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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Yelling
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, September 10, 2009
 Yelling is counter-productive. Not only is it not an effective way to discipline your teenager, but it causes resentments. Causing resentments is not the best way to manage a teenager who may be on the verge of being out-of-control. Why does it happen so often? I believe that it is because the yelling becomes the discipline. In other words, there is no discipline or accountability. We just rip em a new one. That'll teach em. Unfortunately, this does not usually teach them much, other than this: if you're feeling mad go ahead and yell and blame other people. Once our teenagers have learned this lesson we can be sure that we will at some point have them yelling and blaming us. How can we cut down on the yelling?
First: admit that yelling is not effective. Period. It just doesn't work for you- except that maybe you feel better because you blew off some steam. But what did it do to change your teenager's behavior? Admit that it must be all about making you feel better because it is not helping your teenager's behavior.
Second: become aware of when you are yelling. Pay attention to what precedes a yelling outburst. Try to see it coming so that you can strategize how to avoid it. Ask your teenager to point out to you when you are yelling. That's a favor that most teens would be more than happy to perform.
Third: Follow a strategy to change your yelling. For example, hold your teenager accountable for his behavior. Theodore Roosevelt wrote, "I have always been fond of the West African proverb: `Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.'' Do less yelling at teens and do more holding teens accountable. Ground them. Take their cell phones. Take their license. Take their computer time. Suddenly, you will feel less like riping them a new one because you sort of did that already.
Fourth: Move in closer- make good eye contact- and talk slowly and quietly- and really mean what you say. Your teenagers will be surprised. You might be surprised too at how effective and powerful this is. Also, if they are yelling at you they will find that it is difficult to continue to yell once someone moves in on them an inch or so and starts talking slowly.
I’ve stepped down, so that I could step up.
When my friends and colleagues hear that I’ve requested a demotion at work that’s what I tell them.
Recently my son Michael came back home after almost 10 months at Abraxas, where he fought against, struggled with, and ultimately completed the first leg on his journey toward recovery. I as well as his brother and sister, ages 14 and 16 are glad to have him home. He seems like a changed person. He is certainly neater, having finally learned how to make a bed! He also seems a lot quieter, gentler and certainly more focused. I’m sure I am seeing the real Michael but it is such a contrast to the mean, loud and disrespectful person we lived with before his being sent to placement that it’s easy to wonder if you really know this person at all.
Underneath all of these changes though, I feel an undercurrent of another set of emotions. Maybe fear? Restlessness? Boredom? I’m not sure and I don’t think even he can articulate the feelings there. I do know this; he needs me now more than he has ever needed me before. He needs me to support him. To make sure he gets to NA meetings. He needs me to make sure none of his old friends are hanging out at our house. He needs me to observe him for signs of a relapse. Basically he needs me to be a self appointed pain in the butt watchdog that wants him to succeed in his fight against himself. He just doesn’t know he needs me. I do.
I also know that my other kids are out there facing the same decisions Mike had to face. They have friends that use drugs or are being offered drugs themselves. Maybe they’ve tried them or are curious as to what all the fuss is about. They need me to observe and share all I am learning as I hold big brother’s hand. They need me too.
All of this was what prompted me to call my boss in for a sit down and the retail store I manage. She’s a District Manager of a large company so she is well aware that her coming to our stores is a major production. It means days of “fluffing” and dusting and “be on your toes, Stacy’s coming in”. So when I asked her to come she knew it was bad news. She walked in with that I know you’re about to give me your notice face and she was right. I had interviewed and found a replacement for myself to save her the trouble and I told her she’d love her and I was right.
I asked to step down from a full time salaried position to an hourly position working about 20 hours less a week than I did before. I told her everything that had gone on with my family in the past year and why I was making the decision to take on this new role as General Manager of my home. I told her I felt like my kids needed me more now than they ever did before and I couldn’t let them down. She agreed and told me I am an inspiration to her and no matter how long I need, when my family is ready I will always be able to move back up in our company.
Phew, I didn’t commit career suicide.
But, I will be with my family more. I will check homework assignments and make dinner more. I will look into their eyes when they tell me where they’ve been. I will make more PSST meetings and go to family night at Gateway. I will be the Ambassador of my children’s lives and there is nothing more valuable than that. So, I’m stepping down so that I can step up, as a parent.
