I asked some teens for help. Here's what a group of teenagers said about what they hated most about getting consequences.
1. Too much lecture along with the consequences. This was a major theme. These teens weren’t complaining so much about the consequences but about all the stuff they have to listen to when their parent dish out the consequences. The less said at consequence time the better. This is a case where less is more.
Of course, getting yelled at can be a part of the consequences, and sometimes it constitutes all of the consequences. However, when you yell at your teen it often has a counterproductive effect. Just say it and move on is the better course of action. "Getting yelled at" is not a good consequence because it causes resentments and anger. "Why is Billy so angry?" Maybe we don't have to look to far to see that answer.
2. They don't listen to me. The teens felt that parents make very little effort to hear what they are saying.
Some parents might be afraid that if they let their teen know that they "hear" what the teen is saying that it is the same as agreeing. It is not. Quite often the teen is saying that life is unfair, or that the parents are being unfair. But parents want to show that they are being fair. And Parents want to convince Billy that they are fair. They want Billy to admit that they are fair. Consequently, parents tend to be defensive about that whole "fair thing."
In reality, a teenager can accept the consequences much easier if he feels that the parents have listened. Also, the parent is free to apply the same consequences whether or not they have attempted an active listening response. Active listening responses are not necessarily agreeing that the teen is "right." Except that parents are agreeing that the teen feels that way. The parents are also agreeing that their teenagers has good reasons to feel the way he feels. Don't forget that everyone has good reasons to feel the way that they feel- or at least they appear to be good reasons at the time that the feelings are generated.
Active Listening can be the glue that keeps relationships going though these difficult times. It is often a way to get your teenager to do better at accepting the consequences. But it isn't just a way to get your teen to do better at accepting the consequences. More than that, it's a great way to improve your relationship with your teenager.
More in my next post about Active Listening skills. I will break it down. You feel ___ because ___ is the formula. In the next post we will look at ways to creatively say that.
Giving Consequences
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Let's Take Back 4/20
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Sometimes things just get to me. True story. I was hanging out with my son, he is watching Cops on G4, a national cable channel owned by Comcast that targets his demographic; 16-24, male, video game player, likes action/adventure. I am sure they would be surprised to find me in front of the set. Oh, and this is around 4 PM on a weekday, you will see why the time matters in a second.
The commercial break comes and the nice folks at G4 run an add for their “420 lineup” for several drug related movies and cartoons. The voice-over is the vintage Cheech and Chong druggie stereotype. And now I am mad. Mad, because this is just another version of “just marijuana” and it is being run on TV shows that target our kids right after school and major corporations are sponsoring it.
For those of you who may not know, April 20th, 4/20, is some kind of national pot smoking day. The lore says it comes from 420 being the police call for marijuana use but I don’t know. All the kids know though.
So I called my local cable company and complained. They were very nice but not interested in doing anything. I found the G4 web site and found they were owned by Comcast. Comcast has an email address so I told them my story. They said they didn’t know anything about G4, they carry a lot of channels and see you later. I wrote back and gave them the clip from the G4 website that says that Comcast is the majority owner of G4. Comcast said OK but we don’t control programming content!?
I am still mad so I went to the FCC web site and filed a complaint online. I felt better.
Maybe we should try to take back April 20th? What if parents stand up and say that on 4/20 everyone comes straight home from school and stays in for the evening because it is dangerous out? Could the schools increase their vigilance for one day and go on the alert for drug use, maybe cancel all after school activities that day? Would the press get involved? Maybe probation officers could drug screen every client on 4/21. Maybe we could call our local police and ask them to set up DUI points on 4/20 just like New Years Eve.
How long is it going to take until we are as indignant about a major corporation encouraging drug use as we are about cartoon images of Joe Camel?
Did I mention that the G4 420 advertisement ran between two Cops segments that involved people getting arrested for drug use!
OK, I feel better. Let’s discuss this at our next PSST meeting.
No meeting on 3-29-08.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, March 28, 2008
We are being featured in an Alliance Video being shot on the morning of the 29th. If you are interested email Lloyd at lloyd.woodward@court.allegheny.pa.us or call me at 412-861-6757.
New Bridge to Hope Meeting Thursdays in Cranberry
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Friday, March 21, 2008
Weekly support group meetings for families affected by substance abuse.
Every Thursday, 7 p.m.
