I am happy to say, as a result, I have devoured 2 adult novels over the last few weeks!
One of them in particular resonated so strongly with me, that I want to let others know what a great read it is. It is called "Lit" by Mary Karr.
It is Mary Karr's memoir (a true account) of her life during the time she started recovery from alcoholism. This sounds like a downer, and maybe we all have had enough of this type account. NEVERTHELESS.... it is very funny - Ms. Karr has a razor sharp wit, and she continually demonstrates how skewed her perspective of things were when she was drinking.
Her humor is self-deprecating, and she paints a very interesting portrait of her marriage, school, friendships, and employment through her un-sober eyes. As she gains clarity through sobriety, she shares how that skewed perspective straightens out. She also demonstrates clearly how having a reliable circle of sober friends, a sponsor, and a "higher power" helped her recover.
It is the latter that is a running theme through the book.
A self-described agnostic, she resists the "higher power thing" because she feels hypocritical, silly, uncomfortable, you name it. But very slowly she starts to "let go" when she realizes through her support team that she will move forward if she allows herself to believe the "higher power thing".
This is not about God or religion, but about learning to let go, and realizing you are not in control.
As a parent who works very hard not to enable, we have our own issues with letting go. It was fascinating to read how this cynical non-believer came to believe, while literally laughing out loud at her descriptions of her situation.
By the way - this was a New York Times Book of the Year for 2009!
"Lit: A Memoir" by Mary Karr
2009 Harper-Collins Publishers
Mary Karr’s bestselling memoir is one of the most critically acclaimed books of 2009 —— Lit is about getting drunk and getting sober; becoming a mother by letting go of a mother; learning to write by learning to live.
Click here to see a video of Mary Karr on "Lit" and her "nervous breakthrough"
A BOOK SUGGESTION BY MAX
Posted by:Sally--Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A Mom's Story - Let's Try Something Completely Different by a new PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Sunday, October 24, 2010
We were happy to meet a new mom at our Gateway Squirrel Hill Parents Night a few weeks ago. She has a troubled teenage son about to turn 18 in December. She is working hard to get him into a recovery program.
To make her task harder than it all ready is; her husband constantly undermines her efforts to help their son. Not only by NOT working with her but, as an example, nagging her to turn their son’s cell phone back on so “he can let them know where he is” (which our kids never do or if they do call, they lie about where they are) or “so they can reach him” (our kids rarely answer when we call).
I appreciate that you gave me permission to use Psycho-Mom as your alias on the blog; unfortunately you would need to share it with 20 or 25 other PSST moms along with Psycho-B!%ch and Psycho-Woman. So we are going to try the alias’ Jane “The Psycho-Mom” (you), Elroy (your troubled son) and George (the less than cooperative husband). If you would like different names feel free to let us know.
We really appreciate that Jane came to our first informal PSST Meeting at Crazy Mocha on Murray Av on Saturday. It was so good to get a chance to talk with her and especially to listen to her. Please keep attending the PSST meetings Jane (as well as the Gateway Parents Night) so we can continue to assist and assure you that you are doing the right thing.
Jane explained to us that her son Elroy was recently caught with marijuana in school which will result in a hearing at juvenile court. She is afraid that his hearing may come too late to get him into the juvenile system before his 18th birthday.
But let's listen to Jane tell the story of what has happened since she started to take the power back in her home......
Jane’s Story – Let's Try Something Completely Different!
Talk about a DUH moment......
The cell phone and the Internet have been the bane of my existence. We have been round and round about the cell phone in particular. I have spent more time talking to Sprint over the last two years than talking to some family members. I feel in many ways the phone has enabled my son to continue down the wrong path. I have also become extremely agitated when I try and contact my son by phone or text and he does not respond.
We have gone down the road of excuses that "my battery died, something must have been wrong with my phone, there must have been a problem with the reception", blah, blah blah......
This has led me to turn off the phone numerous times, only to turn around and turn it back on due to my being worn to the nub by my son, or being guilted into turning it back on by family and their questioning...."what if he is in trouble???....he won't be able to call us."
Never mind the fact that we pay for the phone, it should be a privilege, not a birth rite......AND HE NEVER CALLS US BACK ANYWAY!!
The suggestion??
Turn off the text messaging!