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 Kurash warns parents that, if their child is stealing from them, that child has an addiction which has progressed significantly. “At that point, you need help. That child is far gone, deeply involved in substance abuse. Parents are reluctant to press charges against their own child, but this is an opportunity to get the legal system involved and get help.” Click here to go to full article in Spring 2009 Guide To Good Health.
Although they may feel overwhelmed and uncertain, parents are not helpless and their actions can go a long way in supporting their child’s recovery. Kurash recommends taking away their driving privileges. “If your child is getting high, he or she should not be driving. Many parents will still let them drive and this is dangerous. They WILL drive high. Plus, a car gives them the means to go to get drugs. If your child has a car or is still driving yours, pay attention to the car’s mileage; kids will go far to get drugs, to the hubs where there is a lot of drug activity.”
If there are prescription drugs in the home, lock them up. Substance abuse is a progression that commmonly begins with prescription drugs and alcohol. Sedatives such as Xanax or painkillers like Vicodin and Percocet are popular and are present in many homes. “Kids know where to look and will use what’s available; they like the relaxing effect of these drugs. Oxycontin leads right to heroin; the effect is the same and heroin is actually less expensive,” Kurash says.
Taking away cell phones and cash are also helpful measures. “These actions may not completely prevent your child from using, but they place obstacles before them that make it more difficult for them. If your child has a job and has their own money, make them accountable for it. A heroin habit can become expensive. Click here to go to full article in Spring 2009 Guide To Good Health.
NOTE: Thanks to Nicole Kurash who we contacted prior to posting. No profit is expected from these links back to Guide To Good Health magazine.
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 Special Thanks to The Steelers, and PSST parents Mary, Beth and Erv for making this outing and the tail-gating a big success. This is our third year going to a preseason Steeler Game. The seats were fantastic. I will post more pics at the CHN web page.
Type rest of the post here
With the permission of the parent we are reprinting this recent email. We now can reveal that this comment is from "Sally." Hi Lloyd, For the last hour of so I have been educating myself by reading your PSST nevertheless website. WOW! The myths of addiction were very helpful and I reread the way addicts manipulate a parent. I really should have started educating myself years ago. But I will not fret about that but simply try to 'catch up' now. Cisco tried the guilting on me tonight. When I explained that he should NOT have ANY contact with [ a certain peer]. He told me that his addiction is partially my fault...
I had to tell him twice that It is his addiction and I am not to blame. Our argument was short lived and by the time we returned home he ate dinner with us and even asked if he could set the table.
I hope and pray every day that he beats this thing.
Sally.
(Footnote: A second useful posting about Myths of Addiction.) (Image from Creative Card Gold licensed software.)
 Research shows that today’s pot is addictive and causes harm to developing brains and lungs. To learn more about the health risks associated with marijuana, click here. Click the picture to the right to take the quiz.
Parents- the antidrug website is loaded with useful information. Click here to go to the main site.
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Feeding the Enemy
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, August 17, 2009
 Your teenager has a drug problem and is away in rehab. You still want to have your teenager's friends over the house. It feels very wrong not to let them visit your teenager when he is on home pass. After all, it's been weeks or even months since they've seen each other. You may be reading this and thinking, "Lloyd's writing about me!" Maybe I'm not writing about you because there are lots of parents who have admitted to having these feelings.
A few months ago, a mother was talking about the enjoyment she felt when she got to have her son's friends over the house and literally feeding them at her dinner table. She admitted that she knew that her son's friends did drugs but she also knew that they were basically good kids, and that they needed a place to hang out. In other words, these other teenagers that were friends of her son needed her too.
Reaching out to teenagers in your neighborhood might be a good idea; however, when your teenager has a drug problem it is a good idea gone bad.
It may feel wrong to consider your teenager's friends as enemies; however, since People, Places and Things are critical to a person's recovery, what you are really feeding is the disease of addiction.
We know that if a teenager remains in contact with his old friends that his chances of relapse go through the roof. Almost everyone who lapses has renewed old contacts first; however, what appears to be a simple 2 plus 2 equals 4 gets a bit complicated. How does this happen? What do we tell ourselves when we allow our teens to resume old friendships after they have been away in a drug rehab? Let's examine some ideas that might complicate this otherwise simple issue.
1. He has to have friends. If my teenager has to go a few months without friends it might damage him. He might develop emotional problems or depression. He might even relapse if he is lonely. No parent wants their child to be friendless.
