Summary of the March 19 meeting in Mt Lebanon Posted by:Rocco--Monday, March 28, 2011

We had another terrific turnout Saturday for our PARENT SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING (PSST) Meeting on March 19th, held at a new location the Mount Lebanon United Methodist Church. We are thankful to Kathie T. and Val K. for finding this roomy new location which is only ten blocks down the road from the old meeting place.

We thank Mount Lebanon United Methodist Church for the use of their facility. This is another example of how MLUMC has been serving the South Hills for 100 years. Since the church usually asks for a twenty five dollar donation.

Rocco and I and some other members thought it would be good to skip buying donuts and other treats for the next PSST Meeting and use the money to donate to the church.

The meeting was led by Val and Lloyd from Allegheny County Probation and Family Therapists Kathie from Wesley Spectrum Services. Also joining us were Candice and Larissa from Allegheny County Probation.

The meeting was attended by 17 caring parents representing 11 families.

We began the meeting by having each parent give a brief summary of how their children are doing and how they are doing.

Rocco and Sally kicked off the meeting talking about our 18 year old son Cisco. Cisco has been in and out of a number of facilities since June 2009. Some programs he completed and some he walked away from. His latest program is at an adult facility where we hope that he is starting to “get it”. What we have learned in almost two years is that we didn’t cause Cisco’s addiction problem, we cannot control Cisco’s addiction and we can’t cure Cisco’s addiction. It is his recovery and it is for him to work on it. We are here and will assist him in every way we can but Sally and I need to refocus on us and keeping our lives in order.

Cisco talks about coming home or getting an apartment and living on his own. We have tried to make it clear to him that he will need to get some sort of training or skill to make enough money to be able to afford to live on his own. We would like for him to come home while he completes his training. We have discussed that if he wants to come home that he will need to stay on Juvenile Probation for a while. If he wants to be off of Juvenile Probation then he will need to stay at the halfway house or some other facility. We are currently going to counseling as a family to smooth this transition out.

Thanks to Kathie & Cathie and Lloyd & Val for helping us get to the point that we are at and thanks to all of all of our friends at PSST for their support.

Marie, a veteran PSST mom returned accompanied by her Mom (one of our veteran PSST Grandparents), and her older son, Raymond.

Marie’s younger son Robert is in recovery and has been clean for almost 2 years. Robert has a good job and has been living on his own.

Robert, like many of our teens in recovery, still has some behavior and anger issues in addition to working his recovery. Because of these issues he has been told that he needs to find a new place to live. He has asked Marie if he can move back home.
Marie, like many parents of children in recovery, loves her son and will continue to help him in his recovery. Never-the-less she has determined that moving back home with her is not an option at this time. Not even for a short time while he makes new living arrangements.

This is not an uncommon thing for those in recovery and their loved ones. It does not mean that either of them loves each other any less; it means that they cannot live together in the same place. Sometimes even short visits can be tough to handle (See the role play near the end of the post concerning this).

For now Robert will need to work his housing issue out on his own. Marie’s will need to work on how to say no and sticking with her final answer. Fortunately Marie has the support of her mother and her other son. Many parents find other family members not understanding their feelings and in the worst case opposing them.

It was good to see you again Marie as well as your mom and your son. We are always here to support you or to just listen to you when you need us.

Jenn and Brad where up next. Their 14 year old son Dylan has already entered the juvenile justice system one year ago. His defiant behavior unfortunately has not subsided. Recently they had to call in the police when Dylan became agitated and began to break the furniture. Charges are pending against Dylan which they hope will give teeth to the Act 53 charges they are going to file.

After this altercation Dylan did something noteworthy; he called the police on himself. It seems that his mom told him of course he could not got to the mall with his friends after this. So Dylan decided it was a good idea to call 9-1-1 to tell them that his mom was trying to stop him from going to the mall. The 9-1-1 call resulted in the police returning quickly to the home they had just been at. Dylan was taken to the local hospital for a check-up and released to Jenn and Brad. He was good for a couple of days before he was kicked out of the mall and told Jenn and Brad that he was not going to attend his outpatient program.