Since the texting is how the "plans" are most often made (not wanting to have others overhear the conversation) that solves that problem (or at least makes it more difficult). As far as being able to "reach us in an emergency", well, he still has the ability to do just that.
Only being able to make phone calls also enables the "CSI Wanna-be" in me to be able to access the phone numbers that are being called......I am sure my son is certainly aware of that fact.
So, an hour after our PSST meeting, the text messaging was disabled on my son's phone......which leads me to the next "A-HA" moment......
"I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT......Nonetheless......”
True to form and what I knew I was in for......my son, Elroy, comes home after being gone all night with:
Elroy: "You need to turn back on my text messaging!".
Jane: "No, I don't feel comfortable doing that".
Elroy: "I need my texting"
Jane:"Actually, there is a big difference between needing and wanting, nonetheless, I don't feel comfortable doing that".
Elroy: "You’re "crazy" (hence the Psycho-Mom pen name), I told you where I was last night!"
Jane: "Actually, you left a text on your brother's phone, but none the less, I don't feel comfortable doing that and my answer is still, NO"
"Leading to my next lesson......ASK ME AGAIN......"
Fifteen minutes later, Elroy rung the bell for Round 2......I am sure that his previous pause was to fortify himself with "ploys that have worked in the past" from the notebook I am sure he keeps hidden from sight......
Elroy: "You need to turn my texting back on."
Jane: "As I said before, I don't feel comfortable doing that."
Elroy: "You really need to turn that back on, I need it."
Jane: (calmly)"You seem to be having trouble hearing or understanding what I am saying, so please ask me again."
Elroy: "So, are you going to turn my texting back on?"
Jane: "Please ask me again."
Elroy: "So are you going to turn my texting on or what?" 
Jane: (stepping a bit closer and looking him in the eye..and in a calm voice repeating), "Ask me again".
Elroy: (looking perplexed and angry at the same time): "Are you serious......for real????"
With that he walked away......no yelling......no stomping......no gnashing of teeth......
Believe me, the fat lady has not yet sung her swan song, but......
I felt a bit stronger and encouraged that I didn't continue to engage in a futile conversation and I left the bait dangling from his hook, something that has been very difficult for me to do......
I am sure this new approach will continue to be a work in progress.
I just wanted to say that the support and the experiences of the group and the postings I have read on the PSST web site have been wonderful.
I know we have a journey ahead of us, but utilizing some of the suggestions that been offered has really given me the opportunity to take a long deserved deep breath!
Thank you all, and will see you Tuesday!
God Bless!
Sally and Rocco's Note: Thanks for sharing Jane. It was good to see you on Saturday. It is so important for you to understand that you do have the ability to take back control of your home, your life and your sanity. It doesn't happen instantly but you are well on your way.
It is so good that you shared your experience here so others can see that they can do it also.
Trying new parenting skills is not always comfortable or easy but at the same time we realize that what we have been doing doesn't work. We look forward to seeing you at the Gateway Meetings and the PSST Meetings.
Please Note at the next PSST Meeting on Saturday November 6 in Wilkinsburg we hope to do a Juvenile Court Role Play. PSST is open to all concerned parents. There is no cost and no commitment.
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Summary of an Informal PSST Meeting at Crazy Mocha - Oct 23, 2010
Posted by:Rocco--Sunday, October 24, 2010
Summary – Informal PSST Meeting at Mocha – October 23, 2010
Since we had two whole Saturdays without a scheduled PSST Meeting Max suggested that we try an informal PSST Meeting on Saturday. Good idea Max! We met at Crazy Mocha on Murray Av. and had some good conversation and sharing of ideas.
Five parents were able to make it. We know them on the blog as Max, Daisy, Sally & Rocco and our newest PSST Mom, Jane (see her post - A Mom’s Story – Let's Try Something Completely Different!).
Our first mom Max has two sons, David and Michael, in recovery and a supportive husband we all know as Mel. David, their younger son is doing well at an out of state boarding school.
Their older son Michael has completed his outpatient program and is doing well. Max and Mel, like a lot of us, are dealing with what are “normal” teenage behavior issues and what are addictive behaviors.
Michael asked his mom if he could have a new friend sleep over. While this is a relatively easy decision for a parent of a child without addictive behavior it can trigger an alarm for us PSST parents.
