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| What's this have to do with it? |
Stop running first of all, unless you can make it safely to a room with a good lock where you can get a few breaths. Turn, face your teen and make a very big agreement...
Mom: It doesn't matter what I do you're NOT going to let this drop. [Using strong body language but keeping safety** in mind also]
Teen: No, you lied about this.
Mom: Yes, I'm the evil witch of the west and as soon as you've had your say, I'm going for my broom and I'm getting the heck out of here for a while.
Teen: Will you be serious??!!!
Mom: I'll try- go ahead have your say.
Teen: What?
Mom: Obviously, I can't outrun you can I?
Teen: I want to go out and I need money. You promised to give me some money and I need it today.
Mom: No. Not going to happen today.
Teen: You promised.
Mom: Nevertheless.
Teen: You are a bitch.
Mom: OK OK this is going on long enough I think. Tell you what.
Teen: What
Mom: [continuing with very strong body language," taking an inch" of her teenagers' personal space and keeping safety** in mind] why don't you tell me exactly what you think of me, and don't hold back this time, OK?
Teen: I just did [glaring].
Mom: OK, well I want to give you the last word, OK?
Teen: You're standing too close to me!
Mom: You're right this is too close! [Not backing up] and this meeting has gone on way too long!
Teen: Well, back off!
Mom: You're right, I need to back off, I'm getting entirely too fired up- now why don't you just tell me what you think of me, get if off your chest, no more holding back, and then have your last word about this money thing and this not leaving the house thing because you are grounded Mister. Now go ahead, I'll shut up and I'll back off, to what, how's this is this good distance for you?
Teen: Yeah.
Mom: Go ahead, have your say.
Teen: What, why are you doing this?
Mom: Obviously, I can't outrun you and you follow me around not letting this thing drop so you have apparently more things you need to say- so lets have out with it and be done with it now.
Teen: You said I could have money and I could go out. I already told you Robert doesn't get high anymore. You're not listening to me I told you all this.
Mom: OK, you're absolutely right, you know what's going on here?
Teen: What?
Mom: You are doing a good job of being crystal clear with me about how you see things. You think I'm a liar and apparently since I refuse to give you money today that I was going to give you, you think I'm a thief of sorts too I suppose.
Teen: Sorta yeah.
Mom: Well, I'm not doing as good a job AS YOU ARE of being crystal clear. Very good. Let me try to do better, OK?
Teen: What?
Mom: I...am...not...giving...you...any...money...today. I've...changed...my...mind. I...know...you...don't...agree...with...my...reasons. Never-the-less...you...are...grounded...until...further...notice. Now...is...there...any...part...of...that...that...is...still...muddy...or...unclear?
Teen: No
Mom: The fact that you think me a liar, thief, and a bitch does not change the fact that I've changed my mind. Is that clear?
Teen: [glares]
Mom: Just for the record, any time I'm NOT comfortable with your plans I will change my mind.
Teen: Just yesterday, you said you were starting to trust me!
Mom: Yes, and that was true yesterday.
Teen: So, that was a lie?
Mom: No, but you want to believe I'm a liar, so go ahead and believe what you like. You don't want to understand my reasons, we already had this discussion. It's too complicated apparently. We'll talk about it when you've calmed down.
Teen: I've calmed down.
Mom: You have?
Teen: Yes.
Mom: So if I tell you why again, you won't argue, debate, and stalk me through the house until you badger me into changing my mind back?
Teen: Yes.
Mom: Yes what?
Teen: Yes, I won't follow you around anymore.
Mom:And you won't debate?
Teen: I'll try.
Mom: Good, THANK YOU! I'm not comfortable with you hanging out with Robert again.
Teen: But he's clean I told you!
Mom: You're debating.
Teen: OK OK, I won't go out with Robert can I still go out and have the money?
Mom: Absolutely not.
Teen: Why not?
Mom: I'm sorry, but for one thing I don't give money and privileges to young men who call me bitch, liar, thief and follow me around the house arguing when I clearly wanted to end the conversation. No, I'm afraid that I'm just NOT comfortable with THAT. But you know, you have surprised me today.
Teen: How? [still glaring].
Mom: You're usually the one who wants these meetings to end. But today I'm trying to end it and you just seem like you want to chat all day!
Teen: Up yours! [walks away].
Mom: [thinks: if I move quick I can make it too my broom stick and get the heck out of here!]
**Keeping safety in mind means that if you've been hurt by your teenager or if you have reason to believe that "taking an inch" of their space will lead to violence,then don't do that particular thing; however, it is still strongly recommended that you don't give any space to your teenager by backing up when you're doing this. That would show fear and showing fear can also incite teenagers to violence. Be safe. If you believe that you are not safe in your own home talk to someone about a Safety Plan and see if there are changes that you can make to increase your safety. For example, you might invite a local police to your home to inform your teenager about how easy it is to file assault charges and what the filing of those charges would mean. Always remember that calling 911 and telling dispatch operator that you need an "officer to keep the peace" is a good way to increase your safety in your home. If your teenager believes that you will make that call, then he may be reluctant to start violence.
As pointed out in comments by Anonymous more information about safety can be read at When Teenagers Harrass Parents.
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2 comments:
When Teenagers Harrass Parents
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Wednesday, January 21, 2009
This post also has alot if helpful tips to keep yourself safe if the situation escalates.
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