This hasn't been the best week for our family so I'm feeling a little down.
I watched an episode of "Army Wives" tonight and there were two quotes from the show that I wanted to share as I've been feeling them both this week. Other parents may have felt this way at one time or another.
The first was a father talking to one of the soldiers in the show about his son who died in combat. He said: "I won't pretend that he was the son I wanted
The first was a father talking to one of the soldiers in the show about his son who died in combat. He said: "I won't pretend that he was the son I wanted
but now that he's gone I'd give my life to have him back."
My son isn't "gone" physically but he's not the son I used to have before drugs and alcohol. That son is gone and I don't know if he will ever be back. I miss the son I could talk to without wondering if a lamp will be flying through the air or punching a hole in a door because he's upset or walking on eggshells and avoiding him so that there is a little peace and quiet in the house. I know we can't turn back the clock but the other day I saw a mom walking with her toddler and started crying in the car wishing for those days back. I miss those days of closeness with my son when we were innocent of this new life we have of drug addiction. Today I would give my life to have his back.
The other quote was Roxy talking to her alcoholic mother " you're my mother (for us - son, daughter, child) I could never not love you but I can't have you in my life anymore, I can't."
I hate that I feel this way but for today that is how I feel. I'm hoping it goes away, things change, but right now I can't live like this anymore.
My son isn't "gone" physically but he's not the son I used to have before drugs and alcohol. That son is gone and I don't know if he will ever be back. I miss the son I could talk to without wondering if a lamp will be flying through the air or punching a hole in a door because he's upset or walking on eggshells and avoiding him so that there is a little peace and quiet in the house. I know we can't turn back the clock but the other day I saw a mom walking with her toddler and started crying in the car wishing for those days back. I miss those days of closeness with my son when we were innocent of this new life we have of drug addiction. Today I would give my life to have his back.
The other quote was Roxy talking to her alcoholic mother " you're my mother (for us - son, daughter, child) I could never not love you but I can't have you in my life anymore, I can't."
I hate that I feel this way but for today that is how I feel. I'm hoping it goes away, things change, but right now I can't live like this anymore.
4 comments:
Dear Wilma,
I know how you feel and I am sorry for you. I have gone through the same series of emotions just as other PSST parents have. This damn thing we call addiction robs the parents as much as it robs our children of our normal lives.
Your feelings are valid. After you work through the sad and despairing feelings, look out of your window and see that it is spring and that hope prevails.
We must keep chipping away at addiction with the help of PSST and other family services. Please write to sally servives any time you feel a need to.
When I see families out in public with small children I feel sorry for them, for I know something they do not yet know. I worry for anyone having babies these days, we cannot control how they will turn out in spite of our best efforts and professional intervention. I fear for my niece and nephew. They say addiction affects 1 in 4 families; when I see a group of children I find myself trying to pick which ones will be the addicts. How pitiful that I think this way. This is where this disease has brought me.
posted by Home Alone
Thanks Sally.
I am trying to be hopefull. Sometimes my "old" son comes through the "new" son and that's when doubts come on what course of action to take which way should we go. however, right now I am trying really hard to stay strong and follow the course we are taking right now. Yours and all of our PSST support and strength I know will get me through.
Wilma
Thanks Wilma!
I too have had the same thoughts you have had
about what is normal. The old normal is gone and now we live in a new normal. Even when I seem to have the old son back I am always wondering if he is telling me the truth or what will set him off. He has done well and I know your son will too. I have cried when I see moms and little kids and wish for the old life before drugs. I work in a preschool so I am with lots of little kids and am constantly wondering which ones will turn to drugs when they are teens. It is so scary because when your kids are little you think that you will always protect them from evil. Well, evil knows no boundries. Wilma, you are amazing, keep strong and know that we are here for you. Alice
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