WHAT DO YOU THINK? - The following letter (credited to Nar-Anon) was read at our Gateway YYAP family session. It led to some lively discussion by the teens and their parents. 
So What Do You Think? Send in your thoughts and opinion in the comment section at the bottom of this post or to sallyservives@gmail.com
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FAMILY
I am a drug addict. I need help -- from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from an addict who found recovery in Narcotics Anonymous, and from God.
Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you.
Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue -- whether I am high or loaded or not. It may make you feel better, but it will make the situation worse.
Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents me from keeping them, even though I mean them at the time I make them. Promises are only my way of postponing pain. Don't keep switching agreements; If an agreement is made -- stick to it
Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and destroy any possibility of you helping me.
Don't allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.
Don't cover up for me or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the current crisis, but it will make my illness worse.
Above all, Don't run away from reality as I do. Drug [or alcohol] dependence, my illness, gets worse as the using continues. Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery [yours as well as mine]. Find Nar-Anon [or PSST] whose group exist to help the families of drug-abusers.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Cisco's comment: Some of the parents felt there were too many "Don'ts" in the letter for them and not enough for their teen. I found this as a good message for all parents, and families, of addicts to end their codependent behavior. Dwelling on your addicted loved one's issues all of your busy days and all of your sleepless nights can ruin your health, your marriage and your family.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, July 05, 2011
It's Official, Bam Bam is Coming Home - Written by Wilma
Posted by:Sally--Monday, June 27, 2011
It's official, after 8 weeks at Bedrock Manor Bam Bam is coming home on Friday.
According to his counselor he has done wonderfully. She told us that when he first came she didn't think he was going to make it but he turned things around. I think once he realized that all of his efforts trying to get kicked out to come home were only going to get him sent somewhere else he decided to figure out what he had to do to come home. And that day has arrived.
He didn't get his off-grounds pass today because he had a tier (sanction) for an altercation with one of the other boys that involved pushing and shoving. I don't think punching was involved. It was enough to negate all the good stuff he did up to that point so that his "percentage" wasn't high enough.
And still he is coming home.
We had our last family meeting so that we could go over rules for when he comes home. He spent a lot of the time arguing over his cell phone. He still is determined to continue his relationship with his drug-dealing "friend" Eddie. The counselor told him again that it is up to us to determine if and when Bam sees Eddie. Eddie is supposed to come over to our house, convince us he is o.k. and will not sabotage Bam's recovery.
If I go to see Eddie's dad; I'm not to go in ‘gun’s blazing’ about the illegal activity in his house. I am supposed to talk about the fact that Bam Bam just got out of rehab and to aim at making sure their house is safe for him. In the meeting when I expressed my feelings about Eddie Bam Bam told all of us that he will just use then if he can't see his old buddy. We finished up with more of the rules and then time was up.
I am sure once Bam Bam has his freedom back he is going to do what he did before and sneak around with this kid. I decided on the way home that maybe my statements that I will never approve of Eddie and I don't trust him, etc, etc, are driving my son to want his "friendship" even more. So, I decided not to do that anymore (well, I'm going to try).
As the counselor tells us we are his parents not his jailors and that eventually Bam Bam will be back out in the world. I'm not convinced he's ready for it but I don't have any choice. Bam's dad will go along with whatever is recommended.
After the usual insurance hassles (we could not get the highly recommended dual dx counselor) we have psychiatrist and counseling appointments the first week he is home. On the recommendation of his counselor there should be a little relaxation of rules for special occasions so Bam Bam is going out on July 4th (3 days after discharge) with the best of the bunch friend (he's used with everyone so I don't really trust any of them).
Now, in the not too distant past he would go out with this kid but end up coming home with someone else or needing a ride from a random neighborhood (we just found out that it was because he was hanging out at Eddie's and didn't want his dad to know; even though I was 99% sure this was the case but then remember I am TOO suspicious).
I am just hoping for the best.
After the family counseling meeting it was time for our last family programming meeting. The counselor who was running the meeting gave each family a large piece of white paper and a marker and starting with the kids they had to do a timeline of their life up until yesterday. They were to put down different milestones in their lives.
Then they had to add on the timeline when they started to use, times they used, what they used. I was sick when I learned that in addition to the weed and acid (and suspected huffing) I knew about, Bam Bam has also tried (he may have been downplaying his use on these) ecstasy and 'shrooms. Knowing this explains to me even more of his behaviors prior to going to the psych hospital in December 2010.
