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Quote of the Week
"If I cannot do great things, I can do small things in a great way" ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
Deposits and withdrawals
Posted by:Lloyd Woodward--Sunday, September 12, 2010
Ralph Kramden (pen-name for PSST parent) described it at our Wexford PSST on 9-11-10; "It's focusing on similarities instead of differences." It's the similarities that bind us together. Hopefully, we have enough similarities to help us to withstand the differences. What do I mean by that? Think of a bank account. You make deposits. You make payments and withdrawals. You hope that you have enough deposits to cover all the withdrawals. If you don't you're in the red. I think relationships are like that too. We make deposits on the relationships when we bond by agreeing with each other. We make withdrawals when we focus on the disagreements. In banking we have to make withdrawals because we need to use our money, which does us no good just sitting in the bank. Likewise, we need to have differences in our relationships because our "relationship-tender" does us no good if it just sits in the bank; however, we want to be sure to have enough deposits to cover the withdrawals. Otherwise, our relationship might be in the red.
We are highly committed to what we believe is the truth. Once we believe that we know what that is, we become sort of a slave to it. We have to sell it to everyone we know whether or not they are at a place which would allow them to benefit from our version of the truth. It is as though our version of the truth takes on a life of it's own and rather than serving us- it makes us serve it. We become obsessed with letting others know that we know the "real deal."
Sometimes we need to ask ourselves this question: who cares? If the answer to that question is nobody really, then why do we continue to push our version of the truth on people?
Let's assume for a moment that we really do know the truth. If we use that truth to drive our loved ones away from us, how have we gained anything? (Think Victor Newman on the Young and the Restless.) On the other hand, if we at times tolerate each other's versions of the truth then we have a lot to gain. First, we might gain a stronger relationship by creating more relationship-tender with someone. Secondly, we might come to understand that there is a partial-truth to what the other person is saying.
This speaks to another related issue. RESPECT. When I have polled teens on what they want most from their parents respect always comes up at the top. Finding something that we can agree with that the teen is saying is one of the best ways to give them respect. It's not the only way but it is powerful. Giving your teen respect is putting relationship-tender in the bank.
Usually, we want to make every moment a teachable moment. We have a drive to impart our hard-earned wisdom to our teenager in hopes that that very wisdom might make them more competent, wiser, and more fulfilled. Consider this: the parent who teaches the child something may indeed be wise; however, the parent who allows his child to teach him may be a genius. The first imparts knowledge. The second builds self worth. The first gives the child helpful information. The second gives the child confidence.
In the bank accounts of relationships we have to make withdrawals, because we will have differences. We forget that the only way those withdrawals are covered is if we have already made deposits.
Read more on this subject and find a role-play that demonstrates the point at "Are we as oppositional as our teenagers seem to be."
Meet the Parents - PSST Meeting Saturday Sept 4, 2010 Summary
We had another terrific turnout for our PARENT SURVIVAL SKILLS TRAINING (PSST) Meeting at the Eastern Probation Office in Wilkinsburg on Saturday.
PSST meetings are open to all parents who are experiencing the distress and difficulties caused by their teenager’s addictions. We are here to help empower PARENTS with support, information, advice, skills and techniques a parent needs to SUCCEED in helping their teenager save their own life.
The meeting was lead by Lloyd and Val from Allegheny County Probation and Family Therapists Kathie T. and Jocelyn from Wesley Spectrum Services. Speaking for all of the parents who attend these meetings we would like to sincerely thank them for giving up their Saturday morning to support and coach us, with their experience, understanding and some much appreciated humor.
Dustin from UPMC attended as an observer.
The meeting was attended by eight parents: alias' Candy, Daisy, Max, Violet, Alice and Ralph and Sally and Rocco.
We parents each had a chance to talk over our own situations and issues.
Candy and her husband were strong enough to stand up in court several times this summer. They did everything they could to see that their daughter Tori was placed back into an inpatient recovery program. They were afraid because of her relapse and her rapid descent into the desolation and devastation of drug abuse. This was made more difficult because Tori turned 18 in May and moved out of their home. The court finally understood the situation, Candy’s and Aaron’s intentions and agreed with them and ordered Tori into a program.
Remember our teen’s will probably not have an instant awakening or miracle recovery (as much as we wish they would) and will more than likely relapse. If we can keep our emotions in check and work with our counselors and P.O.’s we can get them the help they need to save their own life.
Tori has not reached the point where she understands that this is a good thing, and Candy is not getting any “thanks you’s” yet, but that is okay. Candy and her husband are now relieved because they know that she is now safe, clean and alive. Great job you two.
