|
|
Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
As everyone told us he would, our son David returned home on Sunday night, after being gone for a total of 10 days. We were relieved but very cautious - Mel and I had made sure we were mentally prepared. All week long we discussed what would be the best thing to say, or not say, when he finally walked in. We agreed that on the first evening at least, we would remain calm, would not get into any deep discussion, and make sure we told him we loved him. We were going to do this no matter what mood brought him in the door. When he walked in, he strode by me quickly, my sense being he was afraid of what I was going to do. What I did do, was call him, make him come to where I was, and gave him a bear hug that I held on to for a while. He hugged back. Then the same thing with Mel. We told him to get a shower, get something to eat, and we'll talk soon.
That said...a counselor we have worked with at Gateway said to us "I can always tell when I am getting somewhere when the kid starts behaving like the possessed girl from The Exorcist - They will try several ways of fighting you (the Exorcist) until they (the possessed) are broken down and are ready to be repaired". I thought that was an apt analogy, so I didn't get overly excited when our son was pleasant and reasonable in our first round of discussions: our talking points were: what did you learn from this, do you understand how and why things got to this point, do you understand as a result, that further consequences will occur? No one yelled, no one argued, he was calm, and seemed to understand what we were saying. Again, Mel and I made sure to add how much we love him, and that anything we do in regards to him is about keeping him physically and emotionally safe so he can grow up and have choices in his life.
The next day, the demon started to rear his head. He couldn't get out of bed, didn't want to go to school, wouldn't go to Gateway, announced that he was going out, he couldn't possibly stay home all day, it was beautiful out and he was bored. I put my foot down. Still didn't yell, but went over again the reasons he had gotten himself into this jam in the first place. He started to scream "I shouldn't be in this at all...all I had was a little weed for personal use, and the cop could have let it go, but NOOOOO, he has to get ME, and everyone else got away!!"
I said " first of all, weed in any amount is illegal. Secondly, you are under age. Thirdly, the cop did what he was supposed to, thankfully. And finally, you are blaming everyone else for your situation except for yourself! You need to learn that you control your choices, and therefore any consequence, good or bad that comes with it, is something you have earned". After much back and forth on this note, he finished "You guys are @$$holes!" I decided to use a little what I learned in PSST. I got into his physical space, leaned towards him and agreed with him.."we may be @$$holes, but we are @$$holes who love you and care about you more than any human on this earth!" The phone rang - it was his PO telling us we have a detention hearing for him tomorrow at Shuman. More to come...
(Clipart from Clipartheaven.com)
We've discussed this a lot at PSST meetings and lately this issue has come up a bit for me dealing with parents outside of group. Some of our posts on preparing for and dealing with home passes are buried deep in our blog. I'm going to attempt to unbury them by placing links on this post. The first one is Home Pass from Institution: 10 things to keep in mind. In re-reading this, I realize that there are really eleven things to keep in mind. The comment at the end brings up #11, which is sex during home passes! Don't think it can't happen. The next post is entitled Preparing for a Six-hour Home Pass. This is a little introduction to an earlier post followed by a link to our original role-play from 1997. If you don't see the link there or if you want to skip straight to it click original role-play.
I just noticed that the original was written almost exactly three years ago! In fact, the role-play mentions an Easter Visit.
I hope you all had a Happy Easter. I also wish all of you to have either (1)the best ever visits with your teenagers or better yet, I wish that (2)you all learn important stuff about what's going on inside that teenager-head!
In a way a home pass with your teenager is like lifting the hood of your car and checking the oil. When we see that we are a quart low (or sometimes two) we feel bad. Nevertheless, it's really good that we looked under there isn't it? The things our teens do and say on home passes are often indicative of what they are really thinking. Sometimes we can even see what they intend to do after discharge. We need to know. Sometimes it hurts, but it's always better to know than not to know. Sometimes we leave them in treatment longer because we hope they can either find the quart of oil they need, or better yet, just have the oil and the filter changed.