Refutation #1: It won't hurt if he is temporarily friendless. It might even have a good effect. Nature abhors a vacuum, therefore, if your teenager is temporarily friendless he might make some new friends. If he holds onto the old friends he might have more trouble making the new ones. As far as emotional problems or depression, it does happen that sometimes depression sets in early in recovery. That can happen anyway and is probably not brought on by having no friends. What about family? Can't he become closer to family during this period?
2. My teenager's friends need help too. I just can't shut them out. They like being at my house more than they like being at their own home. They feel comfortable at my house. I don't feel good deserting them.
Refutation #2: Sometimes it's our needs as parents that are coming out. We like to be the cool parents. We love it that these kids feel most comfortable at our house! We must be doing something right if they all want to hang out at your house, right? No. Not when your teenager has a drug problem. Different priorities apply now. New rules. Suddenly, your teenager doesn't need to have the coolest Mom or Dad on the block. Your teenager needs to be less chummy with you and more held accountable by you. The key to helping most teenagers avoid returning to their previous party life is good tight parental supervision and the people, places and things are critical to that supervision.
3. It's rude to tell your old friends that you can't be friends anymore. I didn't raise my child to be rude. I raised my teenager to be loyal to his friends. I think he has to show them that he is not going to use drugs and they can stop too if they want to.
Refutation #3: Yes, but it's a rude disease. In fact, it kills teenagers. That's pretty rude. Sometimes you have to decide if you want a live teenager who is a bit rude or a dead one who has been very considerate towards every one's feelings.
4. If I only allow my teenager to see his old friends when I'm there I can make sure that nothing bad happens. Anyway I don't think his friends are bad people.
Refutation #4: As parents we send the most powerful messages to our teens by our actions not by our words. If we allow the old friends to be around some of the time, then our message that we do not approve of old friends is watered down. Apparently, we do not feel that contact with old friends is really that bad.
5. Some of my teenager's friends are clean now too. Some are even going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I think they can help each other stay clean.
Refutation #5: There is a saying in 12-step that your old friends will get you to use before you get them clean. You know that the reason that contact is bad is not because the old friends are bad people. The reason is that your teenager and those old friends are triggers for each other. They each make each other feel like using drugs. That's the whole entire reason. In fact, it's recommended in 12-step that newcomers hang with people who have significant clean time, not with other newcomers. Tell your teenager to run into his old friend at a meeting and leave him alone in between meetings. Tell him to wait until they both have a year clean before they try to hang out with each other. Quote from Tom M: "As a newcomer myself, I try to only hang with people in the program that have at least a year clean. If I meet a dude at a meeting who has 364 days clean, I say OK but call me tomorrow man, not today."
6. I'm never going to be able to stop my teenager from contacting his old friends. It's impossible. Why even try? I'm just going to make him be sneaky.
Refutation #6. This is the best one because it is often true; however, once again, we need to consider the message that we are sending our teenager because our message is really all we have. He will either (a)hear our message and listen, (b) hear our message and not listen, or (c)not even hear our message. Let's cut out the last one by sending him a message that he will at least hear. He can only hear it if we send it with our actions. He is not able to just hear our words anymore. Secondly, it is not always true. Some teenagers do give up their old friends. One thing we pretty much know is that if he does not give up his old friends he won't stay clean.
7. Everyone uses. It's not possible to stay away from everyone that abuses alcohol or drugs, so why bother? My teenager has to learn to live in the real world and the real world is full of substance abuse.
Refutation #7. Another tough one because it is often true. Consider however that while the world is full of drug abusers it is the very drug abusers that your teenager already knows and has used with that are the most dangerous. OK, anyone that abuses drugs or alcohol is dangerous, but the old friends have a special power over your teenager. It is possible too that your teenager will make new friends that don't' abuse drugs. It's just not as likely if they continue to hold onto the old friends. Remember, it's almost impossible for your teenager to stay clean if he renews his ties with his old friends; therefore, what have you got to loose by fighting the good fight?
8. I can't pick my teenager's friends for him.
Refutation #8. True. However, you can certainly pick some people with whom he will no longer associate. He can still be a friend to his old friends; just don't talk to them, don't email them, don't text them, don't hang out, don't ride in their cars, don't go to their My Space. At least don't do all that stuff if you want any money, want any computer privileges, want to drive, want to be allowed out, want to have a bedroom door, want to have snacks you like, want to have any television or phone privileges, want to buy new clothes or new shoes, want to have good reports go to your Probation Officer, want to get high again and end up back in a rehab or back in court! Really, parents have a lot more power usually than they realize they do- it's just a decision to use that power that is absent.
