SUMMARY OF JANUARY 8 MEETING IN WEXFORD Posted by:Max--Monday, January 10, 2011

Saturday's PSST meeting in Wexford (the first of 2011) was another well attended event.

Yours Truly had the dubious honor of keeping the meeting moving. I am happy to help Lloyd and Val facilitate any time, but I feel badly about having to tell someone it is time to move on. For the record, I understand the need to share. All of our stories are "share worthy". However, in the interest of time, the process of quick intros by all, followed by more in-depth sharing by the parents most in need that day, followed by a break and then role-play, seems to cover all bases.

We are a democracy however, so all are encouraged to speak up with helpful ideas for the meeting.

We had Val and Lloyd from Allegheny County Juvenile Probation, Kathie and Justin from Wesley Spectrum and 16 powerful parents (including one of our PSST Alumna).

The support our group gives each other rejuvenates us,and provides us with strength to face another day with our teen. KEEP ON COMING!

The 17 parents representing 12 families are known here on the blog as Alice & Ralph, Wilma, Violet, Angela & Tony, Jessica & Roger, Max, Daisy, Sally & Rocco, Candy & Aaron, Lori, Millie and Jim.

FIRST A HUGE THANK YOU: All of us were warned with in an inch of our lives NOT to purchase anything even close to a gift for our wonderful leaders, Lloyd, Val, Rebecca, Kathie T, Jocelyn & Justin - and WE AGREE - WE WILL NOT PURCHASE A GIFT! Never the less...we wanted to show how much we appreciate all the great advice and help that is constantly provided. We took up a collection and made a donation to "Coffee House Nation", a group Lloyd started that helps provide teens in recovery with fun sober activities. After presentation of this donation to Lloyd, and many heart-felt thank yous, it was time to go around the room.

Let's Talk

First to share was Alice and Ralph. Their older son Norton has chosen to return to his birth family and give life a go on his own. He is in violation of his probation, as well as being out of the U.S. He is over 18 at this point, and if he chooses to return to the Kramden household, there will be legal ramifications.

The Kramdens are a united front - they will not buckle under with guilt or worry - they are true PSST Parents! Younger son Ed has recently been discharged from his placement, and is doing very well at his private school. He is kept busy with extra-curricular basketball, and kept in line with a very tight contract.

Ralph says "we are buying clean time by being strict about his contract".

Although Ed misses brother Norton, both Alice and Ralph plainly see that the two boys were a real tag team; Ed alone is getting the positive attention and strict boundaries that are helping him stay clean; in fact, he just received his 6 month key chain.

Ralph and Alice, just keep on driving that bus!!

Next to share was Wilma. Her 16 year old son Bam-Bam spent 3 weeks at a psychiatric facility, and has been quite upfront about how he sabotages his entry interviews for drug rehab by making the counselors think he is mentally unstable and wanting to harm himself. Wilma knows better; she is a new PSST parent, but has already started the ball rolling by being in touch with the police. Val added that she will help get Bam-Bam a much needed PO.

Wilma, keep on doing what you are doing; you were on the right track before we met you, and you've picked up PSST methods quickly. Hang in there!

Violet was next. She was obviously relaxed and happy, which her friends at PSST were thrilled to see; her son Sal has recently left the half-way house after a long stint for heroin addiction. He is doing well enough to start college at a small branch campus. Violet has worked hard to get Sal a P.O., which she is happy to report is very tough, and loves to show up unannounced for drug testing.

Violet feels like she has the right support to help keep Sal in line; now she can concentrate on herself for once.

Angela and Tony's daughter Samantha is beginning to show her true colors at her in-patient treatment facility, which is a good thing. After a couple of okay visits Samantha is starting to act out. This is good, their counselors can watch them and are there to help them.

She was basically compliant; She turned down the home pass she earned in exchange for coffee with Kathie T...little does Samantha know Kathie T is an expert sleuth and has learned more about Samantha than Samantha is aware of!

Samantha did have a good telephone conversation with Tony, who made very clear that she cannot have communications with any friends. Tony was tough and had his PSST game face on! He sat back and let her vent. As Tony put it, "just sit back and listen and they will tell you everything you want to know". Tony held his ground like a good PSST-er, and at the end of the call, both he and Samantha were able to say "I love you" to each other.

Congrats, Tony and Angela - you are beginning to see the fruits of your labor!

The question of "assignments" for our kids came up. Tony wondered if he should have Samantha read the blog to see if the kids recognize their negative choices and behaviors in some of the stories. Ralph Kramden shared that he often gave Ed "homework" type questions that he had to think about and answer when they next met.

