Once we got the morning thing straightened out we suddenly had a homework problem. After my nephew's ball game he came home with us and refused to do his homework. For one thing we told him we wanted it done before he got a night time snack. He started yelling and it was obvious that he was yelling to be noticed and in an attempt to intimidate us. We tried to ignore him. He got louder and louder and came into the kitchen and started slamming his hands on the table. That's when I reached my limit.
I took him by the shoulders and asked him if he would settle down or else would he like to go upstairs with me. He immediately got louder. So I took him upstairs. He is a big boy. I'm not sure my wife could do it this same way although I didn't so much carry him as I did just inch him up the steps to the bedroom.
Once in the bedroom he continued to scream and yell even louder. He also tried to get out of the bedroom but I was standing by the door. When he tried to squeeze past me I just hugged him. He was angry and told me to get away from him. I reminded him that he was coming to me- I wasn't coming to him- I thought he must want a hug.
He kept yelling that he was hungry. I reinterated our stance- no homework- no snack. He tried to turn the TV on. I reinterated our stance on that- no homework- no TV. I told him to go to bed and I would get him up at 5:00 AM to do his homework. I could see that he didn't like that.
His primary manipulative strategy was to yell me into submission. I kind of egged him on a little in that regard. I pretended that I couldn't hear him and I ask him to speak up because I know he is oppositinal defiant to the point where me telling him to yell louder is going to make him want to not yell. He yelled pretty loudly for about 20 minutes. Then he started to cry. Why so sad I asked him, after all, he got his way- he didn't do his homework. He said he wanted to do his homework now. I said, "Well, ya, but how do I know you won't come downstairs and start yelling again?" He assured me he was done with the yelling, he just wanted to do his homework. He appeared all yelled out and his whole demenor had changed. He was no longer trying to yell me into submission but he was wishing that he could have got that home work done.
This is the difference in my book from punishment and disclipline. I only want to use enough power to get his behavior within limits. That's all. If I was trying to punish him I would have sent him to bed or made him stay in his room a certain lenth of time "so that he could learn a lesson." I think he did learn the lesson. The lesson was that his yelling doesn't work. So, I told him he could come downstairs whenever he felt that he could controll himself and I went downstairs.
Five minutes later he came downstairs. My wife did homework with him. Only took 15 minutes. Then he had Chicken Nuggets, one of his favorites. I made small talk with him. He seemed to bear no resentment. He declined desert and said that he was very tired and could he go to sleep. We said sure brush teeth and go to bed but remember that you will get up and go to school on time in the morning. He said he would. And he did. The next morning was no problem at all.
Our nephew seems to have two different personalities. He is the sweetest most polite kid around or he is angry, defiant, and intimidating. He snaps between the two instantly. Our goal is to reward the first one and either ignore or restrict him on the other.
One of the things that I did not do was try to yell back at him. It was not necessary and the resentment that would creep into the relationship would be intense. If you find that you are yelling at your child to control him, read this article: Researchers Have Shown that Yelling at Kids Can Have Long Lasting and Detrimental Consequences.
Just wondering if any parents reading this blog can think back to when their child was 8 years old. Had the trouble already started? Was he demanding, pushy, and intimidating in order to get his own way? Leave us a comment about that please.
I see a connection between these kids at from 8 to 10 years old and the teens that they grow into. At some point they learn that they can get what they want by defiance and intimdation. By the time they are 12 and start to experiment with drugs they are already well on their way to being almost impossible to handle.
Note: the image is from licensed CreataCard Software.
Nephew Part II. Punishment verses disclipine (and Homework.)
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, May 15, 2009
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4 comments:
This was my favorite part: "When he tried to squeeze past me I just hugged him. He was angry and told me to get away from him. I reminded him that he was coming to me- I wasn't coming to him- I thought he must want a hug."
It's hard not to get angry and loose control in that sort of situation. Hugging him might have been what helped him get to his real emotion, which he showed when he started to cry.
well done!
Your definately taking me back to when my now 17 year old son(who is now in his second rehab) was a little boy...First with the not wanting to go to school even as far back as kindergarten (and I must admit, I used bribery to get him there, there was a small store by our bus stop and I promised him a sticker from the machine in the store when we got there..it worked, but in the long run I see, it probably wasn't the right way) He would also act out as just a little boy, when he was sent to his room, he would throw his stuffed animals, pillows, blankets down the stairs...I have 3 other children 16, 8, and 6 and they all love going to school and don't act out in the ways my oldest son did..with him the struggle did start early and still goes on today.
I think this "hug" thing can also be used with adults? It is a great way to diffuse even the big kids!
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