Also, while they are in inpatient we hope they will find "the miracle." However, we are not always aware that by not allowing them to manipulate us on a home pass we are providing treatment ourselves. When we stand firm on our talking points or when we stand up to them, look them in the eye, and say something like:
"No, not this time- this time we do it our way. And while you're in treatment, we hope that you come to understand that things at home are going to be different when you return."
Bam. Boom. The parent(s) who do this have just delivered perhaps a more effective treatment than the teenager got all week in the rehab. Rather than compare effectiveness of treatments it would be better to point out that the treatment administered by the parent compliments and enhances the treatment administered by the rehab.
In other words, the teenager who just got his "chain rattled" because he could no longer manipulate his parent on a home pass is now primed for treatment at the rehab. On the other hand, the parent who is still afraid to upset his teenager or is afraid to have a "bad visit" has confirmed to the teenager that it is still the teenager who is all-powerful. That all-powerful teenager is going to have a difficult time making good use of the treatment at the rehab. Instead, we are going to hear, "he's not ready."
Think about it. Why should he change? He is still powerful enough to scare his parents even though he is in inpatient isn't he? This teen will cruise though treatment knowing that when he comes home he'll still be the one-in-charge.
We had eleven fa mily members in attendance at this meeting. There were so many issues going on for these families that we ended up talking and helping each other for two hours and fifteen minutes before we realized we did not even take our break. 
One regular mom quoted Alexander Pope and said hope springs eternal... and this is true.
Hope springs eternal in the human breast: Man never is, but always To be Blest. - Alexander Pope
Our HOPE is OUR BLESSING!
We will work through all of this and we will continue to fight the good fight.
Ethyl was there and brought some inspiration. (Read the post about her daughter Lucy who is now in the Navy). I was pleased that our other son, I will call him Frodo, came along to shed some light on how a sibling feels and lives with the fact that their home is in turmoil because of a teenager's addiction with drugs.
At any rate, we took our break when the meeting should have ended and then Rocco and Frodo and I had to go but I heard that several parents stayed on to do some great role playing.
Thanks again to our fearless leaders, Lloyd, Val and Kathie who we enjoy spending our Saturday's with to learn how to be good parents to children who have addictions.
Read More......
Here is a small update on Emily written by Emily's mom. Life is unpredictable and tough, just when you think you have got a hang of how it all works, it changes. I know your heart is broken, mom, but hang in there Here is a quote that helps me at times. "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."
-Ernest Hemingway
I encourage any readers who have a bit of wisdom or a thought on this to post it.
Just when I thought I could breathe a little easier, the walls came crashing down yet again. Emily AWOL'ed from her RTF, went to the nearest grocery store, stole some Nyquil and drank almost the whole bottle until she was found by the RTF staff. Even after nearly a year away from home and in the system, her cravings are obviously still strong. I am devastated. Her Consent Decree hearing is scheduled for May 3rd. This means that the charges from last year that would have been dropped, should she have successfully completed treatment at the RTF, will now go on her Juvenile record and the new charge of shoplifting will also be added. This is what I did not want for her or her future. She really did herself in this time. The sad thing? She still blames everyone except herself. She still has no remorse and takes no personal responsibility for what she did. I am furious with her. When will she stop playing the victim? When will she want to get better? EVER? I am furious. I have stopped taking her calls and have no intentions on visiting her until I see her investing in working toward making some positive changes within herself. God only knows when that will be.
Read More......
 Rocco was thinking of Emily's mom and Emily's Progress and we both thought these words of wisdom were apropriate.
Protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question.
PROTECT OUR DOUBTS
Protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at the many answers that exist to one question.
And in order for this to be possible...
Protect our decisions, because Decisions is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another. May our YES always be a YES, and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse.
And in order for this to be possible...
Protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and Action, share a little of the love we receive.
And in order for this to be possible...
Protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way of praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or our circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and perseverance.
And in order for this to be possible...
Protect our enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heaven and to Earth, to grown-ups, and to children; it is what tells us that our desires are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing.
And in order for this to be possible...
Protect our "us"; Because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmute wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and feel enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory.