Garden Montessori School _ 204 Commerce Park Drive _ Cranberry Township
(Directions follow)
BRIDGE TO HOPE
There’s No Place Like Hope
The Bridge to Hope is an educational and support program, free of charge, for families and friends whose loved ones are affected by substance abuse.
The support group meets weekly at Garden Montessori School in Cranberry Township and is intended for people who have come to the realization that a family member is facing addiction.
The Bridge to Hope program is intended to bridge a gap between the realization of the problem and the need for solutions. It is a bridge to finding help and giving support to those who are - directly or indirectly - affected by addiction.
Please join us each Thursday evening. The Bridge to Hope support group is here for you to find Help, Support, and most important of all . . . to find Hope.
For additional information call:
412 367-6643
This Project was financed by a grant from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania,
Department of Community and Economic Development.
We gratefully acknowledge Garden Montessori School for use of its facilities.
Directions to
204 Commerce Park Drive
Cranberry Township, PA 16066
From Pittsburgh and South:
a) Interstate 79-North to exit 78 onto Route 228, Cranberry/Mars
b) Turn left onto Route 228-West
c) At (major) traffic light intersection of Routes 228 and 19, turn right onto Route 19-North.
d) Continue on Route 19-North for 0.9-mile, and at fifth traffic light – turn left onto Rochester
Road.
e) Proceed approx. 300 feet and turn left onto Commerce Park Drive (just after car wash).
f) Continue on Commerce Park Drive for approx. _-mile to Building 2, 204 Commerce Park
Drive. Garden Montessori School will be on left side, close to end of building; sign on door.
From Erie and North:
a) Interstate 79-North to exit 78 onto Route 228, Cranberry/Mars
b) Turn right onto Route 228-West
c) At (major) traffic light intersection of Routes 228 and 19, turn right onto Route 19-North.
d) Continue on Route 19-North for 0.9-mile, and at fifth traffic light – turn left onto Rochester
Road.
e) Proceed approx. 300 feet and turn left onto Commerce Park Drive (just after car wash).
f) Continue on Commerce Park Drive for approx. _-mile to Building 2, 204 Commerce Park
Drive. Garden Montessori School will be on left side, close to end of building; sign on door.
Thanks to PSST for 100.00 Donation and for a tremendous Holiday Party
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, January 23, 2008
On 12-15-07, we held our Holiday Party at our Wilkinsburg location. The food was a tremedous display as most parents brought in a special dish. Then, Val and I got a big surprise when we opened the Christmas card. Two fifty dollar bills dropped out...At first we thought, "Oh please, you folks know we are not allowed to accept gifts, but then we read the card, which said that this was a donation to the Coffee House Nation, a positive Peer group sober-fun activity club that in which myself, PO Tuma, and Val all participate. Of course we felt relieved and honored at this beautiful gesture.
So far, the money has been spent taking the club to the movies, and paying for pizza on Hockey Night out! Thanks PSST for you support.
I read the stories at PSST because...(written by Anonymous)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, January 13, 2008
I write this as an outsider, to let you all know that I have read what you have shared to empower myself, and in turn, empower my child for the future.
I read the stories at PSST because...
My child is not an addict. She is only 10 years old. She will ask me if even the slightest things are toxic. "Mom, there was beer in that bottle! Dad made beer and it was in a Mountain Dew bottle! I thought it was Mountain Dew. I drank a sip and I spit it out. OMG will it kill me?!!!!!!
"She's quite dramatic. While it is quite serious to her, I have to say, "No, the traces that you may have swallowed will not kill you." But I also think about how to handle the situation because I don't want her to ever drink.
You see, I did my share of drugs and I was lucky. When the drugs started calling my name and I found myself in the worst places looking for them, I realized that I was becoming the person I had hated the most when I was growing up- I was becoming drug addicted like one of my parents-and I walked away from it.
The stories on this blog move me to tears and make me cry for the parents going through the steps to save their children. Or worse, the grief of a parent who lost their child to drug addiction. I also read this blog to empower myself for what might come. Even though my child is only 10, she knows that drugs kill. She knows about Jessica and I tell her, "You know drugs can kill you even just from trying them. You don't know what's in them. Drugs can kill you and just trying them and experimenting with them can kill you. It just takes one time. Just one time that someone says, "Come on- you're a wimp if you don't." I tell my daughter, "Be a wimp and live, Honey. Don't listen to someone that doesn't care about you."
