Clean rebel Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, June 09, 2013

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One of the tasks of adolescence is to move towards independence from family. It's part of growing up. Once teenagers get involved with drugs a couple things happen to complicate this natural age appropriate task.

First of all, in most families where teens have become drug abusers, becoming involved with drugs is THE WAY to rebel against family values. Once the drug abuse happens the teenager feels as though he has succeeded in becoming independent. In other words he has struck a blow for independence because he has adopted values that are strikingly different from his parents. In other families the teen might decide to become Conservative if his parents are Liberal, or perhaps join the Catholic church if his parents are protestant. Perhaps if his parents don't bother recycling the teenager might adopt a radical protect-the-environment group. If higher education is an important family value a teen might opt to drop out of school. Of course, many times becoming the "rebel" isn't that obvious or perhaps sometimes teens don't really get the rebel thing going all that much, or at least it doesn't appear so to the outside observer.



Now let's consider the teenager who adopts a lifestyle of drugs and/ or crime to his rebel's stance; however, he get's in trouble and ends up in Juvenile Court or in drug rehab. Now, he has become less "independent" and more "dependent" on his family and now on the system that begins to intervene in his life. Especially, with Probation involved, the teenager can soon feel as though he is being treated like he is 12 years old and, indeed, we hear a lot of screaming from teens at this point saying, "But I'm [insert age] years old! You can't treat me like I'm 12!" Of course we can and we do treat the teenager like he is 12 because suddenly we have a window of opportunity to keep the teenager safe from harm, and really with the fatal nature of this drug addiction we are struggling to keep these teens alive.

At this point we have a frustrated teenager. If he submits to the plan and to the expert recommendations then he is no longer striving for independence but he has surrendered all independence. We point out that down the road he will be calling some of his own shots but not now: now he needs to recover.

At this point with the striving for independence thing sort of put on hold another interesting thing happens. The parent now discovers that with the help of the rehab and/ or with the help of the Court they now have a bit of power. Wow! We are talking contracts and using such techniques as "nevertheless" and "regardless" to avoid arguing. We attend meetings and become educated about what exactly constitutes a good recovery from addictions and even more important we buy into the "non-enabling" approach to supervising our teenagers. All is good. But there is something that can go very wrong at this point.

As the pendulum swings the other way it is only natural that we parents try to micro manage. We sort of have to don't we? We are talking about helping the teenager choose his friends because we know that if he chooses to hang out with the same people that he got high with then there is a 99.999999 percent chance that he too will get high. So, how is the teenager going to get back on this Independence thing?

At this point let's divide our teenagers into two arbitrary groupings. The first group we have the teens who are clearly not trying to recover. They want to be treated like adults and yet they continue to make decisions that put them in danger. For these kids the drive for independence is still all about finding a way back to using drugs. We must prioritize our parenting and remaining aware of how we might still be enabling our teens is still the most important thing. When these teens accuse us of "micro managing" we need to agree that we are and state calmly that we will continue to do what we need to do to keep them safe. Even for these teens, once we know that they are safe, for example if they are in a halfway house, then we need to back off on the issues that are not so much about safety.

Let's call the second group of teens those that either have adopted a strong commitment to stay clean or at least are considering a commitment to stay clean. For these teens it suddenly becomes really important that we allow or help them to find a way to rebel. For these teens their whole way of striking out for independence was that they thought using drugs was the way to be different from family. Now they need a new way.

Another way to see this is to realize that teens must make some mistakes. They have to learn by making mistakes. We want to keep them out of danger but we don't want to protect them from all chances to learn by making mistakes. And where possible we want to encourage the whole rebel thing. Keep in mind that for teens risk taking is an important part of becoming independent. Teenager brains seem to be designed to accept risk taking as an activity.

We had a good example of this phenomenon at our meeting in Wexford yesterday. A mother in group described situation where her and her husband who happens to work in law enforcement cautioned if not outright forbid their daughter who is recently returned home from rehab not to get involved with some people who are in recovery and who have a crisis that involves the police. The daughter got involved anyway and while she was still clean she became an embarrassment to her parents especially because her father is in law enforcement. She claimed that these people who are in recovery (but who may not be clean any longer) needed her help. She took a risk by going to help them. She became a rebel because it was forbidden by her parents. She stood for something. She took a stand. She remains clean and apparently committed to recovery, at least for today. She tells her parents not to try to work her recovery for her. She may discover that trying to hard to help others is not good for her recovery at all. But it might just be the thing she has to learn herself.

Mom: You know we asked you not to go over there to help those people with their problems.

Teen: I had to. THEY NEEDED me. I can't turn my back on my peers like that.

Mom: You know that was embarrassing for your father.

Teen: Don't work my program for me.

Mom: Look, just listen a second. OK?

Teen: Yeah go ahead.

Mom: We wish you wouldn't throw us under the bus like that. We wish you could appreciate that we have been through a lot with your addiction and try to show some respect and gratitude for what we have done. Still, I see that you want to help others. I know you are a good person, a loyal person, and I know that you can be a great friend. I love that about you. We are proud of you. Very proud of you. Maybe we need to start giving you a little more room. This is your life honey. You are trying to be clean and you know, it's hard sometimes for us to realize that you have to find your own way. We can handle the embarrassment. And in fact the hell with what other people think if you are clean and working a program of recovery then we will stand behind you. OK?

Teen: I didn't expect to hear all that.

Mom: Well, it's nice to know we can still surprise you.

Teen: I'm sorry I make it look bad for daddy but mom I just had to do my part.

Mom: I know. We love you. Let us know if we can to anything to help- OK?

Another parents in group during closing comments shared that "the bond between people in recovery can be incredibly strong. We went to a meeting to see our son pick up a clean tag and celebrate an anniversary and we witnessed people reaching out to him and my first thought was, 'wait a minute- how long have you known this person?' but we are learning that when it comes to meetings and recovery, and out son goes to a lot of meetings, the bond that they form is really strong."

If not for these bonds our teenager might not be able to stay clean.

Our teens in recovery have a huge job. Work a program of recovery, become independent, take risks, discover who you are that must be quite different from who your parents were, at the end of the day don't pick up a drug. Suddenly, our teens aren't just dysfunctional people trying to get better and trying to be more normal, they are heroes who amid much risk and turmoil find a way to not only help themselves but find a way to help others. They discover who they are by being brave.