WHAT I HAVE LEARNED AT PSST Posted by:Rocco--Thursday, December 15, 2011

WHAT I HAVE LEARNED AT PSST

Our good friend and PSST Mentor Ken wrote a post in January 2007. He summarized what families of addicts felt as "What I Wish I Would Have Known...".

WISHES

Ken, I hope that you don't mind but I am taking the liberty to re-post it as:

"What I Have Learned at PSST"

I have learned that...

...I wasn’t alone through all of this and there is a good support system out here. When I reached out and had a chance to talk with others I realized I wasn’t going crazy.

...taking care of myself is just as important as helping my addicted child recover. I had to get better so the cycle of enabling could be broken.

...Addiction occurs in any type of family. It is not just something that happens in dysfunctional families. That being a role model or even a great parent role model is not enough to stop the disease of addiction.

...the longer I wait to get help for my child to begin their recovery process the better the odds that my child will be hurt, hurt someone else, get arrested or die.

...this disease has a huge impact on the entire family; it is very important to make sure that everyone gets the help they need as soon as possible.

...it is extremely important to see that everyone involved in a child’s recovery (all parents, family members, counselors, probation officers, school officials and others) are on the same page and updated at all times. Never agree to keep secrets, not even little ones.

...there is a strong spiritual component to recovery from this disease; church can be a significant resource for me, my spouse or partner, my child and my family. Our recovery comes from faith in a Higher Power.

...I need to “Let go and Let God” as soon as I am able (the sooner the better). I cannot want someone's recovery more than they do. Recovering from the impact of addiction in the family is a process that takes time and is different for each person.

...my addicted child will go toterrible lengths (lying, manipulating, stealing, violence, threats, running away and much worse) to obtain drugs. Valuables need to be removed from my child’s grasp before the family heirlooms end up in the pawnshop never to be seen again.

...there is a difference between encouraging my child and enabling my child. Enabling can result in spending hundred or thousands of dollars on drugs and replacing/repairing items over the years. I understand now that I must NEVER pay my child's fines or restitution. Even as a minor it is their personal responsibility to either pay off the their court costs or to work them off with community service.

...I enabled my child to use drugs when I lied for him, made excuses, paid his fines and protected him from other consequences. Codependency allows your heart to rule your decisions instead of your brain. You are not helping your child by protecting him from the consequences of his actions no matter what your heart tells you.

... I actual learned how to feel good about my child being in jail or placement because he was safe, warm, fed and not using drugs. If he is out on the streets or at a "friend's" house I don't know what he is getting.

...I FINALLY learned to listen to that little whisper from my heart that told me my child was using drugs. Do not dispose of, or destroy, drugs or drug paraphernalia that you find. Bag it, label it, date it and put it in a safe place where your child cannot get to it. Save it to use as evidence to get your child into the system A.S.A.P.

...I need to watch for the standard warning signs: dropping grades, withdrawal from sports and school activities, disappearance of old friends (the “good kids”), new friends who have first names only, no parental contact, missing items (i.e. DVD players, video games, cameras, jewelery) increased secret activities, not being where they told you they were, sneaking out...etc...and act on them.

...I need to step up and be the parent, not my child's BFF. He will hate me for a time, and will let me know it in many ways, and that is okay. I will do whatever it takes to keep him alive and clean and I will let him know that in many ways.

…this IS NOT “Just a Phase”, NOT "Just marijuana",NOT "Just alcohol", or NOT "Just an adolescent right of passage.” Understand how to distinguish between normal teenage behavior and drug related behavior.

...I accept that drugs are available in ALL communities and schools (lower, middle and upper class - Drug Dealers are Equal Opportunity Destroyers). Unfortunately most parents, are Ignorant of the drug problem with a capital “I” in our community and schools. We need to educate ourselves about street drugs, their potency and symptoms of use, as well as the potential for the abuse of prescription drugs, over the counter medicines and other chemicals that we have in our homes.

...I need to listen to the clues given by teachers and the school principal. Many people knew or suspected my child’s drug use before it was acknowledged at home.

...drugs are literally everywhere including churches, schools, recovery meetings, rehabilitation centers and places of employment.

...I will not waste my time having long circular arguments with my child. When they tell me that I cannot give them one good reason for my decision(s) I will agree with them. "You're right! I could explain my reasons until I turn blue and you would never get my logic. So I will not waste our time. Thanks so much for pointing that out, you really know me better than I thought."

...even when I tried to make my child safe by “grounding” them that drugs could easily be “delivered” to the house.

...when they will not take a simple "No" for an answer I will use the PSST Ask Me Again Method.

"Can I go out?"

"No, but listen, this is the fourth time that you ask so I know it is really important to you to keep asking, so go ahead and ask me again."

"Huh? Can I go out?

"No, but if you really need to, please, feel free to ask me again."

"Oh, I get it, that's more of that PSST $#%@ again. You guys are like $@#% zombies or something..."

...no matter how much I loved my child, how much I cried, how much I hurt, how much I bribed, how much I punished, I couldn’t make my child stop using drugs.

...I know now and accept that treatment is not a one-shot deal and it is not a cure.

...recovery from addiction is a really long process (sorry to say but it can be years not months) and that after abstaining from drug use it takes an addict a long time for my child to catch up with their peers intellectually and socially even though they want so much to be normal.

...all recovery meetings are not the same and I need to shop around to find the right program for my child. I now realize that I know my child better than anyone else and I have a right and a voice in their recovery process. I am my child's best advocate. I will stand up for them when they are accepting their recovery and do everything I can to get them the help they need when they are using.

...to never gave up on my child. Recovery takes time. “Just for today” are watchwords. What a difference the years make! There is not a good reason to give up hope (discouragement and anger are part of the process - use outside resources to help yourself - do not try to get through this on your own).

...I can challenged the educational professionals at school more. There is a truant officer at some schools to support efforts to keep your child in school but you have to ask. There are alternative education programs and other resources at schools that you are paying for but you have to ask.

...I can Question the doctors and the experts more. Addiction can masquerade as depression. The age of your child is an issue in treatment. Techniques that work well with a 23-year old may not be appropriate for a 13-year old.

...I can Learn about Act 53, a government funded program to involuntarily court order a child into treatment without a criminal record. File for Act 53 A.S.A.P.

...I am not afraid to contact Juvenile Probation authorities and file charges against my child. Getting him into "the system" can give you the support that you need to get him the help that he needs to begin his recovery. Yes he WILL meet other users, drug dealers and thieves but guess what? He already is best friends with other users, drug dealers and thieves - check his cell phone contacts regularly.

...that cell phones are drug paraphernalia and my child does not need a cell phone. My child has access to numerous cell phones anytime he wants to manipulate - er, um, that is - contact me. If for some reason they have to have a cell phone I have the right to read text messages and check contacts on a regular basis and have a right to confiscate the phone at any time (even if they paid for it). I do not allow drug paraphernalia in my home and I will save the text messages and contact numbers as evidence to file charges against my child.

...any access to the internet is to allowed ONLY under my close supervision when I allow it (this includes cell phones, I-Pads and X-Box Live). Your child may need access to the internet for a school project but you have a right to observe them while they are on the internet (They can access drug purchases including K-2, how to beat drug test and how to use other mind altering substances for example).

...I know that drug tests can be manipulated. Go ahead and type it into Google.

...that there are other parents going through exactly what I am going through and they are willing to listen to me, help me and support me at PSST.