I suppose Beaver and Gilbert just didn’t think that was enough adventure for one day, so back to his dad's house they went again.
This time, they took some weed from Dick’s hiding spot, and got on skateboards [remember I told you that everything June bought ended up at Dick’s house?] and went off to get high. Adjacent to the road Dick lives on is another road that leads to the Elementary School. Those two scamps went down this road and stopped at a home that was unoccupied. From the story June was told, this is where they smoked the marijuana. Gilbert supposedly ‘rested’ his feet on the front door and ‘stretched his legs’ to see if the door might open. It thankfully did not. Some alert neighbors saw the boys on the vacant home’s porch and called the police. Beaver and Gilbert saw the police coming, so Gilbert ditched Beaver’s skateboard in the weeds [why? —I have no idea] and went into the woods. Beaver and Gilbert were heading back towards Dick’s house, but along the way they came across another vacant home. This home wasn’t as lucky as the first one. Beaver and Gilbert used their BB guns to shoot out a sliding glass door. Boy, I bet that made some noise! The boys entered the vacant home, and began to shoot out all the windows. According to their story told to the State Police, they both did this. Beaver, on the other hand, chose to – all by himself - shoot the thermostat off the wall. Why? -- Because “he wanted to see what mercury was really like”. Where’s a science teacher when you need one? There was mention that some sort of tampering with the gas or water meter occurred, but that was not verified as done by either Beaver or Gilbert.
Those poor boys were tired! They wanted to go home! Beaver and Gilbert headed back to Dick’s house. This time they didn’t have so far to walk, because the police were driving down the road, saw who they were, and were kind enough to give them a ride home to Dick’s house, along with the skateboard that was previously ditched in the weeds. The police officer talked to Dick, who was visibly intoxicated [according to the police report], and told him that he must keep Beaver and Gilbert at the home and they were not to leave.
Dick supposedly yelled at the boys about the incident. Beaver was afraid and Gilbert didn’t want to stay there anymore.
Here is where a turn in the right direction would’ve made all the difference in the world.
The next morning was Saturday, Beaver and Gilbert left Dick’s house because he was still yelling. They took off across the street and back to the elementary school. Hey, what a great place to smoke some more weed!
Beaver said that when they got to the school, Gilbert took a large rock and threw it through a ground level window of the school. This rock was so big that it broke some of the fixtures –sink or lavatory [June’s memory is fuzzy] – in the room. Beaver and Gilbert entered the school, and wandered around getting ‘educated’. They started by seeing if a sharp knife would cut through rafts. Wow-experiment a success! You sure do learn a lot at school! No reason to remain any longer here.
Beaver and Gilbert went back outside and decided to make a campfire on the playground. June is so proud of the boys! They remembered everything she taught them in scouts about making a campfire! What good scouts they both are! EXCEPT the part about making a fire where it won’t cause any damage. The campfire was started on a playground that has a rubber matting, as a base so falling did not hurt so much. Having a campfire burning on it is a whole other story. Wow, another learning experience! School really is great! Gilbert wondered what would happen if they made the fire bigger by throwing some of the trash from the dumpster on it and Beaver wondered too. This experiment proved to be a success too. If you add combustible materials to a fire, it turns into a true bonfire! And, once that really hot fire gets going on rubber, there’s no stopping it! Beaver realized that they had a true problem, and pleaded with Gilbert to help him try to stamp it out. Gilbert said “no way” and ran, very quickly
Side note: It took June 2 ½ years to realize that Beaver was telling the truth about trying to stamp it out. The epiphany actually occurred at a PSST meeting, when the light bulb came on and she remembered Beaver picking at the scabs on his legs that occurred when the hot rubber had splashed up when he was trying to stamp out the fire. It’s funny how when the story is so outrageous you want so desperately to believe that your child couldn’t possibly be involved in such a horrific thing, that you just accept the whole ball of wax as being a lie.
This little thing made the Grinch’s heart a little warmer.
Living with Beaver: Part 7: What I Learned in School - By June, --A PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Saturday, September 18, 2010
Living with Beaver: Part 6: Let the Games Begin - By June, -------A PSST Mom
Posted by:Sally--Saturday, September 18, 2010
And much to June’s dismay, Dick has asked Beaver to meet him at the corner gas station where he will pick him up. [I say this was to June’s dismay because she did not know about the pick up location.] The pick-up usually occurred at the house.