Amen
Paulo Coelho - Brazilian lyricist and novelistIn 1996, Coelho founded the Paulo Coelho Institute, which provides aid to children and elderly people with financial problems. In September 2007, Coelho was named a Messenger of Peace to the United Nations.
Read More......
Hi, it has been a while since I filled you in on our family and how we are progressing. We are changing (for the better) and I feel that y'all have been such good friends and confidants as you listened to my stories.... From the emotional Roller Coaster I rode when Cisco relapsed to the declaration that The Spell Has Been Broken! Well, we are at the crossroads once again. Cisco will soon successfully complete his stay in the Gateway YES program. We are so proud of his progress. It certainly is a natural 'mom thing' to want him home and want the memories of his actions to fade away like a bad dream. Never the Less, addictions don't easily go away, addictions are deceitful, cunning and baffling. It took me three months to process that he is not yet ready to come home. He is not yet strong enough to master this deceitful, cunning and baffling enigma.
Cisco had another three hour pass on Saturday; Rocco was out of town on business so I trekked out on my own to see him. Well, I wasn't completely alone, I took The Beagle with me. The Beagle is good company for a long drive but I will make a mental note for next time not to share my happy meal with The Beagle because he does get car sick.
Cisco and I walked in the park and talked about many things. He was respectful and introspective. We talked about some things that really matter. Like what he needs to do to stay clean and how often he feels like using. Cisco wants to get a job and finish his GED so that he can take some college courses. He is talking positively about moving on to Liberty Station (an adolescent halfway house).
Cisco is not as self-centered as he used to be. Because of his placement, he has not been able to see his 89 year old grandpap since January. He wants us to tell grandpap where he is so that grandpap can see him. He is afraid grandpap just thinks Cisco is not visiting him because he doesn't care about him.
Cisco's probation officer said we have a court date coming up soon. I asked him if he foresees a problem with getting Liberty Station court ordered. Lloyd feels that the public defender will fight it and may get Cisco riled up about going there. Let me tell you one thing for the record. I am ready for a fight with any ol' P.D. It took me some time to process that Cisco needs more help but now Rocco and I have both come to the conclusion that he does. We have all worked too hard to get Cisco to where he is today and I am not going to drop the ball now.
I will keep you posted. Thanks for listening.
Our younger son, David, is 14 1/2. He was always a kid with lots of nice friends, kids with involved parents. Even as he moved from elementary school to middle school, the friends he chose always seemed to have a home with a parent who was paying attention......
With a cell and house number I could (and did) call. He played lots of sports: was on 2 baseball and 2 basketball teams. Was the star pitcher. Was a pretty good golfer. He was a "sought after playmate" according to teachers. He was always having friends over, meeting them at the field for games, going to summer camp, ect. All parents whose homes he frequented told me what a great kid he was - always a pleasure and always welcome. School was a slightly different matter; he was diagnosed with ADHD as a young kid, and as having mild dyslexia in about 3rd grade. Because of this, school was always difficult & stressful. I have had hired tutors for him for after school support since 1st grade, and he always responded well to them, and did better because of them. Homework was always a hassle, for the aforementioned reasons. Because of these issues, and because of David's older brother Michael's poor experience with the public high school, we decided last year that a boarding school would be the best option for David's high school. We planned to find one that provided built in academic support for his learning needs, and some built in behavior modification for his somewhat oppositional demeanor. This is still in the works...
Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure, Part II
My husband Mel, son Michael and I were sitting at dinner one night at the beginning of this school year, last fall. David was to be home for dinner, but was late (again) - he had been not coming home for dinner more and more lately. He also had a new crew of friends that Mel and I weren't too thrilled with. They were from a different neighborhood, and from homes that suddenly didn't have numbers that anyone would hand out. The parents didn't seem to care if they met me or knew who I was. We had been talking to David about this, and tried to encourage him to reconnect with some other friends, while understanding a teen's need to try new people, and not be told with whom they can hang out. The phone rings. It's Officer Jones saying he has David in the squad car, that he was high, that he had confiscated marijuana from his possession. I drove to the exact house in the exact neighborhood that I knew this took place. Was told we would be receiving something in the mail. Took David home, screaming my lungs out at him all the way - not the best choice, I now know, but the only thing I could think of at the moment. We grounded him. Took away his telephone. Forbid him to hang out with these undesirable friends...we did our best to sit on him, punish him, limit him socially. David didn't seem to be as rattled about this incident as I expected he would be. So my plan was, when we got something in the mail, I would jump in and make sure he got what he deserved. It seemed to take forever, but finally something arrived that happened to have Val Ketter's name on the letterhead. BINGO. I called and said "I need help with this kid -- he needs to be rattled - can we get him a PO or something, so he understands the seriousness of this situation?" And, that is how I found PSST. Not long after, Val hooked us up with David's PO, Larissa. Larissa is a tough woman, who made sure David knew that it would take her very little to send him to Shuman, which thankfully frightened him. She made David sign a contract to go to rehab at Gateway, to attend school, and to get periodic drug tests. He signed.
Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure, Part III
David went to one-on-one counseling for D & A at Gateway as instructed. He did not stop smoking Marijuana, as his test results clearly showed, so he was referred to the Adolescent program, 3 days per week, 3:30 - 7pm. He started skipping school with these newfound friends, hiding in my basement, breaking in through the basement window when they couldn't get in the house. Smoked pot in the house (out the window), left evidence around. I had him taken to the Magistrate for skipping. He was disrespectful to him, and was therefore given a double fine. Lost a text book for $100. Stole money from us. His accumulated debt, which started with fees incurred by the first incident, now hovers around $1000. We have given him lots of opportunities to work it off, but he refuses. Refuses to be grounded by us ("I don't care, I'm leaving anyway"). He has not played a sport, not even skateboarded. Doesn't want to go to camp this year. His oppositional behavior has become more pronounced, not adjusting his attitude for teachers, principles, magistrates and certainly not his parents. At Gateway, his THC counts rose. He is now considered "Partial", 3 days per week, 3:30 - 9pm,. Refuses to go to AA/NA meetings, which are required. On Wednesday the 24th, David informed me he was suspended from school the following day because he did not attend his after school detention (which, by the way, he received from accumulating several lunch detentions, those received because he either talked back to a teacher, disrupted the class, refused to pull up his jeans, etc). I said he was officially grounded at that time through the day of his suspension. He said "no I'm NOT" , and jumped out of the car (not before asking me for money, to which I said "no") and slammed the door. Mel and I attended the family meeting at Gateway anyway, even though we knew he wasn't going to be there, and discussed with the group our situation. Everyone in attendance - the therapists and other kids said, "he needs to be kicked out of the house, the locks changed, and not allowed back in unless he is willing to follow house rules." He simply hasn't had serious enough consequences to shake him up. Mel and I were ready - we had enough.
Max and Mel's Terrible Adventure: The Final Showdown
With the help of the PSST group and the very brave parents who came before us - along with the guidance and help of the great people at Gateway, we had our final showdown, last Thursday, March 25th. We could never, ever have done this without knowing others who have been through it as well, and lived to tell the tale.
David "came home for a shower" after staying out Wednesday night, even bringing with him his most egregious friend. We stopped him in his tracks and said - "We cannot tolerate your behavior and lack of cooperation any longer. You are no longer allowed in the house unless you plan to follow the house rules. Otherwise, if you go, be prepared to stay out. We are changing the locks today. If you break in, or try to break in, we will call the police". He left.
Even though we feel confident that we did the right thing, the best thing for him in the long run, we are sad, worried, and unsure of what to do next. We haven't seen nor spoken to him since last Thursday. We are hoping that he tires of running from house to house, and will want to come home. I am looking forward to some much needed support from anyone who has been there, done that - as well as talking it out this coming Saturday.
Read More......
While we have no magic words in Parenting Skills, we do have words when used with a certain approach, can work like magic. Consider the word "NOW." If we mean it when we say it and if we are prepared to remain in our teenager's face when we say it (without yelling about it) we can see a dramatic shifting of power.