I tell my daughter, "Hear me now- drugs will strip you of your joys, your loves and your life." I tell her every tragic story and make every child real to her. The pain is as apparent as the tears that roll down my face. I say, "Be different, be strong, live to be the person that you want to be when you grow up. Don't be a grave I have to visit because someone told you that drugs are OK. Don't be a grave I have to visit because some kid told you they wouldn't like you if you don't take drugs."
I tell her that school friends and fads and coolness will not matter in a few years although I know they are important to her now. Fortunately, she likes who she is at this point. Fortunately, the stories that I read to her off of your blog is knowledge- and knowledge is power.
I hope I never need to be in your group but as one who has been a drug abusing teen and a drug abusing adult- I want to use any preemptive measures I can to spare my child the same path.
Me? I could have been anything, anybody. Not to brag, but I have been tested at Borderline Genius IQ and I could have done anything with my life. Instead, I chose to be stoned, tripping, or drunk. I tried to escape my alcoholic father by becoming what I hated most. I was just lucky. I don't want my child to have to depend on luck.
As a parent I feel your pain. As a regular reader of this blog, I feel the tremendous dedication that you all have towards these kids and towards each other. So I write this as an outsider, to let you all know that I have read what you have shared to empower myself, and in turn, empower my child for the future. Please, keep doing what you do on this blog- if it makes a difference to me I believe that it makes a difference to many other parents as well. Many of us, God willing, will never make it to one of your meetings, but we are there with you each time we read what you have shared.
Role-play: Dad stands with Mom. (15 Parents attend Alliance PSST on 1-11-08.)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, January 13, 2008
With three newcomers, this meeting rocked! Veteran group members reached out to the newcomers with empathy and information. Especially, the role-playing took a very realistic turn, with several men "channeling" their teens in the role-play.
There is an old saying that "if you want to really learn something - teach it." Well, a lot of that might have been going on as parents reached out to our three newcomers. In fact, we tend to have some our better meetings when newcomers arrive. So, if anybody out there is reading this and thinking about coming to one of our groups, please do so. You end up helping our group as much as the group helps you.
The role-play we did is one about visiting your teen in the rehab. Your teen wants to blame you for it. You are hoping that your teenager can take some responsibility and admit that via the choices that he made, he put himself into rehab.
It is a bit unrealistic to expect the teen who is forced into rehab to admit that he put himself there. Also, when your teen blames you for putting him in rehab, a large part of what he is saying is that you are powerful. The last thing that we as parents should claim is that we have no power. Instead, we can start to look at the blame as credit. If your teen want to give you credit for putting them being in rehab go ahead and take some of it. (Of course, we know that you couldn't have done it without their help.)
One of the dynamics of our latest role-play is that Mom and Dad are not on the same page. We have done other role-plays with this theme and at the bottom of this post you can find links to related role-plays. In this one, Mom has to be the bad guy all the time. Dad gets to be the buddy. This presents a challenging situation because it is only natural that the teen will take the opportunity to exploit the chasm between you both.
For example, Mom feels that the son should absolutely be in rehab. The Dad thinks so too, but on any given day he might feel differently about that. On any given day he might belive that his son should not be in a drug rehab. Therefore, he is more vulnerable to the teenager's manipulations. He would benefit from working on that issue before he makes his first visit to the rehab.
The following role-play is inspired by the one we did in group but is really not at all what we did in group. .
Setting: The teen as been in the drug rehab for about a week. He was admitted to the rehab via Act 53.
Mom: Well Son you look good. Are they treating you OK up here?
Son: You Bitch; don't speak to me. I only want to speak to Dad. [Turning from Mom and looking at Dad] Dad, you know she put me in here. You know I don't belong in here. Get me out of here Dad. I know YOU want me home. Dad, let's get out of here.
Dad: Son, I don't like you calling your Mom names. THAT is unacceptable.
Son: But Dad, you know it's true. You know what she is like.
Dad: Your Mom and I do what we do because we love you.
Son: I know you love me Dad. You know I don't belong up here.
Dad: Listen Son, I'm glad you brought this up so that we can talk about it. I'd like to get things straightened out while you're up here.
Son: Can I come home Dad? That's all I want to know. I don't want to straighten nothing else out if I can't come home.
Dad: I have an apology to make to you son.
Son: It's OK Dad. I know you just went along with her. She and I just don't get along but I see you do things sometimes just to try to get along with her. But let's face it, neither of us can get along with her.
Dad: Son, you go ahead and talk. When you're done- you let us know. Your mother and I will wait until you are done. [Looking at Mom] Right honey, we can wait until he finishes before we have our turn to talk.