Don't think of it as feeding the old friends. Think of it as feeding your teenager's disease. The one that's trying to kill him.
Next: Refusal skills: a good way for your teenager to tell his old friends that he is unavailable.
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Two Books That May Help
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Saturday, August 15, 2009
A book review by Linda Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey through His Son's Addiction by David Sheff 2008 Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines by Nic Sheff 2009
As a parent going frantic over my child’s drug use with its related anti-social behaviors and criminal activities, a dear friend suggested I read this set of books written by a father and son detailing the same issue...
Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey through His Son's Addiction by David Sheff 2008 Tweak: Growing Up on Methamphetamines by Nic Sheff 2009
As a parent going frantic over my child’s drug use with its related anti-social behaviors and criminal activities, a dear friend suggested I read this set of books written by a father and son detailing the same issue, the son’s drug addiction, from their very different perspectives. Eager to learn anything from another family that could help my family through this, I went to the library and got both books out as audiobooks that I listened to on my nightly drives to visit my son in the detention center.
Beautiful Boy, the father’s book described the emotional rollercoaster he and the rest of the family members were on for years as Nic would cycle through periods of using and recovery. Theirs was a family that survived a divorce when Nic was young to become two homes that contained many markers of success. Nic shuttled between both parents in a shared custody arrangement and both homes were filled with loving relationships that provided young Nic with support and parents attentive to meeting his needs. But such a life of abundance did not prevent Nic’s genetic predisposition toward addiction from becoming realized when he entered the teenage years of experimentation. For him, experimentation triggered compulsions to keep the pleasurable sensations various drug could provide going forever. Nic would regularly smoke pot, do cocaine and Ecstasy, and develop addictions to crystal meth and heroin. His using would take him to depths of depravity and the brink of death. As Nic graphically describes his life in his book Tweak, he knew he hurt others, especially his family, when he was using which made him feel so bad that he would use more to escape from those bad feeling too. This story has a happy ending in that Nic has been clean long enough to write this book and David has been able to distance himself enough emotionally from his son’s highs and lows to be able to regain his own life in a more whole and healthy way.
So what did I learn from their story of their journey? The commitment to never giving up on your child was a powerful force that though extremely difficult for the parents and siblings was nonetheless critical to keeping the child alive long enough for him to learn how to manage his own addiction. I really appreciated the father’s searching for information, approaches, and alternatives that would help him understand how to help his child better. Things that work for others might not work for them in the same way at any given time, but trying something different or trying it again at a different part of the journey tended to work better or in a different way. I totally related to the father’s description of how his emotional state was locked into his child so that if his son was doing well, so was the father, but if the son was spinning out of control, the father was an emotional train wreck. The father eventually worked with a therapist to help him separate emotionally from his son and develop an emotional relationship that was healthier for both of them. My sense of this part of the story is that it was an important step for him to do at the time when he did it for his son was in his 20’s and was beginning to figure everything out himself. But I do not feel the father could have taken this step earlier. Knowing that the physiological changes that drugs make to the developing brain retard normal development, a kid’s chronological age is not their mental age when drugs are involved. It is right for parents to have high levels of involvement in pre-teens and young teens lives and be emotionally invested in helping them learn and grow. If a big kid’s body has a damaged brain so that his emotional development is of a little guy, then its normal for a parent to keep working on helping them grow. David Sheff’s story is an example of whatever it takes for that kid as long as it takes coupled with an awareness that he had to take care of himself and the other family members. The stresses and strains of his balancing act journey were ones I could relate to even though my child is only 16 so my family is early in the process. It gives me hope to hear that one day, this intensity will be over and a greater degree of emotional separation will be possible.
