This question came in from a parent.
How much money should a teenager contribute towards day to day home expenses?
After a little thought, what seemed to be an easy question got a complicated real quick (doesn't it always). The following was my reply. What else should be considered? What did I get wrong? What did I forget? Any personal successes or failures in this area that you want to share? This is a great opportunity to leave comments to help those who cannot attend the meetings.
The answer is complicated because there are so many factors to consider:
- Where is the teen working? For example, at a church or a restaurant that sells alcohol?
- Why is the teen working? Spending money, college fund, family support,pay back of expenses to the family, restitution?
- When is the teen working? 3-5 after school? 11-2 AM?
- Is work a location where old friends will be? Is work a place where theteen used or purchased drugs?
- How much money does the teen make? Is the teen accountable for how themoney is spent?
- How does work impact attending 12 step meetings?
- Is a car required?
- Is the job really code for unsupervised time away?
- All that being said, making payment to support the household is a very positive, symbolic step.
3 comments:
Good questions to consider. A teen can get a pretty good feeling about making a contribution to the household. A teen can feel like it really matters that they help. Or, on the other hand, he can feel that it is such a paltry amount that it doesn't really matter. Charge enough so that it really matters. Otherwise, you steal from the teen that chance to feel like those payments help out.
Perhaps you could have the teen pay a household bill if you have one that is the right amount. The cable bill is a good one if they can afford it because they probably watch a good bit of TV. Also, when other family members watch TV they can know that they themselves are providing that important service. If possible, let them actually be responsible for paying the bill on time so that if it's late it's their responsibility. Some teens couldn't handle that much responsibility so you have to know your teenager.
Parents often feel quilty charging their teenagers or even charging their adult children any type of rent or allow them to make any contribution. This is sad, that the parent's guilt deprives the teen from getting that feeling like they are really helping out.
One solution is for the parent to put part of the money the teen pays, or even all of it, into an account. When the teen moves out, and if the teen is still not using drugs, give all the money in the account back to the teenager. You don't have to tell the teenager that you are doing this- it actually works better if you surprise them later. It allows the parent to not feel guilty about letting the teenager help out and it still allows the teen to feel good about making a contribution- a win win for everyone.
My son's challenges with drugs were not that he was using, but he was the dealer.
I am worried that by asking for a contribution that he may return to that lifestyle. His excuse for dealing was that we did not have enough money, he wanted money and he found a way to get it.....
Currently I am monitoring his every move and trying to involve him in as much supervised community service as I can while I am out of the house. He is beginning to rebell
Any thoughts....?
You might contact your local police - tell them what's going on and ask for an Officer to come to the house and speak with your son. Surprise your Son. Tell your son that you would rather see him arrested then get away with selling drugs. You have to mean that or he won't believe you.
See if the local police can bring a drug sniffing dog to your house. Hopefully, they don't find drugs but by bringing the dog in your message to your son would be clear: "Don't bring drugs into our house because we will turn you in!" Teens listen to our actions not to our words.
I like the close supervision and the community service but if he is starting to rebell it might be time to bring your message to him to another level.
As far as the money goes, it's probably not about you not giving him any money. Even if you gave a liberal allowance it can't compare to what he might make selling drugs. That is his excuse but it is not the real reason. Whether or not he contributes to the household bills is the smaller issue. The larger issue is what messages that you send him that selling drugs is unnacceptable.
One last thing. Do you urine screen him? A lot of drug users also use some sort of drugs themselves.
Post a Comment