Summary of an Informal PSST Meeting at Crazy Mocha - Oct 23, 2010 Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, October 24, 2010

Summary – Informal PSST Meeting at Mocha – October 23, 2010

Since we had two whole Saturdays without a scheduled PSST Meeting Max suggested that we try an informal PSST Meeting on Saturday. Good idea Max! We met at Crazy Mocha on Murray Av. and had some good conversation and sharing of ideas.

Five parents were able to make it. We know them on the blog as Max, Daisy, Sally & Rocco and our newest PSST Mom, Jane (see her post - A Mom’s Story – Let's Try Something Completely Different!).

Our first mom Max has two sons, David and Michael, in recovery and a supportive husband we all know as Mel. David, their younger son is doing well at an out of state boarding school.

Their older son Michael has completed his outpatient program and is doing well. Max and Mel, like a lot of us, are dealing with what are “normal” teenage behavior issues and what are addictive behaviors.

Michael asked his mom if he could have a new friend sleep over. While this is a relatively easy decision for a parent of a child without addictive behavior it can trigger an alarm for us PSST parents.

She discussed it with Mel and they told him yes on the condition that they first get to meet this new friend and talk with him first. I am sure that we can all “feel” the eye-rolling moment of silence that this resulted in... ...and that’s OK. We can endure eye-rolls and silent pauses especially when we think back to what the reaction would have been a year ago. Max said that the new friend was refreshingly pleasant and open with them and they had a nice talk. This of course “Totally Mortified” Michael but she is fairly certain that he will get over it.

Max had another surprise when she poked her head in the door and found the friend sleeping at 11:00 o’clock. Of course this was another affront to Michael that a parent would dare “check-up” on him. Mel said goodnight and had a peaceful sleep.

The next morning she committed her final transgression when she poked her head in the door once more to say a sincere “Good Morning” to the boys. When Michael protested Max asked the friend if it was okay for her to say Good Morning. He said that he didn’t mind which just seem to make Michael more irritated.

He was angry enough to soon text his mom asking her what she thought she was doing. He got a little more upset when she didn’t text him right back. She explained that she could not text him while driving and it calmed him a bit. She told him that she did not think that she did anything out of the ordinary considering his behavior for the last couple of years. It is unfortunate but our kids will need to learn that it will take us a while to learn to “trust” them and that they will need to humor us until we can.

As I noted before; after dealing with our teen’s addictive behaviors we parents tend to have our own set of triggers that unconsciously set off our defensive behaviors. This can quickly bring us back to a bad place. We need to learn to “detach or refocus” to avoid falling back into our co-dependent behaviors.

Our children didn’t become addicts overnight and unfortunately it will take a while (probably years) in recovery before we will be able to fully "feel comfortable" with them.

Thanks for calling the meeting and sharing with us Max.

Daisy is a single mom of a 15 year old son we call Ozzie. Ozzie is has been in an inpatient recovery facility under Act 53 for about 30 days. Daisy is being pro-active and is getting Ozzie onto juvenile probation before he leaves the facility and comes home. This will provide Ozzie with more restrictions and more consequences than Daisy could impose on him herself. Please note that Daisy tried for months to deal with Ozzie’s behavior on her own.

At PSST we all understand that our teens end up in placement and/or on probation because of their behavior. But we have also learned that when they toss you a nugget like “It’s all your fault that I’m in here” or “I have to listen to that #@$&-ing P.O. because of you!” reach out and grab the credit. “Yes, I guess you’re right! I did get you in here, or get you a P.O.! I did it honey because I love you. I would do anything I can to keep you from using. Thanks for understanding.”

Daisy has been practicing this skill well and it has been effective. Ozzie had a bit of a flare up last week when he wanted to talk to Daisy while she was at work and unable to deal with him at that moment. It resulted in him getting very angry. Daisy called back as soon as she could to explain that Ozzie would need to understand that she cannot drop her job instantly and respond anytime he calls. Once again she handle this issue well and defused the situation.

Daisy’s other issue is in dealing with the facility itself. She thinks it is a good facility but that they have mis-handled her son on certain issues. Secondly she feels that they have a communication problem with her and usually don’t call her until the day after Ozzie acts out. They even asked her once to come and take Ozzie home. Daisy stopped them in their tracks and told them that they are the behavioral professionals and to deal with him. Sometimes you will feel like you’re fighting not only your teen’s behavior but the facility’s or therapist’s behavior. Keep up the fight even if it means finding a new facility or new therapist. They are not always the right fit.

Keep up the good work Daisy.

Sally and Rocco’s son Cisco is 18 and relapsed in August. He was in an adult facility but walked out last weekend. He turned himself back in but cannot return there until he tests negative for drugs and alcohol. His P.O. and therapist have him in a juvenile facility until then. Following this meeting we had a phone call from him complaining about how childish the juvenile facility is and that he wants to switch to an adult program.

Sally responded very well and thanked him for calling and talking it out and not acting out impulsively but that nothing could be decided until at least Monday. Sally also told him that he has been in this facility for a week and if he transferred at this time he may end up spending an extra week or two at the next facility.

We explained that even though the counselors at the facility may think that it would be a good idea we need to get his P.O. and therapist to agree as to what his next step should be.

We also explained that it took a lot of work to get him where he is and we are not sure that it would be worth the effort to get him transferred for a relatively short period.

What it mainly comes down to is that we are all doing what we can to get him the help that we can get for him but that he needs to cooperate with us and the system and that the entire system is not going to jump through hoops because he is not satisfied.

The best part is that I only had to nudge Sally one time during the conversation.

Finally we got to talk with our newest PSST Mom, Jane. Follow the link above to her story because she tells it so much better than I can. Basically Jane is a mom of a son we named Elroy who is about to turn 18. She is working hard to get him into recovery so that he can finish out his senior year of high school and live a “normal” life. Her biggest road block at this time is her husband George. When it comes to Elroy’s recovery George is not just on a different page than Jane, he is in an entirely different book. She is making a lot of progress in a short time and is preparing to file for Act 53 if needed.

Thanks for making it to our meeting Jane. Keep on coming so we can assist you and encourage you that you can make a big difference.

This was a good way to start off our Saturday without a scheduled PSST Meeting and we would love to do it again (but not this Saturday because we are having a garage sale with the neighbors) never the less if you want to try it again let me or Sally know and we will get the invite up on the blog ASAP.

For everyone else we hope to see you at the regularly scheduled PSST Meeting at the Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg on Saturday, November 6 at 9:00 a.m.

PSST is open to all concerned parents. Come on and join us. There’s no cost or commitment. All you have to lose is a lot of anxiety, chaos, stress, tension, embarrassment and sleepless nights.

There is a lot of hope and support at PSST.



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