Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part II Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, January 18, 2009

Approaches to Dealing with Teen Lying. This is the second of five parts:



Part 2 – Approaches to Dealing with Teen Lying

Last week we talked about the top 3 ways teens manipulate their parents:
1. Lying
2. Guilting
3. Acting really good temporarily

This week we provide some examples for how parents can deal with lying.

These manipulative techniques work well together. For example, if you lie and your parent does not believe you, then quickly revert to technique number two and guilt them. Say something like, "I knew you wouldn't believe me- you never believe me- you don't trust me. Why would I lie about that? Do you know how being called a liar makes me feel? I have feelings too." Or try this one, "you only see the bad stuff I do, you never see the good stuff."

These techniques work so well because as parents we want desperately to believe them and to be able to trust them. We are also afraid that we will find out that all the trouble our teens have is our fault.

The real consequence for lying is that no one will be able to believe them, even when they are telling the truth. That's what they need to learn. The consequence for lying is that you aren't believed. And we don't have to waste a lot of our hard-earned guilt on not trusting them. That is their problem. If they don't like that they aren't trusted then they should do something to change that- like start being honest- but don't expect it to happen overnight. It takes time.

Reinforce your teen when you discover that he has told the truth: Its' OK to make a big deal out of them telling the truth. One might argue that they should tell the truth, therefore don't make a big deal out of it. For teens that are honest this might be true. But for our kids who have made a habit out of lying, we can and should make a big deal out of catching them telling the truth.

For example, an 18 year-old girl has been manipulating her mother to let her out even though she is grounded to the house. Her mother thinks that she has been attempting to contact someone to get drugs. Consider how we can reinforce it when she tells the truth about something:

Me: You're mother tells me that you have been on the phone contacting boys to get you drugs.
Teen: No- I have not been.
Me: That's what I have been told.
Teen: Oh, that’s because I was contacting my boyfriend and my Mom thought I was contacting other people.
Me: Nevertheless, right now, you are not allowed on the phone.
Teen: Well I wasn't doing anything wrong, listen, I was blah blah blah.
Me: Hold on. You know that if you were trying to get someone to get drugs for you, you wouldn't tell me the truth about that, would you?
Teen: That's not what I was trying to do...
Me: Regardless, answer my question please. Would you lie if you were planning to get drugs?
Teen: [pause] Yeah.
Me: Yeah, what please?
Teen: I would lie to you if I was going to get drugs.
Me: THANK YOU! I'm so glad you told the truth about THAT!
Teen: OK, [seems a little taken-aback.)
Me: But you can see that telling me this story now doesn’t mean much because even if you were telling the truth now, I would have a hard time believing you.
Teen: Yeah.
Me: If you are planning on having someone get you drugs just stop it. Don't get drugs. You can't afford going in front of the Judge again.
Teen: OK, [sounds like she still doesn't know what to say about that.]
Me: Once again, thanks for telling the truth back there, and remember no rides with peers to meetings, and don't get drugs off of anybody, OK?
Teen: OK.

In this example, you will see first I did not allow her to tell the story. Secondly, I reinforced that she told the truth when she admitted that she would lie to me about that. Third I just encouraged her to stop it if she was planning to do something wrong. Finally, it gave me an opportunity to remind her that the consequences for lying are that people don't believe you even when you are telling the truth.

This last bit is important. It is the counter-point for the guilt that your teen is trying to make you feel because you don't trust her. Your teen says, "You don't trust me." You agree, "Yes, when you lie sometimes people don't believe you even when you are telling the truth." Just state that matter-of-factly as though it is not a big deal it just is what it is. It helps us as parents to not feel guilty because we don't trust and it helps frame the subject for the teen in the context that they can understand.

