This word can work like magic. If we are careful to only use "NOW" when we mean it we can see a dramatic shifting of power. If "NOW" is used and not meant then the magic can weaken.
EXCERPT: Consider the other way: You nag nag nag your teenager to bring those cups downstairs. He says "OK later," but he never does it. The dishes stack up until one of two things happen. Either all your dishes are now in your teenager's bedroom or you go in and take them downstairs for him. Either way, he is in the dominant position of power and you are in the submissive position. Now you have given up the power seat and have given up the advantage when bigger issues such as curfew, drug abuse, and hanging with old friends comes along.
Here's the basic idea: if we can do something to get our teenager's behavior where we want it, without punishing and without bribery or even rewarding, then we are way ahead of the Who's In Charge Game.
For example, your teenager has dirty dishes in his room. You have asked him over and over again to bring the dishes down and it's always the same response: "OK, in a minute." But the minute never comes. As a parent you are getting angrier and angrier and you fear that bugs or rodents might make a move on your teenager's room and of course infest the whole house.
You can threaten to take his cell phone or his Black Opps video game if he doesn't clean up his room but then you are into punishment. We sometimes need punishment in order to hold our teenagers accountable; however, it is much better (when possible) that we hold our teenager's accountable without punishment. One way to do this is by saying and meaning the word NOW.
Sometimes this is difficult for parents to see. If we don't punish it may feel as though "he got away with it" but that's not what's happening. What's happening is that you have helped get his behavior where you want it. Once you do that you've succeeded and then continue to do that until this behavior is rountine. Consistency is so important if we want our teens to learn a routine.
Parents sometime say to me, "I shouldn't have to tell him to do his chores- he's 18!" I agree with them and I add, "You shouldn't have had to go to Court. You shouldn't have had to support your teen in rehab by going to parent's meeting. You shouldn't have had to go to those meetings at school. You shouldn't have had to do a lot of things. But you do. So let's look at effective things that might help. Telling teens over and over in a consistent manor that they have to get thier chores done "now" helps them to set up the routine. That's the goal. And if you can do that without punishment so much the merrier.
So, how does it work? When you spot the dishes and glasses in his room walk in and confront him by saying something like this:
Dad: Son, I need these dishes and glasses carried downstairs.
Son: I'll get it later Dad, I'm busy playing this game.
Dad: [Dad moves in closer to his son so that he is about a foot away but he keeps his voice low and calm and he has good strong eye-contact] Not later Son; I need you to do it now.
Son: I said I was busy Dad I'll get it in a minute![Son is getting a tad louder at this point]
Dad: Regardless, Son I need this carried down now. [Dad is using strong eye contact and now he is narrowing the gap, only about 10 inches from his son now and as he leans in to confront his son you can feel the power. When we did the role-play in group we could all feel the power. You might call it the Power of Command.]
At this point Dad is committed. He must stick with it until the dishes are carried downstairs. He has invoked the sacred word, "NOW" and if he invokes this word and then does not see the task through, then the word may never work the same for him again. It's magic will wane.
Therefore, DO NOT USE THIS WORD unless you really mean it and are prepared to drop everything and stay with your teenager until the task is accomplished. No threats are necessary and in fact, threatening at this point might be counter-productive and cause unnecessary resentment.
Threats are not helpful at the introduction of the word "NOW." Likewise, once a teenager carries the dishes and glasses downstairs do not follow that up with a lecture or with a punishment. It does not help at that point to say, "See wasn't that easy, don't you wish that you just did that on you own without me having to point it out." That' s sort of rubbing the teenagers' nose in it if you will, and it is now much more gracious to say, "Thanks Son, I appreciate that."
Once the teenager has carried the stuff downstairs you are free to thank him but no need to go overboard and print him a certificate. If he does it you have set in motion a powerful precedent. From now on when you say NOW you mean it and he must do it.
The reason that threats and punishments are not necessary is that the Dad has one huge advantage over the teenager. The teenager really really wants the Dad to go away so that he can resume his texting, TV watching, or game playing. Dad, on the other hand has nothing better to do at the moment except stand there and get close to his son's face and keep repeating:
Dad: I want that carried downstairs now Son.
Son: Why? Give me one good reason that crap has to be carried down now.
TRAP ALERT: Yes you have a million good reasons for wanting that stuff carried down right now but don't give him anything other than that's just the way you want it done. That's it. Otherwise, he will debate you endlessly and probably win.
Dad: I need you to carry that stuff down now Son. It's time for carrying stuff not for asking questions.