Then the parents had to put on the timeline any family events that were going on during these times. Interestingly, all of the really bad stuff had happened when Bam Bam was younger. The only thing closer to when the using started in July of 2009 (he had the official day) was that his dad had retired the year before. The counselor then went around to each family group to discuss the timelines. He suggested maybe Bam Bam was having delayed reactions to the tragedies but Bam said he was just bored.
Who knows?
While we were doing this exercise Bam Bam told us he isn't going to any meetings until he gets his phone back because he needs to get numbers from people at the meetings. We told him he can still go to meetings anyway. He is still going to have restrictions on his phone. I have a feeling he isn't going to follow through with the 7 meetings in 7 days for 90 days recommendation but I am hoping that I am wrong.
We met another family at the placement where the dad used to work with Bam's dad. The past couple of weeks when we were leaving family programming we chatted for a little while with this couple. It's amazing how many similarities these boys have. And they have become friends.
Last night was interesting because two topics came up that Fred and I are on opposite poles about.
The first was, the other dad was talking about his son's friend had stolen his bike and sold it to someone else. The dad confronted the thief and told him get the back or he was calling 911. Lo and behold the kid got the bike back.
Fred then proceeded to tell him Bam's story about how his BMX bike ended up at the police station because he had left it at one friend's house, then another friend took it and was chased by the cops and the bike was taken to the station.
WELL, I called the police station and they DO NOT HAVE THIS BIKE. Fred, even in the face of this evidence, believes Bam Bam's story. New dad told Fred "he sold that bike." Which is what I think happened. Fred didn't say a word.
The other story was about driving. Our boys are both 17. New dad was saying that he would drug test his son and the kid could only drive (still just has a permit) if the test was clean (he did very well, actually). He said he wasn't taking a chance on this kid testing positive and having an accident that could possibly be very bad and he didn't want a situation where the other party would sue them over and above what the insurance company would pay.
I had just had a conversation with Fred that if Bam eventually got his license (he doesn't have a permit yet) and I didn't want Bam on my insurance and that he would have to have his own car in his own name.
Fred thought this was terrible, it would be so expensive, that's what we have insurance for and I'm being unreasonable. I even called the insurance company and, even though it may not happen a lot, it can happen that we could be sued over and above what the insurance would pay in the event of a catastrophic accident.
Again, Fred didn't say anything but I was glad he heard these viewpoints from someone OTHER than me. And of course he hasn't brought it up since but that is his way-not to talk about anything that bothers him.
Anyway, as you may have guessed I am not jumping for joy that Bam Bam is coming home. I am worried about the plan. He is supposed to have a daily structure and I can see Fred not enforcing it. And again, once he is out in the community I am really worried he is going to use again. He will not be back in group outpatient so he won't be making any deals with other kids like he did before. However, if he does relapse he knows he will go right back to inpatient rehab.
Ready or not, here we go...
Wilma
PSST Parents (George & Gracie) Stand Firm - written by George
Posted by:Jenn--Monday, June 27, 2011
Wow!! This is not easy, nor is it fun, but it is faith driven and brings one to communicate fervently to their God. I am talking about the effect of my son Ronnie's drug abuse on our lives.
On Wednesday, June 14, our son Ronnie, after not allowing him back home and after his boss told him to get help or she would press charges against him for stealing money at work, admitted himself into a transition drug rehabilitation living center. He hated it, but my wife and I looked at it as a haven to stop him from using, i.e., clean time. “What a relief!” was our first reply, and good feelings started flowing again inside my body.
Friday rolled around and Ronnie had packed his suitcase and walked out of the rehab center, traveling down the sidewalk with his large suitcase in tow. This luggage was stuffed with his clothes, and all of his other belongings. He made it to a street corner nearby, and after asking a woman if he could use her cell phone, called, guess who, his father and said, “Dad, come and get me.” I said, “Huh, what did you say, where are you, what happened?” Ronnie said, “I hate that place, they just sit around and are afraid to move, you have to say you are getting up every time you leave the room or change locations, just to let someone know you are moving around. Etc., etc.” Looking up from my breakfast plate to my wife for advice, Gracie said, “Tell him to walk back to the rehab center.” So I did ... “No, I can’t do that. I don’t even know where I am.” “Well, will you go back if I come over there?” Ronnie said, “Yes, come and get me.”