The consensus was that you have to know your kid. Sometimes this approach can work, sometimes it can backfire. It certainly isn't wrong to have your kid think about a serious question for a while, to discuss at a later time. On the other hand, some of us are better off just having a family visit, trying to rebuild the relationship by playing cards and chatting. You know your teen the best, the decision is yours.

And now, from the woman who once described herself as "pathologically compliant with authority figures" - Jessica is now a self described Renaissance Woman - she can bring home the bacon (actually, it was shrimp), fry it up in the pan, during which time she rightfully suspected her son Herman was high, ran upstairs while the shrimp was cooking, grabbed and bagged evidence, and came down in time to finish the shrimp before the timer went off.

She was so efficient, her husband Roger is nominating her for "Secretary of Homeland Security".

Jessica and Roger, we at PSST greatly appreciate your ability to recount your stories with such good humor. If we don't laugh, we will never stop crying. Hats off to your quick reactions, and to putting into practice what you have learned in a few short weeks at PSST. Herman constantly tries to provoke Jessica, sometimes getting physical in the process. But Jessica (and Roger too) stayed tough; she held up a sign that said "NO"; she refused to answer or engage verbally with Herman, and simply held up the sign for him to read. Jessica and Roger took control of their son's situation.

Herman was constantly telling his parents what "the experts" were saying about him. The "experts" in question didn't seem to have a good read on what Herman was really about.

With the support from PSST,and the confidence of their own convictions and the evidence that she collected Jessica and Roger were able to stand up at Herman's Walk-in Hearing and demand that Herman get what he really needs; to be in a court ordered in-patient treatment program. They feel he probably needs time in a a halfway house before he returns home again.

Since then Jessica found more K-2 Spice in Herman's socks at home and called his Inpatient Facility to ask them to check his socks. Jessica and Lou are both comfortable skipping some of their visits with Herman and spending the time with themselves and their family at this time. This is called detaching with love. They are not abandoning their son, they are recovering physically and mentally.

Sometimes Mother Really Knows Best! Thanks for being part of PSST Jessica and Roger.

Max gave a quick update on her 2 boys, Michael and David. Michael is about to be off of probation; he has kept his job and loves to work. He has continued to attend his Nar-Anon group; he got his drivers license, and has some goals after graduation - he even said he has new friends.

Max and Mel are really proud of him - but old habits die hard. It is difficult not to be suspicious and mistrustful of Michael, but we are trying hard to keep communications open, and understand it will take some time.

Max gave a nod to Kathie from Wesley-Spectrum for her very subtly suggesting that Michael might consider a halfway house before returning home from placement. When he confronted his dad with this on the phone, Mel very calmly replied the "I am not comfortable discussing that at this time." Before Michael could persuade Mel to tell him more time ran out on the phone call and he was left contemplating what it all meant. Having our teens contemplate what they need to do to make their parents comfortable is another good tool in the PSSTool Box.

Younger son David is doing very well at his therapeutic boarding school. The family will be together at the end of this month for a little R & R and bonding, something positive we can look forward to.

Note from Rocco & Sally: Thanks for all you add to PSST Max

Daisy, who once had the honor of "most likely to weep" during her story, has turned into a POWERFUL PSST PARENT. Son Ozzie, currently at a court-ordered rehab, is doing very well with all the strictly enforced limits.

During a recent visit Ozzie asked his mom "If I relapse after I come home you're not going to call my P.O. are you?" Daisy replied "Yes, I will." Secrets keep us sick.

Even when Ozzie harangues his mom about needing a cigarette, Daisy says with confidence "I'm not comfortable with that", along with saying "I know I let you before. But now I know it was wrong. I have changed my opinion and the answer is NO". After a while, Ozzie calms down and not only apologizes to his mom, but hugs, kisses, and tells her he loves her.

What rewards Daisy has reaped! Go Daisy GO!!

Our dear friends Rocco and Sally are hopeful about their son Cisco, who is now in a new half-way house. He is grateful, and "a grateful addict won't use". Cisco still wants to know if he can come home, but Rocco and Sally aren't comfortable with a carte-blanche invitation. They feel that when Cisco comes home, it is a trigger for him to use. They need "stall tactics". Cisco has to want to recover more than his parents want it for him. He needs to be clean and successful in his current situation for a suspended period of time. They also, gently, reminded Cisco that if he had not run and stayed with his last program he would have probably completed it by February.

An idea of a Role-Play popped up.

What to say to a kid who wants to come home? How do we stall and not dash his hopes, while being honest? The following was acted out by Sally (as Cisco) and Lloyd (as Rocco):

Cisco: I really want to come home.

