Trouble in Bedrock: Wilma's Story Posted by:Brigitte--Thursday, June 13, 2013

Jessica and Manny’s Mom, 

Thank you for your posts. Unlike you we did not have to kick Bam Bam out but didn’t let him move back after 11 months in placements. He is currently in his 2nd ¾ house since April. After paying his rent at house #1 at the beginning of May he decided to move to house #2. There was a lot of drama surrounding this and I think the main reason he wanted to move was that a good friend of his from ½ house was moving to house #2. He got rent assistance that paid half of the rent and he paid the rest for May. 

“When they are doing well we are happy but fear that it won’t last. It’s all as it should be for what parent wouldn’t feel those emotions?” This comment from Lloyd really struck a chord with me. Bam is clean and sober for over a year for which I am happy. When I think of last year when his drinking in conjunction with taking prescription medications and illegal drugs could have killed him, I am so glad that we did everything we did to get him help despite the fact that he didn’t feel he needed it or wanted it. 

So here we are today. We have been on the Phantom’s Revenge now for two months. After moving into house #2 Bam quit a full-time, benefited real job that he got injured at within his first week of working. Several people, including Fred, didn’t think he would last at this place. I, however, hoped that the fact he was making more money than he did in fast food, could walk to work and was working with a guy from house #1 would be enough for him-he could pay his rent, maybe save some money if he wanted to get his own apartment, learn to drive and buy a car, go to school and still have enough to support his cigarette habit and social activities--anything. He decided he would rather work with his cousin at seasonal job that pays less money with no benefits. Although I’ve heard it’s a fun place to work. 

I am sick to my stomach everyday when I wake up and cry almost everyday while I’m driving to work. If I didn’t have some obligations I probably wouldn’t get out of bed most days. My cell phone is almost always on do not disturb with the ringer off (i can still see missed calls and texts but don’t have to hear it) and last night after returning home from my nephew’s graduation party (our 3rd family graduation in 3 weeks and yes Bam has attended every one) I turned the ringers off on all of the house phones and disconnected the answering machine. What mother would do that when her only child might have yet another crisis? And that is what it is everyday with Bam. Last Saturday night after family graduation #2 Bam called at MIDNIGHT, waking us up, because he was going to get kicked out of house #2 because he couldn’t pay his rent. What? didn’t you just get paid YESTERDAY (last check from former employer) and didn’t I give you almost ½ of the rent for your birthday present? Ever since he left the ½ way house he would ask if we could pay towards his rent for his birthday and I always said no because it wasn’t his birthday!

Well, on Friday he turned 19 and since this is what he wanted as his gift I said yes this time. So last Saturday night (well I guess it was really Sunday morning) he told me that he had spent $150 (RENT MONEY) on i-tunes gift cards because he deserved it since it was his birthday present to himself so could we help him out with his rent until Monday when he would be getting his first check from his new employer. I lost it. Why would he do that? Didn’t he assure me just the day before all was taken care of? So for the next two hours it was badgering through phone calls and me telling him I wanted to talk the house manager NOW. Well, MANAGER was at the midnight meeting so I told Bam I didn’t care I wanted to talk to him when he got back. That never happened. So by 2:00 a.m. he was tired, said he was going to return the gift cards and why didn’t I get some sleep. Are you kidding me? And he said he couldn’t return the gift cards although I am 99% sure he had redeemed them already and so another lie. 