Here's the basic idea: if we can do something to get our teenager's behavior where we want it, without punishing and without bribery or inappropriate rewarding, then we are way ahead of the Who's In Charge Game. For example, your teenager has dirty dishes in his room. You have asked him over and over again to bring the dishes down and it's always the same response: "OK, in a minute." But the minute never comes. As a parent you are getting angrier and angrier and you fear that bugs or rodents might make a move on your teenager's room and of course infest the whole house.
Of course, you can threaten to take his cell phone or his Halo video game if he doesn't clean up his room but then you are into punishment. Of course, we sometimes need punishment in order to hold our teenagers accountable; however, it is much better if we can hold our teenager's accountable without punishment. One way to do this is by saying and meaning the word NOW.
So, how does it work? When you spot the dishes and glasses in his room walk in and confront him by saying something like this:
Dad: Son, I need these dishes and glasses carried downstairs.
Son: I'll get it later Dad, I'm busy playing this game [substitute watching this show or texting this girl].
Dad: [Dad moves in closer to his son so that he is about a foot away but he keeps his voice low and calm and he has good strong eye-contact] Not later Son; I need you to do it now.
Son: I said I was busy Dad I'll get it in a minute![Son is getting a tad louder at this point]
Dad: Regardless, Son I need this carried down now. [Dad is using strong eye contact and now he is narrowing the gap, only about 10 inches from his son now and as he leans in to confront his son you can feel the power. When we did the role-play in group we could all feel the power. You might call it the Power of Command.]
At this point Dad is committed. He must stick with it until the dishes are carried downstairs. He has invoked the sacred word, "NOW" and if he invokes this word and then does not see the task through, then the word may never work the same for him again. It's magic will wane.
Therefore, DO NOT USE THIS WORD unless you really mean it and are prepared to drop everything and stay with your teenager until task is accomplished. No threats are necessary and in fact, threatening at this point might be counter-productive and cause unnecessary resentment.
Threats are overkill. Likewise, once a teenager carries the dishes and glasses downstairs do not follow that up with a lecture or with a punishment. It does not help at that point to say, "See wasn't that easy, don't you wish that you just did that on you own without me having to point it out." That' s sort of rubbing the teenagers' nose in it if you will, and it is now much more gracious to say, "Thanks Son, I appreciate that." Once the teenager has carried the stuff downstairs you are free to give him some positive verbal reinforcement.
The reason that threats and punishments are not necessary is that the Dad has one huge advantage over the teenager. The teenager really really wants the Dad to go away so that he can resume his texting, TV watching, or game playing. Dad, on the other hand has nothing better to do at the moment except stand there and get close to his son's face and keep repeating:
Dad: I want that carried downstairs now Son.
Son: Why? Give me one good reason that crap has to be carried down now.
TRAP ALERT: Yes you have a million good reasons for wanting that stuff carried down right now but don't give him anything other than that's just the way you want it done. That's it. Otherwise, he will debate you endlessly and probably win.
Dad: I need you to carry that stuff down now Son. It's time for carrying not for asking questions.
Son: Give me one good reason why now?
Dad: You need to move that stuff now Son- that's the reason.
Son: That's not a reason.
Dad: Nevertheless, you need to carry these plates and glasses down to the kitchen now, Son.
A parent tried this technique recently and it worked brilliantly for him. He used it with the glasses and plates and food accumulating in his teenagers room, other chores like garbage that needed taken out, and even having some of his clothes returned that the teenager had "borrowed." Teenagers will usually comply with the demand for "NOW" once they realize that the parent is not going away until the task is completed.
Another benefit: using the NOW word and having your teenager comply means that you are the dominant in-charge adult at your house. Now your teen will have accepted that. The more you do this kind of thing the more you establish yourself as the boss. This means that you now speak with the voice of someone who is in charge. More important issues like curfew, drug abuse, hanging with old friends, and disrespectful behaviors are going to be easier to approach because you now speak with the voice of authority. Does that mean these issues won't come up? Of course not. These issues will continue to come up but now you as a parent have the dominant stance and that's going to give you the edge. You are the big dog.