Jenn and Brad asked for the input of the other parents at the meeting on their feelings on trying an outpatient program vs inpatient program for their son. As we went around the room I believe it was pretty much unanimous that he definitely needs an inpatient program not just for his own good but for the safety and the sanity of Jenn and Brad.

Placing our teen into an inpatient recovery program is difficult but we pretty much know, as Jenn and Brad do, that it is the correct thing to do. We all want to handle our child ourselves but it becomes more and more apparent that we need to turn this over to recovery professionals to help us. Note: We are not turning over parental control to them, in fact parent’s participation and involvement is critical to helping your child in their recovery.

Jenn and Brad, please accept our assurance that this is the right thing to do and we are here to support you through the process. No system is perfect and results vary but it is the best thing you can do at this time for your son and for yourselves.

Our next parent was Wilma. Wilma’s son Bam-Bam has some mental health issues that, until he is clean for an extended time, will be tough to unravel. She thinks that he has used Acid, K-2 Spice and alcohol. Little by little Bam-Bam is trying to take back the power in their home. Their attempt at Cyber School is not working (it rarely does for our substance abusing teens). Bam-Bam’s home counselor agrees that he is not doing what he needs to do.

Basically Bam-Bam is not in a good place. The only one who is not getting it, or who doesn’t want to accept that their teen needs additional help, is her husband Fred. His preferred solution is that the problems will resolve themselves and just go away. Unfortunately this solution has a 99% +failure rate and generally leads to bigger problems.

Wilma is probably going to need to move forward on her own to save her son’s life and Fred will need to get on board when he can catch up. Please Note: The longer you wait to work on a recovery solution with your child the harder their recovery becomes; resulting in a greater likelihood of permanent disability, and possibly death. Do not underestimate the seriousness of this disease.

You are doing a good job Wilma. Thanks for your contributions to the blog.

Alice has become a PSST Pro-Parent in a short time along with her husband Ralph. Around a year ago they came to their first PSST meeting with their two sons involved in drug use and other legal problems. They had a pretty good idea of what direction they needed to go to help their sons in their recovery but came to PSST for some assistance on how to actually get there.

Their 16 year old son Ed completed his inpatient recovery program and his 90 in 90. Well Alice clarified it was more like 90 in 4-1/2 months never-the- less he did it.

She noted that Ed has been working on gaining his parents trust. During a recent approved weekend away they asked him to call in periodically just to check in. Ed complied and checked in 5 times.

Their older son Norton, 19, chose to leave the area rather than face up to his drug and legal problems about 6 months ago. He has contacted Alice and Ralph about possibly returning home. They explained to him that he would need to deal with his legal problems and his drug recovery prior to discussing his return. Detaching is very difficult however Alice and Ralph understand that they do not want a return to the same chaotic lifestyle they had prior to coming to PSST.

Alice and Ralph are a good example of how in less than a year with PSST they were able to turn their lives around by refocusing on their own well being.

Candy’s daughter Tori has been in her recovery program since last summer when Candy and her husband Aaron had the courage to stand up in court to save her life. They did everything they could to see that their daughter Tori was placed back into an inpatient recovery program.

Tori has done well but recently is having some behavior problems in the halfway house she is in. She told her mom she has to get out of the program. She told her “I’m sorry that I’m letting you down.” Candy replied “You’re not letting me down, you’re letting yourself down.”

Lloyd agreed that this was a good way to handle the situation. Our teens work hard in their recovery and their treatments bring out a lot of feelings. We can feel for our teen but we cannot approve of bad behavior or even indicate to them that it is okay to act out. This again requires us to detach from our teen and refocus on what is best for their recovery and not on our emotions. This is not the easy thing to do.

Thanks for being part of PSST Candy. You continue to show everyone what it means to stand up for your daughter and your family.