She discussed it with Mel and they told him yes on the condition that they first get to meet this new friend and talk with him first. I am sure that we can all “feel” the eye-rolling moment of silence that this resulted in... ...and that’s OK. We can endure eye-rolls and silent pauses especially when we think back to what the reaction would have been a year ago. Max said that the new friend was refreshingly pleasant and open with them and they had a nice talk. This of course “Totally Mortified” Michael but she is fairly certain that he will get over it.
Max had another surprise when she poked her head in the door and found the friend sleeping at 11:00 o’clock. Of course this was another affront to Michael that a parent would dare “check-up” on him. Mel said goodnight and had a peaceful sleep.
The next morning she committed her final transgression when she poked her head in the door once more to say a sincere “Good Morning” to the boys. When Michael protested Max asked the friend if it was okay for her to say Good Morning. He said that he didn’t mind which just seem to make Michael more irritated.
He was angry enough to soon text his mom asking her what she thought she was doing. He got a little more upset when she didn’t text him right back. She explained that she could not text him while driving and it calmed him a bit. She told him that she did not think that she did anything out of the ordinary considering his behavior for the last couple of years. It is unfortunate but our kids will need to learn that it will take us a while to learn to “trust” them and that they will need to humor us until we can.
As I noted before; after dealing with our teen’s addictive behaviors we parents tend to have our own set of triggers that unconsciously set off our defensive behaviors. This can quickly bring us back to a bad place. We need to learn to “detach or refocus” to avoid falling back into our co-dependent behaviors.
Our children didn’t become addicts overnight and unfortunately it will take a while (probably years) in recovery before we will be able to fully "feel comfortable" with them.
Thanks for calling the meeting and sharing with us Max.
Daisy is a single mom of a 15 year old son we call Ozzie. Ozzie is has been in an inpatient recovery facility under Act 53 for about 30 days. Daisy is being pro-active and is getting Ozzie onto juvenile probation before he leaves the facility and comes home. This will provide Ozzie with more restrictions and more consequences than Daisy could impose on him herself. Please note that Daisy tried for months to deal with Ozzie’s behavior on her own.
At PSST we all understand that our teens end up in placement and/or on probation because of their behavior. But we have also learned that when they toss you a nugget like “It’s all your fault that I’m in here” or “I have to listen to that #@$&-ing P.O. because of you!” reach out and grab the credit. “Yes, I guess you’re right! I did get you in here, or get you a P.O.! I did it honey because I love you. I would do anything I can to keep you from using. Thanks for understanding.”
Daisy has been practicing this skill well and it has been effective. Ozzie had a bit of a flare up last week when he wanted to talk to Daisy while she was at work and unable to deal with him at that moment. It resulted in him getting very angry. Daisy called back as soon as she could to explain that Ozzie would need to understand that she cannot drop her job instantly and respond anytime he calls. Once again she handle this issue well and defused the situation.
Daisy’s other issue is in dealing with the facility itself. She thinks it is a good facility but that they have mis-handled her son on certain issues. Secondly she feels that they have a communication problem with her and usually don’t call her until the day after Ozzie acts out. They even asked her once to come and take Ozzie home. Daisy stopped them in their tracks and told them that they are the behavioral professionals and to deal with him. Sometimes you will feel like you’re fighting not only your teen’s behavior but the facility’s or therapist’s behavior. Keep up the fight even if it means finding a new facility or new therapist. They are not always the right fit.
Keep up the good work Daisy.
Sally and Rocco’s son Cisco is 18 and relapsed in August. He was in an adult facility but walked out last weekend. He turned himself back in but cannot return there until he tests negative for drugs and alcohol. His P.O. and therapist have him in a juvenile facility until then. Following this meeting we had a phone call from him complaining about how childish the juvenile facility is and that he wants to switch to an adult program.
Sally responded very well and thanked him for calling and talking it out and not acting out impulsively but that nothing could be decided until at least Monday. Sally also told him that he has been in this facility for a week and if he transferred at this time he may end up spending an extra week or two at the next facility.
We explained that even though the counselors at the facility may think that it would be a good idea we need to get his P.O. and therapist to agree as to what his next step should be.
We also explained that it took a lot of work to get him where he is and we are not sure that it would be worth the effort to get him transferred for a relatively short period.
What it mainly comes down to is that we are all doing what we can to get him the help that we can get for him but that he needs to cooperate with us and the system and that the entire system is not going to jump through hoops because he is not satisfied.