Parent: How's that going, what we talked about?
Teen: Talked about what?
[They may not be playing dumb. We tend to repress things that bother us.
Parent: Yeah, it is hard to keep remembering that- you know - how challenging it is for you to tell the truth sometimes.
Teen: "Yeah, oh yeah, that's going fine."
Parent: Well that's good; I was impressed you know with what you said yesterday.
Teen: What did I say?
Parent: You know, when you told the truth when I asked, 'If you were planning to get high, you wouldn't admit that to me.
Teen: Oh yeah
Parent: So you admitted that you would lie if you had to, that's being pretty honest. [Pause - This way you can revisit the issue in a positive way.]
Parent: "Now is there anything you would like to tell me that you haven't been honest about?

The same goes for stealing. Have you ever felt guilty because you misplaced something, accused your teen who has a history of stealing from you, and then found out where you put it and then felt horrible about it? How could you? Well, it's another teachable moment for your teen. "Yes, it's true” you say “that when you are known to steal that people will suspect you of taking things that you didn't even take.”

Quit feeling so guilty because as we just covered, making you feel guilty is the second most effective way for a teen to manipulate you. So, if you allow your teen to make you feel guilty, then you make it easy for them to manipulate you. If your teen persists in this "Why don't you trust me" mode, then it's sometimes a good idea to mention other consequences or traits of habitual liars. This tends to broaden the discussion so that things don't feel so personal. For example, habitual liars will lie even when they know that they will be caught.

Also, habitual liars lie when they don’t have to lie. Mentioning this can sometimes open up a conversation. Try to do this in a matter-of-fact way. Let’s not be too judgmental. Rarely, is anyone a 100 percent honest. Our teens have somehow allowed themselves to become very dishonest and we need to address that. However, we should save the holier-than-thou attitude because it’s counter-productive.

Habitual liars lie when they know that they will probably get caught. It’s helpful to point this out to your teen when they are trying to convince you that they are telling the truth.

Teen: Why would I lie? Do you think I want to get into trouble?
Parent: Why, I don’t think that would stop you.
Teen: What do you mean?
Parent: People who have a problem with lying often do it even though they know they will be caught! I don’t understand it, but I know it’s true.

While this approach won't cause an overnight change in your teen, it does accomplish some limited goals. The cherry on the cake for me is that I don't have to listen to the whole story. I believe that part of the motivation for lying is the pleasure of getting attention for telling the story. I want to take that reward off the table when I can. Anyway, if you're like me, those stories are so tiresome. It's part of how they wear us down. Of course, there are times when you need to listen to the story; but you can pick and choose.

One way to know if you need to listen to the whole story: As soon as the story under suspicion starts, one that you have a gut-level feeling is not the truth, point out that because of their past history of lying, you will have trouble believing it, even if it's true. Notice that we did not accuse them of lying at this point. Perhaps we really don't know. If at that point the teen says, "Oh yeah," and stops telling the story, then that is one that you can just take off the table. However, if after you point this out the teen persists in telling the story, and insists that you need to hear it, then you should give a listen as apparently something is going on that you might need to hear.

For example, sometimes there is a real point behind a made-up or exaggerated story. Perhaps your teen is telling you a tall tale about something that scared him at school. You don’t buy it and since it involves some pretty unbelievable stuff, you shouldn’t. However, perhaps the truth of this story is that your teen feels afraid. Maybe he wants you to know that. Sometimes a parent can reflect the emotional content of what is being said and side-step the details.

Parent: Wow that sounds pretty scary, you know, what you told me.
Teen: It is – I’m really scared sometimes.
Parent: Well, it sounds like you’ve done some things to make sure that you’ll be safe in school? Do you feel like you have? I mean you go to talk to Mr. Guidance Counselor man, and you stick with friends when you’re waiting for the school bus.
Teen: Yeah, well I guess I do.
Parent: Yeah, well I’m scared for you now that you told me some of this- is there anything I can do to help?


((This is the end of Part-two of a four-part series on Parent Manipulation. You can find the complete series and more information at http://gopsst.org - in the next part we discuss the manipulative technique of guilting the parent.)

