Delicious Ambiguity - By Sally
CISCO LEAVES HOME - THE NEXT CHAPTER
On Monday the Fifth of December Rocco and I kept our promise to Cisco.
Cisco has been living at home since October 17th. He is holding down a full time job and seemed to be getting it, however, the weekend preceding that Monday Cisco went to a bonfire and relapsed.
With Rocco's quiet and unfaltering strength we were able to keep our promise....
...We had told Cisco (19 years old) before he re-entered our home from placement that he cannot stay in our house and use drugs or alcohol. After a couple of days of discussion and planning Cisco let us know that he needed his freedom to "do it his way". He could not live under our house rules. So Rocco asked Cisco to pack his bags. Rocco offered Cisco a ride to Resolve, back to his halfway house or 'where ever'. He gave Cisco a medical card, his bus pass and a hug and Cisco was gone.
The interesting and hopeful thing about this is our ability to detach from working Cisco's recovery. I think letting go was easier for me because Rocco handled all the tough stuff. I kept myself busy with other things. Rocco worked from home all that Monday and dealt with Cisco. Luckily, it was a busy time for me at the office and I kept focused. I also had a paper to write for a college course so I immersed myself in that.
This is the first time in five years that I changed my priorities. Cisco's addiction and/or recovery always was number one. In the past, I never was able to focus on a critically informed paper well enough to receive an excellent grade. Now I can.
I am hopeful because I truly know what "Detaching with Love" means. I have spoken to Cisco this week but I am not enabling him. As far as I know he is clean. Cisco has all the tools and contacts that he needs to stay clean; he now needs the desire. The desire not just to stay clean; Cisco needs the desire to work his recovery. There is a significant difference.
I am certain that if Rocco did not ask him to leave.... he would have stayed here and spiraled downward.
It is rather ironic after five years of counseling, placements and therapy that he needs to lose the comfort and safety of his home to stay clean and find his own way on the road to his recovery.
He still has his job and he is living one day at a time.
"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.” Gilda Radner
Delicious Ambiguity - By Sally
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, December 13, 2011
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8 comments:
Sally & Rocco,
I am so sorry to hear that Cisco has relapsed. I am also impressed with your resolve & commitment to following through with the consequences spelled out in the home contract. I only hope that we could be that strong in a similar situation.
Our prayers go out to all of you.
Jenn
I feel certain that you would follow through with the consequences also. We are tough PSST parents and we do what needs to be done.
Thank you for the prayers and please keep them coming our way.
Also remember: God promises a safe landing not a calm passage!
1) Life's ironies: On Saturday Cisco willingly went with us to Mercy Hospital to enter their Detox Program. Being over 18 they did not let Sally and I into the process so we only have Cisco's word on what occurred. According to him, and his discharge papers, they would not accept him (even after he explained his history) into the program and sent him home with a bus ticket and advise to seek help. I love our Health Care System and can't wait to see the bill from our "Health Care Denier" for the Emergency Room visit.
2) The Final Straw that sealed Cisco's departure was his total disrespect for his mom. I told Cisco, in no uncertain terms, that if he was going to live in our home that he must show respect to us. He replied that he could not do that and follow our rules and stay clean.
This is not what I wanted or hoped for. We all want our kids to "Get It" and we felt that we came so close this time. I am not angry at Cisco and at the same time I am not grieving his departure. After five years of this journey I am accepting that "We are exactly where we are meant to be" and that "I cannot work Cisco's recovery for him" and I am praying that Cisco will find whatever it is that he is looking for.
Thanks to everyone at PSST for being there.
'It isn't for the moment you are struck that you need courage, but for the long uphill climb back to sanity and faith and security.'
--Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Anne Morrow Lindbergh spoke directly to me when i read her work many, many years ago. Still today, I find that her thoughts help me to form mine, and help me to firm my resolve.
The two of you have been climbing together, and climbing beside Cisco. You can not do it for him, but you can share your strength with him, and support him without enabling.
As a result of your work you are stronger than you could have ever imagined ... and you are role models for me, and for other PSST parents.
We are here to support you as you continue this long climb. And you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Joan.
Thank YOU.
We are all ascending that treacherous mountain. I am so thankful for your helping hand as we climb.
We gather our strength from YOU and all the other PSST parents and Wesley Spectrum and Juvenile Probation Officers.
Also, our faith is carrying us through every day...
In the words of Joe Walsh
You can feel it in the distance
the deeper down you stare
From up above it's hard to see
but you know when you're there
On the bottom words are shallow
On the surface talk is cheap
You can only judge the distance
by the company you keep
In the eyes of the confessor
Take all the trauma,drama,comments
The guilt and doubt and shame
The what if's and if only's
The shackles and the chains
The violence and aggression
The pettiness and scorn
The jealousy and hatred
The tempest and discord
and give it up....
If only our children could comprehend this...
I am riding this storm out with you..
Violet
Rocco, today at the meeting I realized again that your quiet confidence gives all of us hope. You accept that you can not change Cisco. You and Sally work on changing yourselves.
Of course, at PSST we know that this is the back-door way to also effecting change in Cisco; more than the back-door it is the only door. Still, freedom of choice is what we are dealing with- it's always going to be up to him.
I fear that for Cisco, finding out that he could not manipulate his parents means that he has attempted to cultivate a new prime enabler. Some men make or try to make a career out of finding women to enable them, e.g., the new girlfriend with a crib, and apparently a baby to go with. She is looking for a man and a baby- dad. She will be dissapointed and it would appear that this is not her first dissapointment in a man. Who knows, she may choose to remain his biggest enabler- or not. This is out of your hands.
One thing for sure, she can't replace the love and opportunity that he could find at home. No way.
I find it facinating that he attempts to manipulate you both with the ole guilty guilt. With Rocco, it's the "I'm going to have to go into a shelter Dad, and they say I don't belong with those people." But with Mom it's the SILENT TREATMENT. Cisco believes that giving his Mom the dreaded silent treatment is best way to make her suffer and make her feel guilty.
I'm happy for both of you that you are strong enough not to fall for that. Cisco can be a very powerful manipulator. I think Cisco will come around, but in his time, not ours.
I admire both your strenght and the way that you stand together on this- Cisco can drive no wedge between the two of you and that is the absolute best that you can do for him right now- and the best that you can do for yoursleves at the same time.
Rocco and Sally---At first when I read this latest development with Cisco-I was sad for all of you...Nevertheless-things do happen for a reason and this too could be another step in his (and yours), recovery. Hang in there and be strong-lean on each other for support and keep the faith-you never know how things may turn out! Wishing you and all the wonderful PSST family Happy Safe Holidays! Debby
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