So I left for somewhere. I had not gotten the address location, so I called the anonymous cell phone number back, and the kind woman gave me the exact street corner where she talked to him. OK, I was focused on this location and knew exactly where he was. Many thoughts raced through my mind, especially what to do when I got there. I immediately told my wife that I was not going to appear in my white car to save him, but must park a distance away so that he had no chance to escape this one.
On the way over I saw a billboard for drug rehab centers, along with their logo. I kept this in mind as I drove. I parked only a half-block away and walked to the hotel where Ronnie was sitting in the lobby. He saw me and said, “Oh, Thank God.” When we got outside he said, “Where is the car?” I said, “We are walking back.” “We can’t walk back, it’s too far and this suitcase is heavy.” I said, “I’ll carry it”. Ronnie barked, “No, I’m not going!” I said, “Well, we will just sit here till you decide to go back.” He walked away, leaving me with the suitcase. I just relaxed and sat next to the suitcase. He returned almost immediately. We bickered back and forth for awhile until it dawned on me what was happening. I calmed down and said, “OK, then we will find a new placement. Did the rehab center give you a list of other places where you could go?” Ronnie, “Mumble, mumble…”
As I looked around I saw a hospital across the street with a familiar logo. Yes!!! They have rehab centers. I told Ronnie that they have rehab services there and we will walk there. Guess who carried the suitcase. Good Old Dad!! The hospital staff was very helpful and as we talked to the social worker there, Ronnie was again trying to convince her that he did not have a Drug Problem. We were getting nowhere until I brought up the reason that we just needed to know the phone number of any drug rehab center where we could enroll Ronnie.
So Ronnie said, “Oh that’s all you need, well here then,” as he pulled out a paper with the names and phone numbers of 5 or 6 behavioral health service centers. Ronnie was familiar with one of the names, let's call it Rehab Two, so that’s the one we called first. We explained our story and that I refused to let him come into our house again until he got help. We were referred to an advocate, who somehow after back and forth phone calls about health insurance and drug use with Ronnie, got him into the program.
We met the advocate at the hotel, explained the situation, mentioning about Ronnie's drug use again, the trouble at his place of employment, and his boss’s ultimatum that either he got help or she was going to press charges against him for stealing money, and that Lloyd Woodward had been in touch with us. The advocate knew Lloyd well, and soon thereafter she asked me to take Ronnie to the local Rehab Two inpatient services. I agreed and off we went to their office. While sitting there waiting to be picked up by a transport van to go to Rehab Two, Ronnie was still trying to convince a visitor that he did not have a drug abuse problem. The rest is still drug rehab history in the making.
Well for now he is safe and off the drugs (marijuana and other unknowns). We are still not home yet, but on our way. Thanks to many loving and caring persons on earth and in heaven.
HOW TO END ENABLING
Posted by:Rocco--Monday, June 27, 2011
ENABLING: WHAT'S THAT?
Enabling is a behavior practiced by well meaning family members and friends of addicts that achive the exact opposite results of their actual intentions. Another definition I read was "Trying to be helpful or useful in some way, but often producing a negative effect or result."
While searching for some information I came across a web site called eGetGoing that has a good explanation of what enabling is, its effects and how to change your enabling behavior. Following is the "Reader's Digest" version
For the entire article click on eGetGoing - Enabling
ENABLING: WHO ME?
When family, friends, and associates of a chemically dependent individual allow that individual to continue the addiction to alcohol or drugs, their behavior is called enabling. When repeated, enabling behaviors become ingrained in the chemically dependent person's family, job, or social structures.
MEANING WELL: THE ORIGINS OF ENABLING
We often begin enabling in an attempt to be kind and helpful. For example, we may wake someone so they are not late to work. By doing so, we help them avoid the consequences of oversleeping because they were using or drinking late into the night before. We loan addicts money, often over and over again, and we are surprised when they use it to buy more drugs or alcohol.
Enablers may have their own system of denial that is fed by the lies and deceptions addicts use to cover up their using.
EXAMPLES OF ENABLING
Examples of enabling behaviors include:
- Making excuses for the addict/alcoholic (calling their boss to say they are sick with the flu, when they are really hung over, or referring to your teenager's drug use as 'just a phase')
- Paying their bills (including legal fees)
- Bailing them out of jail / paying their court cost or restitution / paying their fines
- Making rationalizations for their irresponsible behaviors
- Ignoring the problems caused by the addict's use (financial, employment, legal, social, family)
- Cleaning up their messes
- Accepting their excuses or believing their lies
- Not discussing the problem of their chemical use
- Not getting help for yourself
As addicts/alcoholics are rescued from the consequences of their using and drinking, they learn to rely on their enablers to continue their addiction.