Beaver is very clever, because by meeting his Dad somewhere other than the house, he would be able to take his bicycle over to his Dad’s home. June did not permit this because everything she bought for Beaver ended up at his Dad’s home, never to return. When June would ask Dick to please return the items the response given was always “oh, I will” [sarcastically] or “I give you child support to buy this stuff so technically I bought it anyway” and it still was never to be seen again, at least at our home.
Gilbert followed Beaver to the gas station, asked Dick if he could come over for the weekend, and hopped into Dick’s truck when given the okay. When they arrived at Dick’s house, Gilbert called his Mom to get permission to stay for the weekend. Aren’t those little darlings cute when they think they’ve out-maneuvered us? Gilbert’s Mom said yes, just because she had no way at that moment to get Gilbert, because Dick’s house is about 30 minutes away by car.
Well, the games began—Olympic in magnitude. First, from what I’ve been told, Dick began his weekend [and every evening for that matter] with a beer-or 5 or 10, who’s counting? Beaver took Gilbert out to ride his dirt bike. Gilbert rode his bike along rather than walking. While Beaver was riding Gilbert on the back of his dirt bike up and down the trails, Gilbert’s bicycle was stolen. Not a good thing. Gilbert was not happy, since he had earned the money to buy the bike himself. Beaver needed to appease him, so back to Dick’s house they went.
Although Beaver was not athletically inclined, he [unfortunately] was very good at rifle. Beaver actually made the rifle team at high school. As a result he had a few BB guns, and air soft rifles at Dick’s house. Beaver and Gilbert decided to shoot the BB guns at the guard rail that ran along the road leading up to Dick’s house. At least that was the story June was handed. Turns out they were actually shooting at cars. Subsequently, they nicked someone'’ windshield, and hit someone in their arm in a passing car.
Can I refresh your memory here with the fact that Beaver was never a leader from early childhood to present day?
Opening exercise for Mt. Lebanon Meeting: Round Robin
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Friday, September 17, 2010
1. Each parent who chooses to participate will have a turn as the Robin. Each parent who chooses to participate will have a turn as the Blue Bird.
2. The Robin sings (or in our case acts out a teenager's manipulation) to the parent on his/ her left, whom we will refer to as the Bluebird. The manipulation can be anything the Robin knows that teenagers actually use on parents (we know that we have much expertise in this department at our meetings.)
3. The Bluebird will attempt to agree with something or part of something that the Robin said. The statement might start out with these words, "I agree that..." but it need not necessarily start out that way. The Bluebird is encouraged to really agree by using strong body language, good eye contact and not throwing in a "but" right away to ruin it.
4. The Robin will attempt another variation of the first manipulation and do this at least two more times.
5. The Bluebird attempts two more agreements.
6. The Bluebird may now disagree with anything that the Robin has said. His disagreement may start out with, "Nevertheless, I'm NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT" but it need not be worded exactly that way."
7. The Bluebird now becomes the Robin and turns to his/ her left and the next willing participant becomes the Bluebird. The process continues around the table.
8. If the Bluebird is stumped he has several choices.
A. Bluebird can ask for help and any parent can offer suggestions.
B. Bluebird can pass and if so the Bluebird position moves to the next willing participant on the left.
C. Any Bluebird that passes can still be the Robin if they choose to be once the Robinship passes.
In preparation please read Deposits and Withdrawals.
No one is expected to be a pro. This is training for fun. No matter what happens at the meeting all participants will receive 10,000 PSST bonus points! :-)
Next PSST meeting is Saturday September 18th. Click below for more details.
http://nevertheless-psst.blogspot.com/2010/09/next-psst-meeting-this-saturday-sept-18.html
A Time to Hold On, A Time to Let Go
Posted by:Rocco--Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A Time to Hold On, A Time to Let Go
Co-Dependence and Detaching with Love
Do you feel so drawn into your teenager’s addiction drama that you are not sure where you stop and their addiction begins?
Co-dependency is a problem that many parents of addicted children face. You feel that your teen cannot “get better” unless you are there for them every step of the way. This can be tiring and destructive to you. You may actually be part of the problem.
When you make the decision to detach, it does not mean that you don’t love your child. It just means that you are not qualified to help your child in whatever way they need. It means that you can no longer “fix” their problems or handle the constant struggles that come with it.
To “Detach With Love” means that you choose to live a healthy life and that your addicted child might see that they have a problem, they need to change and they might ask for help.
Few things in life can make you feel crazier than reaching out to help someone (expecting attention, acceptance or appreciation from them) and finding that they have no desire to be reached or helped.