The son’s, Nic Sheff, book had many parts in it that were hard for me to hear about. I found the descriptions of the pleasurable aspects of drug use and the distorted thinking that accompanies it unbearable. The description of the unpleasant aspects of drug use and the struggles in recovery were much easier for me to listen to. To me that type of pleasure represented regression and made me scream while the struggle represented growth and forward movement and made me cheer. Nic gave me many insights into the driving force of compulsion and the sadistic seductiveness of the various drugs. One statement Nic made really struck me. He was talking about how when he was a kid, he worked with therapists who helped him understand some of the issues he was going through, like the divorce, but he didn’t know what to do with this awareness. His musings were about what difference did it make that he knew that some of his struggles were related to his parents’ breakup since knowing that did not help him cope with its effects any better. I found that insight from the kid’s perspective intriguing, alerting me to look more carefully at what therapy programs were and weren’t doing for kids since naming the problem was clearly not enough for Nic. He could not figure out the action steps to go with that knowledge to be able to make positive change. I appreciated Nic’s life story for its ability to show me something about my son’s perspective. Tweak is billed as a young adult read so found in the juvenile literature section but I cannot say as I am comfortable recommending that my son read it yet. I could just imagine my child focusing on the pleasure passages and skipping over the pain passages. Nonetheless I did talk to him about the book and what I was learning from it.
My son pointed out that the kids he hangs with see the results of these very physically destructive drugs in the lives of the older addicts in the community. Looking at the horrible state these people are in seems to be a deterrent to him to trying those drugs. May it always be so.
links to the same audio file of an interview with both David and Nic Sheff
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This role-play was written in April of 2007. I want to reprint it today with a quick introduction. First, it's never important when you talk to your teenager to say everything right. Not at all. Just say some things right and you're off to the races.
Secondly, there is not just one response that works. Different people will say different things and be just as effective.
Third, it helps to have your talking points memorized because a lot of this keeps going back to the positions that you have already decided upon. You might have to wait 30 seconds for that talking points link to open the word document, then you can view or save it to your computer.
Fourth, the positions that these parents take here are not the only ones that can be effective; however these positions reflect a healthy stance. For example, while there are at least two different positions to take on the "Smoking Cigarettes" issue, the committment to "Secrets Keep Us Sick," is not an issue that you can work around. You have to just buy that one. If you are going to let your teenager smoke on a home pass, and you've taken into consideration all of the repercussions, then be honest about it with the staff at the rehab.
Well, instead of cutting and pasting, which I just found out is not practical in this blog format, please just follow this link to the original.
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 We are going to meet either outside of our normal meeting place or very close as we can find to there. Bring lawn chairs if you want but some of us are bringing lawn chairs so it's not really necessary because we will have extras and perhaps a picnic table. MEETING ON!
We can not meet at our normal place at the Alliance Office in Wexford. They are preparing for the Blast from the Past and they have their office pretty well cluttered with fund raising things.
If anyone wants to participate in Blast From The Past please follow this link (ticket prices are further reduced): Blast from the Past.
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We can suggest techniques to help parents stop allowing themselves to be manipulated, e.g., see Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate; however, the resistance we sometimes have towards changing can be explained best as fear. Remember that it was Franklin D Roosevelt who is given the credit for this quote:
"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." (FDR's first inaugural address).
The first thing we as parents need to do is face our fear. I don't mean conquer our fear. Conquering our fears will be a journey not a destination, (Aerosmith) but every journey starts with the first step. The first step is to completely and unabashedly admit our fears...
It's not exactly the same as admitting powerlessness in 12-step recovery but it's very similar. Admit that we are powerless over feeling afraid and sometimes even terrified. This is something that we really cannot control. We can to some degree control what we do about it, but there is not a switch we can use to shut off the fear. In fact, our teenagers seem to have a switch they can use to increase our level of fear.
The problem with admitting that we are afraid is that we feel shame when we admit it. We feel horrible that we allow our children to make us quake with fear. And yet, we aren't the only ones feeling this! Parents everywhere are feeling the same thing. Get in touch with it. Allow yourself to feel it.
Ask yourself what does it feel like? Do you feel it in your chest as a sort of tightening? Do you start to breathe more rapidly? Do you tend to hold your breath. What does the anxiety feel like for you?
Just like the addict becoming more powerful when he admits that he is powerless over drugs, you can feel empowered by really admitting that you become very afraid around your teenager. It seems like the wrong approach-as though admitting a weakness is also a weakness; however admitting a weakness is not the weakness but to the contrary. If we are in a state of denial about our fear, we are paralyzed. Once we really admit it, we feel a release of the pressure.
Living with a teen with a drug problem, or for that matter living with anyone with a drug problem is similar to living in a war zone. I have never been in an actual war zone and I don't mean any offense to our brave soldiers who defend our freedoms, but I know that living with an addict can cause a great deal of stress and it's fear that is the root of the stress.