Our next PSST pro-mom Daisy has a 15 year old son Ozzie. He has been home from inpatient recovery, on an electronic monitor (i.e. ankle bracelet), for 12 days and 3 hours and counting. On the good side Ozzie has been clean for 6 months. On the bad side his behavior went right back down near zero in his quest for power as soon as he returned home. He has repeated warned anyone that will listen that his mom drives him crazy and that she will cause him to flip out. He had been away for about 6 months, and Daisy feels "like he never left"

This called for a visit from Ozzie’s P.O. (Daisy’s pit bull on a leash). The P.O. allowed Ozzie to vent and then let him in on a secret – “The doors at Shuman Juvenile Detention Center swing both ways.” He suggested to Ozzie that he had not been all that comfortable with him coming home but decided to go along with his counselors and his mom. He wasn’t sure that he was all that ready to be back home from placement and is ready at any time to send him back in. He challenged Ozzie to prove him wrong.

This has given Daisy a temporary reprieve but eventually he will slip back to his daily tantrums. This is when Daisy will need to step up and let him know that he is not in power and she can change her mind also.

This once more goes back to “detachment or refocus” from your teen. As Daisy and the rest of us will testify this is very easy advice to give and it is easy to role play at the meetings but it is really difficult to live continuously at home when facing our teens. Remember these girls and boys are master manipulators and will do whatever it takes to get the power back. That includes threatening, pleading, bargaining, lying and “Flipping Out”.

We have got to learn to allow our children to fail (again easy to say). Never-the-less you will drive yourself, and probably the rest of your family, insane if you try to clear every little twig and pebble out of your child’s path. They have got to learn to pick themselves back up when they fall. You can be there when they cry for help. You might even be there to catch then as they start falling. However you cannot be there 24/7 to watch their every step.

You have done a great job saving your son Daisy but unfortunately he has a way to go yet. Hang in there – we are all here to back you up when you need it.

Brigitte and Francoise are newer PSST parents. Their son Pierre has been in an inpatient recovery program for a few weeks. Because of his deliberate drug use and his attitude his parents filed charges to get him onto juvenile probation. As his recovery has progressed Pierre is getting easier to talk with and he is able to discuss his issues. They accompanied him on his visit with his Public Defender and things are going better than they thought it would. They are both “cautiously optimistic”.

Brigitte and Francoise you are taking tough steps but are progressing well. Remember that recovery is not a cure but a lifetime process and please try not to be discouraged on the bad days. Your son will have his ups and downs but now he knows you are serious about helping him with his recovery. Now it is up to him to work the program.

Brigitte and Francoise we at PSST have been there and done that, and will continue to be there for you, too.

Becky and Tom first came to their first PSST meeting last October but Becky had studied the PSST Blog ahead of time and had already successfully used the PSST "Cold Water Wake-Up Method" on their 16 year old son Syd who didn't want to get up for school.

Syd has been doing well in the halfway house and is scheduled to come home this week. Of course Becky and Tom are apprehensive, as all of us are when our teens return home but they are looking into an alternative school and will put their best PSST detachment skills to the test.

As mentioned above, your son will have his ups and downs but now he knows you are serious about helping him with his recovery. Now it is up to him to work the program.

Becky and Tom you two have come a long way in a short time and we are here to help you stay on track.

Rose's son Joe is an addict whose drug of choice is "robotripping" - using over the counter cough/cold meds in combinations that produce a high. He has been in the system and has not lived at home for two years.

Rose used to be the poster mom for “Moms that don’t want to let go of their kids.” She is finally getting the detachment thing.

She has had good visits with Joe and Joe is scheduled for his first home pass on April 1. Rose has would love to go to a hockey game with Joe or something similar, but she has made no plans yet for the visit. Rose is looking forward to Joe’s visit but knows that many things can happen before Joe gets his home pass (mostly because of consequences of his own actions).

We have discussed behavior previously and the possibility of our kid’s relapses and acting out to be cries for help. It may be that they are not ready to face the world on their own yet.

On a better note she said he is doing well with school and is still scheduled to graduate with his high school class. But once again she is not making plans at this time.

Rose you have had a rough couple of years but you have done all you could to keep your son clean and alive. While the struggles are not be over he is doing as well as he is because of you.

Kitty's younger 18 year old son Carlyle has come home from his inpatient program. He is doing well and Kitty feeling good but is prepared to take whatever action needed to help him into his recovery. She can accept that it is his recovery and it is his choice.