Mom: Yes, I will wait until he is ready to stop interrupting me.
Son: Can we go home? Now? Please?
Dad: No.
Son: Why not? Give me one good reason?
Dad: No.
Son: No?
Dad: Not until it's our turn to talk. You go ahead and finish what you have to say first- we won't interrupt you and then when it's our turn, you won't interrupt us.
Son: Well, it sucks to be up here and even the staff can't figure out what the hell I'm doing up here. Everyone agrees that I don't need to be here.
Dad: Go ahead Son
Son: I need you to talk back to me; but not her. Just you.
Dad: It doesn't work that way.
Son: What the hell?
Dad: Your mother and I have the same things to say. You hear us both out or you don't hear either one of us.
Son: Fine. What?
Dad: You sure we can talk now?
Son: Yes. Talk Talk. [rolling eyes and giving out a big sigh.)
Dad: Son, I need to start in my own way- and so will you mother- so we want to make sure that you won't interrupt us. If you're not done talking yet, we can wait.
Son: What (beginning to raise voice) you mean I can't go home? Why the fu&* not?
Dad: First things first. I have something brief to say and then your mother has something to say to you. Here's mine. Listen, I really owe you an apology.
Son: What- no no no Dad.
Dad: [gives son a "Shush" by putting his index finger to his lips) Hear me out- please don't interrupt. We have not interrupted you. I see now that I have been trying all this time just to be your buddy. You need me to be a father, not a buddy.
Son: Dad, we are buddies- the Patriots are playing tonight Dad, you know you can't enjoy that game while I'm locked up here for no reason at all. [leaning in close to dad with his hand around his mouth as though he is speaking a secret- lowing voice] She's outta control Dad. She is really really outta control this time."
Dad: Son, your mother and I will enjoy the game, tonight but back to what I was saying. Because I have been trying to hard to be your buddy, I haven't been tough enough on you. And this has put your mother in a bad situation. She has had to become the bad guy. This is part of why you are so angry at her right now- you think that she is the only parent who wants you to get help. Well, Son [putting his hand up to stop Son from interrupting]. That is just not true. I want you to be in here to get help for your drug problem and I am just as responsible for you being in here as she is- maybe more so.
Son: (finally interrupting as he can not stand listening anymore) I don't belong here HELLO! I am not like these other people
Dad: Wait Son, it's our turn to speak. It is not OK for you to do drugs. It will not be OK for you to do drugs or to hang out with your friends that do drugs. Period. And I stand together with your mother to try to stop your abuse of drugs. It's something that I should have done a long time ago.
Son: That is such bull shit - can I talk now?
Dad: No- It's your mother's turn.
Son: No way! I don't want to talk to her.
Dad: [looking at Mom} Honey, if he's not going to let you have your say, I think this visit is over. Not much more we can do here until he is ready to deal with both of us.
Mom: I think you're right.
Son: What you are just going to leave me here?
Mom: Of course we are.
Son: You can't do that! You can't just walk out of here. It'll look like you are bad parents.
Dad: Well I think I would have been a better father if I had quit trying to be your buddy. You can tell the staff here that I said that!
Son: (Starts punching his hand with his fist and looking at his mother.)
Dad: We'll discuss this next visit Son. [parents exit- leaving Son sitting there fuming.
Other role-plays with similar themes:
Ganging Up On Mom.
Ask me again, ask me again
Blaming Parents (Single Mom)
"Meanest Mom on the Planet" Talks About Car Ad (Written by Elizabeth Bishop)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, January 11, 2008
OLDS 1999 Intrigue:
"Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for 3 weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet."
Jane Hambleton told Good Morning America she never intended to generate so much publicity. She just wanted to sell her son's car and teach the 19-year-old a lesson after she found alcohol in the vehicle.
Still, the tone of the ad garnered much attention:
"I know that if you want to move something, you want to sell it, it has to stand out," she said.
It did. Hambleton got dozens of calls.
"I got about 70 parents, but nobody wanted to buy the car," said the 48-year-old from Fort Dodge, Iowa. People just called to support her and thank her for standing up for herself.
The "meanest mom on the planet" moniker was part of her salesmanship, and Hambleton said she figured every parent had been called that at least once.
Hambleton's son Steven said he learned of the classified listing when a friend called his mother's cell phone asking for the "meanest mom in the world."
"My friends gave me a hard time," he said.