I lived with a family member who was active in addiction. He was not a teenager at the time but I can tell you that I could feel the fear when I drove onto my street and saw that his vehicle was parked in front of the house. Likewise, I could feel the relief if I drove up to my house and saw that his vehicle was not there. If he was home I felt the stress caused by not knowing what was going to happen at any given moment. And yet, there I was trying to walk in the house as though nothing was wrong, as though I was not feeling fearful.
Often we are not in a situation where we can admit it. I mean it would not do for me to walk into my house and say, "Honey I'm home and I'm still terrified." However, there are places and times where it is appropriate and empowering to admit it. Let's look at some of those times.
1. At a PSST meeting. 2. To a friend or to your spouse in private. 3. To your therapist or clergy if you have one. 4. Sometimes it might be OK to mention it to your teenager, e.g., at the time that you are having the conflict.
As to that last one, how would that work to empower us? Consider the following:
Teen: Give me 20 bucks Dad. I need it. Dad: No. Teen: Dammit Dad, I told you yesterday I was going to need some money! Do you expect me to be the only one without money tonight? Movies aren't free! I told you I'm not buying drugs; that's the problem with you Dad, you don't trust anybody! You don't even really trust Mom! You're always asking her "what's this charge honey and what's that charge?" She hates that, man. You need to learn to trust. I told you yesterday I needed the money. Now I know you got it - DON'T EVEN TRY TO TELL me YOU Don't have it that's a bunch of horse sh&*. Dad: You know I feel stressed out when you pressure me like this. Teen: I'm not pressuring you- hey- UST GIVE ME THE TWENTY BUCKS THEN! Dad: I'm actually afraid of you when you're like this. Teen: What? What did you say? Dad: I'm afraid of you. Teen: Afraid of me? Why? Dad: You get so worked up and when you start pressuring me like that I can feel my chest pounding and sometimes I start with a headache. I guess I find you very difficult when your like this and I'm afraid that you are going to really go off- you know have a tantrum, start yelling and throwing things just because you can't have your own way and frankly, I'm afraid of you and of what you'll do. Teen: That's ridiculous. Dad: Well, it's how I feel often around you. Like I'm around a bomb and I never know exactly when it will go off. Teen: You just don't trust me, Dad, just trust me this time- please. I won't spend the money on drugs this time I promise! How are you ever going to learn to trust me if you won't give me a chance? Dad: Son, do you hear what I'm telling you cause if you need me to wait until you're done speaking then I'll wait and tell you again. Teen: What? That you're afraid of me? Dad: Yes. Teen: That's not what I'm talking about. Dad: I know. It's what I'm talking about. Teen: what? Dad: I'm afraid around you- I never know what you'll do- especially when you don't get your own way- that's the scary part for me. I get sweaty palms and I can feel a real tightness in my chest and it's like I need to get more air or something. Then, sometimes my head hurts too. And sometimes, this is really scary for me too- I know that I give into you just to get you to go away- you know, I actually give into you when I don't feel like it's the right thing to do, just so you'll go away. Teen: That's fu*&ed up. Dad: I know I know. Then, it gets worse! Teen: No way, this is fu*&ed up how could it get any worse? Dad: Then after I give into you I feel guilty cause I know that's not the right thing to do- so even after you're out of my face- I still feel bad- you see where I'm coming from? Teen: Look, Dad, you should see your therapist maybe they could give you something for this, but hey, I still need the money OK? I mean you don't want me stealing money or selling drugs to get money do you? Cause I can do that if you want me too. Dad: I'm afraid of you doing that too Son. So, let me tell you that the threats you're making, you know to steal or rob or sell drugs, that really is part of the pressure that I feel. Teen: This is way too much information Dad, just give me the 20 bucks already, you know you're going to give it to me in the end. Dad: You're right Son. In the past I just gave into you and, you know, it kind of helped to teach you that this pressuring thing you do is an effective way to get what you want. Well Son, I'm sorry- I should not have been giving in like that. But hey, I've got new way to look at this now. Teen: What's that. Dad: I'm not going to operate out of fear anymore. Teen: What's that mean? Dad: When I'm afraid and feeling all stressed out- I won't be making any decisions and I certainly won't be giving money or privileges. Teen: You are just a scardy cat baby you know that? Dad: Yes I suppose that has been a good description of me- especially when I just gave in to you so that you would stop pestering me. You're right about that. Teen: [glaring] So no money huh? Dad: No money. Teen: Cause I scare you. Dad: That's a big part of it. Teen: So if I calm down and talk nice you'll give me the money? Dad: No, but I'd like it if you did talk nicer. Teen: What's