Consider the other way: You nag nag nag your teenager to bring those cups downstairs. He says "OK later," but he never does it. The dishes stack up until one of two things happen. Either all your dishes are now in your teenager's bedroom or you go in and take them downstairs for him. Either way, he is in the dominant position of power and you are in the submissive position. Now you get bigger issues such as curfew, drug abuse, and hanging with old friends.
You tell him that he better straighten up and fly right. Why should he listen to you? You're the same parent who was not strong enough to get him to bring his dishes downstairs so there is no way he is going to come in when you say. He is the big dog of the house now and he knows it.
Who ever said "don't sweat the small stuff" wasn't working with defiant teenagers. It's important to sweat some, but not all, of the small stuff. It keeps you eating out of the big dog dish so to speak.
So get between your teenager and the TV he is watching. Take the cell phone he is texting on if that is going to get his attention. Stay with him until he gets off his butt and takes that garbage out. Sooner or later he will do those things just because he doesn't want you to pull the do it now thing on him and that's when you know two things. One: you are the one in charge. And two: you are teaching your teenager responsibility.
I'm going to write more about other ways to keep your dominant position of power in the next continuing post. Stay tuned for Who is the big dog part-two.
If you've tried this and it's worked for you-please leave us a comment about it.
PART 2 Here is the next part of a mom’s missing memories. Lori shared this in 2008. Her story touches all families of teenage addicts. Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - by Lori "When dealing with a teenage drug addict, you will find many typical teenage events that never happen and many memories that will never be. And regardless of how much we try to force them to be, they still will never be. And there are still many more memories that are painful and we would rather forget…"
To continue with Lori's story, use the link below or click on the title of this post above:
Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - Part 2 of 6 - by Lori
Each week I will post the next entry or you can link to them through the PSST blog.
Thank you Lori - This helps us understand and cope. We are just now going through this realization ourselves at this time.
Rocco
Here is a letter from just one of the many parents who is so thankful to have found the help and dedication she needed from Kathie of Wesley Spectrum, Val & Lloyd of PSST and Lynn from Act 53. We will call her "Ethel" and her daughter "Lucy". (Click play button on black scree to view video.)
From: Ethel PSST Parent
To: Judge Kim Eaton Subject: A heartfelt thanks, Kim
Date: Thu, Oct 22, 2009 10:58 Pm
Attachments: Numerous pictures of Lucy at Graduation and in Navy uniform.
Hi Kim, I hope this can be one of the success stories that make the sometimes-depressing job of presiding over Family Court worth it.
Permit me to thank you. And share. And gloat a little (as a mom).
Lucy graduated Navy Boot Camp a week ago. Had I known the Navy would do in 8 weeks that which I could not do in 18 years, I would have relaxed a little more over all those years. LOL.
Please count us as a “success story.” That never would have happened without so many wonderful people in the Allegheny County Court system.
It was a rough, difficult 16 (or so)years.
You were the first one- who took me on as a client, who believed in my story. And then gave me an affordable way to do this. I never heard an attorney say, “You know this system by now and can handle it on your own. You don’t need to rack up more attorney fees.” Very grateful for that.
Then Lynn Redick from Act 53: Years later, when the fall-out of our divorce really set in, and Lucy went off the deep end; she saved our lives.
Lloyd Woodward, Juvenile Probation Officer extraordinaire. His Boss Val Ketter- they saved our lives. They started the Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST).
And especially Kathie Tagmyer (family therapist) from Wesley Spectrum. There are no words to express my (and Lucy’s) gratitude for how she has helped. She is now working closely with Lloyd and Val with PSST.
All four of them have gone above and beyond the call of duty for me and so many other parents and their children. If there is any award they can be nominated for or more importantly, any funding PSST can receive to help them do their wonderful work, please let me know. I would go to any length to see that they are recognized for what they do. I could also muster dozens of other parents to do the same.
All of you brought this family through some dark days.
