Over the years we have collected/shared hard-won information, skills, and techniques a parent needs to help a teenager with a drug problem save his own life. (CLICK ON THE LOGO ABOVE to return to the home-page for this blog.)
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UPCOMING MEETINGS **** PSST meetings will be discontinued for the next several months. Once we have determined a re-start date for the meetings, we will post that information on this website. ****
Check the calendar on the right for the date and location of our next Saturday morning meeting. Meetings are held from 9-11:30am. The first Saturday of the month we meet at the Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg; the second Saturday is at Trinity Lutheran Church in Wexford; and the third Saturday is at Sts Simon and Jude School in Greentree.
We always hope to see new parents in attendance. If you've been thinking about coming to one of our meetings, why not make this the one?
Please click on thumbnail maps below for directions.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 09, 2009
Many parents have difficulty trying to get their teens to have a nice chat. Here are seven tips. You might have some other tips and if so, please tell us about them by leaving a comment.
Tip. 1 Accept their silence. Don't querrie them to intensely. Try not to ask "why?" Teens don't know why, so they'll just make something up anyway. There is a knack for spending time with someone and accepting that they have little to say. Try to cultivate that knack.
Tip. 2. It's a great opportunity for you to talk to them. Rather than questioning them over and over or lecturing them repeatedly (see the mom song below) try modeling a little bit of what intimacy is like. In other words, tell them something about yourself. Share. Open up a little bit. Now keep in mind, don't start talking about your serious marriage problems. Your teen may not be able to handle that much sharing, but try telling them about the bad day you are having. Tell them about something at work that really made you angry and what you did about it. Tell them about some great victory you had somewhere or some recognition that you recieved
Tip. 3. Ask their advice on some small but important problem you are having. Everyone loves being asked for thier advice. Don't make it sound like a joke. You might be surprised to receive some good advice.
Tip 4. Find our what they are passionate about. Everyone is passionate about something. Ok, it's true that many of our teens are passionate about using drugs. They know a lot about it and they could talk about it forever. That subject might not work; there may be a time and place for that kind of sharing but that's not what i'm talking about here. What on earth besides drugs and alcohol are they passionate about? Often they won't tell you because they feel that you could not appreciate the music they love or the games they play or the relationships in which they are involved. But once they start talking about something that they are really passionate about, it may be tough to stop them. For example, my son is 22. Historically he doesn't say much to me although his finacee tells me he is a very talkative person. I have trouble getting into the music he loves. I try. But the games he plays on his X-box I can do better with. Boy was I surprised to find out how passionate he is about it. He loves it. He plays every night. And he loves to talk about his gaming adventures. In fact, he says that after he plays he really loves to tell someone about it. I find it a wee bit boring perhaps after all I'm not really a gamer, but I love to see him talking. That is the real pay off for me.
Tip 5: If your teen does begin to share something that they really feel passionate about don't ruin it by giving advice. Maybe they tell you how in love they are with someone. Wow, that's a really special thing they chose to share with YOU. Now if you start to lecture them about everything that could go wrong, because you feel that they just have to have this information, then you can be sure that they won't want to tell you anything next time. Just listen. Trust that they can figure some things out for themselves. You sort of have to decide. Do you want them to talk to you or do you want them to be in your class while you lecture. Usually, you don't get both.
Tip 6: Try some Active Listening Responses. Don't know what they are? Come on into group. We use them all the time. Active listening means that you make a statement based on this formulae. Also, check out this link to more about talking to teens...
Tip 7: We always talk about finding something that your teenager says that you can agree with. We mean really agree with. Don't just make a quick agreement and then follow it up with a "but." Really agree with something.
Not There are other ways to get teens chatting. Maybe you have a good way to do it. Please tell us about it by leaving a comment.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 09, 2009
There is an Juvenile Court Education/ Assessment group that meets monthly at Eastern. That group will also be meeting on the 17th. In fact, for this experiment, PSST will not meet in our regular meeting room but instead we are going to meet on the Fourth Floor in a very nice meeting room. Just follow the signs from where we usually meet on the first floor towards the back elevator-make a left off the elevator and your're there.
Other parents that will be bringing their teens to the Education/ Assessment group, which will be meeting on the First Floor where we usually meet, will be invited to sit in on our PSST meeting!
Note: the Education/ Assessment group is by invitation only so don't bring your teens with you on the 17th. Just expect that we will have some new faces in group. And we love having new faces in group.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 09, 2009
Recently, I had the opportunity to have 15 teens from a Drug and Alcohol outpatient program tell me what were the most effective ways to get their way with their parents. Their answers might surprise you. This article is presented in five parts:
First of all we divided the teens up into three separate groups. Also, one parent sat in each group. We did not allow a parent to sit in a group in which their son or daughter was already sitting. Each group chose a group leader. Next, each group was given the task of deciding the top three manipulative techniques that help them get their own way with their parents. They were asked to form a group consensus, and we explained that a consensus is not taking a vote. It is debating and convincing each other so that the entire group agrees. The parents were not in the group to supervise, but to give their two cents and to function as a group participant.