Daisy’s son, Ozzie, has been on the right path and was attending an outpatient recovery program over the summer and had been staying clean. Then Ozzie took a detour and decided to use alcohol in place of drugs. Alcohol is usually substituted because it is more difficult to test for and detect. Daisy alertly confronted the situation and made it clear to Ozzie that alcohol was totally unacceptable but that she was always there to support him in his recovery.
Things were then going well until the start of the high school year. She sensed that Ozzie was a bit too nervous about going back to school. When she came home she found all of the indications that he had been smoking marijuana. At first he denied it but then Daisy asked him why his face and neck were so red? That’s when he finally admitted that he had used and was taking niacin pills to flush the THC out of his system (which by the way doesn’t really work). Daisy did not have a problem letting the outpatient program know about this.
Daisy’s Dilemma now is what to do about school. Ozzie really wanted to stay in his public school and even worked up a contract with Daisy. Obviously he cannot make it there. We discussed how private schools don’t always make a difference. The troubled teen usually has no problem finding the same type of troubled teens to hang out with. Daisy will work with their family counselor to find an alternative school.
As with all of our children this story is to be continued. Daisy, a single mom, has done a great job this year of learning to face her son’s addiction problems head on and not to deny it or enable him or to blame herself.
Max currently has two sons in recovery (see Max and Mel’s Terrible Adventure I, II & III” as well as “The Prequel” and “One Down and One to GO” on the blog). David, their younger son is doing well at an out of state boarding school and is just now beginning to get it. Their older son Michael has recently completed his outpatient program and is doing well.
Max and Mel have worked hard this year to get their boys to a good point. They have learned to convey to their sons that they are a team and that they cannot be manipulated or seperated. We all appreciate Max’s continued sharing of her family’s recovery process on the blog and her and Mel’s participation in PSST. You have helped us more than you know.
Violet returned to tell us about her son following his inpatient program. She had explained in a previous meeting about how nervous she was about his return home and her instincts unfortunately were correct. It did not take long for him to relapse. Fortunately, she was able to get him back into his inpatient program quickly. Like a lot of caring and determined parents of addicts she has done everything she can to help her son. Thank you for coming to our meetings and sharing with us. We are here for you and all parents that are striving to make a difference in their troubled teen’s life.
Alice and Ralph also have two sons, Norton and Ed, who have drug and alcohol problems and have gone two different directions (See Ralph's Blog entries "Flying Above the Storm", "Summer Vacation and Old Faithful" and "Home Visits for Newbies"). Ed the younger son has been a handful and is currently in an inpatient program. He has been attempting to use some of his best manipulation tactics on Ralph and Alice (as all addicts do). To their credit they have been firing back with our “Ask Me Again”, “Agree With Something” followed with the dreaded “Never-The-Less” tactics which is causing Ed to finally “get it”. He now knows that his mom and dad adopted a new attitude.
Unfortunately their older son Norton is not getting it. He does get that Alice and Ralph have their new attitude and will not bend to his manipulations. Regrettably Norton does not get they are willing and able to do whatever they can to help him with his recovery. His addiction is strong enough that it is telling him that they are the problem and everything would be better without them. Norton, 19, has made the decision to cut himself off from the family and has, in fact left the state. Ralph took a trip to visit him to give him one more chance to come home. He even brought a ticket for Norton’s return.
Once more Norton’s addiction will not allow him to make the “logical” decision and come home and accept help. Ralph was strong enough to not be manipulated and gave his son the clear message that “You are welcome to come home whenever you are able to stay clean and sober and to follow the rules.” This message will also apply to and is sure to resonate with Ed.
Alice and Ralph have consistently showed their teens the consequences of their actions, have applied the PSST techniques effectively and have always tried to get them the help that they need. Thanks for being part of PSST. Your perception, determination and ability to keep a sense of humor are beneficial to us all.
Sally and Rocco were not certain they would make it to this week’s meeting.
“What else can they say”? Their son, Cisco had relapsed and they had a busy week as they awaited Cisco’s placement. Maybe it would be better to stay home and have a quiet Saturday morning with coffee on the patio.
Cisco had been home from his recovery program since mid-July. He had a lot of signs of reaching the next step. He had his anger problem under control. He was talking about staying clean, starting Community College and trying to find a steady job. He was attending an outpatient program and NA meetings.
Unfortunately as the weeks past, red flags began popping up. Sally has great women’s intuition (it’s a blessing and a curse). Cisco had some unexplained disappearances; he had lost interest in pursuing college, getting a driver’s permit and looking for a steady job. Worst of all he was returning to the people, places and things he got into trouble with in the first place.
Fortunately we have a great support team assisting us and we were able to stop Cisco before he was totally out of control; see the post “Good News – Cisco Has Relapsed Again” for the details.
