Giving Consequences Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I asked some teens for help. Here's what a group of teenagers said about what they hated most about getting consequences.

1. Too much lecture along with the consequences. This was a major theme. These teens weren’t complaining so much about the consequences but about all the stuff they have to listen to when their parent dish out the consequences. The less said at consequence time the better. This is a case where less is more.

Of course, getting yelled at can be a part of the consequences, and sometimes it constitutes all of the consequences. However, when you yell at your teen it often has a counterproductive effect. Just say it and move on is the better course of action. "Getting yelled at" is not a good consequence because it causes resentments and anger. "Why is Billy so angry?" Maybe we don't have to look to far to see that answer.

2. They don't listen to me. The teens felt that parents make very little effort to hear what they are saying.

Some parents might be afraid that if they let their teen know that they "hear" what the teen is saying that it is the same as agreeing. It is not. Quite often the teen is saying that life is unfair, or that the parents are being unfair. But parents want to show that they are being fair. And Parents want to convince Billy that they are fair. They want Billy to admit that they are fair. Consequently, parents tend to be defensive about that whole "fair thing."

In reality, a teenager can accept the consequences much easier if he feels that the parents have listened. Also, the parent is free to apply the same consequences whether or not they have attempted an active listening response. Active listening responses are not necessarily agreeing that the teen is "right." Except that parents are agreeing that the teen feels that way. The parents are also agreeing that their teenagers has good reasons to feel the way he feels. Don't forget that everyone has good reasons to feel the way that they feel- or at least they appear to be good reasons at the time that the feelings are generated.

Active Listening can be the glue that keeps relationships going though these difficult times. It is often a way to get your teenager to do better at accepting the consequences. But it isn't just a way to get your teen to do better at accepting the consequences. More than that, it's a great way to improve your relationship with your teenager.

More in my next post about Active Listening skills. I will break it down. You feel ___ because ___ is the formula. In the next post we will look at ways to creatively say that.