This came up at last week's meeting. I remember talking about this years ago in PSST and referring to the Article by Lori, The Eight Things I Wish I Knew. This part about anger is only part of the article. Click on the above link if you wish to read the whole article.
Hold onto some of the anger because sometimes you will still need it.
One trick that I have in getting control of noise in my mind, setting aside my fears and getting control of my emotions so that I can “think straight” is what I call, Hanging onto the Anger.
I do not mean that we strike out in anger, but use it in a constructive manner in order to provide strength to do what you must do.
Nothing can bring us greater joy than our kids can. There is truly nothing better in life. In fact, I think life would be very shallow without the joy that our children have given us.
However, at the other end of the spectrum, no one can get you angrier than your children can. Your spouse may run close second, but your kids are the winners in the anger category.
The drug addicted behaviors, the extreme defiance, the lies, the stealing and the chaos.
And the moments of extreme anger.
Why - Won’t - He - Stop! Why does he continue to rip us apart? I don’t even recognize him anymore. What is happening to him? What is so very, very wrong here!?
Well, now we now know the answers to all those questions.
Our teenager is not the typical teenager who is just spreading their wings.
Our teenager is not the adventurous teenager who may be taking more risks than you would like him to take.
Our teenager is not going through some “drug experimenting” phase and all will be okay when it is over.
Our teenager is not one of many others that we know who did just that – And they were just fine!!
Our teenager is a Drug Addict.
Our teenager needs help.
Our teenager needs treatment.
Our teenager needs long-term treatment.
You are a critical part to your child’s survival of their Addiction.
So, hang onto that anger and remember it when you need the strength for that little extra push.
3 comments:
Good article. I also have to keep reminding myself that my kid is an addict and therefore needs all the things you listed....yes, even long term treatment.
It saddens me if I let it. Who would want or wish for their child to spend their last three birthdays in rehab? No one would. However, I am content that he did. He even realizes that treatment is good for him. He is seeing positive changes in his ways. (He was not in rehab for three years straight but always manages to be in on his birthday!)
I don't like to hold on to anger but I see that it can be held on to for positive reasons and that is good.
Thank you Lloyd and Kathie for the special ways you contributed today to make our son's 19th birthday happy and memorable for Rocco, Cisco and me...even though he spent it in rehab.
It was a pleasure to see all three of you on Cisco's 19th Birthday.
You don't loose everything when you relapse. Cisco spoke at Fatal Awareness two years in a row. He also reached out to a class at Duquense College and spoke at several schools at other times over the years. He has put together his longest clean time in his recovery. He has been kept much safer from the toxic effects of the drugs on his brain.
His accomplishments are like mountains he has climbed. His slip on his last mountain doesn't change the fact that he climbed three other big ones before that fall.
The important thing is how injured is he, can he climb again, and does he want to? All that looks pretty good for him.
Perhaps the biggest good sign in Cisco's recovery, is how much Sally and Rocco have changed. You two have become so much stronger and so much smarter. You are a force that his addiction has to recon with- you are very formidable.
We know we can't control the disease. We know we are powerless to make the addict want to change; however, it becomes almost an interesting paradox, that as we cease our enabling and as we as parents get stronger, there is often a correlation to our teenagers recovery. The impact of NO ENABLING is powerful and in some ways I think even at PSST we underestimate the power that we have via not enabling.
I need an analogy to convey what i'm thinking. If our teenager is a fish in a small pond, we might have the power to put recovery on a hook and cast our line out into the pond. We don't have the power to make our teenage-fish bite, but he is going to nibble and we can feel that nibbling. When we feel the nibble of course we get hopeful and excited. If, at that point, if we throw down the rod and wade into the water and shout "oh I'm so glad you're starting to come around," then we scare him off and he swims away.
On the other hand, if wait patiently while he nibbles, perhaps longer than we like, until he really bites, then we might be able reel him in. We can still loose him when we reel him in, especially if we pull to hard and break the line; however, if we just slowly reel him in, we can get lucky.
Even if he does get off the hook, if we just go back to waiting patiently, bait the hook as well as we can, and here's an important part- find something interesting to do while we are waiting, then good things can happen. There's issues with this analogy but that's my analogy for today and I'm sticking with it :-).
I think that is a great analogy! Makes perfect sense to me.
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