Tips on Visiting your Child in an Institution Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, August 12, 2013

Tips on Visiting your Child in an Institution, especially when he/she suffers from depression

 

We had a great meeting on August 10th and enjoyed a couple of new faces. The new faces sounded like veteran PSST parents, and as Jenn said, "Sounds like we can all learn a lot from what you two have already learned."

 

The theme of the meeting was highlighted by a father whose son is about to transition from psychiatric inpatient back to a halfway house that he had formerly completed. The experience of going in to see your teenager in some sort of placement, and walking out again feeling like you accomplished nothing, that your visit didn't do any good, and that maybe you have left your teenager more depressed, more upset, or generally speaking just worse off than when you started the visit was something that many parents can relate to.

 

As the meeting went on, it was clear that each parent had a contribution to this subject, and if we could put it all together it would make a great post.  

I did a role-play with the father who got us all started on this, but as has happened before, I realized after I got started that there were others in the room who could do perhaps a more effective role-play. One parent especially jumped in to do the same role-play and she just stole the show with her empathy, non-judgmental attitude and strong acceptance of wherever her son was with whatever. At one point the father playing the teenager said:

Teen: You don't have to visit me in here, there's nothing we can say or talk about that helps so just don't feel like you have to come here.

Mom: Oh, I intend to be here with you, it's OK if we don't talk. I'm good just being here with you.

Teen: You're just here because you feel like you have to be here.

Mom: I'm here because I want to be here. I need you in my life as much as I hope that you need me in yours.

Teen: So you just come here to make yourself feel better.

Mom: I need you to be in my life. It's really that simple. I love you. I'll always be here for you.

As always, this is not verbatim only because I didn't write it down or record anything.


As people started throwing tips out, even to the final comments, I realized that this is what PSST is all about. People were saying "this works for me" or "I find it helpful to keep this in mind."  Here are some of the ideas:

1. Give yourself permission to allow for periods of silence, even if they don't feel comfortable. Don't feel like you have to fill up every minute with noise.

2. Don't go in with the idea that you are going to fix things. Just be there and let trained professionals play the fix-it role.

3. It's OK to say "I don't know what to say. I know this is awkward."

4. Be prepared with a game.  Elizabeth suggested a zany game called "Would you Rather . . . ?" that you can buy at a place like Walmart or a bookstore.  Other options are chess, checkers, board games, or card games.

5. Use affirmation.  In this case especially, the young man reached out for help, he didn't try to hurt himself, he didn't relapse, he was still alive etc.

6. Don't ask Why? Just throw that word out of your vocabulary when you go to visit.

7. Remember, you can't joke a depressed person into not being depressed. Yes, you can sometimes get a depressed person to laugh, but when the joke is over, the depressed person is still depressed. Yes, if laughter comes up spontaneously that could be just what the doctor ordered, but don't go in with a list of jokes. The problem is that it could be interpreted as you not taking this whole dangerous situation seriously.

8.  When talking with your teen, try to brighten the environment by allowing your teen to face the windows, so that he/she can see outside.  If permitted, take your teen for a walk around campus while you visit.

9. Sometimes a letter can be a good way to communicate your feelings with your teen, when in-person communication may be too difficult, or when you really want to emphasize a point.  Your teen will have the letter to read & re-read on his/her own time.

10. If your teen is receptive, reminiscing can be a good way to re-live some of the good times you've shared as a family.  

11. Sharing old photos can be a great way to start a conversation.

12. Don’t try to force teachable moments into each visit.  Your teen is already experiencing the negative consequences of his/her actions.

 

 

Our teens are sensitive and sometimes they reach a heightened sense of awareness towards criticism.  For example, we may think we are helping or even re-framing by saying: 

Parent:   Boy, I guess you really need to start making better decisions, huh? 

However, being in a fragile place and perhaps already feeling quite badly about how things turned out, i.e., being back in some sort of placement or inpatient, the teen might feel like hey, if you just came here to rub my nose in it, don't even bother. 

So, the hostile response to this little statement might be: 

Teen:  Oh do ya think?  Duh! 

Or the response might be silence, and nothing said after that is going to get the teen to share anything about how he is feeling. Or maybe the teen perceiving that he is being attacked might strike back with: 

Teen:  Oh you really make good decisions huh?  Well 16 years ago when you decided to have another baby you screwed up!" 

When a teen is in placement it's probably better to go in with a line more like: 

Parent:  Don't beat yourself up.  

                  or

Parent:  You are really hard on yourself.  You know being in here I'm just going to guess that it's hard to remember all the good decisions you've made.

Teen:  Like what?

Parent:  Well, you know, like the way you brought up your school grade in Chem, or when you decided to get some counseling, or when you picked that funny card for Mom for her birthday.  Or when you told your sister that you liked the Onion Surprise dish she made for you and we could all see it was pretty bad!  You know I could go on and on but what's the point, it's only natural that you feel bad right now and that's OK too.

 

Teen:  You don't know how it feels to be in a place like this. 

Parent:  No I definitely do not.  I mean, sure I've made my share of lousy decisions so I get that part, but I do not know what it's like to be in here.  Want to tell me about it?    

 

Anyone with additional thoughts, please add them as Comments to this post!