The best part is that I only had to nudge Sally one time during the conversation.
Finally we got to talk with our newest PSST Mom, Jane. Follow the link above to her story because she tells it so much better than I can. Basically Jane is a mom of a son we named Elroy who is about to turn 18. She is working hard to get him into recovery so that he can finish out his senior year of high school and live a “normal” life. Her biggest road block at this time is her husband George. When it comes to Elroy’s recovery George is not just on a different page than Jane, he is in an entirely different book. She is making a lot of progress in a short time and is preparing to file for Act 53 if needed.
Thanks for making it to our meeting Jane. Keep on coming so we can assist you and encourage you that you can make a big difference.
This was a good way to start off our Saturday without a scheduled PSST Meeting and we would love to do it again (but not this Saturday because we are having a garage sale with the neighbors) never the less if you want to try it again let me or Sally know and we will get the invite up on the blog ASAP.
For everyone else we hope to see you at the regularly scheduled PSST Meeting at the Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg on Saturday, November 6 at 9:00 a.m.
PSST is open to all concerned parents. Come on and join us. There’s no cost or commitment. All you have to lose is a lot of anxiety, chaos, stress, tension, embarrassment and sleepless nights.
There is a lot of hope and support at PSST.
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Connections - by Sally, a PSST mom
Posted by:Sally--Saturday, October 23, 2010
Our day was off to a good start. We met at the Crazy Mocha and talked with our PSST friends, we ran some errands and did other leisurely Saturday stuff.
Then the call came from Cisco who is in a juvenile placement facility. He wanted to talk about getting into an adult recovery program because it is too juvenile where he is. I know I did the right thing by agreeing with him that the juvenile placement is so different from the adult one he walked away from. It is not as structured and the juveniles are not as serious about their recovery.
Then I commended him for talking it out with the counselors and his dad and myself. I spoke with his P.O. and counselors and we will see if there is anything that can be done. At any rate Cisco knows nothing will happen until Monday.
Rocco and I are shuffling the pages of our book of life. We are in the same chapter but not on the same page. Rocco is being stoic and I am feeling emotional but we will talk it out. Meanwhile I wrote this poem to keep myself busy.
Connections
Babies are born to you or may come into your life,
As a gift from another mother; now you're a mother and a wife.
You do not know this lady who has borne your child at birth,
But you owe her all the sadness and you owe her all the mirth.
She may have had contented times when child was in her womb,
Then she bore the pains of childbirth and the sadness of the tomb-
As she placed the babe into your arms and said 'Take special care.'
You fully promised, 'I sure will'.... and got right out of there.
You felt disconnected to this mother of your child,
Though certain if they met again she'd be so very proud,
You would love him Oh, so dearly and he would grow so tall and strong,
Without an inkling of a problem, without things goin' wrong.
You had times of contentment when your child was young at home,
Then you bore the pain of teenage years as he began to roam,
Then came the illness of addiction and the sadness of the tomb,
As he ended up in placement and you stare at his empty room.
Now you feel a real connection with the mother of your son,
You feel the pain she must have felt when the relinquishment was done.
He is not hers, nor is he yours, now he belongs to his addiction,
There is only one who can help him with such a dire affliction.
If I put him in the hands of God and pray that he be safe,
I feel so strongly that he will be in a better place.
He'll get the help that he so needs to conquer this disease,
His life will once be his again and the Truth shall set him free.
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Facebook
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, October 22, 2010
There are two ways to link our blog to facebook. (1) Linking Generally: Click on the fshare button on the upper right part of the blog. This posts the general address of the blog to your facebook newsfeed and you can choose a graphic from the blog. (2) Linking a Specific Post: Click "read more" and if a fshare button is available on a specific post you can put a link to that post on facebook. Apparently, this second method only works if the button is placed at the very end of the post. The graphic for that post if there is one will also appear on your newsfeed. Facebook users will then be sent to the specific post rather than the top of the blog. In either case you will be prompted to put in your facebook user name and password.
We are interested in learning how to put other link buttons on our posts but this has been a big step for us since we barely know what we are doing. Let us know if it does not work for you by posting a comment. If you can't even leave a comment (that happens) then read our post on having problems leaving comments.
Thanks for promoting PSST on your facebook.