the point if you still aren't going to give me the money? Dad: Good point Son. You know I think you were right earlier when you accused me of not trusting you. I don't trust you. And the more you push me to give you money the less I trust you. Son: [Glaring] Oh that's just great- so after all the changes I made you still don't trust me?! Dad: No. And from now on I'm not going to give in and pay you off so you'll go away. And hey, if that means that you'll steal or sell drugs then let me thank you for the warning on that. If I find, and now I'll be looking harder, any stolen items or drugs in my house I'll call the police immediately. But like I said, thanks for the heads up because I wasn't thinking that you'd do that kind of stuff anymore. I thought you were past all that. Teen: You misunderstood what I said! I didn't say I was going to steal or sell drugs! And anyways, you're the one that would be making me do it-if I did do it and I'm not- cause you won't give me any money! Dad: I suppose in a way I am responsible then but it's still your decision and you'll deal with whatever consequences happen- just like you always do. Teen: This is fu&#d up [storms off]. (Notice that these role plays often don't end well. Don't judge the effectiveness of what you do with how your teen responds verbally. The fact that he storms off mad in this scenario only means that he heard you. He heard you and he didn't like what he heard.)
Let's go back to FDR for a minute. I love the way he describes it: "nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes." It is unreasoning because our teens don't have all that much power really, not when you think about it. Similarly, it is unjustified terror. Once again, our children should need us more than we need them at this point in thier lives and really they are not more powerful than us. And the fear paralyzes us and stops us from taking the important steps we need to take.
I'm kind of reaching at the end of this post- I'll admit that- but I've always liked this quote from the Dune Trilogy, a science fiction thriller that I read as a kid.
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
- Frank Herbert, Dune (Bene Gesserit: Litany Against Fear)
And since I'm quoting now I must put in this one by Dale Carnegie:
"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."
- Dale Carnegie
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We posted on waking up teenager back in March and now we have information from a parent about progess that has been made with one of our hard-to-wake up teens. "About the mornings-[our son] weaned himself off the Seroquel, then he started taking his Concerta BEFORE he goes to bed. When he is at home, mornings are much easier now."
Type rest of the post here
This question came in from a parent.
How much money should a teenager contribute towards day to day home expenses?
After a little thought, what seemed to be an easy question got a complicated real quick (doesn't it always). The following was my reply. What else should be considered? What did I get wrong? What did I forget? Any personal successes or failures in this area that you want to share? This is a great opportunity to leave comments to help those who cannot attend the meetings.
The answer is complicated because there are so many factors to consider:
- Where is the teen working? For example, at a church or a restaurant that sells alcohol?
- Why is the teen working? Spending money, college fund, family support,pay back of expenses to the family, restitution?
- When is the teen working? 3-5 after school? 11-2 AM?
- Is work a location where old friends will be? Is work a place where theteen used or purchased drugs?
- How much money does the teen make? Is the teen accountable for how themoney is spent?
- How does work impact attending 12 step meetings?
- Is a car required?
- Is the job really code for unsupervised time away?
- All that being said, making payment to support the household is a very positive, symbolic step.
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So your teenager is at Abraxas, Ridgeview, or Gateway and he is going to have his first block of time at home. Perhaps it's four hours, eight hours or several nights. What are the most important things to keep in mind?
1. Friends: Home passes are not to spend with friends. They are for family. Make that clear before you start the home pass. If your teenager has a problem with that then don't take him on the home pass. Some institutions make this clear to parents and some do not. This is a chance to flex some parent-muscle and demonstrate that things are going to be different from now on.
2. Home passes are triggers for teens. Supervise your teenager every minute or as close to that as you can: Consider that some teenagers are going to get high on home passes and some will even smuggle drugs back into the rehab. One girl that I used to work with went was on a home pass from Abraxas. She went out to get the mail. Unknown to her parents, she had already arranged with a friend via phone call to have some Heroin dropped off in the mail box. She went back to Abraxas high, smuggled heroin into Abraxas and got busted. The Mom was shocked. "I was with her every minute." Don't underestimate your teen. A home pass is a big relapse trigger.