Enabling behaviors can be changed, and recovery is possible even if the chemically dependent person does not seek help.
HOW TO CHANGE ENABLING BEHAVIOR
When we begin to identify and change our behaviors, they don't just disappear all at once.
Recovery and changing takes time and practice, practice, practice.
With this in mind, we can look at some examples of changing enabling behaviors.
- Stop making excuses to others for situations or problems that are caused by the drinking and using of the alcoholic or addict. Do not phone the employer to excuse him/her from work. Do not make up stories to others about why the addict/alcoholic was unable to keep obligations such as showing up for the family reunion or missing appointments.
- Refuse to lie. This includes Not Keeping Secrets.
- Do not clean up their mess. If the chemically dependent person makes a mess, such as being physically ill or tearing up the living room, do not clean it up. Allow them to see the damage and result of their actions.
- Do not bail them out of jail / pay their fines, court cost, restitution or legal fees [including children under the age of 18]
- Do not pay bills you are not responsible in areas that do not affect your safety or basic well being. Do not pay for the new TV, cell phone service, iPod he/she purchased.
- Do not continue useless arguments. Go to a movie, take a walk, read a good book, or go to a support group meeting [see the PSST Meeting Schedule].
- Do not make threats you are not 100% willing to back up with appropriate actions. Example: Do that again and I will call the police! or One more time and you're out of here!
- Have a calm and Quiet discussion as possible.If safe and appropriate, discuss your concern with the person in a non-emotional way. If your teen gets loud, beligerent or threatening get up and leave at once.
- Find a support system. This may include [PSST], Al-Anon, CoDA, Nar-Anon, a sponsor, codependency treatment, private therapy or counseling, a spiritual advisor or minister, or trustworthy friends.
When you begin to change your enabling behaviors it is helpful to have a sponsor in an organization such as Al-Anon, or a private counselor or therapist, who is familiar with your individual circumstances.
They can be key to achieving positive changes in you.
PLEASE COME TO OUR PARENT SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING [PSST] MEETINGS TO DISCUSS THIS AND OTHER ISSUES – WE ARE HERE TO SUPPOERT YOU, THE PARENTS, AT NO COST AND NO OBLIGATION.
Just for Today - That's Good Enough written by Violet
Posted by:Sally--Monday, June 27, 2011
JUST FOR TODAY ~ By Violet
As I return from another placement to visit Sal, I am full of emotion, again. Nothing in my upbringing has prepared me for this battle which I am in. These waters for me are uncharted. Doubt creeps in, dulling my senses. There is no certainty of success only trial and error. It's just that the errors in this fight can bring death and I am so fearful of that end for my child. At times I feel I am the Lone (or maybe Lonely) Ranger in this struggle. I sure could use Tonto, right about now.
Sal’s new rehab is YFC#3 in Trough Creek State Park about 2 ½ -3 hours from here. It is surrounded by the forest and lakes, quite scenic. The program is different than the others he’s been to, and I am hopeful that will be a good thing for him. They seem to focus on the body as well as the mind.
When I see Sal, the first time in 3 weeks, he hugs me. No, I mean with his arms around me not at his side and his body stiff as a statue. I felt life in him as we hugged. It’s been years since I felt that. Of course I do what mothers of addicts do best, cry. But this time is was not out of sadness.
We talked a little about his recovery in the beginning but I have learned not to make every moment a teachable one. I find, at times, I learn more by watching his mannerism and listening to his thoughts which I am pleased to say he had some. My gut, which is my best gauge, tells me he was being real. And for today that is good enough.
He has gained some weight and I can no longer see the bones in his face. His eyes are crystal clear with a spark in them as we talked of his goals. He looked me in the eye when we talked. He was respectful and thankful that I came.
This is not the child I once knew, nor is it the addict I have come to know so well, but someone who is just developing.
I know I have heard these things before but something is different about him, in a good way. I do understand it is easier in treatment than on the outside but I liked what I saw and more importantly what I felt and for today that’s good enough.
No this isn’t the life I dreamed for us. I wallow in that now and then. I cry for the memories we missed. I cry that we only have each other. I cry for the people we have lost in this battle. I cry out of fear and uncertainty.
But today I cry out of happiness. And once again, for today that’s just good enough.
Violet
