine how she copes with the struggle of
drug/alcohol addiction.
Pebbles was able to find
a rehab, inform her P.O., get his permission to go, and call Rachael and
Kathy. She was on her way by 5:00 p.m. Barney and I came home to an empty
house, without Pebbles, and I just sat down and cried. I sent out a text
to my fellow Nar Anon members who, as the kids say, "blew up" my cell
phone responding with support. There were a number of fellow members who
drove out of their way to attend our local Nar Anon on Thursday meeting to give me
a hug, bringing donuts and frozen coffee from Dunkin Donuts (because we
ladies grieve together eating sugary food). Nar Anon is another support
group I lean on, along with PSST. I need as much support as I can get to
cope with Pebbles’ and Dina's addiction and my addiction to them.
I've learned so much to help myself, as well as to understand this disease,
from both of my support programs.
Today as I was
straightening up the house, I noticed the CD that Pebbles came down to get
that evening she relapsed. It was a CD she bought while out with Barney
last week. When she came home, she called me to the kitchen, put it in
the CD player and said, "Mom, I bought this because there is a song on it
I want to dedicate to you”. She played it and sang along as we danced to
it, just 4 days before she relapsed. The
song is Hey Mama by Kanye West, and
you can listen to it at this You Tube link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIZgJ4qYNvo
Pebbles has made so much
progress. Even though she has had a setback, we talked on the way to
rehab about all the progress she has made. Through reading the PSST blog,
attending PSST meetings, and counseling with Wesley Spectrum and Nar Anon, I have learned to
focus on the positives, and on our growth and blessings, rather than dwelling
on all the negatives and setbacks. We are all a work in progress at the
Rubble Home.
My daughter has such a
loving heart. Thank you for helping me to focus on that, and not on her
relapse.
Betty
Read More......
At a recent PSST meeting, we
talked about effective communication between parents and their child’s PO, and
the importance of having an effective – not an adversarial - relationship. The group generated a lot of ideas about what
has worked for them.
If you have ideas that you’d like to add, please
include them in the Comments for this article.
The list below includes
suggestions made at the meeting, along with additional ideas from Lloyd
& others.
1. Don’t keep secrets from your child’s PO or
therapists. Let your child know that you will not keep secrets.
2. Keep the PO informed. She/he is not a
mind-reader & only knows what you tell him/her.
3. Be open & up-front in your communications.
Do not BCC the PO’s boss (or anyone else) on emails, as this will destroy
trust.
4. Phone calls & texting can be valid ways of
communicating with your child’s PO, but use them wisely & sparingly, since
neither creates a permanent record. Communicate important info in writing
(via email) to inform your child’s PO, therapist(s), & placement contact
(where appropriate).
o
Using email keeps
everyone on the same page, ensuring that all interested parties receive the
same information.
o
It also keeps a
paper trail for you of what’s happened, any requests you have made, any actions
you have recommended, etc. Of course it
also keeps a trail of responses you have received.
o
Using bullet
points can help to keep an email focused and easier to read, especially when
you have multiple issues/topics to raise.
o
If you find that
you have a lot of questions in your email, and the questions require more than
yes/no answers, consider that it might be better to meet with the PO in person. You can always summarize the results of that
meeting with a follow-up email.
5. Develop a relationship with the PO. Don’t allow
it to become adversarial. Honey draws more flies than vinegar. Be
sure to express your appreciation for things that the PO has done to help you
& your child. Sometimes you may have to change your own perspective
to work better with the PO.
6. It’s difficult to build a relationship with someone
completely via email. Sometimes you just need to meet with the PO
face-to-face.
7. Remember that the PO has other clients too, and other
priorities assigned by his/her boss. Even so, your child is your top
priority and squeaky wheels do get more attention. Don’t feel bad about
advocating for your child to have services, whether it is from Probation or
from other agencies.
8. Be respectful of the PO’s time. Don’t create
emergencies where they do not exist. The PO might need a day or so to
call you back. She/he might not work on
weekends.
9. If you don’t know what actions are appropriate for you
or your child in a particular situation, don’t be afraid to ask for advice or
help. If the PO recommends an action that does not seem right to you,
tell him/her, “I am not comfortable with that.”
10. Remember that every PO is human & makes
mistakes. Don’t expect perfection, but do expect that the PO might try to
fix an error that she/he made.
11. If you cannot get a response from the PO, even after repeated contacts where you have specifically requested a response, then it's probably time to contact his/her boss. Do this only as a last resort. You may even want to let the PO know that you are planning to do so (but don't make idle threats!).
Read More......
Submitted by Alice
Last night Ed graduated from Acme Academy. WOW! As I sat in the auditorium during the ceremony with our parents and Ralph's sister and niece, I reflected on this experience.
At times in Ed's journey through the school years, I thought we would never make it. His behavior in school, failing grades, and then drugs, skipping school, leaving school early, and simply not caring, made it extremely hard. I was frustrated and exhausted. Then we found PSST!
If you recall, our two boys were arrested in 2010 after our
first PSST meeting. Ed went to placement
for six months a few months later. He
hated me for "putting him there." When he left placement in October of his sophomore
year, we knew he could not go back to his old school. But no fear: we have help and friends at PSST on our side. Kathie T. told us about Acme Academy
at one meeting, but he needed to get in and have our school district on-board.
After the interview at Acme Academy,
we thought all hope was gone. They were
not sure if Ed would be right for their school. With e-mails flying from Ralph, Lloyd, Kathie,
and the Director of Acme Academy, he was accepted. All of the support Ed would be receiving
impressed the Director.
Ed thrived in the environment. Months later the Director said that Ed was
such a model student, by making A's and B's and helping other students, that
she was sorry for having hesitated accepting him.
As I sat at graduation and watched my son sit with the other
graduates, I was proud. The Acme Academy
CEO spoke to each graduate about hope.
It was inspiring. He had talked
to each graduate before graduation, so he spoke about what each one's hopes and
dreams were. It was personalized as he went
down the list of graduates. Ed's hope was
about independence, because he had moved out of our house in February. "…with independence comes responsibility
and that can be hard sometimes. But we
always have hope." Yes, there is
hope for Ed and ALL of our children as they walk their own journey through
life. As Ed handed me his cap, gown and
diploma, he said, "Here mom, you take this and keep it for me because I
did it for you." As I stared at him,
he quickly corrected, "For myself too."
Thank you so much to Lloyd, Val, Kathie, Justin and all of
the PSST parents. We could never have
done this alone.
Ed is employed and living independently in an apartment,
paying his bills (mostly), dealing with a landlord who has rules (gasp!), and buying
his own food and stuff. Currently he is drug
free. Ralph and I do not have to live in
Crazytown anymore, ether. We can leave
his apartment after visiting and live our lives. We do not have to be involved in his life and
can just enjoy visiting with him.
Last night, after graduation, the phone rang at midnight. It was Ed and he said his car had died. He had made it home by babying the car. Ralph talked to him about ways he could fix
the problem, at least for the short term. None of the ways required us fixing the
problem for him. For example, buying or
loaning him a car, giving him money or getting out of bed at midnight. We both had a tough time falling asleep after
that. It is hard to let your children
figure out life for themselves!
I hope our story helps others who may be discouraged and
ready to give up. No matter where this
crazy life with addicted children and behavior issues leads us, we always have
hope.
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