Kitty’s older son Cat is a heroin addict in a 1/2 way house. Once again she recognizes that the only thing she can do is wait and see if he is ready to accept his recovery program. She has made it clear to him that while she loves him and will assist him in his recovery, she will not enable him including the fact that he is not going to be allowed to return home again.

We can all learn from you, Kitty. Thanks for becoming part of PSST.

Jessica has a son we call Herman. Herman has a couple of months in his inpatient recovery program. Jessica and her husband Roger have made it clear to Herman that a whole new world awaits him when he returns home. First off he has lost his own bedroom and will be bunking with his brothers. This includes all of his decorations.

They have had some okay visits recently, including a trip to the nearby mall, but Herman was pressing his mom that he wanted a 10 hour pass to come home. Jessica wasn’t really comfortable with this and as they discussed the new house rules Herman’s anger began to surface again. Jessica has no problem at this point asking her son if it is time to end their visits.

Remember this when you are visiting your teen at an inpatient facility – it is okay to get up and leave if your visit is not going well. As noted above your teen will have a lot of different feelings during their treatment and there is no need to prolong a bad visit. Don’t take it personally but do take the time to report both good and bad visits to their counselors. It will help the counselors determine how well your child is really doing.

As it turned out Herman was not a candidate for a 10 hour pass. And as it turns out, under the terms of the program he is not allowed to leave the county that he is in so he couldn’t do a home pass anyways. We did let Jessica know that there is a nice park with some really nice dog runs a couple of exits down from the recovery facility. Have fun with your new puppy. What was his name...
...Shuman?

Hang in there Jessica. As you and Roger know recovery is not a walk in the park.

This Week’s Role Play

This week’s role play concerned a mom telling her son in recovery that he cannot return home. We have several former and current PSST Parents that have this issue.

As noted above; these parents love their child and want to continue to assist their child in any way they can in their recovery but this does not include them returning home. There are various reasons for this and not all of it is about drug & alcohol use. For whatever reason some people can get along wonderfully when they are not living together but they butt heads if they spend more than a day together.

For this role play Marie played the Son and Lloyd played the Mom.

Son: So mom listen I got to get out of the apartment so I am going to move back home for a couple of days.

Mom: No son, you know we have talked about this before...

Son: Mom, I know that, this is not like I am moving back in like forever. I just need a place for a couple of days until I have a new place to move into.

Mom: Nope you will need to find another place to stay.

Son: C’mon mom I just need a place to sleep, I am at work all day. Look I will sleep on the couch I won’t even unpack my bag…

Mom: I’m sorry honey you will need to call one of your friends.

Son: You don’t have any idea what I am going through mom. All I need is a couple of nights until I can find a place. What is your problem? Why can’t I come home?

Mom: Even if I could explain it you wouldn’t get it. So there is no reason to keep on discussing this. I know it is hard to find somewhere to stay but you cannot come here. We are like oil and water together. If you cannot find a friend try a motel for a couple of days. There is that place across the highway from your workplace.

Son: That dive? You want me to stay in that dump? C'mon mom, it will different this time…

Mom: The answer is still no. Now listen, I am not willing to go through it again. You will need to find another place to stay. If you need me to pay for a night or two I can. I can help you out but that is it.

The point here is for the mom to stand firm and clear “No, you cannot stay here. Not even for one or two nights.” Do not take the guilt. At least minimize your guilt; you have been through this before. You cannot get along with your son or daughter in the same house. It is not going to suddenly change. Offer some support. Keep on track; "No you cannot stay here." Do not get into a lengthy discussion of why or why not.

They have put themselves in a bad situation and they need to work their way out of it. You cannot continue to bail them out of the trouble they continue to get themselves in. You cannot return to your co-dependency issues again.

The issue of suicide threats came up here in the discussion.

As always we recommend that you take any and all threats of suicide seriously (no matter how many times they have done it before).

In this case it does not mean letting him use this threat to let him come back home – letting him get his way is not a solution - he can commit suicide at home just as well as anywhere else.

If your son or daughter attempts or threatens suicide get them to the nearest emergency room as soon as possible for an evaluation. If they will not cooperate with you call 9-1-1 and get help.

TO BE CONTINUED