Jessica, OMG, I can't believe I just read your post (Worst Mother Ever Syndrome).
I too just did what you have done. I am sitting here at 3 am in the morning struggling to sleep over our decision. It has been one full week since we made and implemented our decision. Sadly, it has also been very difficult for my three other children, one who has recently moved 900 miles away to college to "get away from the addict", and another who has joined the military "hoping he can too move out and get away from my main focus". Unfortunately his 12 year old sister (who idolizes our son) can't go anywhere, and for a week was pretty angry with me because "Manny" our addict is the only one she relates with. SCARY!!!
I actually bought a book today called DONT LET YOUR KIDS KILL YOU by Charles Rubin. It tells of his struggle with two boys who were on drugs. I started reading it this evening and really haven't been able to put it down.
I know mother to mother that I have contemplated the same thing you have with laundry etc. But I ended up in December, when Manny was missing (one of his many, for 4 months), having what my mother calls my mid-life crisis and got a Tattoo - yes I said Tattoo - on my wrist that says SURRENDER. It has gotten me through a lot of moments when I was weak. I needed to surrender Manny after 4 1/2 years of all the same luxury hotels, not to mention Shuman/Auberle which Manny scoffs at, to his own life and accountability. I too have had people in our neighborhood be amazed at what an awesome mother I am. Never giving up on him, they surely couldn't do what I have and especially for this long.
When I came to the first PSST meeting there was a woman sitting in the corner. She made one statement directed at me, and let me say it really made me ANGRY. Her exact words were "The sooner you realize that the relationship you so desperately want with your son right now is not going to happen or may never happen, the sooner you can start healing yourself". I thought, how dare you! You don't even know me. My relationship with Manny was everything to me - he's my son, my baby, my life. Funny how a year and half later that one statement is still so fresh in my mind. Now and only NOW do I understand what she meant.
I have figured out just today that I did not turn my back on Manny, I still love him with all my heart and soul. I am turning my back on Manny's Addiction. The pain is still there everyday. I miss him so much and still worry for a phone call that I may not want to get. But in the end, whether good or bad, I KNOW that my husband and I, including my other children, have done EVERYTHING we could possibly have done to try to help. Just like Dr. Phil always says, "And how's that working for ya?" Easy, it's NOT.
Manny has tried to call me a few times this past week, from his 27 year old Stripper/Escort/Heroin Addict/Multiple Personality Disorder/Hepititis C carrying Girlfriend's house. You know - everyone's dream future daughter-in-law. Which funny, but not, he told us that he's in love with her and he needed $40 bucks to pay off a ring he bought her in Kmart because he wants to marry her. Sadly Manny just turned 19, so guess what, he CAN! My 25 year old son laughed and said "Yeah, every kiss begins with K - KMart!" Anyway, enough with that scary humor.
Manny needs his clothes and Xbox. My husband Sonny told him finally NO. I say finally because his dad was starting to get soft on me and was thinking he probably needs his clothes for a job interview, etc. and the Xbox might allow him to give the girlfriend's mom some money. Oh, by the way, the girlfriend's mom said that he can live there if pays rent. Nice, it always seems like Manny finds a place to land.
Manny won't talk to me either, just like Herman won't talk to you. Of course I have made his life harder, I have given him a horrible childhood and I should look up the definition of Mother in the dictionary and study it. My response to that text was (after balling my eyes out), "Funny how after all this time you still blame me. Well, at least I get a clear picture of where you are in recovery."
Anyway Jessica, I just wanted to say I am with you. I have walked in your shoes and am still walking in your shoes. I have SURRENDERED Manny but now Manny has to SURRENDER. I have to trust myself as I struggle now with my decision. I have to save and rebuild the rest of my family. Especially myself.
One other thing that I heard from my Pastor that I repeat quite a bit, especially to Manny, which naturally he loved. Change only happens when the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of change. Funny, I used to write that to Manny in all the placements and whisper it in his ear when we would leave him. I guess now I have to apply it myself. Thank you, and I pray for strength for you and your family.
Cher
4 comments:
MM,
Your story is very similar to many others at PSST right now, and just as heartbreaking. Yes, you have surrendered. You have also found the strength you need to protect yourself and your family from Manny's devastating choices. Even though it may feel like it at times, you are not alone. All of us at PSST are with you and are here to offer whatever we can to help you through this dark time.
Brigitte
Cher,
Thanks for sharing the comment that another PSST mom made to you, because it really hit home for me too: "The sooner you realize that the relationship you so desperately want with your son right now is not going to happen or may never happen, the sooner you can start healing yourself".
I know that what I want is not realistic - I want to roll back the hands of time & have a do-over. I want to attend my son's high school soccer games, send him off to the prom, take him on vacation & to family weddings with us . . . I want to be making all those beautiful new memories that will last a lifetime, and it really hurts to know that those things won't happen. (Unless of course there's one of those parallel-universes & I can go live there.) Instead, many of the memories of these past 3 years are ones that I'd rather forget.
That PSST mom was right. Healing ourselves requires being realistic. We don't get a do-over; we can only move forward. We can't afford to lose ourselves in the could-have-beens & should-have-beens. But it doesn't mean that we can't still be hopeful for the future.
In spite of the pain you are so obviously feeling, your strength shines through in your posting – both in the depth of the love for your son, as well as your commitment to setting boundaries with him. As another PSST parent has said so many times, sometimes we have to “let GO & let GOD”, and it sounds like that’s exactly what you are doing.
Jenn
Cher,
Thank you for sharing your story. It was with very mixed emotions that I decided to write this post. I did not want the other parents to lose hope, or that I was suggesting that severing ties with your child as a viable option, for clearly it is not. It is the ultimate last choice. My hope is that no one is placed in our position, but if they are, will feel that they are not alone. Your posting helped me very much.
Jessica
Cher,
I also want to thank you for sharing your story and the other PSST parent's comment. Like Jenn, I would like to "turn back time" where in the last three years Bam Bam would have learned to drive, saved up for a car, continued to play on the tennis team where he was doing great freshmen year, enjoyed his senior year (the one he SAID he wanted) with his high school sports teams going to states in three sports, prom, working in a real job for spending money (as opposed to selling drugs), graduating from his home high school and celebrating that life acheivement and would have just finished his first year of college PASSING all of his classes and coming home for a summer of pool parties, family events and fun (of course without drugs and alcohol). And maybe we would have enjoyed each other's company a little! I know life wouldn't be perfect but it wouldn't have been #@!!.
These past couple weeks Bam has had 4 cousins graduate from high school (and some friends, too)and we've been to 3 of the family parties so far. I have had a hard time-I am truly happy for my nephews and cousins and have enjoyed celebrating this acheivement in their lives however I am so sad that we missed this. I think I missed it more than Bam.
He did graduate from ABC in October with a diploma and when he moved to 1/2 way house he asked if we were having a party for him and when we said "no" he said that's the only reason he got the dipoloma-for the party and of course the gifts that come with it!I was sad it wasn't for the accomplishment but again he is a teenager.
In a recent conversation with his former therapist at 1/2 house she said Bam is acting like he's 9, not 19, and that there are NO do-overs. He has to step up to the plate.
Maybe he wants to go back in time. I sometimes feel he thinks he should be having summer vacation since he was discharged from the 1/2 way house. He worked hard for 11 months, is clean and sober and , I feel, wants to be rewarded by being allowed to come back home, sleep in his cushy bed, quit working and have that summer vacation.
I remember you sharing your SURRENDER tattoo at a meeting and I am impressed with your strength and determination .
Thank you again,
Wilma
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