Rocco: Son, you read my mind. I really want you home too; but right now, I'm not comfortable with that.

Cisco: What do you mean? Don't you want me to live with you?

Rocco: I'm not comfortable with that discussion at this time.

Cisco: Dad, you know how hard I've been working to stay clean. Are you saying you will never let me live at home again?

Rocco: I am really glad you want to live with us, Son - however, I am not comfortable discussing where you will live at this time. But I will be happy to discuss it in 3 months, after you have worked your new program for a while.

The point is to let the kid know that you haven't said "never" or "forever" or even "no". You are only saying it's too soon to have this on the table for discussion. It might be that the kid cannot live home again. But we don't need to decide that while he/she is in treatment, and we certainly don't need to get into an argument about it. They need to know that there is hope for that, if all goes well.

Note to Parents from Sally & Rocco: You can't want your child's recovery more than they want it.

Candy & Aaron, have an 18 year old daughter Tori. Tori has been in placement in a recovery facility for the last 4 months because her parents were strong enough to file charges and stand up in court to save their daughter from her addiction last summer.

Tori transferred to halfway house after a good home pass for Christmas. She has been clean for 4 months but Candy considers the 9 days clean she has in the halfway house to be the real test. This is not to disregard the 4 months clean. All clean time is time for our children to grow and recover.

They said that Tori has been very good the last few months and especially on her home pass. Tori has acknowledged that returning home later may not be the best thing for her. Aaron was wondering is this the real Tori or is she manipulating them? Lloyd reminded him that even when our kids are manipulating their parents with kindness they are practicing being a nice person. A lot of times they may find that they like the feeling and the results that they achieve from being nice.

Only time will tell. Addicts are champion manipulators but they can only pretend for so long. Her time spent at the halfway house will tell.

Candy & Aaron you guys deserve the PSSTrophey this week because you have saved your daughter's life and have her heading in the right direction (and because we didn't have a PSSTrophey for you when you two were going through the court system last summer).

Jim is a PSST Dad of a 17 year old son, Andy. His wife, Cheryl, was not at the meeting because she was with Andy at an N.A. Meeting.

Andy has done very well in his recovery program - he has achieved a Level 3, has completed his high school courses with a 4.0 GPA and is about to come home.

Even though Andy completed his High School requirement he wants to return to his school and graduate. The school has set him up in a special program. Andy will be at the school but he is not allowed to ride the bus, has a special lunch period and will complete his school work on-line. He said he would also like to find a job.

At home Cheryl has taken back the power and Jim is there to
back her up and (just in case) they let Andy know that they have Lloyd
their guard dog on the leash to call out if needed!

Our probation officers and counselors are a great resource for us parents but they are most successful when they work themselves OUT OF A JOB!
PSST was developed to give the Power to the Parents.

Congratulations to Cheryl & Jim. It looks like your family is well on the road to recovery.

Our good friend Lori, is an Alumna PSST Mom of a 24 year old son Richie. Richie began using marijuana and alcohol when he was 13 and eventually progressed to heroin. By the time he was 15 they had been through inpatient programs, outpatient programs and counseling. When he was 17 Richie was arrested and Lori found PSST.

It took Richie several programs and several years to make it. Lori came to accept that he could not come home and stay clean. Eventually he left town and earned his bachelor degree and a good job. He had his ups and downs and he came to the realization that he could spend his money on drugs or on food and a bed. He had some more realizations in the last year or so such as PSST is a good thing and that he cannot do "Recreational Drugs." He realizes that he needs to stay 100% clean.

Lori reminds us to hang in there for the long ride. Do not give up if your child relapses. It might take a few years but eventually they will get it. To read more type "Lori" into the "Search This Blog" window at the top right of this page. Lori has been thoughtful enough to contribute her thoughts and feelings to the blog over the years.

Thanks Lori for showing us all that there is hope.

Lori's friend Millie has a 24 year old son Freddy who is friends with Richie. Like Richie he progressed through his teen years from marijuana and alcohol to heroin.

Last weekend Millie said he had his first breakthrough and finally understood that he cannot do this (recovery) on his own. Monday he was going through withdrawal and
attended an A.A. meeting. He went from there to Gateway intake at 1:00 a.m.

Millie is being cautiously optimistic about his recovery. He has been attending 2 meetings per week and working out in the gym.

Thanks for returning to our PSST Meeting Millie and sharing your story. We hope the best for you and your son.


THE NEXT PSST MEETING IS NEXT SATURDAY JAN 15, 2011 IN MT. LEBANON