We are All a Work in Progress Posted by:Jenn--Saturday, June 22, 2013

Relapse at the Rubble Home – written by Betty

 

Tuesday evening I went to play BINGO with a fellow PSST mom who has been working hard at getting me out for some fun.  I am also trying to follow the advice of Barney and Pebbles to "get a life", other than focusing on Pebbles and her recovery.  As you may know, Pebbles returned home recently from 10 months spent in either Shuman, residential treatment centers, drug rehabs, or a few weeks here and there of psychiatric hospitals.  It has been a year of some major accomplishments and setbacks, to say the least. 

 

As I entered the front door with no BINGO winnings, as usual, but feeling refreshed after spending a relaxing evening with my friend, Pebbles was at the top of the steps looking down with half-closed eyes.  My first thought was, she looks high.  She asked me how my evening was, and I asked her how her NA meeting was.  She sounded funny to me and I asked her what was the matter.  She claimed she was really tired, and I knew she did not sleep well the last two nights, so I told her to go right to sleep, because “if I didn't know better, I would have thought you were high on something.” 

I went into the kitchen to talk to Barney and asked him if he noticed anything suspicious about Pebbles.  He said he picked her up from the NA meeting and she had her 9 month key tag, which she offered to him. She said she was so proud of herself and he was too.  All seemed fine.  But now, a little more than an hour later, all did not seem fine.  As we were discussing this, Pebbles came down to the dining room to get a CD off the table to take back to her room to listen to, and she was not walking steady.  I asked her to walk into the kitchen, and we knew as she concentrated hard on walking steady, and from the look on her face, that she had taken something on her 9 month clean anniversary.  I told her, you have taken something.  She denied it, and I repeated – you have taken something, what is it, how much, and are you safe?  She started to cry and admitted she had taken some cough medicine she bought while she was out looking for a job the day before.  My heart sank – Pebbles had relapsed.

 

My first response was anger.  My voice raised and I started to respond, “You told me to go have fun, go out and get a life, and this is what I come home to???”  I stopped myself in mid-sentence. I was emotionally relapsing and falling back into habits I was recovering from, just as Pebbles was relapsing into her drug habit.  I didn't want to react the same as I have in the past.  Pebbles was already crying hard and saying, “I relapsed and I just sabotaged my 9 months clean time.  I hate myself and I already regret it.”  She didn't need me to make her feel any worse than she already did.  PSST kicked in and I told her, “Don’t beat yourself up, relapse is part of recovery.  As long as you are safe, that's all that matters”. 

 

In the past, Pebbles has gotten so upset for letting herself and us down, that she has coped with such disappointments with self-mutilating tactics that I did not want to encourage.  I said “Let's go to bed and we can discuss this in the morning when you are more clear-headed.”  I felt comfortable saying this because she did not take such a large amount of cough medicine to show signs of overdose.  As a precaution, we went through her room and personal belongings to make sure there wasn't any more medicine on her.  I slept in her room to keep an eye on her as well. 

 

She said, “Mom, please forgive me”.  I told her I already have.  That is not the old me.  Honestly, I was devastated, angry, heartbroken, and disappointed, but I was trying to work my own program and not emotionally relapse along with Pebbles.  It would not help her, and instead would only make her feel more upset. I have learned from past regrets that it would only make a bad situation bone-crushingly worse.  We all needed to rest and prepare for the next step.  Barney left for work, and eventually Pebbles and I fell asleep.  

 

The next morning, Pebbles got up when she heard Barney return from work, and they talked about what the options were.  Pebbles suggested we all keep this to ourselves and not share it with her P.O. or counselor, Rachael, and she would just quit using drugs on her own.  Barney told her we couldn't keep secrets from them.  He knew her use would not stop, but instead would only escalate and could be life-threatening.  We had to inform them.  She cried – no, she sobbed – which is what woke me up.  I joined them and was grateful I actually was able to miss out on the beginning of their conversation.  She asked if she could start calling rehabs and try to get herself admitted to one prior to calling her P.O. and Rachael.  We agreed. 

 

Barney went to get some sleep while Pebbles figured out the next step.  I, by now, was wishing I had a cigarette to smoke.  I wanted to relapse back to smoking under the stress of the situation.  I don't know what the drug addict goes through fighting the desire to use drugs, but I do know how difficult it is not to revert back to smoking.  Just how hard it is to simply "not pick up".  I hate it, I can't breathe, it stinks, it could kill me – but I want it.  I sat with my father as he took his last struggling, dying breath from emphysema and I wanted a cigarette. I hate to admit this to all of you.  I am ashamed I ever started smoking (peer pressure to fit in as a teen).  How can I persecute Pebbles for relapsing?  As hard as I am struggling right now, I can't imagine how she copes with the struggle of drug/alcohol addiction. 

 

Pebbles was able to find a rehab, inform her P.O., get his permission to go, and call Rachael and Kathy.  She was on her way by 5:00 p.m.  Barney and I came home to an empty house, without Pebbles, and I just sat down and cried.  I sent out a text to my fellow Nar Anon members who, as the kids say, "blew up" my cell phone responding with support.  There were a number of fellow members who drove out of their way to attend our local Nar Anon on Thursday meeting to give me a hug, bringing donuts and frozen coffee from Dunkin Donuts (because we ladies grieve together eating sugary food).  Nar Anon is another support group I lean on, along with PSST.  I need as much support as I can get to cope with Pebbles’ and Dina's addiction and my addiction to them.  I've learned so much to help myself, as well as to understand this disease, from both of my support programs.  

 

Today as I was straightening up the house, I noticed the CD that Pebbles came down to get that evening she relapsed.  It was a CD she bought while out with Barney last week.  When she came home, she called me to the kitchen, put it in the CD player and said, "Mom, I bought this because there is a song on it I want to dedicate to you”.  She played it and sang along as we danced to it, just 4 days before she relapsed.  The song is Hey Mama by Kanye West, and you can listen to it at this You Tube link:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIZgJ4qYNvo

 

Pebbles has made so much progress.  Even though she has had a setback, we talked on the way to rehab about all the progress she has made.  Through reading the PSST blog, attending PSST meetings, and counseling with Wesley Spectrum and Nar Anon, I  have learned to focus on the positives, and on our growth and blessings, rather than dwelling on all the negatives and setbacks.  We are all a work in progress at the Rubble Home.  

 

My daughter has such a loving heart.  Thank you for helping me to focus on that, and not on her relapse.

 

Betty