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AccuTracking: Are you interested in monitoring your teens driving habits and not spending a fortune doing it? Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 16, 2009

The following is posted anonymously by a parent who has used this tracking service. I post it here because parents in group have expressed interest. I have had no experience with this company and no guarantees are implied or expressed by PSST. As always we welcome comments from readers.


Giving a teenager access to an automobile to drive is always an interesting
proposition for parents. You want them to grow up, mature and learn
responsibility but, at the same time, you realize that mistakes in the
automobile can be expensive and life altering. How can you get an idea about
your teen’s driving habits since you won’t be there to watch them? Not only
how they drive but where they go can be an issue for some teens. Are they
really at school? Are they really on their way home? Access to an
automobile can create all kinds of new issues for parents of teens who have
stretched the limits in the past.

We see tracking devices in the movies and on TV all of the time. Are they
real? How much do they cost? Do they work? Is this a real alternative for
parents?

If you are interested in monitoring your teens driving habits easily, for a
reasonable price, you should take a look at http://www.accutracking.com/ .
They will sell you a kit for a little over a $100 that includes a cell
phone/GPS combo that can track your automobile for about $30 per month.

The phone comes with some simple activation instructions and a user name and
password for an associated web site. When turned on, the phone reports its
location and speed periodically to the web site. When you log into the web
site you can see the reported information in a grid format or a map format
that shows you the trail the car has been on since it left. It also shows you
the cars speed at each point.

The cell phone relies on Nextel for communication so you have to make sure
you are in a Nextel coverage area. If you want to monitor the driving in
“stealth mode” you have to find a place to hide the phone in the car where
the GPS can still get a reading. Try the glove box, center console or trunk
and do a couple of dry run tests. Battery life is a problem with stealth
mode – you can get 8 –12 hours of operation out of the phone.

Of course the alternative to stealth is the overt, “I will be watching you”
approach. Just put the phone out in the open and plug it into the cigarette
lighter outlet. Both options have their own benefits.

The web site offers additional features such as the ability to
set up fences on the map and send you an alert when the car crosses one of
these fences.

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My teen doesn't talk to me. What can I do? Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 09, 2009

Many parents have difficulty trying to get their teens to have a nice chat. Here are seven tips. You might have some other tips and if so, please tell us about them by leaving a comment.

Tip. 1 Accept their silence. Don't querrie them to intensely. Try not to ask "why?" Teens don't know why, so they'll just make something up anyway. There is a knack for spending time with someone and accepting that they have little to say. Try to cultivate that knack.

Tip. 2. It's a great opportunity for you to talk to them. Rather than questioning them over and over or lecturing them repeatedly (see the mom song below) try modeling a little bit of what intimacy is like. In other words, tell them something about yourself. Share. Open up a little bit. Now keep in mind, don't start talking about your serious marriage problems. Your teen may not be able to handle that much sharing, but try telling them about the bad day you are having. Tell them about something at work that really made you angry and what you did about it. Tell them about some great victory you had somewhere or some recognition that you recieved

Tip. 3. Ask their advice on some small but important problem you are having. Everyone loves being asked for thier advice. Don't make it sound like a joke. You might be surprised to receive some good advice.

Tip 4. Find our what they are passionate about. Everyone is passionate about something. Ok, it's true that many of our teens are passionate about using drugs. They know a lot about it and they could talk about it forever. That subject might not work; there may be a time and place for that kind of sharing but that's not what i'm talking about here. What on earth besides drugs and alcohol are they passionate about? Often they won't tell you because they feel that you could not appreciate the music they love or the games they play or the relationships in which they are involved. But once they start talking about something that they are really passionate about, it may be tough to stop them. For example, my son is 22. Historically he doesn't say much to me although his finacee tells me he is a very talkative person. I have trouble getting into the music he loves. I try. But the games he plays on his X-box I can do better with. Boy was I surprised to find out how passionate he is about it. He loves it. He plays every night. And he loves to talk about his gaming adventures. In fact, he says that after he plays he really loves to tell someone about it. I find it a wee bit boring perhaps after all I'm not really a gamer, but I love to see him talking. That is the real pay off for me.