After about 15 minutes each group had finished. After each small group gave it's report, the entire group engaged in group discussion to sort out the differences in the results. Funny thing is that there were not much differences. Each group more or less came up with the same three. Two groups came up with exactly the same list and one group had an almost identical list but in a different order. The following is the summary of our results.
3. Acting Really Good: The Third most effective technique is to begin to act responsibly. Convince your parent that you have really changed. After a while you will get what you want from them and you can go back to being irresponsible. One group added that while you are acting really good you can continue to sneakily be involved in the same unapproved activities.
2. Making a parent feel guilty: The Second most effective technique is to guilt your parent. Make them feel like it's really their fault or in some way make them feel that the reason that you have problems is because of them. We got examples of this from the teens who seemed to take pride in being able to push the right buttons so that their parents felt so bad that they just gave in. For example, tell your parent that they have lied to you in some way. You might have to stretch the truth a bit as to exactly what they said. If they think they lied they will try to make it up to you. Another way to make your parent feel guilty is to give them the silent treatment. They don't even have to know what they did at first but they will keep trying to find out and they will keep trying to make you feel better in any way that they can.
1. Lying: All the teens agreed that lying is the best way. One teen even offered some tips on how to be convincing when you lie. Stay calm he said. Look them in the eye. Just keep repeating the same story. Lots of discussion followed this as the teens talked about how quickly they could get their parents to believe them even if they had just gotten busted for lying. One of the bad things that can happen is that if you do this to much your parents might not believe you any more, even when you are telling the truth. Most of the teens in group agreed that lying is essential and that you have to be good at it.
(This is the conclusion of the first of a four-part series on Parent Manipulation. You can find the complete series and more information at http://gopsst.org/ in the next part we discuss How Can We Deal with Lying as Parents)
I have not seen this documentary and I am not necessarily endorsing it. I think it helps us as parents to be as informed as we can be about this disease so I am sharing this information sight unseen with the risk that it is going be bad but the hope that it will be of some benefit.
One of the topics we talked about in group on Saturday was reminding our kids. How it drives them crazy and how it makes us insane. Take three minutes to check out this little video. I think it shows the good, the bad and the reality of what we do in a very funny way. Do you see yourself in here? Do you think our kids really see us this way?
Lloyd demonstrated the once-a-day planning technique to help planning that moves the focus of the planning to the child.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, December 11, 2008
Please help us celebrate the Holidays at the Eastern District Office on December 20th at 8:30 AM. Bring food if you like but if not that's OK. We are opening the doors a little early but probably won't start the meeting part till 9:00 or a few minutes after.
Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?
Click the READ MORE link for the wisdom of this unknown writer
Is there a magic cutoff period when Offspring become accountable for their own Actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in The lives of their children and shrug, 'It's Their life,' and feel nothing? When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital Corridor waiting for doctors to put a few Stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do You stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Mom just smiled faintly and said nothing. When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little Chair in a classroom and heard how one of my Children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, And was headed for a career making License plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher Said, 'Don't worry, they all go through This stage and then you can sit back, relax and Enjoy them.' My Mom just smiled Faintly and said nothing. When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime Waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come Home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, In a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be Adults.' My Mom just smiled faintly And said nothing. By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being Vulnerable. I was still worrying over my Children, but there was a new wrinkle. There Was nothing I could do about it. My Mom just smiled faintly and said nothing. I Continued to anguish over their failures, be Tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in Their disappointments. My friends said that when my kids got married I Could stop worrying and lead my own Life. I wanted to believe that, but I was Haunted by my Mom's warm smile and her Occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are You depressed about something?' Can it be that parents are sentenced to a Lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another Handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of Human frailties and the fears of the Unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue That elevates us to the highest form of life? One of my children became quite irritable Recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've beenCalling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed. PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS
"...I have a tendency to talk too much; which turns my daughter off. But that night, I vowed I would keep my mouth shut, not judge her, criticize her, or inject my comments. Only when she asked for my opinion did I give it to her. I just listened."
click the READ MORE link to read the rest of this mother's story.
LISTENING
My daughter has been an addict since she was 13. She’s been in recovery now for 9 months, living away from home and doing very well.
One evening after not hearing from her for a while, she phoned me. She had been going through some tough times and wanted to come home and stay overnight. She wanted me to hold her and watch a move like the old times. So I picked her up and brought her home.
That night she talked, we cried, we laughed, and I held her. It was like giving birth to her all over again. I hadn’t felt so much pleasure with her in a long, long time.
I have a tendency to talk too much; which turns my daughter off. But that night, I vowed I would keep my mouth shut, not judge her, criticize her, or inject my comments. Only when she asked for my opinion did I give it to her. I just listened.