Now for the good part: Lucy graduated Navy Boot Camp last week. She is firmly and happily ensconced in Gulfport MS training to be a Seabee. She is a sailor through and through. It is astounding to me that only 2 years ago; this was the daughter who would put cigarettes out in her palm to see if she was drunk enough.
I have always believed a picture is worth a thousand words. I am attaching 2: one before and one after. The first is the day she is leaving for Boot Camp. The second is Navy Boot Camp graduation day. I wish I had a photo from the really dark days- pre Act 53 and rehab. It was much much worse.
You, Lynn, Kathie, Lloyd, and Val will always be carried in my heart. If there is ANYTHING I can do to repay this gift, let me know.
BTW, Lucy’s father also came to her graduation. He was actually tolerable. Without Kathie’s intervention, I don’t think he could have been there for her.
Ethel
 The resoluteness and mindfulness of the parents as they spoke about their teenagers this Saturday was so inspiring to me. I think one particular single mom taught me about tough love and made me realize that I was feeling sorry for myself and my son in our situation. The firm love and dedication of another couple was so apparent that I left the meeting with a new outlook.
As always the meeting helped me tremendously. I wish all parents with issues were there to experience it. Eight parents attended and we were lead by Lloyd, Val and Kathie. After we got an update of each family's situation we learned and laughed with some role-plays.
We were made aware that April 20th is "GET HIGH DAY". Also, on April 17th Jim Musiol from DTx will speak at our Mt Lebanon meeting. He will inform us on what kids do to get a negative reading on drug tests. Parents who attend PSST may purchase drug tests from Jim. These are very accurate drug test used by many agencies and will be sold at a reasonable price. Check out the website http://www.1stepdtx.com/
Read More......
We like bumper stickers. The other day we saw one that read:
“Real Men Don’t Ask for Directions”
Sally laughed at me for laughing at it. Well just let me say that if I ever do get LOST, I will ask for directions. Regardless, until I have crossed more than one state line or burned an entire tank of gas, then I am probably not LOST. I feel that I am going exactly the way that I intended to. I will circle around for hours, while saying things like, "Hey, I know we’re in the right neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11" and "Hang on, it looks like I've found a new way to get there." I will even admit that a few weeks back I “found a new way to get there” while ignoring my GPS.
This tendency has been labeled as a stubborn thing, a pride thing, a “lack of trust” thing, a childish thing or a macho thing.
Whatever it is, it is definitely a “Man Thing.”
About a year ago I had to admit that we were totally lost. We were in desperate need for new directions on how to navigate this whole teenage addiction thing. We have been attending PSST meetings since then. We have learned some new skills, taken back control of our lives and have our son on his way to recovery. We have met a lot of caring and concerned people, both professionals and our fellow parents.
Something that we have both noticed though is that the parent that is attending the meeting is typically the Mom. And that is okay. Nevertheless the meetings usually have about 4 or 5 women to each guy. In addition to the case of the Single Mom there are probably other reasons for the Dads not making it in; work, appointments, younger sisters and brothers to care for and, from our very own experience, not wanting to leave our son and our home unprotected. Hopefully this shortage is not a stubborn thing, a pride thing, a “lack of trust” thing, a childish thing or a macho thing.
We would like to have a few more good men attending our PSST Meetings on Saturday morning from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. You are cordially invited to sit in, discuss, contribute, consider some ideas, ask questions, express your point of view and help develop some innovative solutions.
Maybe you can even (shudder at the thought) pick up some new directions.
Read More......
Reducing Risk: Understanding the Adolescent Brain Wondering why teens and adults don't see eye to eye? This free conference may help.
Searching for better strategies to protect adolescents?
Looking for effective ways to prevent alcohol, tobacco & other drug use?
Register now for a one day conference for school professionals including: counselors, SAP coordinators, administrators, health teachers, curriculum specialists; and for tobacco prevention and cessation specialists; community providers; student assistance program professionals; health professionals and other adolescent gatekeepers. This training will be conducted by the Director and staff of Addiction Medicine Services, Western Psychiatric Institute & Clinic, UPMC, including two Commonwealth of PA approved Student Assistance Program CAT (CAT) Trainers. CEU Credits are available to participants: Act 48 – 5 credits, CAC / CPS, NBCC, LSW/LCSW/LPC/LMFT.