Do you feel so drawn into your teenager’s addiction drama that you are not sure where you stop and their addiction begins?
This feeling can be toxic. It is known as Co-Dependence. It involves worry, guilt, fear, anger, and adrenalin. It’s about waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have experienced it and I now know that it’s very unhealthy and rarely helps the addict.
You, the co-addict, are swept up in a tidal wave of unhealthy behavior and consequences that are not your own. Your heart races, your stomach aches, your head pounds, you can’t sleep, your nerves are shattered. Yet, you have NO control over the outcomes because you are not the person involved in the addiction.
One of the most difficult things for parents of addicts and alcoholics to do is to let go of constantly hovering over them. Hovering is one of the unfortunate results of loving someone with a life threatening illness.
When the illness is cancer or heart disease, the hovering is sometimes seen as annoying, though often appreciated and sometimes necessary.
But when the illness is addiction, the hovering is not only annoying; it’s rarely appreciated and can drive your teenager to resent and resist your intervention. If your child is in recovery this hovering behavior isn’t seen as nurturing or loving. In fact, recovering addicts tend to use the behaviors of others as excuses to use and/or excuses to relapse.
No parent is born with the knowledge of how to deal effectively with addiction. It is a skill that must be learned and practiced daily, and can be helped tremendously by mentoring.
So, what is the answer?
Recognize Your Own Co-Dependent Behaviors
Identify the problem and what causes it. Remember, you cannot “make” a person do anything they do not want to or are not ready to do on their own.
Think about what is so important that you don’t want to let go and why you cannot detach.
Recognize Your Teen’s Behavior is Beyond Your Control
Admit that there is a problem and your addicted teen is harming themselves, you and others.
Acknowledge that your child has a real problem and refuses to accept help or even admit there is a problem.
Stop thinking that they will change if you keep nagging enough. If you are enabling them then it definitely won’t change.
Take Responsibility
Let go of the emotional hooks that are keeping you there. In order for your teen to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs to change; they need to be able to see what is “right” about you.Take responsibility over yourself, your life and everything within you. You only have control over your feelings, emotions and actions. You need to be healthy in order to become a "role model".
Make a Commitment
Affirm that you are a person too, that you are not getting what you need out of the parent/child relationship and that you have needs that should not be ignored either.
Make a commitment to your self-health and care. Admit to yourself (and your Higher Power) that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself.
Start to heal yourself from the relationship.
Trust Your Higher Power
Hand over to your child and their disease that you cannot heal on your own.
Trust that everything will work itself out in the way in which it is supposed to.
Accept those things you cannot change and free yourself from its’ burden.
Practice Joy
Weave gratitude into your daily life.
Indifference, thoughtlessness and unfairness will always be lurking nearby waiting for your permission to come in and darken your day and dampen your spirits.
Instead, choose to allow light and wellness into your day. And when you put your head on the pillow tonight, say, “It was a good day. I did what I could do.”
Repeat as Necessary
Detachment is not something we do once. It is a daily behavior in recovery.
No parent is born with the knowledge of how to deal effectively with addiction. It is a skill that must be learned and practiced daily, and can be helped tremendously by mentoring and counseling.
Join an education or support group like PSST.
Participate in family counseling.
Practice Patience – Recovery is a Family Process
Remember that families that have been impacted by addiction can take a few years to recover. You rebuild and stabilize as your child goes through their own recovery.
It can seem like a very long haul. It helps to keep in mind that commitment to the addiction recovery process is a family process.
It is a commitment to the overall well being of the family. Noticeable gains will be made along the way that can help everyone.
“Detaching with Love” is a difficult but very necessary step in regaining emotional health. It is a lifelong commitment to one's recovery and is something that needs to be practiced daily. You can still love your child, but you need to recognize when your relationship has become too entangled, co-dependent and unhealthy.
“Detaching with Love” is one of the most loving steps you can do for yourself, your family and your child.
Read more:
How to Detach With Love eHow.com
http://www.ehow.com/how_5820358_detach-love.html#ixzz0znvbwfM6
Family Recovery From Addiction - 10 Crucial Steps
http://ezinearticles.com/?Family-Recovery-From-Addiction---10-Crucial-Steps&id=2209285
Confront Your Addict!
http://12stepfamily.com/2010/05/03/confront-your-addict/
Meet the Parents II - Sept 11, 2010 PSST Meeting Summary
Posted by:Rocco--Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Meet the Parents II - Sept 11, 2010 PSST Wexford Meeting Summary
We had another encouraging turn-out at this week’s PSST Meeting in Wexford with a nice mix of new and regular PSST parents. We also had a couple of veteran PSST Parents join us. Our PSST Pros, Lloyd, Val, Kathie and Jocelyn led the meeting.