Tip 5: If your teen does begin to share something that they really feel passionate about don't ruin it by giving advice. Maybe they tell you how in love they are with someone. Wow, that's a really special thing they chose to share with YOU. Now if you start to lecture them about everything that could go wrong, because you feel that they just have to have this information, then you can be sure that they won't want to tell you anything next time. Just listen. Trust that they can figure some things out for themselves. You sort of have to decide. Do you want them to talk to you or do you want them to be in your class while you lecture. Usually, you don't get both.

Tip 6: Try some Active Listening Responses. Don't know what they are? Come on into group. We use them all the time. Active listening means that you make a statement based on this formulae. Also, check out this link to more about talking to teens...

Tip 7:  We always talk about finding something that your teenager says that you can agree with.  We mean really agree with.  Don't just make a quick agreement and then follow it up with a "but."  Really agree with something. 

Not There are other ways to get teens chatting. Maybe you have a good way to do it. Please tell us about it by leaving a comment.

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Meeting at Eastern on 17th is a special meeting. Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 09, 2009

There is an Juvenile Court Education/ Assessment group that meets monthly at Eastern. That group will also be meeting on the 17th. In fact, for this experiment, PSST will not meet in our regular meeting room but instead we are going to meet on the Fourth Floor in a very nice meeting room. Just follow the signs from where we usually meet on the first floor towards the back elevator-make a left off the elevator and your're there.


Other parents that will be bringing their teens to the Education/ Assessment group, which will be meeting on the First Floor where we usually meet, will be invited to sit in on our PSST meeting!

Note: the Education/ Assessment group is by invitation only so don't bring your teens with you on the 17th. Just expect that we will have some new faces in group. And we love having new faces in group.

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Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Part I Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 09, 2009

Recently, I had the opportunity to have 15 teens from a Drug and Alcohol outpatient program tell me what were the most effective ways to get their way with their parents. Their answers might surprise you. This article is presented in five parts:


Part 1 – How Teens Manipulate
Part 2 – Approaches to dealing with Lying
Part 3 – The Guilting of the parent
Part 4 – An approach to the teen that does good things temporarily.
Part 5 - The Top Three Ways Teens Manipulate Parents: Conclusion-Part V

Part 1 – How Teens Manipulate

First of all we divided the teens up into three separate groups. Also, one parent sat in each group. We did not allow a parent to sit in a group in which their son or daughter was already sitting. Each group chose a group leader. Next, each group was given the task of deciding the top three manipulative techniques that help them get their own way with their parents. They were asked to form a group consensus, and we explained that a consensus is not taking a vote. It is debating and convincing each other so that the entire group agrees. The parents were not in the group to supervise, but to give their two cents and to function as a group participant.

After about 15 minutes each group had finished. After each small group gave it's report, the entire group engaged in group discussion to sort out the differences in the results. Funny thing is that there were not much differences. Each group more or less came up with the same three. Two groups came up with exactly the same list and one group had an almost identical list but in a different order. The following is the summary of our results.

3. Acting Really Good: The Third most effective technique is to begin to act responsibly. Convince your parent that you have really changed. After a while you will get what you want from them and you can go back to being irresponsible. One group added that while you are acting really good you can continue to sneakily be involved in the same unapproved activities.

2. Making a parent feel guilty: The Second most effective technique is to guilt your parent. Make them feel like it's really their fault or in some way make them feel that the reason that you have problems is because of them. We got examples of this from the teens who seemed to take pride in being able to push the right buttons so that their parents felt so bad that they just gave in. For example, tell your parent that they have lied to you in some way. You might have to stretch the truth a bit as to exactly what they said. If they think they lied they will try to make it up to you. Another way to make your parent feel guilty is to give them the silent treatment. They don't even have to know what they did at first but they will keep trying to find out and they will keep trying to make you feel better in any way that they can.