Hambleton said she never intended to generate publicity. She really only wanted to sell the car and said she was not looking to gain attention.
"The intention was to sell the car," and not humiliate her son, she said.
The story exploded after Hambleton gave an interview to her local newspaper, the Des Moines Register. Full Story.
"I am the mother of an addict..." by Jennifer
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, January 07, 2008
HI MY NAME IS JENNIFER, I AM A MOTHER OF AN ADDICT,MY SON SHAWN IS NOW 18 HE BECAME AN ADDICT AT THE AGE OF 14. I USED ACT 53 TO SAVE HIS LIFE I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE AT I HAVE BEEN THERE MY SELF I TRIED EVERY THING TO SAVE HIS LIFE THE ONLY THING THAT WORKED WAS ACT 53. HE IS NOW IN A LONG TERM PLACEMENT DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO SAVE YOU CHILDS LIFE IT WILL BE THE HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER HAVE TO DO BUT YOU WILL SEE YOUR CHILD AGAIN,NOT THE ADDICT,THE PERSON YOU DONT KNOW .I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE A SPECIAL THANKS TO LYNN FOR ALL OF HER HELP, AND TO LLOYD WOODWARD, IF IT WASN'T FOR THEIR HELP I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN CELEBRATING MY SONS 18 BIRTHDAY LAST MONTH,I WOULD HAVE BEEN PUTTING FLOWERS ON HIS GRAVE , PLEASE USE ACT 53 IT WILL NOT ONLY SAVE YOUR CHILDS LIFE, BUT YOUR'S TOO.
IF YOU NEED TO TALK PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME AT jenniferterleski@yahoo.com THANK YOU FROM A MOTHER WHO CAN NOW EAT, SLEEP, AND BREATH AGAIN.
Listen To One of Our Parents on KDKA
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Saturday, December 15, 2007
Left click any place in this sentence to hear one of our parents on the Marty Griffin show - You can also right click and "save as" to download the mp3 file to your computer.
Providing MP3 audio is something new for us. Please leave a comment if you like it, hate it or have difficulty using this feature.
We are opening our meeting this saturday at 8 AM!
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Its our holiday meeting. People may want to come early. We will attempt hot coffee by 8:00 AM. Come in early and help us celebrate the holiday.
Type rest of the post here
Ask me again. Ask me again! (who is the big dog?)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Monday, December 10, 2007
This role-play or technique if you will, comes up again and again at our meetings as parents discover it's effectiveness in stopping teens from debating and pestering. It came up at our Alliance Meeting on 12-8-07, as one of our parents reported again on how effective this has been since he heard about it from one of the other parents.
Teens have learned that they can sometimes wear parents down by constantly badgering them. That especially, if parents allow themselves to engage in the big "debate" over whether or not a teen should be allowed to do a certain thing, that eventually they become weary of the discussion and may weaken to the point of saying something to the effect of, "oh it's on you- go ahead, remember I told you this was a bad idea," or "OK, but just this once don't ask again." This approach reminds me of a persistent hockey team playing against the best goalie in the world. Their game plan is to just put enough traffic in front of the goal so that something can slip in. Likewise, a teen is just going to torture his parents until he gets the answer the he wants.
Parents can declare freedom from this pressure when they admit a couple of things to their teenager.
1st. We are not going to convince our teens that we are right when we say "NO." We can sit there all night and debate and our teen will only get more annoyed or angry with the parent. The teen does not wish to understand. The teen wishes to have his own way. There is a big difference between wanting your own way and wanting to understand.
2ND. Some times our teenagers need to ask us a million times if they can do something. This is partly because they may have learned that it is one way to get their own way.
3rd. If we try to leave the teen to his own struggles, the teen might just stalk us around the house until we give in. Don't run if you think you will pursued. Stop. Face your stalker. Use strong body language and show your teen that you won't run from the issue. Exception; if you have opportunity to retreat to part of the house or to the car where there is sanctuary- then that's fine- however, often there is no safe haven and we must stop running if we can't get away anyhow.
Teen: Mom can I go out tonight.
Mom: No.
Teen: Please.
Mom: No it's late. Stay home.
Teen: Why? Give me one good reason why not?
Mom: It's too late.
Teen: I'll be home by eleven. That's not too late. You let me stay out that late before.
Mom: Not tonight.
Teen: Give me one good reason.
Mom: No
Teen: What do you mean "No."
Mom: Look, [leaning in closer and lowering voice]. I will never convince you that you should not go out tonight.
