The Power to Make Us Quake Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, July 31, 2009

We can suggest techniques to help parents stop allowing themselves to be manipulated, e.g., see Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate; however, the resistance we sometimes have towards changing can be explained best as fear. Remember that it was Franklin D Roosevelt who is given the credit for this quote:

"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." (FDR's first inaugural address).

The first thing we as parents need to do is face our fear. I don't mean conquer our fear. Conquering our fears will be a journey not a destination, (Aerosmith) but every journey starts with the first step. The first step is to completely and unabashedly admit our fears...

It's not exactly the same as admitting powerlessness in 12-step recovery but it's very similar. Admit that we are powerless over feeling afraid and sometimes even terrified. This is something that we really cannot control. We can to some degree control what we do about it, but there is not a switch we can use to shut off the fear. In fact, our teenagers seem to have a switch they can use to increase our level of fear.

The problem with admitting that we are afraid is that we feel shame when we admit it. We feel horrible that we allow our children to make us quake with fear. And yet, we aren't the only ones feeling this! Parents everywhere are feeling the same thing. Get in touch with it. Allow yourself to feel it.

Ask yourself what does it feel like? Do you feel it in your chest as a sort of tightening? Do you start to breathe more rapidly? Do you tend to hold your breath. What does the anxiety feel like for you?

Just like the addict becoming more powerful when he admits that he is powerless over drugs, you can feel empowered by really admitting that you become very afraid around your teenager. It seems like the wrong approach-as though admitting a weakness is also a weakness; however admitting a weakness is not the weakness but to the contrary. If we are in a state of denial about our fear, we are paralyzed. Once we really admit it, we feel a release of the pressure.

Living with a teen with a drug problem, or for that matter living with anyone with a drug problem is similar to living in a war zone. I have never been in an actual war zone and I don't mean any offense to our brave soldiers who defend our freedoms, but I know that living with an addict can cause a great deal of stress and it's fear that is the root of the stress.

I lived with a family member who was active in addiction. He was not a teenager at the time but I can tell you that I could feel the fear when I drove onto my street and saw that his vehicle was parked in front of the house. Likewise, I could feel the relief if I drove up to my house and saw that his vehicle was not there. If he was home I felt the stress caused by not knowing what was going to happen at any given moment. And yet, there I was trying to walk in the house as though nothing was wrong, as though I was not feeling fearful.

Often we are not in a situation where we can admit it. I mean it would not do for me to walk into my house and say, "Honey I'm home and I'm still terrified." However, there are places and times where it is appropriate and empowering to admit it. Let's look at some of those times.

1. At a PSST meeting.

2. To a friend or to your spouse in private.

3. To your therapist or clergy if you have one.

4. Sometimes it might be OK to mention it to your teenager, e.g., at the time that you are having the conflict.

As to that last one, how would that work to empower us? Consider the following:

Teen: Give me 20 bucks Dad. I need it.

Dad: No.

Teen: Dammit Dad, I told you yesterday I was going to need some money! Do you expect me to be the only one without money tonight? Movies aren't free! I told you I'm not buying drugs; that's the problem with you Dad, you don't trust anybody! You don't even really trust Mom! You're always asking her "what's this charge honey and what's that charge?" She hates that, man. You need to learn to trust. I told you yesterday I needed the money. Now I know you got it - DON'T EVEN TRY TO TELL me YOU Don't have it that's a bunch of horse sh&*.

Dad: You know I feel stressed out when you pressure me like this.

Teen: I'm not pressuring you- hey- UST GIVE ME THE TWENTY BUCKS THEN!

Dad: I'm actually afraid of you when you're like this.

Teen: What? What did you say?

Dad: I'm afraid of you.

Teen: Afraid of me? Why?

Dad: You get so worked up and when you start pressuring me like that I can feel my chest pounding and sometimes I start with a headache. I guess I find you very difficult when your like this and I'm afraid that you are going to really go off- you know have a tantrum, start yelling and throwing things just because you can't have your own way and frankly, I'm afraid of you and of what you'll do.

Teen: That's ridiculous.

Dad: Well, it's how I feel often around you. Like I'm around a bomb and I never know exactly when it will go off.

Teen: You just don't trust me, Dad, just trust me this time- please. I won't spend the money on drugs this time I promise! How are you ever going to learn to trust me if you won't give me a chance?