1. Lying: All the teens agreed that lying is the best way. One teen even offered some tips on how to be convincing when you lie. Stay calm he said. Look them in the eye. Just keep repeating the same story. Lots of discussion followed this as the teens talked about how quickly they could get their parents to believe them even if they had just gotten busted for lying. One of the bad things that can happen is that if you do this to much your parents might not believe you any more, even when you are telling the truth. Most of the teens in group agreed that lying is essential and that you have to be good at it.

(This is the conclusion of the first of a four-part series on Parent Manipulation. You can find the complete series and more information at http://gopsst.org/ in the next part we discuss How Can We Deal with Lying as Parents)


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Finding Hope in Recovery: Families Living with Addiction Posted by:Ken Sutton--Thursday, January 08, 2009

This documentary will be aired on WTAE TV 04 ABC on January 18th 2009 at 1:00pm.

More details here.

I have not seen this documentary and I am not necessarily endorsing it. I think it helps us as parents to be as informed as we can be about this disease so I am sharing this information sight unseen with the risk that it is going be bad but the hope that it will be of some benefit.

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No Meetings Until 2009 Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The meeting between Christmas and New Years is cancelled.  The next meeting is Jan 3, 2009.  


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Is every moment a teachable moment? - The Mom Song Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, December 16, 2008

One of the topics we talked about in group on Saturday was reminding our kids. How it drives them crazy and how it makes us insane. Take three minutes to check out this little video. I think it shows the good, the bad and the reality of what we do in a very funny way. Do you see yourself in here? Do you think our kids really see us this way?



Lloyd demonstrated the once-a-day planning technique to help planning that moves the focus of the planning to the child.



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Holiday Party Alert: December 20th 9:00 AM Eastern Dist Office Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, December 11, 2008

Please help us celebrate the Holidays at the Eastern District Office on December 20th at 8:30 AM. Bring food if you like but if not that's OK. We are opening the doors a little early but probably won't start the meeting part till 9:00 or a few minutes after.


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Worry Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, December 05, 2008

Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?

Click the READ MORE link for the wisdom of this unknown writer


Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing? When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital Corridor waiting for doctors to put a few Stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do You stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Mom just smiled faintly and said nothing. When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little Chair in a classroom and heard how one of my Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, And was headed for a career making License plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher Said, 'Don't worry, they all go through This stage and then you can sit back, relax and Enjoy them.' My Mom just smiled Faintly and said nothing. When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime Waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come Home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, In a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be Adults.' My Mom just smiled faintly And said nothing. By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being Vulnerable. I was still worrying over my Children, but there was a new wrinkle. There Was nothing I could do about it. My Mom just smiled faintly and said nothing. I Continued to anguish over their failures, be Tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in Their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I Could stop worrying and lead my own Life. I wanted to believe that, but I was Haunted by my Mom's warm smile and her Occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are You depressed about something?' Can it be that parents are sentenced to a Lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of Human frailties and the fears of the Unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life? One of my children became quite irritable Recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've beenCalling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed. PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS

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LISTENING Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, November 30, 2008

"...I have a tendency to talk too much; which turns my daughter off.
But that night, I vowed I would keep my mouth shut, not judge her, criticize her, or inject my comments. Only when she asked for my opinion did I give it to her. I just listened."

click the READ MORE link to read the rest of this mother's story.


LISTENING

My daughter has been an addict since she was 13. She’s been in recovery now for 9 months, living away from home and doing very well.

One evening after not hearing from her for a while, she phoned me. She had been going through some tough times and wanted to come home and stay overnight. She wanted me to hold her and watch a move like the old times. So I picked her up and brought her home.

That night she talked, we cried, we laughed, and I held her. It was like giving birth to her all over again. I hadn’t felt so much pleasure with her in a long, long time.