Son: Give me one good reason why now?
Dad: You need to move that stuff now Son- that's the reason.
Son: That's not a reason.
Dad: You're right Son, I'm not giving much of a reason. I need it done now-that's the reason.
(notice the agreement, without backing down)
Dad: Nevertheless, you need to carry these plates and glasses down to the kitchen now, Son.
Another benefit: using the NOW word and having your teenager comply means that you are the dominant in-charge adult at your house. Now your teen will have accepted that. The more you do this kind of thing the more you establish yourself as the in charge-adult. More important issues like curfew, drug abuse, hanging with old friends, and disrespectful behaviors are going to be easier to approach because you now speak with the voice of authority.
Consider the other way: You nag nag nag your teenager to bring those cups downstairs. He says "OK later," but he never does it. The dishes stack up until one of two things happen. Either all your dishes are now in your teenager's bedroom or you go in and take them downstairs for him. Either way, he is in the dominant position of power and you are in the submissive position. Now you have given up the power seat and have given up the advantage when bigger issues such as curfew, drug abuse, and hanging with old friends comes along.
You tell him that he better straighten up and fly right. Why should he listen to you? You're the same parent who was not strong enough to get him to bring his dishes downstairs so there is no way he is going to come in when you say. He is the big dog of the house now and he knows it.
Whoever said "don't sweat the small stuff" might not have been working with defiant teenagers. It's important to sweat some of the small stuff. Although another way to look at this is that if those dishes in his room might attract bugs, that's not small stuff. If your teenager doesn't develop rountine housekeeping skills and habbits that's not small stuff either. If it's driving you crazy- it's not small stuff.
So get between your teenager and the TV he is watching. Take the cell phone he is texting on if that is going to get his attention. Stay with him until he gets off his butt and takes that garbage out. Sooner or later he will do those things just because he doesn't want you to pull the do it now thing on him and that's when you know two things. One: you are the one in charge. And two: you are teaching your teenager responsibility.
Original posted 3-25-10
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5 comments:
I agree with everything that you have said when there is the need for something to be done "now". But there are times when I ask for something to be done (take out the garbage, bring up some bottled water, etc.) that if it doesn't have to be done now (and within an hour is good enough) that when he says "does it have to be done now?" or "can I do it after supper" that it can be very effective to answer as follows; I say "no it doesn't have to be done now / yes, you can do it after supper" AND (those famous AND-statement) "I know you will follow through on that commitment". It gives the teen the opportunity to CHOOSE to assist later (when "now" is not really required) and to feel good about keeping their word / following through on their commitments.
Sounds good Joy Y. It's just that some of the teenagers of PSST parents just aren't doing chores at all. So, while the task or chore may not fit into the category of "needs done now" the parent can choose to elevate it to that category b/c unlike your teenager, that's the only way to get it done. It is more effective than punishment or reward when you have to resort to it. Your way is lovely as long as it's working and the positive reinforcement you give sounds very good also.
Oh...just to clarify. I say that ONLY WHILE it works (which is some weeks, not others). Last week, since he didn't do his chores, my next request will have the word NOW in it. He know the last time I said "now" and he didn't do, I packed up everything in the middle of making supper and put it all away. He could not believe it. He had to live with the fact that no one had supper made because he didn't pull his weight. The social pressure worked for about 3-4 weeks.
That seems to be working fine for you. The nice thing about 'now' is that it can be used without punishment or rewards. The quiet will-power used with 'now' can get results without threats, expect the obvious unspoken threat of "I will be in your face until you do what I need you to do."
Sooner or later, usually sooner, the teenager gets it that until they do their task you won't go away. We can stand to be right there next to them staring at them longer than can stand to have stand there. Then you thank them and move on. At some point it gets easier. I like the no dinner thing that you talked about too. It just shows that there is more than one way to skin a teenager.
LOL. The not making dinner thing came from the How to Deal with your Out of Control Teenager book. It basically said that if something the kid is doing creates a "zing" in you, then either you get your needs met in that thing or you meet some other of your needs met by taking care of yourself. I was very tired that night. I said I needed the garbage taken out so I could make supper. He said "later". I said "I need it now, as it is overflowing AND I want to make supper". He ignored the request. So, I didn't make supper. Period. The end. The really funny thing was, when he went to make himself Kraft Dinner an hour later, he had to take out the overflowing garbage before HE could do it!
Today is a whole other set of issues. It is 4-20 and he is no where to be found.
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