Rocco and Sally are thankful that they decided to attend the PSST meeting after all. The outpouring of support that they received is exactly what they needed.
If you take a quick glance around the room at the PSST Meetings you will see everyone listening intently. As we have noted before you will notice a lot of nodding in agreement between parents on their teens and their issues. We all gain strength from the hard-earned wisdom of each other and hopefully we are able to give some comfort and reinforcement in return.
We still had time after our coffee break (and some great snacks) to do two role plays.
The first role play concerned a teen that is currently in an inpatient facility. He wants to persuade his Mom that the best approach for him is to “come straight home” when his program is complete. He has a well thought out strategy on how he plans to do this. He actually is very good at putting these plans together quickly. Never-the-less Mom wants to make it crystal clear to him that he is not going to come directly home. He must go to a halfway house prior to coming home.
Mom, first off, finds elements of what her teen is saying to agree with, then tosses in the magic words “never the less” and finishes up with an “I am not comfortable”.
“That is a very well thought out plan Little Johnny. I can see you have been really thinking this out clearly…
…NEVER THE LESS…
…I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH IT.”
While Little Johnny is trying to figure out a way to challenge her with “Yes you are comfortable” Mom gets to explain her plan about him going to the halfway house.
Lloyd reminded us to use strong body language. If Mom can lean towards Little Johnny as she delivers her message this adds a lot of strength to her position and Little Johnny will probably not understand why (unless Little Johnny regularly reads this blog - which is highly unlikely).
The second role play concerned Mom explaining to Little Johnny that she would not keep any secrets for him and that one of them needs to immediately tell his counselor that he has relapsed.
As before, Mom, first off, finds elements of what her teen is saying to agree with, then tosses in the magic words “never the less” and finishes up with an “I am not comfortable”.
“You’re right Little Johnny; the pressures at school must be really tough for you. I understand that you would rather wait before telling your counselor that you have been using…
…NEVER THE LESS…
…I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT. So either you call her or I will call her.”
At this point Little Johnny may, for lack of an answer threaten to walk out. Once again, keeping your emotions in check, tell him that you are not comfortable with that and that there will be further consequences if he leaves.
Remember you are not obligated to spell out what the consequences are upon Little Johnny’s request (you may need time to think about it).
Once again using strong body language; either leaning towards Little Johnny or taking a step towards him.
Please note: If Little Johnny has a history of reaching out to strike you or an anger problem do not lean in too close (this was not the case with these two role plays).
The emphasis of both role plays was to make it crystal clear to your teen that you have taken back and you hold the power. You do this with your words and your body language.
Another Please Note: As we have all said, and experienced, this is sometimes easier said than done. Sometimes you are just not up to it (teens, especially addicted teens, can be relentless – see the “ask me again” method), sometimes you are caught off guard, sometimes you just plain forget and sometimes you are just plain P.O.’ed and need to let it all out. Regardless don’t beat yourself up with “I should haves” or “I wish I would haves”. Come back to the next PSST Meeting and we will pump you up!
Thanks again to all who attended this meeting. As noted when you look around the room you see a lot nodding in agreement and understanding of where you are coming from. We are always looking for a few more parents to join us so we can offer them some help and some hope.
"By helping others succeed, we help ourselves succeed. Whatever good we give will complete the circle and will come back to us."
Our goal at PSST is to EMPOWER THE PARENTS of teenage substance abusers and/or Juvenile Court Youth with the support, information, skills and techniques a parent needs to help their teenager to save their life.
Our thanks to the Allegheny County Eastern Probation Office for the use of their space.
The next Parent Survival Skills Training (PSST) meeting is Saturday September 11 from 9:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. at the Trinity Lutheran Church 2500 Brandt School Road, Wexford, PA 15090
C'mon in and join us. PSST Meetings are open to all parents who are serious about making a difference in their children’s life. If you are having problems with your teenager and suspect drug abuse please come to our next meeting.
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At 2:30 today, Rocco and I were just settling in to a quiet Labor Day. Rocco had some yard work he wanted to finish and I had six hard questions to answer for a business class I am taking.
We did not expect the phone call we received. Our son, Cisco was just sent four hours away this Friday to a placement facility because of his relapse. He has not yet earned phone privileges so Rocco looked surprised when he heard our son's voice at the other end of the line. Cisco said he was kicked out of the facility and walked eight miles to the next town. Can we pick him up at the Sunoco station? Later we found out he did not get kicked out but signed himself out because he found the program impossibly difficult; the facility did not want him to leave.
Well, we called Lloyd and Kathie, and both of them answered immediately ;-) They both show such dedication.