3. Check your teenagers bedroom with a fine tooth comb before you bring him back home: Often this is when parents find drugs and money. Not only drugs but money should be confiscated because it was probably drug dealing money. Sometimes they hide things in the basement too.
4. Take him to a 12-step meeting: Choose a meeting labeled "open." This means that non-addicts (probably that describes you) are also allowed in the meeting. Go into the meeting with him but if he chooses a discussion group then let him enter that himself. Be there when he comes out of the discussion group. Ask him what he liked about the meeting. Try to get him to chat about his experience. See what your teens reaction is towards the meeting in general because this is a good way to get a read on how serious your teen is about his recovery.
5. Don't allow your teen to be in charge of the home pass: Show your teenager that you are not afraid to assume some leadership. You don't have to go the mall and walk around aimlessly. That is where he will run into peers. Anytime you suspect that your teenager wants to go to a certain place because he will run into peers, don't agree to go.
In fact you don't have to listen to loud music in the car unless you really like that kind of thing. Who is really in charge? If your teenager insists that you do what he wants because he has been cooped up in a rehab and it's only fair tell him he doesn't have to come on the home pass. Once again, it's time to show who is in charge. If you allow your teenager to be the one in charge on the home pass he has every reason to think that once he is released back home he will be in charge then too.
6. Decide whether or not you are going to let your teenager smoke cigarettes on the home pass and stick to your decision. This is a values thing. For example, your teenager is not allowed to smoke cigarettes in the rehab (unless he is in an adult rehab); therefore, don't allow him to smoke when he is off grounds because he is still a resident of that institution and he should continue to follow the rules. This is often a big point of contention. It is another place that parents can flex some parent-muscles.
Exceptions to this smoking rule might be if you smoke and you plan to smoke in front of him. That might be cruel. If he is 18 or over, the rehab might not care if he smokes on his home pass- check with his counselor and see how he feels about it.
If it has been bothering you that your teenager smokes cigarettes, especially if he is not old enough to purchase them himself, then this is not the time to go soft and decide to buy him a pack. Send him a message that says, "I don't approve and I will not enable you to smoke. Don't smoke on the home pass and if that is going to be a too difficult rule for you to follow, then don't take the home pass- just stay here in the rehab where you can follow the rules."
7. Don't try to make every moment a teachable moment: Your teen gets plenty of that in the rehab. Give him a break. Relax. Try to have a little fun. It's OK if you do something that he likes to do, like a movie or eating out at his favorite place. This might sound like a contradiction to #5, the "don't let your teen be in charge" but it's not. You are in charge and you should certainly plan to do some things that your teenager likes to do but, once again, if it looks like he is trying to use that to hook up with old friends or if they think they can torture you with rap music in the car that you hate- that's a different story!
8. Consider the music your teenager is listening to on the home pass- does it have a negative message? Then don't permit it. Confiscate it.
9. Don't be afraid to make your teenager angry. The success of the home pass is not going to be evaluated on how smooth it goes. In fact, this is the time to take the bull by the horns. If he can't handle a bit of supervision, and he flips out, then you carry that information back to the therapist. Now you've generated some therapeutic grist for the therapy mill. In other words, now the therapist has something important to discuss with your teenager. Likewise, if your teen decides not to go on the home pass, then the therapist can raise his eyebrows and pay attention to the fact that your teen doesn't even want to go off grounds unless he can call the shots. Ooops, that doesn't sound like someone who is ready for release, does it?
10. Don't keep secrets. No matter how small, if your teenager asks you not to tell his therapist that he has done something, e.g., smoked, saw a friend, has a fight with you, ran off without supervision, failed to attend a 12-step meeting, or just about anything else that he thought it important enough to ask you not to report on- DON'T do it. Secrets keep us sick and, once again, if you keep secrets on home passes, he has every right to expect you to keep secrets once he released back home. This is where he will try to guilt you. "Awww you're going to ruin everything! Just when I worked so hard! You don't want me to come home at all, do you? Click here to read more on how teenagers guilt parents on a regular basis as a manipulative technique.
Parents of PSST: please let me know what other things you think are important to consider by leaving a comment. If you are having trouble leaving a comment you can email to me at lloyd.woodward@court.allegheny.pa.us
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