Dad: Son, do you hear what I'm telling you cause if you need me to wait until you're done speaking then I'll wait and tell you again.

Teen: What? That you're afraid of me?

Dad: Yes.

Teen: That's not what I'm talking about.

Dad: I know. It's what I'm talking about.

Teen: what?

Dad: I'm afraid around you- I never know what you'll do- especially when you don't get your own way- that's the scary part for me. I get sweaty palms and I can feel a real tightness in my chest and it's like I need to get more air or something. Then, sometimes my head hurts too. And sometimes, this is really scary for me too- I know that I give into you just to get you to go away- you know, I actually give into you when I don't feel like it's the right thing to do, just so you'll go away.

Teen: That's fu*&ed up.

Dad: I know I know. Then, it gets worse!

Teen: No way, this is fu*&ed up how could it get any worse?

Dad: Then after I give into you I feel guilty cause I know that's not the right thing to do- so even after you're out of my face- I still feel bad- you see where I'm coming from?

Teen: Look, Dad, you should see your therapist maybe they could give you something for this, but hey, I still need the money OK? I mean you don't want me stealing money or selling drugs to get money do you? Cause I can do that if you want me too.

Dad: I'm afraid of you doing that too Son. So, let me tell you that the threats you're making, you know to steal or rob or sell drugs, that really is part of the pressure that I feel.

Teen: This is way too much information Dad, just give me the 20 bucks already, you know you're going to give it to me in the end.

Dad: You're right Son. In the past I just gave into you and, you know, it kind of helped to teach you that this pressuring thing you do is an effective way to get what you want. Well Son, I'm sorry- I should not have been giving in like that. But hey, I've got new way to look at this now.

Teen: What's that.

Dad: I'm not going to operate out of fear anymore.

Teen: What's that mean?

Dad: When I'm afraid and feeling all stressed out- I won't be making any decisions and I certainly won't be giving money or privileges.

Teen: You are just a scardy cat baby you know that?

Dad: Yes I suppose that has been a good description of me- especially when I just gave in to you so that you would stop pestering me. You're right about that.

Teen: [glaring] So no money huh?

Dad: No money.

Teen: Cause I scare you.

Dad: That's a big part of it.

Teen: So if I calm down and talk nice you'll give me the money?

Dad: No, but I'd like it if you did talk nicer.

Teen: What's the point if you still aren't going to give me the money?

Dad: Good point Son. You know I think you were right earlier when you accused me of not trusting you. I don't trust you. And the more you push me to give you money the less I trust you.

Son: [Glaring] Oh that's just great- so after all the changes I made you still don't trust me?!

Dad: No. And from now on I'm not going to give in and pay you off so you'll go away. And hey, if that means that you'll steal or sell drugs then let me thank you for the warning on that. If I find, and now I'll be looking harder, any stolen items or drugs in my house I'll call the police immediately. But like I said, thanks for the heads up because I wasn't thinking that you'd do that kind of stuff anymore. I thought you were past all that.

Teen: You misunderstood what I said! I didn't say I was going to steal or sell drugs! And anyways, you're the one that would be making me do it-if I did do it and I'm not- cause you won't give me any money!

Dad: I suppose in a way I am responsible then but it's still your decision and you'll deal with whatever consequences happen- just like you always do.

Teen: This is fu&#d up [storms off].

(Notice that these role plays often don't end well. Don't judge the effectiveness of what you do with how your teen responds verbally. The fact that he storms off mad in this scenario only means that he heard you. He heard you and he didn't like what he heard.)

Let's go back to FDR for a minute. I love the way he describes it: "nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes." It is unreasoning because our teens don't have all that much power really, not when you think about it. Similarly, it is unjustified terror. Once again, our children should need us more than we need them at this point in thier lives and really they are not more powerful than us. And the fear paralyzes us and stops us from taking the important steps we need to take.

I'm kind of reaching at the end of this post- I'll admit that- but I've always liked this quote from the Dune Trilogy, a science fiction thriller that I read as a kid.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
- Frank Herbert, Dune (Bene Gesserit: Litany Against Fear)

And since I'm quoting now I must put in this one by Dale Carnegie:
"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."
- Dale Carnegie