Teen: What does that mean?
Mom: Just this. We could discuss this all night. Come morning, you would still think that you should have been allowed out. I don't have the power to convince you that you should stay home.
Teen: Right. I know. So let me go.
Mom: No.
Teen: Just like that. Just because you say so- is it one of those again?
Mom: Yes.
Teen: I don't understand.
Mom: I know. And that's my point honey. You won't understand - no matter how long we talk about it, no matter how many reasons I give you- it won't be enough to convince you. So, I'm not gong to try to convince you. It's just the way it is. Deal with it.
Teen: You have no right to treat me like I'm 14.
Mom: Nevertheless, stay home- do not go out.
Teen: You don't even know where I want to go! I want to go over Laura's. You KNOW she's a good kid, Mom.
Mom: Regardless, stay home.
Teen: Mom, you have to let me go! I have to go. I have to see Laura. I have to talk to her tonight- you don't know how much this means to me!!!!!!.
Mom: OK, I can see where this is going.
Teen: You can? So you'll let me go? I love you- I promise I won't be out past 12.
Mom: That's not want I meant.
Teen: What do you mean - you see where this is going? It's going to where I wanna know why i can't go out- that's where it's going.
Mom: Like I said, I can't convince you honey but I can see that you need to ask me repeatedly about this. OK, lets get it over with. Ask me now.
Teen: What are you talking about?
Mom: Well you need to ask me, I suppose, 20 or 30 times to try to get me to change my mind. Go ahead. Ask me now. [mother moves closer.]
Teen: Can I go out tonight?
Mom: NO- ask me again.
Teen: Can I go out tonight?
Mom: No- ask me again.
Teen: This is stupid.
Mom: Yes - I agree. But you need to get this out of your system so go ahead. Ask me again. Ask me now.
Teen: No. [walks off angry.]
The idea is that once you give the teenager permission to ask you- it somehow becomes a "paradoxical task," or "reverse psychology." In any case it seems to take the wind out of the sail of the teen and they no longer wish to do it once they have permission to "fire away." The teen can sense the futility in the exercise.
The other thing that often happens is that the teenager pursues the parent into different corners of the house continuing to torture the parent who will not relent.
If you were in group in Wexford on Saturday or at Greentree last Tuesday, you may remember me telling about the time when I was small and I tried to outrun a dog who had jumped over a fence. I couldn't out run the dog. I got bit on the rear end. Stitches and everything. Very traumatic. What did i learn? Don't show your rear end. Keep good solid eye contact. Don't back down because if you do retreat you will get bit. The exception of course is if you can get away- then that is a different story. So many times, however, the parent knows that in their home for various reasons, there is no where to hide.
The remedy for this is to face the teenager. Bridge the gap. This is often a tactic that we recommend in group. Get closer. Face to face. Take a wee bit of their personal space away. Don't become their prey. If you are being pursued in your own home as you run from room to room, then it is clear who has all the power. If you allow yourself to become the prey then you are fast on the way to loosing any position of power.
Once you face down your teen you may sense the shift in power. In fact, with strong body language, you can now allow yourself to be conciliatory. This is often a very good way to take the offensive.
Mom: [trying to get away from teenager she starts walking away still saying these words] I'm done talking about this- this conversation is over.
Teen: [raising voice] Don't you walk away from me you little Ho, I'm not finished discussing this one. There is no reason - you can't give me one reason -that you have to treat me like this. I did nothing to you. I even helped you with the laundry today, and now you won't give me the car to use? What kind of shit is that?
Mom: [reverses direction- faces teen- moves into personal space of teen but keeps voice very low and very measured] OK- I can see that you still have things to say about this.
Teen: [startled with the reverse direction and the teen backs up a step to try to keep things more in her comfort zone] You're damn right I've got things to say.
Mom: OK, well I want to hear what you have to say. In fact, I'm going to give you the last word. Go ahead, you take the last word. I'll shut up and listen.
Teen: I want to go out.
[pause]
Mom: Keep going.
Teen: I am going out. I need the keys to the car tonight. It's very important. If you knew how important it was to me you would let me go out.
Mom: Keep going. I'm listening.
Teen: Please Please Please let me have the car tonight- Please Mom I swear I'll be home by midnight.
Mom: Keep talking- let me have it.
Teen: Mom! Answer me.
Mom: No- I've said my piece. This is your chance to have the last word. You can tell me off or say anything you want. I'm listening.