12 parents representing 10 families, known to us, as Max, Daisy, Posey, Lori, Millie, Jasmine, Violet, Lucy, Ralph & Alice and Rocco & Sally made the effort to attend.
Each of us had a chance to talk over our own situations and issues with our children in various stages of recovery.
Max has two sons, David and Michael, in recovery and a supportive husband we all know as Mel. David, their younger son is doing well at an out of state boarding school and is beginning to get it.
Their older son Michael has recently completed his outpatient program and is doing well.
Max and Mel, like a lot of us, are still dealing with what are “normal” teenage behavior issues and what are addictive behaviors.
After dealing with addictive behaviors we parents find that we also have our own set of triggers. These triggers tend to set off our defensive behaviors. This can quickly bring us back to a bad place. We parents need to learn to “detach” to avoid becoming co-dependent.
Our children didn’t become addicts overnight and unfortunately it will take a while (probably years) in recovery before we will be able to fully trust them.
As we have noted before: “Recovery is a Family Process.”
Daisy is a single mom. Her dilemma continues. As noted last week her son, Ozzie, has relapsed and is having trouble handling school. Daisy has tried to help him with his recovery without resorting to court and probation. Ozzie has now been discharged from his Outpatient Program. He and Daisy will be going to court for this week to get him into an inpatient program under Act 53 (asking the Court to declare your child to be in need of involuntary drug and/or alcohol treatment services).
As with all of our children this story is to be continued. Stay tuned.
Posey is also a PSST Single Mom with a son who has been doing well in his recovery. He is attending an alternative high school and recently tested positive for weed at the school. His mom, his Probation Officer and his WS Family Counselor are all convinced that the school mixed up the test results with another boy. The school, of course, denies it and did not want to listen even though the P.O. did his own tests and found him clean (twice). Because of this he cannot attend school activities (i.e. football games and dances). Unfortunately this is a life lesson that once you have built a bad reputation it is difficult to soften people’s perceptions or to convince them to give you a break. He can at least take comfort in knowing that his mom and two other very important people believe him.
Lori has been a Veteran PSST Parent for a few years. Her son, Richie, is in his mid twenties and has graduated from the University of Miami this year. Richie is now living in Miami on his own. He has some legal hearings pending but has a job and he is enrolling in night classes to further his education and career. She mentioned that fortunately the Miami Area has a lot of recovery facilities and that if he is having any problems that he will use them as needed.
As tough as it is to have him so far away, Lori thinks it is good for him to be away from home for now. Thanks for returning Lori, it was good to see you again.
Millie (Lori’s friend) is also an experienced parent of an son in recovery but she is new to PSST. Her son enjoys traveling the world with a friend and has mostly staying clean. Following a recent injury he was prescribed pain medication and has relapsed. Never the less he and his friend have left for Spain. Millie at this time was waiting to hear from either one of them to be sure that they arrived okay. This was Millie’s first visit to a PSST Meeting and we hope she will be back again soon.
Jasmine has been a Veteran PSST Parent for the last few years. Her son enlisted in the military. He has been to Iraq and is about to be deployed to Afghanistan. He came home on a two week leave and spent most of the time with his friend. He and Jasmine still have a bit of trouble dealing with each other in person. A lot of old feelings and triggers come up for both of them. We discussed how in some cases it may be best if your child does not return home immediatlely. They may need to be in recovery for a while before they can face people, places and things again. Thanks for returning Jasmine, it was good to see you again also.
Rocco and Sally have a son, Cisco, in recovery. He has relapsed and has just entered his third inpatient program in 16 months. The upside is that he has gone into these programs willingly (mostly) and they have bought him over 300 days of clean time over these months. He is definitely showing positive signs but as we said it will take a while (probably years) in recovery before we will be able to fully trust him again.