Later that day after almost no sleep I came home from work (yes on Sunday) Bam starts texting me that I HAD to take him to the doctor because he had pink eye. He works near an urgent care I told him to walk there or go the minute clinic near where he lives. WHAT, how could I suggest he take care of this himself and expect him to WALK? Well, it turned out he was sent home from work so wasn’t near the urgent care which was closed anyway. I told him put warm compresses on his eye and have it taken care of the next day as he was off of work Monday. I even consulted with my pharmacist friend for some expert advice on what to do or not do with the eye! after all, it’s not life threatening, we’ve been through his before although it’s been awhile. Well, he texted that I just didn’t care about him or ever help him, etc, etc. A symptom of bad mother syndrome I guess. Then on Monday he starts calling our house that he needs $10 to pay back a friend of his who lives in house #1 who loaned him money to pay his rent and he was a little short so if WE didn’t pay the kid the $10 then Bam would have to ask for it back from the house manager and then he would get kicked out. He would just get a ride out here for the $10. We said NO. He continued to call, texted me that he was packing his stuff NOW, he was leaving. I frantically called his P.O., since Bam said he talked to him about all of this. I then called the house manager who told me Bam was paid up until July 1st and he wasn’t at the house. It went on for several hours and I was exhausted. Fred and I both turned off our cell phones and wouldn’t answer the landline. Wednesday rolls around and we have a family meeting with the pros. Bam declares he doesn’t need our help and is going to be more independent, get his own ride for the party. Wow, good for you Bam. It didn’t last 24 hours. The next day it rained all day so work called him off. Then Fred took him and another recently released buddy from the ½ way house grocery shopping-how is this not helping him? Oh wait, that is Fred helping, I guess the fact that I work and pay for it isn’t helping him. For the record we did agree to help him out with groceries and Fred (he is retired) goes to Aldi’s, gets stuff on sale-and he usually doesn’t have Bam with him. He doesn’t get to just fill up a cart and we pay the tab. Is this helping too much?? 

Yesterday Bam called off work I think because he wanted off since it was his cousin’s grad party. Although he told Fred he lost his bus pass, then he said someone stole his bus pass, I think he didn’t want to take the bus. So I don’t know if he still has a job today. He had lied to us earlier in the week saying he was off but I knew from my sister he was scheduled to work and had switched with someone so he could work early and be off before the 6:00 party. So Fred picks him up and brings him to our house where, according to Fred, Bam slept all day. I wasn’t home for this. Anyway, at the party Bam lies to me about going out to the parking lot as his friend from house #2 is picking up and wanted to say hello. What he really wanted was to ask me if he had gotten any birthday cards (hopefully stuffed with money) because if he didn’t pay his phone bill by today it would be turned off. 

This is just some of what’s happened over the past week but is representative of what has been going on for two months. Bam thrives on creating chaos, he lies so much I don’t believe what he says (then he gets mad at me for not believing him!) he does not budget and is irresponsible with his money and then he tries to make his irresponsibility my responsibility. I have told him I am NOT RESPONSIBLE for his lack of responsibility. When he hasn’t gotten his way he has thrown out the “I’ll just have to use” comment I guess to try and guilt me into giving him what he wants. Instead of pleading with him and trying to reason with him I tell him he has to do what he has to do-It’s his decision. Last month in a doctor’s office he told me that since he was clean I should give him a laptop for his birthday, he’s entitled to that. When I told him my NO ELECTRONICS for gifts still stands he said that was F’D so why did he bother working so hard to stay clean? I will give him credit that he has worked hard, he goes to meetings and seems to be committed to sobriety. He looks good and that is not just from me- a lot of people he hasn’t seen these last few years have been telling me at the grad parties that he looks good and he has been pleasant with them and truly seems to be glad to be part of the extended family again. This past week he said he thinks his judge will let him off of probation in July although his next hearing isn’t until October. If he does that billboard he probably has a shot!! (You have to read his essay in Juvenile Court to get this!). I’ve been wondering if he is doing what he needs to do to satisfy probation and once he’s off he can go back to his old life. I hope not. I really worry that if he is desperate for cash he will start selling drugs again to supplement his income. I know that he has had contact with at least one of his friend drug dealers recently. 

I’ve been told that we have to stop helping him so much and I think I tend to the extreme of NOT helping and Fred is the other extreme. And I can’t control Fred. A good friend of mine even said Fred would do what he is doing for Bam for anybody which is true. And so far we are both on the same page of not allowing Bam to move back home, at least not right now. We have all this chaos and tension and he doesn’t even live here! I have also had close friends and family who also feel that would be a mistake. However, I do think in the next few weeks we will be facing another rent crisis and then what? Thanks for letting me vent! 

Wilma