I have a tendency to talk too much; which turns my daughter off. But that night, I vowed I would keep my mouth shut, not judge her, criticize her, or inject my comments. Only when she asked for my opinion did I give it to her. I just listened.

Sometimes listening can be more powerful than anything. It’s surprising how much better I got to know and understand my daughter. The gap that was beginning to form between us had gone away. BECAUSE I LISTENED.

It was a learning experience for me. There are times when it’s necessary to listen. That night was one of those times. Listening was the best help I could have given her.

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Sayings that Help Posted by:Ken Sutton--Sunday, November 30, 2008

We learn a lot in the PSST meetings. Often, some of the key ideas get distilled into a sentence that makes complete sense in its conciseness and clarity. For example:

“Holding resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.”

Sometimes, outside of the PSST meetings, you may come upon a grain of wisdom that you are sure was about dealing with addiction, but in fact it is just a universal truth that applies. Some of my favorites:

“Actions don't spring from thoughts but from readiness for responsibility.”
-Deitrich Bonhoffer

“Appeasers believe that if you keep on throwing steaks to a tiger, the tiger will become a vegetarian.”
-Heywood Broun

OK. Time for you to get involved. Share the sayings that mean the most to you, that have been helpful, that turned on the light, that helped you “get it”. Share the one you cling to, the one that shows you due North in this struggle. Share it if someone else wrote or said it or if you thought it up. It doesn’t matter. It may help a parent in the group now or someone who reads this blog 10 years from now. Leave a comment or send an email and I will post it.

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Ken wins Meritorious Service Award for Whole State of Pennsylvania! Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, November 21, 2008

From left to right: Judge Mulligan, Judge Clark, Supervisor Valerie Ketter, Ken, Deputy Director Juvenile Court Russell Carlino, Assistant Administrator Ted Kairys, and Director of Court Services for Allegheny County James Reiland.

Ken was honored on November 6,2008 at the Juvenile Court Jdges' Commission and PA. Council of Chief Juvenile Probation Officers Annual Awards Program with the Meritorious Service Award.

Both Ken and his wife Debbie have been tirelessly involved in efforts to help their teenager with drug addiction. This nomination focuses on Ken because of his volunteer efforts to help other parents, such as:

(1) Become a leader in Parent Survival Skills Training, attending Saturday morning meetings weekly for several years.
(2) Started and continues to edit the PSST blog, which carries helpful information from diverse sources. (www.gopsst.org.)
(3) Almost single-handedly started the North Hills chapter of PSST.

Ken also gives out his personal phone number to parents and makes himself available for phone calls and even home visits to distraught parents. When Ken gives advice it comes from the heart, because he knows the pain of having a loved one continually struggle with this life threatening disease of addiction.

Ken deserves recognition because of his work with his daughter but also because of his selfless volunteer work to help other parents in their struggles.

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Parent of the Year Award 2008 Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, October 23, 2008

Contratulations to Beth and Erv who were chosen Allegheny Parents of the Year!


First, they had a big challenge with their son. They endured lots of difficulties as they struggle to help their son turn the corner from his poor choices that led him down a path of trouble. Secondly, they changed a lot of what they did and worked with PSST and treatment therapists to make those changes. Third, through it all they supported each other and presented a unified front to their son. And last but not least both of these parents reached out to help others. We saw it over and over again as they attended PSST, performed role-plays, led by example, and even participated in Coffee House Nation events (our positive peer group for youth sponsored by Juvenile Court) by not only being there for the teens but also by bringing hot dogs beverages and such for our Steeler Game event. Congratulations to Beth and Erv and thanks from all of us at Juvenile Court for your contribution.

Picture from left to right in the back row: James Rieland, Director of Allegheny County Probation; Judge Flaherty; Judge Woodruff; Anthony Madison #37 Pittsburgh Steelers; Judge Clark; Judge McVay; Judge Mulligan.

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