The two men I admire the most; Rocco and Lloyd put a plan into action. Rocco said he and I were going to head toward the Sunoco station to save time since it is a four hour trip - one way. Lloyd would call the people who run the placement facility to get the full story, then fax info to the local police to ask their help. There was a possibility that we would get Cisco back into the facility and not have to make the complete trip but we headed in that general direction.
The proactive Kathie was already looking into other possible placements for Cisco and making sure we were fairing okay.
Lloyd somehow located the local P.O. in the town where Cisco was and he became involved (this by the way was above and beyond his call of duty). He offered to head to the Sunoco and sit with Cisco until we arrived.I was scared when this local P.O. called to say that there was no sign of Cisco at the Sunoco and the clerk there thought she saw someone who fit the description of our son heading toward the next town and possibly the bus station. As it turns out the P.O. found Cisco asleep in the very nearby wooded area!
Cisco got in our car and we had dinner and headed toward home with the next stop being Shuman. We need to find a good fit for Cisco. Kathie wants to go over his profile and wants me to provide her with his educational IEP to see what placement will help Cisco have the best chance at success. Rocco will go to the hearing this Wednesday. I did fine all the way there and back and certainly made sure I softly but firmly explained to Cisco that some day in the future he will be welcomed back into our home as long as he is clean and sober.
Rocco and I hugged Cisco at Shuman and asked him to do well. When it was all over I broke down and cried. Why is he having such a hard time doing what he should do? Many flashbacks of our younger and most precious Cisco came flooding into my memory. I had to remind myself that those days are gone. He is who he is today.Rocco is not having any trouble detaching. He said maybe if I remind myself of some of the things he has done to get himself in trouble it may help me feel better. Actually that does help a little.
I thought about some very admirable PSST mom's who are doing this alone. Mom's who do not presently have a strong and helpful 'Rocco' in their lives. I am in awe by these mom's because I can be strong for a while when I really need to and hopefully I can be strong when most needed to be. I just cannot keep that up consistently, it is not natural for me. These mom's are learning the PSST lessons well and they are having many successes. They work full time and draw from an inner strength. I admire them and learn from them. When I was a young feminist, taking engineering classes, I felt strongly that women could do anything that men could do. I still feel that I would be just as good as any male mechanical engineer since I am good at math and good at logic but I don't think like a man in other ways. My nurturing side makes it impossible to detach enough. I sense that I cannot let my needs or wants get in the way of Cisco's need for a program to recover in. I am so thankful that Rocco will go to the hearing and be there for both of us. It is better that way.
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Rightly so. People trust us. We have their loved ones in our hands. We are important to people. But sometimes we screw up. We forget to call people back and there is no good excuse- except that we just screw up sometimes.
I'm not saying it happens because I am too busy. I'm not saying it happens because I get burned out on people's issues. I think if I'm honest with myself know that I am sometimes lazy. I think someone else has that base covered. I tell myself that the representative from the treatment program or the family therapist has already had that conversation with my client anyways.
Sometimes at PSST it can look like I'm the coolest PO on the planet. Trust me here when I say, I'm not always. Sometimes I'm far from it. It's a long distance race and I have been known to pace myself at the wrong time. If you're the person waiting for a call back and you have serious issues, that doesn't mean much to you.
If you are the recipient of a phone call that was not returned promptly, especially at a critical time, please try not to take it personal and yet even as I write the words I know that you will take it personal because this is ALL PERSONAL. My point is that it was not intentional. No excuses intended.
When it happens let me know. Tell me I should do better. Tell me you are not comfortable with the response time or if it's the quality of the work- please tell me that too. Hopefully, I can make amends.
If you are someone that I have not called back in a timely way, or perhaps I neglected to return your call, please know that I am sorry.
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I'll be your friend, I'll help you carry on........ I always liked that song of the 70's. Bill Wither's only had a few hits but he could carry a tune and I always related to the lyrics of his song titled "Lean On Me". I've been doing a lot of that lately since Cisco relapsed.
Rocco has been my stronghold. He has a way of staying even tempered and seeing the brighter side of any situation. He even made me laugh today which is something I am simply not in the mood for.
Then there are my dear PSST friends. They are mom's who have been there and have felt and dealt with the feelings that arise in similar situations.
As much as I know in my head that my son needs help and has to be away from the persons, places and things that are triggers; I yearn for normalcy. I see the young college and high school students laughing and talking together and I wish I could cut and paste my Cisco into that picture. Into a normal life without addiction. I cannot.
So I lean on my friends. I have read their emails over and over again. Their words of faith, wisdom and understanding strengthen me. Together we will keep on keeping on.
....I just might have a problem that you'll understand. We all need somebody to lean on.
Thank you.
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