Training conferences will be held in four locations : April 7 (State College), April 14 (Stroudsburg), April 20 ( Westmoreland Co. Community College ), and April 23 (Clarion).
For additional details or to register, go to: www.tobaccofreeallegheny.org
The Pennsylvania Department of Health Division of Tobacco Prevention and Control, the Bureau of Drug and Alcohol Programs, and the Department of Education, Division of Student and Safe School Services are jointly sponsoring this training, which is endorsed and supported by the Student Assistance Program (SAP) Interagency Committee.
Participants will receive a copy of the National Institutes of Health (NIH) curriculum series: The Brain: Understanding Neurobiology through the Study of Addiction and related evidenced based materials, as well as a copy of Pennsylvania ’s 100% Tobacco Free Schools Toolkit. Included with the NIH curriculum is a CD Rom containing lesson plans and other materials for use in the class room.
Conference Faculty:
· Cele Fichter DeSando, MPM is the director for prevention at Addiction Medicine Services, Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic (WPIC), UPMC as an author, and national conference presenter with more than 25 years in the field, Ms Fichter-DeSando is an oft- requested trainer on addiction-related topics.
· Marge Modro, MS, CPS is a Commonwealth of PA approved Student Assistance Program trainer for Addiction Medicine Services, WPIC, UPMC. Ms Modro is certified as a Pennsylvania prevention specialist and holds national certification as a crisis management trainer and receives high praise for her evidenced-based trainings.
· Susan Tarasevich, Ed.D is a nationally recognized leader in the design, implementation and evaluation of Student Assistance Programs and is a Commonwealth of PA approved Student Assistance Program trainer for Addiction Medicine Services, WPIC, UPMC. Dr. Tarasevich is sought after for her expertise in the strategic application of research-based principles.
Phyllis Zitzer
Public Health Program Administrator
Division of Tobacco Prevention and Control
Bureau of Health Promotion and Risk Reduction
Pennsylvania Department of Health
625 Forster Street Room 1032 Health & Welfare Building
Harrisburg , PA 17120-0701
Phone: 717-783-6600 Fax: 717-214-6690
Email: pzitzer@state.pa.us
www.health.state.pa.us
During a recent visit with our son at Gateway YES he expressed his unhappiness that his addiction had cheated him out of his teenage years. We strongly agreed with him. We as a family had lost what should have been some of our best memories. A few years ago PSST parent (who we know as Lori) was compassionate enough to post the story of her teen's drug addiction. She wrote about the consequences of his addiction, not just his consequences, but the whole family's. Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - Part 1 of 6 - by Lori “I describe the events leading to my realization that I had lost my teenager to drugs and the steps I took to cope with that realization, get my son help, and rebuild my family with our new adult son in drug recovery. I am offering my story to help raise the awareness of the teen drug problem, to help destroy the stereotype of the drug addiction as being an inner city issue, and to share some of the lessons I have learned with the hope that they may benefit you and your family... ...I still need my son to be 9 years old, because I am still waiting for all those teenage things that have yet to happen. I am still waiting for a relationship with my teenage son. Helping him with high school projects, driving him to school because he missed the bus, talking about his friends, a girlfriend, seeing him at school events, helping him pick a suit for the prom, having those special moments with him when everyone else has gone to bed, hanging his senior pictures by his sister’s, talking to him about who to invite to his graduation party and watching him grow into a man. I picture myself spending time with him talking about life, talking about what he wants from life, spending weekends with him visiting universities, and watching him begin to realize his dreams. I am still waiting for those moments. And I continue to search my memory for these events, but they never happened. How can he be 21 years old?"
To start Lori's story, use the link below or click on the titile of this post above:
Losing a Teenager and Gaining an Adult - Part 1 of 6 - by Lori
Each week I will post the next entry or you can link to them through the PSST blog.
Thank you Lori - This is a big help to us. We are just now going through this realization ourselves.
Rocco
|
|