Sometimes listening can be more powerful than anything. It’s surprising how much better I got to know and understand my daughter. The gap that was beginning to form between us had gone away. BECAUSE I LISTENED.
It was a learning experience for me. There are times when it’s necessary to listen. That night was one of those times. Listening was the best help I could have given her.
We learn a lot in the PSST meetings. Often, some of the key ideas get distilled into a sentence that makes complete sense in its conciseness and clarity. For example:
“Holding resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies.”
Sometimes, outside of the PSST meetings, you may come upon a grain of wisdom that you are sure was about dealing with addiction, but in fact it is just a universal truth that applies. Some of my favorites:
“Actions don't spring from thoughts but from readiness for responsibility.” -Deitrich Bonhoffer
“Appeasers believe that if you keep on throwing steaks to a tiger, the tiger will become a vegetarian.” -Heywood Broun
OK. Time for you to get involved. Share the sayings that mean the most to you, that have been helpful, that turned on the light, that helped you “get it”. Share the one you cling to, the one that shows you due North in this struggle. Share it if someone else wrote or said it or if you thought it up. It doesn’t matter. It may help a parent in the group now or someone who reads this blog 10 years from now. Leave a comment or send an email and I will post it.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, November 21, 2008
From left to right: Judge Mulligan, Judge Clark, Supervisor Valerie Ketter, Ken, Deputy Director Juvenile Court Russell Carlino, Assistant Administrator Ted Kairys, and Director of Court Services for Allegheny County James Reiland.
Ken was honored on November 6,2008 at the Juvenile Court Jdges' Commission and PA. Council of Chief Juvenile Probation Officers Annual Awards Program with the Meritorious Service Award.
Both Ken and his wife Debbie have been tirelessly involved in efforts to help their teenager with drug addiction. This nomination focuses on Ken because of his volunteer efforts to help other parents, such as:
(1) Become a leader in Parent Survival Skills Training, attending Saturday morning meetings weekly for several years. (2) Started and continues to edit the PSST blog, which carries helpful information from diverse sources. (www.gopsst.org.) (3) Almost single-handedly started the North Hills chapter of PSST.
Ken also gives out his personal phone number to parents and makes himself available for phone calls and even home visits to distraught parents. When Ken gives advice it comes from the heart, because he knows the pain of having a loved one continually struggle with this life threatening disease of addiction.
Ken deserves recognition because of his work with his daughter but also because of his selfless volunteer work to help other parents in their struggles.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Thursday, October 23, 2008
Contratulations to Beth and Erv who were chosen Allegheny Parents of the Year!
First, they had a big challenge with their son. They endured lots of difficulties as they struggle to help their son turn the corner from his poor choices that led him down a path of trouble. Secondly, they changed a lot of what they did and worked with PSST and treatment therapists to make those changes. Third, through it all they supported each other and presented a unified front to their son. And last but not least both of these parents reached out to help others. We saw it over and over again as they attended PSST, performed role-plays, led by example, and even participated in Coffee House Nation events (our positive peer group for youth sponsored by Juvenile Court) by not only being there for the teens but also by bringing hot dogs beverages and such for our Steeler Game event. Congratulations to Beth and Erv and thanks from all of us at Juvenile Court for your contribution.
Picture from left to right in the back row: James Rieland, Director of Allegheny County Probation; Judge Flaherty; Judge Woodruff; Anthony Madison #37 Pittsburgh Steelers; Judge Clark; Judge McVay; Judge Mulligan.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, October 01, 2008
First, it's the second try at "bring your teen with you to PSST." Second, we are trying to help Laura Condos with her evalution of PSST and we are inviting parents that we have not seen for a while to come back and let us know if they feel that the whole PSST experience was worthwhile.
There will be a chance for everyone to meet with Laura, fill out the evaluation form (also available on this website- see post below) and also briefly interview with Laura. Any help either by coming in to see us or filling out the survey online is appreciated.
Click on the PSST logo in the top banner of this page, to make sure you are on the PSST home-page, before using this search option.
Upcoming Meetings and Events
**** PSST meetings will be discontinued for the next several months. Once we have determined a re-start date for the meetings, we will post that information on this website. ****
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Email your story to one of our volunteer PSST editors for posting. To protect you and your teenager's anonymity we suggest that you choose pen names. gopsst@gmail.com
This blog is intended solely to share the things we come across that inspire us. If we have posted a copyrighted image, video or a portion of a copyrighted article, we have done so only to the extent necessary to comment upon or discuss it; we will always include a link to the original source if that source is online or acknowledge the source if it is in print. If we have posted anything here that is copyrighted and you want us to remove it, please do not hesitate to contact us and we will do so right away.
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Many parents have difficulty trying to get their teens to have a nice chat. Here are seven tips. You might have some other tips and if so, please tell us about them by leaving a comment.
