CISCO GETS A WEEKEND PASS
It has been awhile since I wrote about our son, Cisco. The reason that I have not written is two-fold.
First, he is starting to make marked improvements and I don't want to jinx it.
Second, I have made some changes of my own; I have learned how to detach. I now focus on other aspects of my life. It seems to me that the real changes started to happen for Cisco when Rocco and I truly started to change our ways.
At one point we told Cisco that he could never return home to live. There are too many triggers at our home and he would have to make his way in the world on his own at eighteen years of age. Maybe this is when Cisco hit his bottom. He was homeless, penniless and most-likely felt like an orphan.
He is living at an adult halfway house, we will call 'Second Run'. I would love to tell you the real name of the place because it is run by a very dedicated and wonderful man, I will call Tom, who is getting through to Cisco. However, I did not ask permission to use the real names of the facility or director so I do not feel comfortable doing so.
Cisco has been at 'Second Run' for four months. There are times when he hates it there but 'Tom' has a way of talking him through things. He doesn't expect Cisco to do everything right. Instead, when Cisco makes a poor decision, Tom discusses it with Cisco and uses it as a learning tool. The best part is that Cisco has not made the choice to walk away from the program.
Cisco's choices are really becoming more positive. However, that issue about returning to our home crops up frequently. It is a goal that Cisco, and also, Rocco and I would like to work towards, however we are keeping neutral on that one for the moment. We acknowledge that the possibility exists, however, it is too early to say so....or to say when. One day at a time.
The first two weeks that Cisco was at 'Second Run' visiting was not allowed. This was followed by short visits at the facility for a few hours. Then he had some home passes that would last for eight to ten hours. Of course, there were some behavioral issues to address concerning the home visits and we did that with Tom's help.
And now, at four months Cisco had his first weekend pass from 'Second Run'. He called me at work in the middle of the week to discuss this. He was required to have a plan to follow for the entire weekend and to stick to it. The plan included visiting with a reliable friend and sleeping at this reliable friends home for one of the two nights.
While sitting in the confines of 'Second Run', Cisco rattled off that he would start out with a sleepover at Bills (he had permission from Bill's mom), he would come home early the next day to help us move grandpap out of his apartment and then do some other chores. He would hang out with some good friends on Saturday night. Then he would go to church with us on Sunday.
He had everything planned out. We even tweaked a few things and he discussed it all with maturity. It felt right so I said let's give it a go.
Friday night came and Rocco and I were out with some friends. I contacted Cisco by cell phone and he had arrived at Bill's house and everything was okay. I told him we wanted to start moving stuff out of grandpap's apartment at 8:30 in the morning.
Well, the next morning, I found out that Rocco told our other son, Frodo, that they would meet at 7:30 to start the move. So Rocco and Frodo left early and I waited to get in touch with Cisco. At 8:15 I attempted to call Cisco but his phone was out of service! I did not panic because Cisco pays for his own phone and it is often shut off because of lack of funds.
However, it was still a pleasant surprise when Rocco called to inform me that he just read a text that Cisco sent on Friday night - "My phone is dead. Call me at Bill's number - 412-555-**** I will try to push myself to get up early tomorrow."
It did take three tries to get through to Cisco on Bill's number since they were up late playing video games. But we started off at 8:50 to help with the move and I felt great. It was so nice to be dealing with normal teenage stuff. Sleeping in 20 minutes late is nothing compared to the struggles of addiction.
Saturday went well. we had a mixture of work and play. Cisco did some chores and then he went out with some friends.
Rocco never did believe that Cisco would go to church with us on Sunday. And of course, when I went to wake Cisco on Sunday morn, he rolled over in bed and said, "Forget it mom, I am tired."
I had to appreciate that we had come a long way from the 'WTF !! HOW DARE YOU EVEN WAKE ME UP FOR THAT CRAP! days.
Rocco did not want a commotion on Sunday morning and even though I was miffed, I did not want a commotion either. So Rocco and I got dressed and we were in the car and ready to go to church sans Cisco.
Rocco turned the key in the ignition and I glanced up in the direction of the patio. There was Cisco relaxing in his shorts, feet up and smoking a cigarette. There was something wrong with this picture.
I jumped out of the car and scooted up the steps to the patio and caught my dress on a nail sticking out from the fence. This got me even madder. I told Cisco, "If you aren't going to church than neither am I."
I must have looked ridiculous because I was still caught on this nail and I kept batting my hand at my dress but could not pull loose. Cisco said, "You are a religious crazy person, mom."
I could only think of the time he told me that he feigned being sick on Christmas Eve so that he could stay home from church and get high. I suspect it could happen again.
Cisco finally said that he would go to church with us. My dress was no longer caught on the nail. I said fine, go with dad, I am not going to go. I just knew what would happen. He would go to church but he would not pay any attention to what was going on and then he would walk out in the middle of the service to smoke. We had done this too many times before and I will not do it again. You cannot force anyone to have faith. Faith is a gift from God and Cisco has not accepted his gift as of yet.
Rocco suggested that we all go see Cisco's P.O. Lloyd. We were going to do this after church anyway. On the way Rocco came up with a great idea for Cisco's next weekend pass. He asked Cisco to find an NA Meeting that is held on a Sunday morning and that we would find a church that has a service nearby at the same time.