Please Note: New PSST Parents and Parents thinking about coming to PSST Meetings: We, Rocco & Sally made a big mistake back in 2007. We came to our first PSST meeting in the fall and felt that it was a way too much for us and Cisco. We tried a few other programs and methods that did not work for Cisco and really did not help us at all. After two overdoses and a lot of distress, despondency and despair we returned to PSST in May 2009. There are of course no guarantees that PSST will work for you and there are other good programs in the area. But please give PSST a try and even if you are overwhelmed as we were; give it a few weeks to see if you can reach your comfort zone. If you have any apprehension or concerns please feel free to talk to Val or Lloyd or to us PSST Parents.
Violet’s son recently relapsed and was immediately accepted back into his inpatient program. She is concerned about where he can go following the program. Home may not be the right place immediately. They are looking into going to halfway house. Violet was also concerned with his continued education. He has graduated high school and was accepted at a college.
There are two items here.
The first is how important is it that he attends college at this time? This sometimes falls more into a parent’s need, or desire, to see their child in a “normal” life.
It is okay if your child takes a year or two off from school if they are concentrating on their recovery. After working their recovery program they will probably be in better state of mind to face the challenges of college. College can be a dangerous, and even deadly, place for an adolescent that has not accepted his/her recovery program.
The second issue is that the half-way house will allow and encourage your child to attend community college or vocational school part time while working on their recovery. This of course depends on the child's acceptance of the program.
Lucy (Violet’s friend) has a son in recovery. His probation is scheduled to end soon and this has Lucy concerned. She told us that her son’s Probation Officer has been a big help and is hoping to get his probation extended. As we have discussed before it is very important for parents to stand up and voice their concerns to the probation authorities and in court to make sure that their teenagers get the best care that they can get. Of course our teens will not immediately appreciate us doing this. That is okay!
We are here to learn how to do as much as we can to help our children to make a difference in their life and to possibly save their life.
Lucy was also attending her first visit to a PSST Meeting and we hope that we will see her again soon.
Alice and Ralph have two sons, Norton and Ed, who have drug and alcohol problems. The boys have gone two different directions.
Norton, 19, has made a choice to leave home and to live life on his own terms. Ralph and Alice may not see him for a while but have made it clear that if he wants to return home he must be clean and sober and must follow their rules.
Ed, 15, is currently in an inpatient program. He has been attempting to use some of his best manipulation tactics concerning the terms of his Contract to Return Home.
Alice and Ralph have been standing strong with PSST's “Agree With Something”, “Ask Me Again”, and “Never-The-Less” Tactics which is giving Ed the clear message that “There is a New Sheriff in Town!” and it is us.
While your child is still in an Inpatient Recovery Program it is a great opportunity for you to let them know that you have taken back the power. If they are going to act up this is the best time for it and place for them to be. They can get help managing their behavior and you can let them know that you “are not comfortable” with it.
We also touched on the subject of suicide at the meeting.
Suicide threats and suicide attempts should ALWAYS be taken very seriously.
The threat of suicide can be frightening enough to cause some parents to “walk on eggshells” and to give their child whatever they want.
Lloyd discussed several points.
~ Do not argue with a person threatening suicide. This can lead them to become aggravated and want to show you just how serious they are.
~ Do not totally agree with them – this can have the same results.
~ Find a small point or two to agree with and try to turn the subject around to the fact that they do need some help and that you will work with them to get it.
PLEASE NOTE: Even if you feel that a suicide threat is nothing more than a manipulative tactic you need to IMMEDIATELY get that person to the nearest emergency room for an evaluation.
If they are truly suicidal they will get the help they need.
If they were merely using this threat as a manipulative tactic to get their way, the trip to the E.R. will tend to discourage them from using this tactic in the future.
Never ignore or minimize a suicide threat or a suicide attempt.
We had no time for role-plays this week and may start off the next PSST Meeting with role plays depending on the turn out. If anyone has an idea for role play please forward it to sallyservives@gmail.com or add it to the comment section below.
We all would like to sincerely thank Trinity Lutheran Church for the use of their first class facilities to allow PSST to empower parents of out-of-control teenagers.
This is another great example of how Trinity Lutheran has been reaching out and serving Wexford and the northern suburbs since 1845.
We look forward to seeing more concerned parents at the next PSST Meeting ~ Saturday, Sept 18 ~ at the at the Outreach Teen and Family Services located at 666 Washington Road Mt. Lebanon
There is FREE PARKING in the lot behind the building
– Take Cedar Blvd to Florida Av to the first lot on the left.
If you suspect, or know, that your child is using drugs or alcohol and need to talk with other parents that “know where you are at” please give PSST a try.
There is no cost and no commitment.
There is a lot of coffee, tea, support and understanding here.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
