A Mom's Story - Let's Try Something Completely Different by a new PSST Mom Posted by:Sally--Sunday, October 24, 2010

We were happy to meet a new mom at our Gateway Squirrel Hill Parents Night a few weeks ago. She has a troubled teenage son about to turn 18 in December. She is working hard to get him into a recovery program.

To make her task harder than it all ready is; her husband constantly undermines her efforts to help their son. Not only by NOT working with her but, as an example, nagging her to turn their son’s cell phone back on so “he can let them know where he is” (which our kids never do or if they do call, they lie about where they are) or “so they can reach him” (our kids rarely answer when we call).

I appreciate that you gave me permission to use Psycho-Mom as your alias on the blog; unfortunately you would need to share it with 20 or 25 other PSST moms along with Psycho-B!%ch and Psycho-Woman. So we are going to try the alias’ Jane “The Psycho-Mom” (you), Elroy (your troubled son) and George (the less than cooperative husband). If you would like different names feel free to let us know.

We really appreciate that Jane came to our first informal PSST Meeting at Crazy Mocha on Murray Av on Saturday. It was so good to get a chance to talk with her and especially to listen to her. Please keep attending the PSST meetings Jane (as well as the Gateway Parents Night) so we can continue to assist and assure you that you are doing the right thing.

Jane explained to us that her son Elroy was recently caught with marijuana in school which will result in a hearing at juvenile court. She is afraid that his hearing may come too late to get him into the juvenile system before his 18th birthday.

But let's listen to Jane tell the story of what has happened since she started to take the power back in her home......

Jane’s Story – Let's Try Something Completely Different!

Talk about a DUH moment......

The cell phone and the Internet have been the bane of my existence. We have been round and round about the cell phone in particular. I have spent more time talking to Sprint over the last two years than talking to some family members. I feel in many ways the phone has enabled my son to continue down the wrong path. I have also become extremely agitated when I try and contact my son by phone or text and he does not respond.

We have gone down the road of excuses that "my battery died, something must have been wrong with my phone, there must have been a problem with the reception", blah, blah blah......

This has led me to turn off the phone numerous times, only to turn around and turn it back on due to my being worn to the nub by my son, or being guilted into turning it back on by family and their questioning...."what if he is in trouble???....he won't be able to call us."

Never mind the fact that we pay for the phone, it should be a privilege, not a birth rite......AND HE NEVER CALLS US BACK ANYWAY!!

The suggestion??

Turn off the text messaging!

Since the texting is how the "plans" are most often made (not wanting to have others overhear the conversation) that solves that problem (or at least makes it more difficult). As far as being able to "reach us in an emergency", well, he still has the ability to do just that.

Only being able to make phone calls also enables the "CSI Wanna-be" in me to be able to access the phone numbers that are being called......I am sure my son is certainly aware of that fact.

So, an hour after our PSST meeting, the text messaging was disabled on my son's phone......which leads me to the next "A-HA" moment......

"I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT......Nonetheless......”

True to form and what I knew I was in for......my son, Elroy, comes home after being gone all night with:

Elroy: "You need to turn back on my text messaging!".

Jane: "No, I don't feel comfortable doing that".

Elroy: "I need my texting"

Jane:"Actually, there is a big difference between needing and wanting, nonetheless, I don't feel comfortable doing that".

Elroy: "You’re "crazy" (hence the Psycho-Mom pen name), I told you where I was last night!"

Jane: "Actually, you left a text on your brother's phone, but none the less, I don't feel comfortable doing that and my answer is still, NO"

"Leading to my next lesson......ASK ME AGAIN......"

Fifteen minutes later, Elroy rung the bell for Round 2......I am sure that his previous pause was to fortify himself with "ploys that have worked in the past" from the notebook I am sure he keeps hidden from sight......

Elroy: "You need to turn my texting back on."

Jane: "As I said before, I don't feel comfortable doing that."

Elroy: "You really need to turn that back on, I need it."

Jane: (calmly)"You seem to be having trouble hearing or understanding what I am saying, so please ask me again."

Elroy: "So, are you going to turn my texting back on?"

Jane: "Please ask me again."

Elroy: "So are you going to turn my texting on or what?"

Jane: (stepping a bit closer and looking him in the eye..and in a calm voice repeating), "Ask me again".

Elroy: (looking perplexed and angry at the same time): "Are you serious......for real????"

With that he walked away......no yelling......no stomping......no gnashing of teeth......

Believe me, the fat lady has not yet sung her swan song, but......

I felt a bit stronger and encouraged that I didn't continue to engage in a futile conversation and I left the bait dangling from his hook, something that has been very difficult for me to do......

I am sure this new approach will continue to be a work in progress.

I just wanted to say that the support and the experiences of the group and the postings I have read on the PSST web site have been wonderful.

I know we have a journey ahead of us, but utilizing some of the suggestions that been offered has really given me the opportunity to take a long deserved deep breath!

Thank you all, and will see you Tuesday!

God Bless!

Sally and Rocco's Note: Thanks for sharing Jane. It was good to see you on Saturday. It is so important for you to understand that you do have the ability to take back control of your home, your life and your sanity. It doesn't happen instantly but you are well on your way.

It is so good that you shared your experience here so others can see that they can do it also.

Trying new parenting skills is not always comfortable or easy but at the same time we realize that what we have been doing doesn't work. We look forward to seeing you at the Gateway Meetings and the PSST Meetings.

Please Note at the next PSST Meeting on Saturday November 6 in Wilkinsburg we hope to do a Juvenile Court Role Play. PSST is open to all concerned parents. There is no cost and no commitment.
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