Teen: That's no fair.
Mom: What's not fair?
Teen: You aren't going to let me go-it doesn't matter what I say.
Mom: It apparently matters to you - that's why you follow me around the house with this stuff- lets just get it out of your system. I'm not arguing - I'm giving you the last word so that we don't compete to see who gets to have it. You can have the last say. Go ahead- tell me what you need to tell me. I'm listening.
Teen: Can I have the car tonight please?
Mom: No you may not. Ask me again if you need to- go ahead.
Teen: Fu$& you. [walks away]
Both of these situations involve the parent giving permission for the teen to continue to ask or to have the last word. But now, to the teen, there appears to be no point.
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A little holiday fun
Posted by:Ken Sutton--Wednesday, December 05, 2007
We had a suggestion (good idea Barb!) at our last meeting to share some holiday treats and joy during our 12/15 meeting at the Eastern Probation Office. Purely voluntary if you want to bring something. We will have a regular format meeting, just more to eat!
Type rest of the post here
Report on recent meetings and Holiday Vist role-play.
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, December 05, 2007
We had four parents two weeks ago at Eastern, 12 parents this last Saturday at Eastern, and three parents at Gateway Greentree. At the 12-parent meeting we also had two guests from Wesley-Spectrum Family Therapy.
It was very nice to have guests at our Wilkinsburg meeting. Wesley-Spectrum therapists are involved with more and more of our parents in group and reports that we get are very positive about the great work they do.
All in all it was a great meeting. Even with 12 parents everyone finished updates by close to 10:30 AM leaving us time for an extra long break followed by role-plays. The smaller meetings that we have had lately have allowed more time for more intimate sharing and more time for longer role-plays.
At one meeting we explored how much power that teenagers still exert on the family even when they are in placement. How do they manage it? Mostly through the application of guilt. Parents are often particularly susceptible to these tactics because they already feel so guilty about having their teen in placement, even though it means that they are temporarily safe from continued substance abuse.
Add to this equation the fact that the holidays are upon us and you see tremendous pressure. For example, consider this exchange from a recent role-play.
Teen: Mom, you know you can have me home at on Christmas.
Mom: I thought you had to be here longer to get a home pass. You just got here a month ago.
Teen: No, Mom! That doesn't matter. All you need is a Court Order, and they say it's fine for me to go home at Christmas.
Mom: A court order?
Teen: Yes, you can do that Mom. Just call the PO. Tell them you insist, that you expect me to at least have a Christmas Visit. Look at this place Mom! And you put me here- the least you can do is spring me for one day!
Mom: Oh I don't know about that honey...
Teen: MOM! [getting a bit louder] it's Christmas! Oh my gawd, even Tiny Tim had a Christmas! You remember our favorite holiday movie we used to watch- or did you even forget what wonderful Christmases we had when I was little.
Mom: No honey, I didn't forget...
Teen: Then you'll call the PO and ask for the order?
We can see how much pressure this teen puts on the parent. Note that the natural tendency for the parent is to say, "no, honey. I can't do that." Or "I'll call the PO" and later say, "you Know honey, I called the PO and they say we can't do that. Sorry I did what I could. You know I want you home for Christmas and if I could have done anything at all- I would have."
But lets look at this reply. It accomplishes one thing. It keeps the teen in the placement where she is safe over the holidays. However, it does that without transferring any power to the parent. The power-players in this scenario is the Teen for applying a generous amount of guilt and the PO who says "no- way." The parent is correctly viewed as powerless. Also, the parent really does nothing to garner support or appreciation from the teen who could care less how much mom tried- the bottom line is Mom failed. Plus the teen might correctly assume that Mom didn't really try that hard. No, this is not what we need. What we need is for the Mom to be powerful, and in the beginning of the role-play you can see that the Teen attributes power to the Mom. The teen is more or less saying, "hey Mom, you are powerful." And Mom's response is "no, I'm not powerful." This is like throwing money away. Part of the problem that we are trying to address is the imbalance of power that happens along with Chemical Dependency. The addicted family person ends up with way to much power. When the addicted person is in treatment, we are trying to correct this imbalance. Consider the following wrap-up to the above role-play:
Mom: Honey, you are so right!
Teen: About what? You mean you will ask for the Court order?
Mom: Honey, what I mean is this. If we had a Court order you could come home for Christmas. A Court order goes a long way in this business, I'm learning that.
Teen: And?
