Grounding the Helicopter Parents! ~ Written By Cheryl
Parents and children are naturally inside of one hula-hoop from beginning to end. An unbroken circle of love, trust, loyalty and honesty.
How do you step out of your son’s hula-hoop, at the advice of career specialists in dual disorders, when normal human parental instinct, from their first prenatal kick says “I will be there for you, unconditionally, in the good times and the bad?”But this is our child, it is our job to raise him, guide him, instill morals, good work ethics and character and, most importantly, love him until our last breath
How do you process the information on your sons recent, multiple, E.R. visits who has been in placement for 12 months?
But we have been there for his broken nose at age 3, first bee sting, first tooth loss, multiple strep infections, broken arm, Western Psychiatric Adolescent Unit admission and annual wellness check-ups. We have recorded every pound our four sons have gained, every inch they grew from birth to 17.
How do you step back and listen to counselors, doctors, placement staff, and probation officers who seem to know your child better than you do?
But this is our sacred space! How did all these people get into our hula-hoop?
How do you rationally explain to an eighteen year old that his parents will no longer financially support him?
But Dad and Mom have always been there to supply the most basic needs in life; shelter, clothing, food and, yes, many wonderful extras. It’s their responsibility, right? However, to supply funds means supplying an alcohol and drug habit that is a non-negotiable line item.
How do you tell your eighteen year old child that he may no longer live in the home with his parents, siblings and pets?
But it is our job as parents to provide for our children…..
Many long, agonizing, years of behavior disorders, substance abuse and lies had us hovering over our child with each step he took, every decision he made; home, school and legal repercussions. We have spent hours driving to and from family counseling sessions, out-patient facilities, court rooms, detention centers and in-patient facilities so our son would not feel forgotten or un-loved.
We are attempting to ground our helicopter instincts, although today the blades are whirling after yet another “I’m leaving this facility, I don’t care if I go back to Shuman” phone call last evening.
Our hula-hoop now contains our other three sons with an additional small hula-hoop for our dual-disorder child. We will always visit and help guide his life decisions regarding mental and physical health, living conditions and work; but he needs to have a separate hula-hoop from the rest of our immediate family until he can manage his disorders and life; less the legal systems involvement.
Coming to terms with re-inventing our family in order to protect the health and well being of the rest of us is a difficult mournful process. Our helicopter still has a full tank of fuel but for today…the skies are too threatening to take off…
Cheryl, Jim & Andy
Grounding the Helicopter Parents! ~ Written By Cheryl
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, July 19, 2011
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6 comments:
Hi Cheryl,
Thank you for the insightful post; it is good to know that others have similar struggles. There seems to be a fine line between some of our actions. Are we simply helping our son out or are we enabling him?
It is so hard for me to sit back and see him struggle with some things. Kathie and I had a constructive conversation on the phone today and she said the following two sentences which are worth repeating for all parents to hear:
"Listen to what your son or daughter has to complain about.
Do not try to fix it."
I believe this is exactly what my son needs. He needs me to hear his problems and be a sounding board; maybe even interject a little advice or humor or compassion, however, he needs to learn how to do for himself.
Every day gets a little bit easier.
Cheryl,
Thanks you so much for this inspiring post. I love your helicopter and hula hoop references. And feel for you as I have a dual diagnosis 17 year old son. I am amazed at how many of our kids have dual diagnoses of mental health and addiction.
I agree with Sally, too, that there is a fine line between helping and enabling them.
I don't have any other children and can't imagine trying to maintain relationships/a life with the others while this one dominates everything and everyone around him.
Take Care.
Wilma
Cheryl,
I understand completely what you are saying and how you are feeling. I have been a helicopter myself, and my propeller has been clipped and grown back again multiple times. Similar to the kid who needs multiple rehab visits until they "get it", we parents also need repeated mental stays at our own "rehab" for enabling, co-dependency, or helicoptering. It takes a while, a lot of practice, and a deep belief that what you are doing is actually the best real help for your child. Hang in there; we are all here for you!
Cheryl, this is a great analogy- the helicopter parents, hovering, loving, being willing to sacrifice whatever to help their child. I guess the sacrifice that counts now is accepting the guilt that comes from letting your teen struggle and find his own solutions.
"We find countless solutions for our children but don't give them enough problems to solve." Not sure who said that or something like that- but I think it goes to the heart of what's going on. The new sacrifice parents, helicopter or not, is to back off a bit and let them figure it out. It's an art more than a science- you want to be there but not be there to enable.
Every addict requires at least one person to be a prime enabler in his life. When that person or persons change,it is difficult for the addict to continue to abuse drugs at significant levels.
The graphic is cute and perfect for this post!
Cheryl, thank you for this post. In grounding my helicopter, I am learning to have my own life take flight. The view from this vantage point definitely changes my perspective on what is "his" and what is "my" life.
Wilma and Cheryl, I too have a dual diagnosis son (the Prodigal); however as a researcher in mental health, it doesn't surprise me. Addiction, like many mental health issues, is tightly linked to common neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin) and it is well known that kids with mental health issues "self medicate" with alcohol, weed and caffeine. Unfortunately, for those with a predisposition to addiction, it goes on to more significant issues.
I have a 30 year old son with dual diagnosis (bipolar which I believe has some schizophrenic symptoms) and opiate addiction. He is currently in jail because he was in a year long treatment program but didn't "like" it there...he has a Casey's Law Order in effect so until he gets treatment, he will be on a merry go round of hospitals, treament, jail, until he understands that he has to complete treatment. I learned that my son was abusing drugs when he was 15 years old. It is now 15 years later...I am trying to get past the feeling of guilt for not seeking a long term program when he was a teenager but I was very busy trying to keep a roof over our head and food on the table...I have also been a helicopter parent and an enabler but am trying to make changes now. I am fine with my convictions during the day but struggle at night while trying to go to sleep...the guilt reel loop plays over and over.
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