Letting Go - written by June Cleaver on 10/27/12 Posted by:Jenn--Sunday, November 25, 2012

Today is an anniversary  .......    and my birthday. Today is one year that the "Beav" moved out. And to have an all out pity party, my mother also died 15 years ago today. (Personally I think that her departure on my birthday was her last "dig", but I will have to wait to find that out for sure.)

This is about the Beaver, though. A year ago I was supposed to embrace the words "I threw my son out of the house". It's now a year later, and I have used various phrasings over the past 12 months. "He's living with his dad", "I asked him to move in with his father", "he's living in Charleroi now".......... and yes sometimes "I threw my son out of the house". The words and I are not BFF's. I still feel my throat tighten when I get to the end of the sentence. Perhaps I should use it as an acronym ITMSOOTH. Indeed it does roll off my tongue much smoother.

 

But would I do it all over again? In a heartbeat. I can honestly say I have approximately 85% sanity most of the time. The other 15% is lost due to life in general, and the phone calls from the Beaver. You see, just to refresh your memory, his father is a functioning alcoholic and was the person whom Beaver stole the reefer from when the big time troubles began. The thought that this is where he is living grabs with hooks into my intestines.

Beaver is basically on his own because his dad works and then stops at the "Legion" on his way home. His dad does not require that he work; in the home or outside. His rules are made to be broken, and Beaver does his best to keep up the standards. Beaver has chosen not to go to any more meetings--doesn't need them, you know? When I asked, he told me that he had relapsed at the end of last year when his love life took a nose dive. According to him it was just for a couple of months until they got back together. Now, according to Facebook, they're engaged. Isn't that grand? She's a sophomore and the Beav is 19. Three and a half years difference--I did the math too.

So why am I posting? Hopefully for those of you that need the final shove to let go; just do it. The world doesn't stop spinning, your life goes on. I don't think you ever put your guard totally down, but that is good. And you don't ever stop loving your child. You will still hate [yes, I mean hate] the things they do and want to try to 'fix it'. But you can't. They're addicts. And that is their personality.

Somewhere underneath their brave front, mouths that say whatever is in their brain at the time, and the smell of defiance pouring off them---they are still your child that you tucked in at night and promised to protect from all the evils of the world. When their world [and them] became the evil that you were supposed to protect them from, our heels dug in and the fight began.

Don't give up the fight. Just choose the one you want to win. Being in the background of Beaver's life hasn't been easy, nor a smooth ride. BUT....I do have the tools to have a meaningful conversation when we are together. Why----because of PSST and the cast of extras. AND.....when we do get together I've learned the body language that works best to obtain information or give advice. Again-----because of everyone involved with PSST.

I miss the meetings and will hopefully be coming to one soon. Sometimes a hug and a kleenex goes a long way.

Blessings and love to all,
"June Cleaver"