Mom: Well, this is going to make you mad I'm afraid, but I'm not going to ask for a Court order for a Christmas Visit.
Teen: What!? You don't want me home do you.
Mom: No, not yet.
Teen: you bi%@*. You want me to stay in this hell hole that YOU put me in, while you out having a nice Christmas.
Mom: Yes, I want you to be here where you are safe.
Teen: Oh don't give me that s*&t. I have done really well here, and you know the staff spit on that one girl- what kind of place is this you put me in. You put me here. You don't even know what this place is like, do you MOM? You don't know a thing about this place. The things I could tell you about this place would keep you up at night if only knew what goes on in here...
Mom: Yes, I think it's bad here.
Teen: Bad? You have no idea. Did you ever have to stay in a place like this? Huh? Did you? No you didn't.
Mom: No. I don't' know what goes on in here.
Teen: So how can you say that?
Mom: I prefer that you are where you can not do drugs, stay out all night, go out with older men who give you drugs. That's all. And I want you to come home to visit only when you have earned that privilege here.
Teen: You don't have a clue. Give me one good reason why I can't come home for Christmas?
Mom: Honey, you know if we talk about this for hours, it won't matter. I can't convince you that you should spend Christmas in here.
Teen: You're right! You can't.
Mom: So, I'm not going to try.
Teen: Well, you just want me out of the way, don't you? Admit it. It's just "easier" for you that way.
Mom: Well, yes, it is easier for me to enjoy Christmas knowing that you are safe here from drugs and alcohol.
Teen: So, this is all about what is best for you, isn't it.
Mom: Yes, part of is all about me. I want you safe this Christmas. I don't' want to worry about you getting high, running off with that older man, stealing money from me and from our relatives, and hurting yourself in any of the ways that you have done in the past.
Teen: Why won't you trust me? I'm not going to do any of that this year!
Mom: Nevertheless, you'll be here for Christmas this year.
Teen: I hate you! Don't even come to visit me for Christmas. I don't want to see you anymore. I hate you.
Mom: You break my heart baby.
Teen: Oh sure. I don't think you feel bad at all. If you did, you would get me out of here for just ONE DAY!
Mom: Yes, you are right. I guess I don't feel as badly about it as I would have last year. I guess it's OK for you to be mad at me. I'm OK with that.
Teen: What do you mean by that? That is an ignorant thing to say.
Mom: Well, it use to bother me soooooo much if you were mad at me. Then, I would make decisions that maybe weren't good ones, just so that you wouldn't be mad at me. But I've changed. I have a job to do as your mother. Sometimes when I do my job you're going to be mad at me. I've accepted that.
Teen: Bi$%. Just don't visit me. You got that?
Mom: Yes, I got that.
Teen: Just think about me rotting away while you have your little Christmas, OK? Just picture me stuck in here with all these felons, rapists, and bank robbers. OK?
Mom: I confess that while I will miss you- and you don't believe that- my holidays will be happier this year just because I know you safe from Drug Abuse. That's the nicest gift I could get this year.
Teen: I hate you. Please leave now.
Mom: OK, I think maybe we covered everything. [gives girl a hug, which girl fights off.] Love you. [Mom walks away.]
Teen: [Wants to yell obscenities at Mom but mom is walking aways and is in ear-shot of staff who girl does not want to overhear their problems, so she fumes quietly.
OK, not a happy ending. Not yet. But in this role-play Mom is powerful. This isn't about the PO. Mom takes all the blame. With blame comes power. You don't get the power without taking the blame. Mom does a Harry Truman. The bucks stops here. Note that Mom may have not been able to get the order, however, that is not relevant. Mom does not wish to enable daughter anymore. She refuses to seek the order, preferring that her daughter stays where she is safe and that she "earn" her home passes the regular way. This Mom knows that being in the institution instead of at home is really part and parcel to the treatment that her daughter is receiving.
Will the girl make good on her threat not to have mom visit? Perhaps. Even so, mother can opt to visit or not to visit but her point is well-make. She will not be manipulated into making bad decisions because her daughter is angry and making threats. Period. This mother has made a statement that goes to the core of the daughter having too much power. The reaction of the teen is likely to produce one more thing. If she flips out over this, then Mom has provided "grist" for the "treatment mill." This daughter is blaming Mom and manipulating. This is important information for staff to have. This tells everyone that this young lady has a long way to go towards taking responsibly. No matter how excellent she may be doing inside, her interaction with her mother provides useful information on where she really stands on making changes.
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