Cisco agreed and the rest of our day went well. We are finally at a point where we can discuss and come to a solution to our conflicts. No shouting matches, no threats, no swearing, no slamming doors, no holes in the wall and no using.
Cisco did go to an NA meeting later that night and we let him drive back to 'Beginning the Walk'. He was proud of the fact that he was out of the facility for 72 hours and was still clean. We agreed and hugged him goodbye until next weekend.
(We found a church that holds their service at the same time as one of Cisco's favorite NA meetings so we have a plan for the next weekend pass.)
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CISCO GETS A WEEKEND PASS
Posted by:Sally--Monday, April 25, 2011
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4 comments:
Sounds like a pretty sucessful pass. "You are a crazy religious person!" Why, because you tried to follow the plan that he wrote that happened to include Sunday morning Church?! I love the twist that teenagers put on things. It's all about power of course and not at all about how religious anyone is or isn't.
Well, as you pointed out- it's so much better than the old days. I also think Dan's approach of not expecting perfection but to use shortcomings as a learning tool is just what exactly works with Cisco. Dan is a very dedicated and skillful professional.
Something else is going to happen in these series of home passes with Cisco. One of your gifts for participating in the home pass is knowledge. You will be given ample evidence of whether or not it makes sense for Cisco to return home, and if so under what circumstances. In the meantime, staying neutral as you and Rocco have done is just the ticket.
You will come to know whether he should seek his destiny outside your home or inside it. More will be revealed, as they say in 12-step.
Let's remember too that most children his age are looking to vacate the nest and test their wings anyway. It doesn't mean we are orphans when we leave the nest although our teenagers may wish to paint it that way (in order to guilt us into continuing the whole enabling thing.)
I think another great point you made is that you correlated an improvement in how serious Cisco got about his recovery with how you and Rocco were changing: "It seems to me that the real changes started to happen for Cisco when Rocco and I truly started to change our ways."
The part I liked best is where you saw Cisco sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette and your gut level instincts said something was wrong. You could have went to church anyway and worried the whole time about what he was doing. Instead, you took the "bull by the horns" and even a nasty nail in the hem of your dress didn't stop you from standing up to Cisco. At that point it was about what you were comfortable with and you weren't even comfortable going to church at all. Good for you Sally. You guys are doing great.
Thanks for posting: your story is an inspiration and it is also so exciting because it is one that is still unfolding. No one really knows what's in the next chapter!
Thanks for sharing this update,Sally. While my Prodigal returned home in January after 2 months as essentially "homeless, penniless and most-likely felt like an orphan", much of the other things are the same. We, and his two brothers (who returned to their faith when the Prodigal was out of the house) go to church each Sunday together. The Prodigal either sleeps until shortly before we come home or has slept over a friend's house. The first three months home, by agreement with his drug counsellor, he drank with friends, but didnt use other drugs. All drug tests came back negative...until this month. After being caught diluting his urine tests, he was given a choice to give us undiluted samples or to have to go to the lab to get them. He gave us undiluted samples; which (no surprise) came back positive. The contract he signed when he came home was clear; 3 positive drug tests for THC, he was out of the house. One positive drug test for any other drugs, he was out of the house immediately. We told him he would be given another drug test in a few days and we expect it to be lower. It was. This was not small feat, given that "4-20" occurred in between. He will be given another drug test at the beginning of this coming week, which we have told him should be negative (take ~12 days for THC to clear at the levels we are measuring). For us too, it is a far cry from the 'WTF !! HOW DARE YOU EVEN WAKE ME UP FOR THAT CRAP! days.'. We aren't "there" yet either, but things are progressing. Thanks for sharing your story and your progress, because it helps me keep track of how far we have come, as well. God bless you, Rocco, Cisco and Frodo.
Thanks, for the comments. It is nice to hear from you, Joy, I understand your struggles.
Thanks, Lloyd, for the words of advice. We will gain more knowledge and have a better grasp of where Cisco should live after he is done with his stay at the adult halfway house.
I agree that Cisco is still vying for power, however something wells up in me now when he does this, then it is clear that I must make a stand. Sally
Well, a brief update; its been three steps forward and two step back. He is actively blazing again and didn't come home for two days. He came home, expecting everything to be "as usual". It was, but not as he expected. It is "as usual", but "usual" as per the Living at Home contract. He was told that he will given a drug test Tuesday, which we understand will be positive for THC. He will be given another one a week later, and we expect it to be negative and then will be given one every week after that, which we expect to be negative for him to remain at home. He is not happy. After being out for two days, we told him that he is expected home on the 11 o'clock bus. He said "thats retarded". I said "I understand you feel that way" but this is not a discussion. We understand if you want to stay over at friends houses once in a while and we don't have a problem with you doing so as long as you let us know in advance. But you have been off partying for 2 days and its not happening. He said "I am telling you I am going to stay at a friend's tonight". I said "you are expected to sleep at home tonight, if you wish to remain living at home". The arguing is MUCH MUCH less, because I am not engaging. As I say "this is not a discussion, it is a statement of what will happen in our home". If he insists, I add "you don't have to remain living in our home if this isn't to your liking. He wants to be able to do whatever he wants which we agree he can...when he lives on his own. In our house, these are our rules.
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